Illinois ladies facing bc
Comments
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAGO!!!! You rock:) I too will be having a liver scan in three months with my onc for the same reason. My boold work is fine but it showed up on my CT before the BMX...the onc said it was just a precaution and to make sure nothing changed from theone in November. Freaked me out at first but then there is always so much to freak out about i usually forget about it until I remember to freak out about it. (I am not in Illinois but I did search to find Lago since I knew it was her birthday and wanted to wish her HB!)
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Ok Ladies, I need some help. Or maybe I just need to tell someone what is going on. This past summer Our friend lost his wife(I'll call her Mary) to brain cancer after a 2 year battle. He took a leave of absense from his job and took care of her at home until the time of her death. His care was loving and tender. I was in awe of his strength. Now comes my pain. I hope I can explain this. As of Christmas time he is dating. And yesterday he and a new girlfriend were at our home for the football game. I want him to be happy. He certainly deserves this after all he has been through with Mary
. They were holding hands and sitting snuggly on our sofa. Nothing overboard, but I just feel like I was turning my back on Mary's memory. I was very nice to this new lady, she would have no idea that my heart was breaking. We did the dishes together and had some laughs too. I rather liked her. But I am not ready to see him moving so fast.
Now the second half of my pain. Later I tried to talk to my DH about the whole situation. And how I felt so personally about the fact that our friend was moving on so quickly and that I was very disturbed that if something were to happen to me that my DH would move on quickly too. The best way I can put it into words is this........A Life Erased.That is how I was feeling. I am very sad and blue. And the worst part about it?? DH will not even have a conversation about ANY of it. "NO Negative Talk - You Are Not Going Anywhere" That is his answer to me.
This has been weighing heavy on my heart since Christmas. And after yesterday, it has put me over the edge. So here I am. Spilling my guts to the only people that have a chance to "get it" and hopefully understand what I am trying to say.
Thanks or listening. I'd be lost without all of you
Navy
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Lago - Happy Birthday and many, many more. I don't know if you know this but as you get older the men undressing for you get younger :-)
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First things first:
lago - Rest assured...they will be doing extensive blood work tomorrow (liver included). Whew...I'm glad you're not worried. That's a GOOD THING! Hang in there.
NAVY - I can totally understand your pain/confusion/odubt. I have sent you a very detailed PM.
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Navy, I know people do things differntly than they used to but its suppose to be that you wait 6 months before public dating when your spouse dies to show that you mourn them and to respect their family. I would feel the same as you do if I were in the same position. I have talked to my hubby about such things and told him if he dates before I'm gone 6 months that I will haunt him LOLOL. He doesnt understand how someone could possibly date that soon but it happens. It has happened in our family where someone started dating after one month...it was quite the town gossip as we found out they had been having an affair while her hubby was dying. People are gonna do what they want and I guess we have to deal with it. Hugs, Mazy
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Hi everyone! I feel like I haven't checked in in a while. I see there are some new ladies joining us - Welcome to all of you.
Lago - When I saw that picture you posted, the first thing I thought of was a story I heard on the news this morning about a Chicago man with dementia who was missing. I think he wandered away from a nursing home. I hope that wasn't him!
Oh, and Happy Birthday. Welcome to the half-century club.
Navy - I get what you are saying about your friends. I had a similar situation after a friend of mine lost her battle with br. ca. Her spouse was remarried in about a year. It's a long story, but the bottom line is he needed and deserved some happiness back in his life, and he found it. That will never erase the happiness that went before though.
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Morning all...guess winter is still here....but I see no snow in our future...well, not in the next 5-7 days so that is good news!
Lago....Happy belated BD! Funny Picture....but sure hope it was just some nutty guy and not an ill one. I am concerned about your symptoms...when was the last heart function test (MUGA or echo)????? Should be done every 3 months or as symptoms warrant and IMHO...its warranted! Keep us posted....
Navy....that is a hard one. Perhaps look at it this way....he had such a wonderful experience with your dear friend that he wants to experience that special partnership again. If they had not had such a wonderful marriage he would not be with someone now. It doesn't erase your friend's life....in a way it celebrates her memory, of the good lthings that a realtionship can offer. Who knows what your friend and her DH discussed as her disease progressed....perhaps this is what she wished for, that he never be alone. If you can honestly spend time with his new friend and admit that you like her....then its your grief intruding and that is very natural and I would feel the same way. Your husband will never get this....trust me. It is a woman-thing. If it continues to bother you....talk to your friend's husband...he will understand...and be grateful that you loved his wife so much but glad too that you want to embrace his new friend, but are just having a hard time. I am not sure what a time frame is for such things....but one thing cancer has taught me and I am sure taught your friend was that life is so short. Why wait? What are we waiting for? This is it....no do-overs. Find your happiness and joy......
