INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours

Very hard week, challenging decisions. 

I have decided to quit Femara. When I met my MO in December 2011, I was Stage I, no chemo, no rads, no nodal involvement. My IDC was multifocal: one tumor was 1 and a half millimeters, the other one was half a millimeter. When I got my final path report back, they found NO evidence of any invasive cancer! They said the biopsies must have gotten it all.

But the MO still put me on Arimidex. I even lost 60 pounds so that I could tell her, See? I don't need it! But she did insist, and after one year, the SEs were so life-threatening I got a two month drug holiday. But after that, went on Femara. The first six months were a breeze, but now the SEs are hitting fast and hard, and I even have new, more painful ones.

I have no reason to complain. Life is good. I have a wonderful husband and many other blessings. AND - no cancer! But the constant pain has created so much crushing depression that I have withdrawn from almost all activities.

Here's the clincher: DH is sick. He has incurable kidney disease. We are praying for a miracle, and a complete reversal of the disease. Barring that, we pray for remission for the rest of his life. But the reality is that he may have to go on dialysis. With this disease, he is not a candidate for transplant.

So here I have been, wallowing selfishly in my own misery, and we have done nothing together. 

It finally occurred to me that if I stay on Femara for three more years, and THEN I'm ready to travel, etc, DH may no longer be able to. We need to enjoy whatever life we have NOW, while we are physically able.

After BMX, the MO told me my risk of recurrence was less than 1%, and that if I turned out to be one of those women who could not tolerate the AIs or other drugs, she felt comfortable taking me off of them.

Unfortunately, she's out of the office til next month, so I just made the decision myself and stopped the Femara last night. I wish we could have talked about this, and that I got to hear her say "You are absolutely right!"

It will take diligence and commitment to living a healthy life without this "insurance" but that's kind of what we do already. Those calculators say that my life expectancy will be increased by 32 days if I take the drug. All I really want is some time for DH and me to take a trip together, while we still can.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I send love and hugs and prayers to all who have hurting hearts and bodies tonight!!!!

FierceBluBird, happy for you that you got to have a fun weekend with family. I love spur of the moment adventures...

Blessings, I think you you are making a informed, good decision. Your risk is so small, or not at all. I really do not like the SE of Armidex, so achy & sore. My risk is huge, I will take it for 10 years. I told my surgeon last week that I hated it. He suggested switching. I think I would be just trading one SE for another. So sorry that your DH is struggling right now. I hope the Drs can get it under control.

Jwoo, love your avatar photo with friends? What is the person on the right holding up?

Great quote from Bob Marley, Smarrty. Has the 2nd wedding happen? Please share photos of the bridesmaid dresses. 

It's late, night all...

wedding is Friday evening. Yes I'll post a pic, hopeful me with all 4 girls. Haha

Blessings, make sure you can quit cold turkey or should stop gradually. Don't want to make it worse.

Sorry some of you are having hard times. Best wishes to you for better days ahead.

(Oh, I've lost 17 lbs in 7 weeks. Almost half way there. I'll probably stop at 35-40 lbs. I can already see some of the affects and feel it in my upper chest, just where I needed to lose it, Not!)   I've decided to shoot for October to do the replacement of the girls and not go on the cruise. DH hasn't said anything yet. 

Susan3, my husband's parents have known each other from about third or fourth grade as well and they both just turned 80 within the last year.  He saw her skipping rope with her sausage curls and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry someday" and he did.  Also, I can relate on mothers/handfuls.  I could start but then I might never stop...  

2TA - thank you, my sweet Sistah!!! Sending you many, many hugs!!! Hope you are getting some physical, mental, and spiritual rest. Look for an email from me.

Holeinone - thank you for your kind thoughts. Since I don't have my MO to bounce my ideas off of, my BCO sisters are the next best thing!!!! 

LeeA - thank you for the prayers!!! Each one is felt, believe me!!!

Smaarty - Last year, I quit the Arimidex cold turkey... no consequences. Hoping for the same. 17 pounds? Congratulations!

Wren - thanks for the vote of confidence. It's amazing how powerful the words "You're doing the right thing..." can be.

Susan - I met DH in Kindergarten. (But we didn't marry until much later.) We went all the way through school together. We reconnected at our 30 year HS reunion. He had just been widowed. We married almost 9 years ago. We invited our Kindergarten teacher to the wedding, and at the Reception, we had her stand up and we told the story. We thanked her for introducing us! 

That's a beautiful story, Blessings! 

Yes!  A chocolate coke.... Hah!  Thanks HIO....  And those little coke glasses!.... Did you get all your bark down?  It makes it all look so neat.

