Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?
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Oops, raining here today. Dh will have to go out and figure out the defroster so I can go to work. Well, I think I can skip the car wash anyway. Don't know how long the rain will be with us --- but many around us are getting some snow, so I can be glad it is only rain. Any drop in temps wont' last too long so that too is a good thing. I'm just not liking the rain. Dh is off today -- hmmm. I only work until 1 p.m. Maybe a day at the gym may be in order.
Always loose ends to do here at home. See you all later.
Jackie
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Sandra, what a nightmare with your son. My younger sister has two children, a girl 34 and a son 20 something, who both have mental health issues but I don't think she has ever been through anything like the past two days with your son. He sounds like he is his own worst enemy.
One thing about this forum is that I'm able to put my own difficulties into perspective. Today I plan to visit another nursing home before I go to the hospital to relieve my younger sister. It fits her schedule better to go in the morning after she has fed her horses and cows and put a grand daughter on the school bus. Currently the 34 yr. old daughter is living (temporarily) at my sister's house with the grand daughter. Two older children are in MS with their father. I have shared stories about this niece in the past. Her life is a saga of poor choices.
It's good to hear from everybody. Rita, I smiled at your admission that you didn't like snow even when you were a child. And it seems your love of reading began early. I'm laboring through a book that was written and published by a high school friend. My brother bought the book and gave it to me so I feel obligated to finish it It's about this friend's grandfather who was hanged for murder in 1909. She's telling the story as though it's present tense and she uses a lot of "purple prose." It's like a lot of self published books and could have used some editing. The ole English teacher/writer talking there.
Wishing everyone a good day.
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Jackie, the music idea really helped. I turned on the station on the t.v. for "Sounds of the Season" and got lots of lovely, calming music. Ryan called me at 7 this morning. He did not sleep a wink last night, just drank all but 3 "shots" in the bottom of the bottle which he says is not enough to get him through the day. I wanted him to go eat breakfast since it is complimentary, but he said no. He ranted for over an hour, then told me his bank account is surely overdrawn so if we didn't want to have to pay his overdraw charges, I should go put money in his account to cover it. Mike is the only one who has the codes to transfer money, so I had to ask him to check Ryan's account. In the meantime, Ryan left the hotel and was walking around, lost again, 2 hours later. He thinks he can find his way back to the hotel. They have a shuttle to the airport, which is close by. Ryan's plane leaves at 3 pm. Allison has his boarding pass so she is planning to meet him at 2 pm to hand it over. I pray there is no drama then. She is thinking of asking to be put on stand-by for a later flight. Not a bad idea. I can pick him up, reunite him with his cat, and take him to his apartment where he will sleep. (He says he hasn't slept, bathed, or changed clothes in 4 days.) Later I can go back and pick up Allison. She'll be here 2 weeks. I worry for her safety since he is hell-bent on revenge. It's all her fault, you know.
Mike is heartsick this morning and he doesn't know very much of what happened. He won't, if I can help it. Just knowing that Ryan acted up and is re-booked for today was enough to send Mike down the depression path. (The family connection towards depression is through his side.) To make matters worse, he has his first side effect, a bad sore throat. I suspect his depressed mood had something to do with it, but admit that bone marrow transplant medicine and the recovery procedure is very complicated and usually means much worse side effects. Was it the chicken or the egg? I don't know if his mood affected his ability to resist the sore throat. Sounds ridiculous for those of us with immune systems but without one, his body is in turmoil 24/7. He has survived 14 days now. The docs say 50% of older patients don't make it this far so his chances of making it to 100 days has risen to 69%.
ChiSandy, it's possible my daughter Allison Asher knows your son since she's involved in improv and other acting opportunities in Chicago. (She has an MFA in Acting.) Right now she's teaching he Meisner technique and another class called Improv for the Serious Actor at the Chicago Actors Studio. Link to one of her classes is below, which has her photo and short resume. Perhaps they know each other.
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Sandra.... I know you feel like things are under control.... but sometimes you have to step back and think.... Am I really helping him by helping him? It kind of sounds like you are looking at this, without feeling it, and that is good...!