Yeah...that I am sure helped you soooooo much!
Gotta scoot...things to do before the wind sets in...have a great Tuesday!
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Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.
- Anthony J. D'Angelo0 -
Navy...so sorry this is happening. My first thought other than understanding that it was so hard for you ( I think you behaved in a wonderful fashion that says so much about you ) is that this wonderful man with such deep and loving care spent a very hard two years knowing he was only picking up broken pieces along the way. I think in a way knowing what would happen he was probably ( at least a part of him ) mourning along the way. Some people, and he may be one of them, are not loners and he may feel the need to answer that faucet of himself by having a companion. It is hard to judge what gets us over a loss. I hope it all works out for everyone.
A little snow today and to the Shelter I go.
Hugs, Jackie
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Navy I understand how you feel. I have seen the same thing happen with a few gentlemen in my building (one who's wife passed from BC recurrence) but I do agree with wendy's assessment. It's more of a compliment to his wife that he might be searching to find what he lost… He misses her so much. Can't bare to be alone. I know I would want my husband to be happy if something should happen to me. The life can never be erased of someone that has been so special in your life… especially family. The reason why your husband probably doesn't want to talk about it is he doesn't want to even think about the possibility of life without you. It's just too hard emotionally for him.
BTW I did talk with nurse (un)ratched today at herceptin infusion. For some reason not only is she not getting my emails but the secretary never gave her my message. We went down my list of concerns. Some of them she needs to check with my onc. She did ask if I was short of breath as far as the fluid retention is concerned. She is asking the onc about treatment to reduce the retention. Was also given some other things to do for my nails to make sure they don't get infected. She was very helpful.
CT scan was interesting. I purposely asked about where they were going to inject the dye and if they couldn't use my port if they could stick me in my foot. I went early to get my port accessed. Ends up I don't have a power port and refused to use it. I had to really demand that they don't stick my right arm (4 nodes removed). I finally got the radiologist to agree to do it in my foot. This was a different kind of CT scan than I had before. At least that's what they told me.
Again thanks for all the birthday wishes. Hope everyone is keeping warm.
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NAVY - I would have to agree with all above, don't want to repeat what's already been stated but..
I went through this with my very best friend, who passed from lung cancer (2nd dx) and her partner, they had the most unbelievable relationship, not married but together for over 18 years and I knew her from the start of it. I was priviledged enough to have had sat down with let's say, Peter and he spoke from his heart. They had a mutual friend and Nora had obviously wanted Peter to continue on with Sara, in light of her dx. Her and I went through treatments for our cancers at the same time, she's was from NJ. She was actually in remission and less than 6 months later the final dx was small cell lung cancer, she passed the first day of spring, her favorite season...no one knew, it didn't start that way, but in her backbone and forearm.
Peter told me that her wishes were that he continue on, happy and enjoy life and with Sara, to live each day and take in as much as he could and never take anything for granted... She asked him to demolish their beach home, which by the way was stunning and rebuild it to what he and Sara wanted. Memories of her were not to be placed in the new home but NEW memories of Sara and Peter. I cried and was speechless. This story was told to me on my visit to see her.(3 years ago) During my break between chemo's I packed a bag and drove back East to visit her, some friends in NY and my father in PA and had one of those times of my life....I spent 2 days lying in bed with her, holding her hand and laughing like two school girls...memories I will always keep in my heart and treasure (even now typing this I'm teary eyed).....that was the last time I saw her, but it was the best time we had sharing our illnesses side by side...and never not once did we speak of death, only happy, enjoyable times, our children and the boat trips and such....she literally was a 2nd mother to my 2 sons and an older sister to me, as well as friend.
I'm sorry I rambled on there, many times partners, spouses, etc. have things that are kept to themselves, not really sharing much with anyone. Allowing your DH to say and feel and then move on is good, he obviously loves you so deeply that he could not think of life without you...nor wishes to actually say things (by speaking sometimes makes it more of a reality) and he's scared, aren't we all...and we are all human....here are hugs to you both.
Your friend is healing in his own way and also keeping his wife's memory alive in things he's currently doing, it's the process and we all mend and heal in our own time...sounds like you made her feel welcome and had some good laughs to start, hope this helps, PM me if you'd like...god bless.
