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Difficult daughters

Suzzflwr Member Posts: 16

Hi everyone,

I want to start by saying I love both of my daughters, but they are like me very determined women, oldest 42 and youngest is 40. They both knew about my call back from the diagnostic images. I have IDC stage 2 and DCIS grade 2 ER+PR+ and Her2-.

My problem is they want to run the show. How do I get across to them, without alienating them, that I am 67 years old and not feeble of mind by any stretch. Yes, I flit back and forth with treatment options, lumpectomy vs mastectomy but I have to figure out what is right for me.

I have taken their advice and amgetting a second opinion and maybe even a third opinion, but I will be the one that makes the final decision.


  • waves2stars
    waves2stars Member Posts: 140
    edited February 2022

    I’m sorry you and your daughters are having a tough time with this. TBH, I want to manage my mother, daughter, and even my cousin’s care because I feel this loving desperation to keep them here with me. But I def didn’t want my mom managing my treatment so I understand both sides. What works for my mom and me is that we kind of called a truce. We agreed to be 100% honest with each other about all the details of our conditions, and that we were allowed to ask questions so we could be informed, not armed for badgering. Then we stand behind each other’s decisions. There’s a lot of trust involved, but it feels good.

    You are dealing with your own fears right now, and they have theirs. It is your own cancer journey (I hate that word), but in a way, they will have one, too. You may have to be she-wolf a time or two for them to respect boundaries. Maybe even ask them to add you to their list of people who can receive their medical information to get the point across. I’m glad they are at least trying to show you how much they care

  • mountainmia
    mountainmia Member Posts: 857
    edited February 2022

    "I know you love me and are concerned for me. I have taken your advice and am getting a second opinion and maybe even a third opinion, but I will be the one that makes the final decision. I need you to respect that."

    Tell them just what you told us.

  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 5,042
    edited February 2022


    You explained your feelings well in your op. All your words tell exactly how you plan to proceed. Throw in a lot of I love you’s and appreciation for their love and support. In the kindest way, let them know that you are far from feeble minded! I am 65 with two daughters, 37, 32, so we’re similar in that respect. My older daughter has occasionally started to treat me feebly but I always shut that down very quickly! I didn’t shout or scream. I calmly explainwhy she should not treat me feebly. TBH, although I wouldn’t want to alienate my daughters, my mbc and care is ultimately about me and my well being. I love them beyond words and their support has been invaluable but I am the team leader! Take care