Your Son will depend on you guys for everything..... even if it is ridiculous, or just something that he wants.... You are his Parents, so therefore, HE thinks, you are responsible for everything he wants or needs. His Sisters are right in the middle of this too... and it's gotta be hard on them also....
He should be telling you," this is all my fault, and I haven't been taking care of myself, or even thought responsibly".... but he is acting out like he is still a little boy.... wanting sympathy, while all the while not doing anything about it.... And even telling you what he is doing, knowing it will hurt you and bring you to the rescue....
My Brother used to call and talk to me about his Son.... It was hurting the whole family....his Wife and his other Daughter's. This went on from the time he was a teenager, to now, and he is 56.... Now, when he calls, I just ask is "everything okay?" And we don't even talk about it...but I'm here if he needs me.....
If you could just remove Mike from having to deal with any of this.... I don't think I would even tell him anything else.... It hurts him too, and he knows he can't do anything about it.... It's dragging you guys right down the rabbit-hole with your Son. Kenny used to say "I had to let go and let God."
I know how you are feeling, like you should be giving him money every times he asks... but it seems to be not helping.... he expects more, and only needs it for his own wants.
One day there will come a time, when you CAN'T give him what he wants.... or come to the conclusion that everything you are doing, isn't helping ......
I know Interventions usually don't help.... at least the few cases I have been close to...... I don't have any answers.... just thinking about you, and hoping you will find another way ..... Take care of that Husband of yours.... HE is worth living for.
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Ryan is in the hospital in Chicago. He made it to the airport today but had problems in the security line. He was extraordinarily drunk and was falling over or knocking things over. The cops were called in and things got worse. Ryan was taken to Christ Advocate Medical Center via ambulance. He was violent and it took 6 policemen to control him. Finally the doctor gave him a shot to knock him out. He is now sleeping but is tied to the bed. Allison has all his clothes and possessions. We have no idea what's next. He will be absolutely petrified when he wakes up...no clothes, in a strange place, restrained, thousand miles from home. My heart aches. The hospital will keep testing his blood until he is deemed sober enough to have an evaluation by a social worker and a psychiatrist. I don't know if he will be admitted or released. I don't think the airline will let him re-book the flight...again. I was able to talk to Ryan's San Antonio doctor (a wonderful primary care guy) who volunteered to call Ryan around noon today. He called me back and said he thought Ryan would be fine and would I bring him to the office tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to get him home. Money is a big problem. Allison is hurting as well. She's been through so much in the last couple of weeks.
The problem with people who are mentally ill is that you can't use logic with them. Ryan is extraordinarily intelligent (160 IQ) but is incapable of helping himself for very long. He can work sometimes so for a few months things look good. Then some little thing will bring him crashing down. He has had so many nervous breakdowns, I can't even count. This has gone on all his life, even as a little boy. We've gone through many psychiatrist, psychologists, counselors, drugs, and theories. Tough love works...sometimes. It depends on the situation. Usually it only makes things worse. He stopped taking medication at 18 when we couldn't force him anymore. He only recently (4 months ago?) started taking Paxil daily and Xanax when he is having panic attacks. Obviously he needs more but has resisted all attempts to get him to go back into counseling and consider something stronger than an anti-depressant. He has attempted suicide a number of times and we've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to keep him safe over his 31 years.
Mike is doing worse today. His lab numbers show the transplant is not working. His throat is quite sore and his jaw is hurting. He is upset over Ryan. All I told him today was that Ryan and Allison would be home in a few days. He asked if Ryan had "crashed" and I said yes. He seemed to fade into depression then.
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Sandra, you are going through so much right now. I had high hopes ( foolish in hind-sight ) that things would even out, but no one gets to plan the good things in life much. In fact, the best times we are have are usually un-expected and never planned for. My heart is aching for all of these things which are coming all at once.
Many prayers will go out tonight on your and your families behalf. Sending healing positive energies for peace and calm and rest for you. Sometimes, we just have to let God take over.
Love and peace,
Jackie
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Sandra, My heart goes out to you. I don't know how you're managing all you do. Prayers for the whole family. Hugs.
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I'm grateful to have a place to come to where I feel surrounded by friends. Thank you for letting me lean on you all.
