I want to believe it will get better
This is half just a venting post, and half a serious question about life after…..
So I am in my mid-late 40s, BRCA1+, and have had BC twice in my lifetime (first time in my early 30s, second time this year; I've also had risk-reducing gyn surgery). Both times I've done AC/T chemo and radiation in addition to surgery. This second time around was so different - harder - than the first time. It's hard to tell if it's because I'm older or because my body has already gone through so much, probably both. I still have a month or two of active treatment ahead of me, but already I'm feeling apprehensive about my "different normal" aka "new normal" aka how on earth I'll be able to put my life back together after this.
In some respects I've kept calm and carried on: working two jobs while in treatment, continuing to do what I can around the house (all the usual food shopping/cooking, cleaning, projects like scraping and painting the deck), trying to stay somewhat physically active (walks, yoga, lifting weights at home - all far less than before, but I figure something is better than nothing), low-risk social gatherings with friends, etc. I'd say I'm functioning at about 70-80%. I take naps and give myself grace when I need to. I think people believe I'm doing fairly well, all things considered. Many days I believe I am, too.
And yet, sometimes I become absolutely wracked with worry: about being diagnosed again, about the permanent damage already done to my heart and what more may be uncovered with time, about the impact cancer has had on my partner and my relationship with him, about vanity things like my hair and eyebrows and nails not growing back normally, about the hot flashes I've experienced for well over a decade, about alllllll the weight I've gained through surgical menopause and steroid use and, that my bones and joints hurt every moment of every day, that I won't be able to keep up in my career because of permanent chemo brain, and that because of the sheer exhaustion I feel most days that I don't have what it takes anymore to overcome any of this.
I'm considering therapy, but so much of what is causing suffering is physical. Even though I'm in awe of my body and how much it has endured, there just seems to be so much distance between how I feel and feeling my best. My oncologist says "it takes time." I should be happy that active treatment is ending soon, but deep down I'm also afraid to lose my cover - that I can't rely on cancer treatment to explain why I am unable to live my life like other people my age do.
There is no doubt I'm one of the lucky ones. Twice I've caught cancer early and have every reason to believe I can live a long life. Every single day I feel gratitude. I truly do! And yet - it felt so effortless to reclaim my life last time. Why am I struggling so much thinking about doing so again?
Comments
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Vent away! This is the space to do that!
You’ve been through so much, and you’re still showing up for your life—working, caring for your home, moving your body, staying connected. That is extraordinary. Feeling grateful yet worried, hopeful yet exhausted, isn’t weakness; it’s what being human looks like after repeated cancer treatment. You’re navigating a harder version of recovery. The “new normal” isn’t a fixed point, but something that evolves. Right now you’re still in active treatment, and it’s okay to grieve what’s been lost, to fear what might come, and to ask for more support.
Age, cumulative treatment, and surgical menopause all affect healing. Your baseline is different now, so it’s normal for this round to feel slower and heavier than your first.
Give yourself time; many late effects ease over 6–18 months.
Considering therapy with someone experienced in cancer survivorship to work through fear of recurrence, identity changes, and relationship shifts can be really helpful!
You may want to also ask about survivorship programs, oncology rehab, or physical therapy for joint pain, fatigue, and menopause symptoms.
We also offer free, virtual support groups that you can check out here!
You’ve survived cancer twice and are still carrying gratitude with you. That’s remarkable. With time and support, you can build a new version of life that fits who you are now. We're all here for you!
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