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Over it already!

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At just 33 years old, this feels like a nightmare that won’t end. It’s been over a month since I first discovered the lump, and I’m completely drained, mentally and emotionally. The endless waiting, appointments, needle sticks. it’s all just so overwhelming.

I shared more details in another post, but to sum it up: there’s no history. No family history of breast cancer. No dense or fibrocystic breasts. No past scares. No inverted nipple, no discharge, no dimpling. I don’t smoke, I rarely drink, and I’ve lived a relatively healthy life. There was absolutely nothing that pointed to this happening. Just a girl who found a hard fixed lump and ever since, life has felt like it's spiraling out of control.

I feel like I’ve been dealt the worst possible hand. All the odds were supposedly in my favor: my age, my health history, even the breast reduction I had 12 years ago, which statistically was supposed to reduce my risk. And yet, here I am.

I keep thinking of my grandmother, who was diagnosed with colon cancer in her late 70s. I never saw her cry. She refused treatment and told me, “I’ve lived my life.” But I’m only in my early 30s. How does someone my age come to terms with this kind of diagnosis?

Right now, I’m in that awful waiting phase: trying to find out the type, the stage, the full picture. That part is excruciating. My biggest fear is the stage. The lump is 3.5 cm and located deep, you really have to press to feel it. If it was any smaller, I wouldn’t know it was there. My mind races with questions: How long has it been growing? Has it spread?

Every few days I notice a new symptom: leg cramps, shortness of breath, changes in bowel movements. It’s hard not to fear the worst. People keep telling me it’s unlikely to be stage 4, but I don’t find much comfort in statistics anymore because none of the odds have worked in my favor so far.

Part of me feels angry and devastated at the thought of being diagnosed at stage 4 and not being given a real fighting chance. But the other part is terrified that even if it’s early-stage, I’ll be stuck living in fear, panicking at every new ache or pain, always wondering if or when it will come back.

No matter what, my life has changed forever.

I know this post might come across as negative, and I’m sorry for that. I’m still trying to process everything. I just needed a place to vent, especially to a group of women who truly understand what I’m going through. Lately, I haven’t been getting much support from my family, and it’s been hard to carry this all on my own. I feel as if I’m not even living at this point. I’m waking up everyday just to get through the day and then do it all over again tomorrow.

Comments

  • obsolete
    obsolete Posts: 389

    Hello again. It's OK to embrace all the fears and emotions you are facing. Nobody expects you to be valiant. It's perfectly normal and natural.

    It's quite possible that the people around us can believe more in our aptitude to thrive than we do in ourselves. However it mistakenly comes off as careless disregard, while it is actually not. It can sometimes be tough love in disguise.

    When people equate hope with a disease cure, it can manifest in hopelessness. You are correct that nobody on this planet outlives their difficulties, no matter how big or small. Sorry about your grandmother and her difficult choices. Your grandmother perhaps did not equate "hope" with "cure", as many medical people do.

    Many feel challenged when forced to swap their healthy personal lifestyles for an identity of a patient. They also inadvertently swap their definitions of "hope" for a "cure".

    For humans to thrive, we all need goals, pathways and personal agency (claimed psychologist C. Snyder). One goal can be building a stronger relationship with Nature. A pathway, for example, could be a plan on how to get closer to Nature by spending more quality time outdoors. Our personal agency influences our belief systems that motivates us to achieve our goals. This includes advocating for ourselves, which you clearly have undertaken for yourself.

    Hope can co-exist whenever someone has any meaningful goal of any kind. We all set goals daily without giving it much thought. The paths we choose will lead us to those goals. It takes only baby steps to feel empowered, and you will get there. Hang in there💜 Best wishes

  • lisat8228
    lisat8228 Posts: 25

    @obsolete Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful message. I really appreciate your compassion. it means a lot.

    What you said about fear, hope, and how people show support really resonated with me. Sometimes it’s hard to see that what feels like pressure might actually come from love. Your words helped me look at it in a different way.

    I also really liked what you shared about hope not needing to mean a cure. That brought me a lot of comfort. And you're right, even small goals and steps can help us feel more in control and connected to life again. It reminded me that I amdoing my best to advocate for myself, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

    Thank you again for taking the time to reach out with such care. It truly lifted my spirits