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Sandra, you okay? I'm here... having coffee... I can feel your heart-ache... just know that we are always here, and we understand.
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Sometimes, after a 72 hour hold, they release them to another care-center, for evaluation.... It would be a life-saver if they could... and if they would keep him there for at least a week.... During this time, they can't leave, but they can walk around the grounds with one of the staff, as in a group. No alcohol... and only prescribed meds for their symptoms.
You can visit them, and bring them clothes, etc. No toiletries, like razors... It's a very controlled place.... They have group therapy. And are only released to the family, when all are deemed safe.
It's like a mandated rehab... then after that is hopefully successful, they go to "sober-living".... Another group living home....
Right now, my brother's Son in Law, is finally able to live in his own place. HE is the Husband of my Brother's Daughter, who died from her cancer. She found him one time, under their house... drunk as usual, hiding from "something"... She went through this, and trying to raise her 12 year old Son, and being stage 4...
But he then "lived" in a rehab center... no alcohol, and he made it! NOW, almost 6 years later, he and his Son are living in their own home, both working, and it's like a miracle.
So there ARE happy endings....!
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Oh Sandra....I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all these problems. They would be hard enough to handle separately, let alone having to deal with all of them at once. I'm sure you're exhausted from trying to be there for everyone. I have no magic words of advice for you but do want you to know that I think of you often and have been praying for your family. (((HUGS)))) Chevy is right....we are all here for you. Writing things down has always been a stress-relieving technique for me and hopefully your posts will relieve some of your stress. Throughout the years I have kept a journal where I poured out my frustrations and hopes. I always felt better after putting my thoughts on paper.
I have lots of things to do today! My kids are arriving later today and will be here for few days. It will be so nice to spend Easter with them. My youngest grandson's birthday falls on Easter this year, too, so we will have more than one thing to celebrate. I can't believe that our baby will be 7 years old!
Happy Easter to all of you!
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Good morning everyone.
Sandra (((HUGS))) Just want to let you know we are here and feel your pain and understand your stress. I pray for your peace and happiness.
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It's not the length but the quality of life that matters to me.
It has always been important to me to write one sentence at a time,
to live every day as if it were my last and judge it in those terms,
often badly, not because it lacked grand gesture or grand passion
but because it failed in the daily virtues of self-discipline,
kindness, and laughter. It is love, very ordinary, human love,
and not fear, which is the good teacher and the wisest judge.
Jane Rule0 -
Morning friends,
Having coffee in my little office. No sun yet today. but later on it might get out. Will be in the mid 50's so I can manage. I'd sure like the sun to hurry out for me though. I want to send lots of it to Sandra. The next few days won't be great but we always face iffy weather patterns this time of yr.
I think writing here for many is nearly like doing a journal. Often, just thinking of writing some of my issues just seems to help them evaporate. As many know already, I think of being here --- a part of this time, and a part of a beautiful planet called Earth, as how I've chosen to perfect my soul. It is not about being perfect, but about learning our place in the universe and holding as steady as we can --- growing from the experiences we have over time and knowing that each twist and turn has its own reasons. Though a lot of answers may be occluded I have reached a stage where I feel quite comfortable that what I need to know will be revealed when I need it.
Many challenges ( like Sandra's and Puffin's right now ) are very, very difficult, and are causing us to reach so deeply for resources within. They are there, but often we have to continue the struggle for some time. I hope and pray my biggest struggles ( I had some mighty ones ) are behind me and that is what I hope for Sandra and Puffin. That when you come out on the other side of the life events you are having right now, you will be able to 'feel' that you got through that valley of the shadows, not without a few scars, dents, and chips, but with the knowingness that you are never alone or abandoned. Angels and guides are taking every step that you do and lifting you through the hardest and deepest.
We are never ALONE no matter how much it may feel like it at times. We are not sacrificed, deserted, or discarded and no one said it would be easy, but just worth it when we get past today's trials and into tomorrow's sunshine. It could be a long walk, but we are not alone or abandoned.
Jackie
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Ah Jackie.... I got tears in my eyes with your poem.... It was always my Mom's favorite... I carry it in my wallet, because she had it in hers....