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This may sound weird, but if I knew I was dying, I would interview potential women for my dh to be involved with. I know...weird, but I know my dh better than anyone. I would not want him to be alone. He's the type of guy who needs a mate. A mate to adore and please and take care of. He has a heart of gold. I really would try to find someone for him. Someone who wouldn't take advantage of his generosity. Someone who would appreciate his sense of humor and love his personality. He has supported me throughout bc and his affection and care is remarkable. I wouldn't want him to be alone. The only stipulation: she could NOT be cuter than me! Just kidding!0
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Yikes, I am back at work and so little time, but I do want to chime in. Lago, if you look hard enough you will find something and once you have BC, they LOOK VERY HARD! My last bout with fear resulted in so many scans to understand why I had pain in my abdomen. It turns out I have IBS (or so they are saying) and nothing more! The scans showed a cyst in the kidney .... and that I need to watch that now as it could turn into something one day (pre-cancerous). I could have lived my life, just fine thank you, without worrying about a kidney cyst, but they have to tell you about shadows and things and that appear and could be harmless for life.
Navy, you brought up a thought-provoking scenario. I would not interview women to be with DH....like never, but I have told him that I want him to be open to relationships should something happen to me. I feel my husband needs companionship to be happy. My daughters and a few friends might feel poorly about it at first, and that makes me think I should tell them that this is what I want for their father/friend. should I exit. If he finds another, I personbally would not feel erased as my one-on-one relationships are (I hope) forever. I love this conversation, however, and I appreciate, Navy, that you brought it up.
Have a good rest of the week,.
Susan
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Dear Lago and Illinois Friends,
How nice of someone to send you a half naked man for your birthday
. I had my large rodent birthday on last week (Groundhogs Day). No wonder we're both research freaks - we're both Aquarians. I got my 6 month OK today YEA!!!! I'm really sore from the mamogram part- but at least it looked good. My sympathies for all the friends and family of our fallen angels and especially to Jan who is a wonderful, caring person that goes out of her way to help others.
Here's to SPRING coming! I can't wait to get my corned beef for St Patty's Day!
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Sorry, but I hadn't read the Navy post and responses until after my last post, so here goes.
I'm the second wife. I've been married 3 years. About a year after my husbands first wife died of pancreatic cancer he started dating. His wife had specifically talked to him about finding someone when she was gone and she told him not to isolate himself. We met and started dating and it wasn't easy. I had lots of difficult times with other peoples feelings and reactions to him dating. Which in turn, caused many sad and difficult times for my husband (and me).
A persons memories never die, and that persons spirit and love will always be there. Anyone who dates/marries a person that has lost someone, knows that they are dating 2 people - not 1. Sometimes (lots of times) it's not easy... so if you loved your friend and you think her husband is happy - let it be. Now my DH is dealing with my BC, and I'm sure a lot of old fears and doubts are rearing their ugly heads.
My DSL lost my brother some years back and at first when she dated I felt a little wierd about it. I came to realize she needed to move on. My niece and nephew know that I was their Daddy's sister and that he's in heaven. We're all fortunate that they have a second Daddy now, and he is just that, a Daddy.
And now, this December, I lost my other brother and I'm sure eventually that sister in law will date someone. I hope she does find a new Daddy for my other 4 nieces because they loved their Dad very much and I hope someone will always be there for them like he was. Those are my thoughts- and what did John Lennon say? "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"
Peace to all, Val
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The best portion of a good man's life - his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. ~William Wordsworth0 -
Good morning, ladies. Well, it IS good... good and COLD. Just to add to the current conversation, I know that my DH could not stand to be alone if I should make an exit. I would want and expect him to find another mate to share his life with. I am not sure if I could talk to him about that ahead of time though.
NEWS FLASH..... saline filled TE's make good built in "floaties" in the pool. I decided to get back into doing some swimming at the health club. I like to dive down and skim the bottom of the pool as I swim across. It took me a while (slow learner) to realize what was keeping me from doing that. I can't even get to the bottom of a 5' pool before I come bopping right back up. LOL. I registered for a Tai Chi water exercise class starting this afternoon. Sure hope I can keep up with the rest of the class! Guess I have my own life preservers for now. Wonder how the real implants will do?
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OMG! I must go swimming!
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Adey... yes, it's a whole new experience.
BTW, my PS wanted me to wait 4 months past last rad to have my exchange surgery. 0 -
Joan, how funny. Dare I say this. I don't think it is going to happen anyway, but at my age ( not truly old you understand ) if something were to happen to Dh.....( it's not by the way ) I, since I am not a good loner, would indeed probably find someone else, but I would not marry them. I would just live under the same roof. In these later years....I am not so sure about a piece of paper. That was VERY important when I was younger ---- but I think I've gone beyond all that now. If something is meant to be.......no state license will change it. My happiness, satisfaction and life as well as ability to make a meaningful existence for someone else, along with myself won't change in any way so paying the state for their blessing does not and would not interest me. Hope I haven't disappointed too many by my outlook on things. I just think I don't need a state contract any more to care about someone honestly and deeply.
Hugs, Jackie
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Gee...it's a WHOLE 1 degree in the forest this morning.
Too funny about your built in flotation devices!
I remember when my sister was pregnant. We went swimming and she was belly up in the water and could not roll over. It was so funny!
