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Missing my breasts as I contemplate sex


My bilateral mastectomy was in 2010, I was on these boards a lot when this forum was created. Feels like a lifetime ago. At that time, I felt perfectly fine about being flat; I was far more traumatized by having had an aggressive stage III cancer that had a relatively high risk of killing me. The AI had taken away my sex drive completely. 11 years of the damn AI, now I'm off, sex drive back, and I miss my breasts so badly. I can't imagine sex without them, it just makes me want to cry. I'm not optimistic reconstruction would help because they can't reconstruct that nipple sensation. I guess anyone who's had a mastectomy deals with this loss of sensation, reconstructed or not, but for me being flat is complicating things because I'm leaving a sexless relationship and for the first time since 2010 wondering how another person will react to my flatness sexually. So it's a two-handed problem. I don't regret my mastectomies - it turned out I had cancer on both sides so I had proven to be a cancer factory - but now that I'm a sexual being again I'm so sad.

*Edited to add - relationship I'm leaving is not sexless because of my flatness. Far more the AI and other relationship factors' faults. I do have a therapist - hence the courage to leave the relationship. But those are both good points.


  • maggie15
    maggie15 Member Posts: 1,059
    edited March 2023

    outfield, If you are leaving a sexless relationship because your former partner was turned off by your flatness you deserve to find someone who accepts you and finds you desirable as you are. Having reconstruction just to please others is not a solution. I have heard of some people's partners being unhappy with "fake" breasts, scars or asymmetry. If having reconstruction would make you feel better and more sexy, go for it. There is no going back to how things were before cancer, however. It's good to be NED but the fallout from treatment can be horrible. Breast cancer aftermath can change your life in so many unimaginable ways. I'm glad that finishing the AI has improved how you feel.

    Working with a counselor or therapist might help you sort out your feelings and plan what you want to do. I wish I could do more than empathize with you. I hope you can build the happier life you should have.

  • lillyishere
    lillyishere Member Posts: 775
    edited March 2023

    outfield, one of the sisters from this forum said that she wears a sexy, lacy top that covers the scars and works great! In my case, I did have implants and honestly, I don't let my husband or kids get close to them because it feels so uncomfortable not to mention numbness. I still consider myself lucky to have the option of removing them. This is a terrible disease for sure.

  • snm
    snm Member Posts: 96
    edited March 2023

    I'm sorry outfield that you are sad but you are not alone. I had BMX in Feb 2023 and I haven't had much interest in sex since that surgery especially with these uncomfortable rock hard tissue expanders currently in place. My husband has offered to be intimate but I just shy away from that..I guess I'm not comfortable with my own body yet. I'm hopeful however that with implants I might feel more sexy? I don't have nipples or any sensation except I can sense some pressure. I was even thinking of getting some type of sexy decorative tattoo to help beautify my body?!

    Hope you find what you are looking for.

  • kaynotrealname
    kaynotrealname Member Posts: 422
    edited March 2023

    I'm so sorry. I think it's perfectly normal to mourn your loss especially since your whole life has changed. It may be that your feelings will pass with time. However, I will say that I recently have gone through a delayed DIEP. Not as delayed as you but I'm pleased with it. I have some numbness but not a lot and although not everyone considers the flatter tummy a bonus, I do. My shape is fantastic. I just need my scars to fade. So if you truly do want a different body, it's not too late. But I would make sure it's what you want and not what you think a partner would want. A good partner is going to love everything about you including your flat chest.

  • miriandra
    miriandra Member Posts: 2,115

    All the best during your transition back into feeling your sexuality.

    I don't know how much you've been inclined to play with fashion choices, but flat women look incredibly hot in men's clothes. If you tap into your inner Kathleen Turner or Annie Lennox, you could rock a pants suit.