So 222222ndT!  THERE you are... You wrote something and then deleted that because you were "ashamed" because I'll bet you thought you blabbed too much about personal stuff.... It's okay...  I have no idea what you were talking about, but it's maybe something to do with what WE were talking about.

Don't be ashamed...  It helps you to get it out...  If you have someone you can run away to, that is great.  You need a breathing period... 

I know............  A lot of us "know."......  

One time...(the first time) I ran away, it was at 4 in the morning... And I went to a little Diner, and just sobbed. 

I sat there until it got light.... and then I drove to a motel, and thought I would just stay there.

I called my oldest DD, and she told me Dad is frantic!  Yes... honey, that is the point!  I am DONE, I've made up my mind, I can't take it anymore....   She said at LEAST call him and talk to him...

So I did, and I started sobbing so hard I couldn't even talk... or catch my breath... People in the hallway were looking at me like I was some sort of deranged woman!  I WAS!  

He begged me to come home...  And I finally said I would...  I first went to my youngest Daughter's house, and I just couldn't go home yet!  It took soooooo much to get up enough courage to leave, but I DID it, and if I went back too soon, I thought I had just given up again...  But I eventually went back....   Walked past him, out of my car.... took my little suit-case in...

And when he came in, he said "You want to go shopping?"  I guess it was just ANYthing to get us back talking again. 

We went to the mall....   So that was the first time.

22222222nd.... If you ran away, and it helped you, for whatever reason, that is good!  Maybe it will help things!  All we want to do is show them we can't take it any more.... and maybe that's all it takes.

So whatever you did....  take care of yourself...  but never be ashamed.  We are just here for each other...  See, I feel okay talking about this, because we came THROUGH it...!  And we are happier now than I ever thought possible! 

So don't freak out...  and yes I'll say a little prayer for you....  It will always get better, one way or another.... take one day at a time, and take care of yourself!

Nettie....  If you can do any kind of outdoor "cleaning" or moving around, or just going for a walk, it really helps...   Try something that maybe helps you get going?   I didn't think I would ever move again, after I broke my hip.....

But It's actually trying to be part of the rest of my body, and moves pretty good!  I had to smack it into shape.... I had to get outdoors, park my cane, and get my mind off of it, and move around..... a lot!

If I can make myself enjoy something, at almost 77, and pretend I am not as old as that actually is, I am much better off.

222222222nd.... And what's this about being "embarrassed?"  You think me and Cammi ever do that?    Nope....  that's "recockulous" as Cammi would say....

And can   I call you Maddy now.... because I'm running out of 2222222222's.

Blessings.... I quit Tamoxifen on my own...  Just talk to your Doc when you get a chance....  But your reasons are more important.... Like you said! 

Just take that DH and go and enjoy life!  You can do anything you want! Don't think about what could happen with you guys, just go like there is nothing stopping you!  I'm glad you shared this with us.....  that's what we are here for...

Have fun Friday night Smarty!  ....  Congratulations on the weight loss.  I'm too busy to even try it right now....

Okay, morning to all our other friends!  I'm going to go sit outdoors for a few minute, before it gets light...  drink my coffee, and just enjoy.... something!

good morning owlettes . Hope your days are full of sunshine and rainbows

sas...........where r u? Is everything ok? Thinking about you  

I know!  Haven't  heard from the Sassmiester in a long time!  Come out and play miss Sassy-pants!

Nettie....  Now it sounds like it is up to you to just take care of yourself.... In other words, make yourself happy....  We can't think that our DH will make us happy, because sometimes they don't, or can't.     One time I went to WW, and I loved it...DH hated it, because I started feeling good about myself, and the way I looked.  Made a few really nice friends,  and changed my whole outlook!  Maybe that's why I decided I was responsible for myself, and  this gave me a lot of self confidence!  A group really helps!  And it works.

Oh, yes, Chevy, I know that no one can make me happy but myself, but it's just that I so want to spend quality time with the DH and he seems to not really care much about it unless it suits his needs!  Ex:   the stuff tonight and tomorrow, that is all about what he wanted to do!  Now don't misunderstand, I enjoy it but just wish that I could make him understand that we need to do more things together!  I'm not one to lay around and mope or be depressed!  I just feel like we are wasting valuable time on things that we could do together!

Just peeking in.

this is a real tree. A rainbow eucalyptus  !! Wish it was in my backyard.

Chevy your dinner sounds just delightful! How about some Squirrel Pudding for dessert?

Paula

Oh but we can't make squirrel pudding....  we just treat them like pets around here...  We feed them every day.

Same with the neighbor chickens.... Nothing is wild around her anymore.... not even ME!