Suicidal ideation - oncologist called the police.
I had a bad pathology report 10 days ago and today met with the oncologist. She said only what I thought she would say - more waiting, to do scans to look for distant metastases, followed by chemotherapy (unless there are mets. already). Tumour is large (6.8cm) with one +ve node and invasion posteriorly into muscle. Stage 3b ILC HR+ HER2-, Ki67 - 47%.
In the last few months we have moved across country and are house-hunting. I recently (4 days ago) quit my remote job due to an new and awful boss. BC was diagnosed on mammogram in mid-April and I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting on results, and each set that comes back reveals something even worse.
Pt questionnaire asked about suicidal thoughts, and yes, I have had them. Sometimes I just don't think I can go through all this again, but worse than last time (second run-in with bc - last one was 18 years ago), and inflict all this worry on my daughters, husband and 92 year mother in England. I'm so tired and afraid. Just get it over with and be done with it. Reality is I'd never have the nerve anyway. What I really want is for none of this to be happening.
She asked if I had 'plans'. I said, well the internet is full of suggestions. Really I was (am) exhausted, shocked, terrified, and alone, far from my old friends. I do have a therapist though and have spoken to their practice therapist so I have support. But that didn't seem to help.
Next thing I knew - she'd left the room and called 911 and two police officers arrived in Kevlar vests and firearms to 'assess' me. Fortunately they were really kind. One said his own grandmother had said the same when diagnosed 'I'd just rather be gone right now'. We had a nice chat and they left and I went home for a cup of coffee. But it could have ended appallingly. If they'd tried forcibly to do anything to me I dread to think what could have happened.
I know doctors are mandatory reporters, so I won't make that mistake again. In future if anyone asks me how I'm doing it's going to be a conclusive 'Just fine thanks. Probably going to drop dead any time, but hey, it's all good. No worries'.
I have a dark sense of humour as well. Probably doesn't help. 😎
Anyone else had anything like this?
PS - I am not going to do anything stupid. Saying it all aloud is one way I use to defuse panic. But obviously that office is not a safe space for that. I want this all to work out well, and I'll keep going, so please no one get the wrong idea on this forum.