WELCOME to the new girls here!
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Hello there.. I'm gone for 2 days and can barely catch up.. Well.. thank you all for your advice as this trip would have been quite more challenging and miserable without it. I learned one thing.. if you want to ZIP through airport security, get wheelchair service. Thanks Laura for the very fashionable designer boots!! You have ammased quite a collection!! Came home last night.. got x-rayed.. luckily it's just a hairline fracture.. so should heal in 4-6 weeks.. no driving for me.. I will go NUTS at home!! UGH.. Herceptin in an hour for me..
The question that has been brought up is definitely a hard one.. I dated a man who was widowed and I agree with Valgal.. you do not ever replace the other woman. He talked about her all the time, showed me pictures and movies. Now that I'm in this situation, I think as much as I will hate it, it would be very selfish for me to have my DH be left alone to raise the baby.. so I would think he'll move on.. but I would prefer NOT to meet her I think..
Happy belated Lago!!
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Joan Love the floaty story. too funny
Not typing as much today because I'm wearing 2 LE sleeves and gloves. It slows me down. LE PE wants to see if it will help my other arm. I don't have discomfort but it is bigger… but as we know I am retaining fluid. I should be getting my diuretic soon. Has some miss communication with NP and pharmacy that was finally cleared up about 10 minutes ago.
Yes I am still Violet from Willy Wonka but not getting the benefit of the blueberry antioxidants.
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Joan - The "floaties" story is funny. Wish I was there to see it.
Lago - You seem to be going through a lot of crap. I saw the pictures you posted of your nails and I could just feel the pain. Hope you are starting to feel better soon.
Well I am in a hospital since Monday morning. Passed out twice so went to the emergency room. Turns out that I had a bleeding ulcer and lost 5 units of blood. Differing opinions on what caused the ulcer. Hopefully I will be released tonight. Had to cancel my trip. So if I am released and feel good enough I will go to Carolyn's wake tomorrow.
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OMG char. I wish I had know. I was just at 150 E Huron for PE. I would have visited. Let me know if you go tomorrow. We can go together.0
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Healthy vibes Char.
OK. So, I have this image of a BC survivor swim class and it's a bunch of women floating tits up!
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Joan: your floaties story is hillarious.
Char: Sorry to hear that you are in the hospital, hopefully you do get released tonight and start feeling better soon.
Lago: Glad to hear that the diuretic mixup is solved and hopefully you will get the diuretic soon and it will do what it si suppose to do and be a great help. Sorry to hear you are going through all that.
I had my first mammogram yesterday since all this started last Feb. The preliminary results are that all that is see in surgical changes around the scars. Also saw my MO and I can now have my port removed. See the surgeon next Thursday for the final results of the mammo and to schedule the date for surgery. Didnt really think that I would be so excited to get this point out since it never bothers me and I really dont give it much mind. I think what I am most excited about is that I will not have to go every four weeks to have it flushed.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.
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Good Morning Ladies. I am so touched by all who responded to my post. Your heartfelt comments and advise were well taken. Although I know that I am still processing things, I am feeling stronger. Hopefully the next time we get together with our friend and his new date it will not have such a devastating effect on me. He knows how much we care for him. He saw this as Mary was diagnosed, went through treatment and then passed. My DH went to his house regularly to sit and talk or just have a beer. He was this first person my DH told when I was Dx with BC. I sat with Mary so he could run errands and just get out of the house. When hospice came to the house for the first time, I answered the door...I was still bald from TX and was wearing my scarf...poor nurse wasn't sure who the patient was! I guess seeing Mary go through TX and then watching her decline was so very personal for me. I saw myself in her situation. And it just hit home. Most of the time and am very positive in my outlook on life. Cancer can really challenge that but all in all I always thought I handled and continue to handle things with a good attitude. But sometimes.....the reality of this disease can bring you to your knees. And that is where I must say thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my sorrows and worries and taking the time to post your thoughts and your personal stories.
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There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
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MORNING ALL!!!! I would tell you what the exact temp is on my deck but do you really want to know???? I say it is 63 and sunny. So there!
Navy.....I like to think too that I handled the cancer beast well but I sure had my share of dark times and many, many tears. But...life is beautiful and we all eventually realize that it is short and we refuse to waste a minute of it.
Char....I am so sorry you are in the hospital! How are you doing today?
Lago....hows the diuretic working out? Still concerned about your heart function tho....Are your nails any better now that you move further out from chemo? Like I said, I was the opposite of you and get really strong, long, pretty nails from chemo....but Herceptin made them peel across the whole nail. Chemo and other txs sure treat us differently!
Hope everybody else is doing well in this horrible weather...thankfully the thaw is coming, starting tomorrow. Take care...and bundle up if you have to go out!
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