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My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!, Right?
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 was the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. If you have not already done so, set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds right now..0 -
Chevy -- that piece was my Mom's favorite too.
By the way --- I love what you just entered -- that may become MY favorite.
Jackie
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Puffin and Sandra, praying for you both. Somehow thru these things we find inner strength we never knew we had.
Chevy, didn't know you were a comedian. Enjoyed your post.
Today was lovely here, about 68 and a good deal of sunshine. The forsythia and the magnolias are coming out, and the irises are about 3 inches tall. Pretty good for March around here. The last snow missed us, we didn't miss it!
Jean
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Thanks Chevy for the chuckles. Needed that today.
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Chevy, thanks for the laughs, this is my favorite today "I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day."
Rita, it's nice to be back.
Sandra - I'm adding my hugs and prayers for you and your family. To be dealing with a DH transplant and your son's mental illness (close or far away) is a lot for you to handle. We are all here for you. I hope that your son will find and accept treatment to get out of his situation - sounds like he's at bottom or close to it. It's good your daughters are able to help you. Take a few minutes and do something you love for 10 min. a day at least. Dance, color, create something fun. Pamper yourself for 5 min. You deserve it.
I feel most comfortable in this forum, so I'll admit that I have bipolar disorder. It's not fun, but I've been on a combination of medicines for 20 years and managing fairly well, even with the bc dx. BUT, when I took the Ananestrazole or however you spell it, it messed me up physically, mentally and emotionally, I had insomnia, diarrhea, couldn't eat and then I had a manic episode (the first in over 20 years). I stopped the meds, but my MO told me she'd like me to try another one because with Her+, if I get a different cancer, it'll be incurable. I was too shocked to ask questions. All I could tell her was I do not want another manic episode, and can't live with that. She said she didn't want to disrupt my mental disorder either or my quality of life.
She said she'd like me to try another med and see if it will work, to say we tried. It's a 20% chance of recurrence without the drug and a 5% change if I take it. I'm going to get more information from my psychiatrist (who said no, don't take it) and the pharmacist, but I don't know any drug names yet.
Have any of you had any experience with this? I'd really be grateful for information.
Ritajean - hope you have a wonderful Easter with your family.
ChiSandy - have a safe trip and enjoy your trayf meal (LOL). Hope you have a great time and take some pics to share. Again, be safe and please don't go anywhere alone if you can avoid it.
It's getting late here, so I'm going to journal about some things and then go to bed.
Linda
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Earlier in the week the stress manifested itself as a large "rock" in my chest. This morning my upper back was uncomfortable too, I was cold but at the same time was sweating (diaphoretic.) Probably understandable but just in case, I went to my doctor's office. The EKG was fine, my heart sounded fine, but my temp was too low and the sweating was quite obvious. She wanted to call an ambulance to take me to the ER "just in case" but I said absolutely not. She agreed it could be from stress so I knew I was fine. The last thing my poor daughters need to hear is that their mother is in the hospital too. It's much better now. A friend showed up at my house with a bouquet and we shared a pot of tea. I realized my chest didn't hurt for some of the time she was here.
Ryan was transferred to Chicago Behavorial Hospital in Des Plaines, IL this afternoon. It's a psychiatric hospital specializing in addiction treatment. Allison was able to see him for 10 minutes tonight to take him clean clothes and let him know he is not alone. She said his hands were shaking. (Alcohol withdrawal?) He is scared to death. I don't know how long he will be there. We won't know until Monday if the airline will let him on a flight again. The people who can make the decision were off for the long Easter holiday.
Mike is worse. He looked awful today and seemed to be in a stupor. Everything hurt. His nurse convinced him to take a narcotic pain drug even though he said he wasn't in pain - it was just uncomfortable. I spoke to him hours later and he said he felt better. He said he didn't know how much pain he was in until the drug kicked in and the pain was gone.
Time to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will surely be another long day.
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Morning gals! Linda... Are those your ear-rings you wore in High-School? Ha! I saw a funny cartoon, of a gal saying "I'd like for you all to know I can wear the same ear-rings I wore in High School!"
My Oncologist also wanted me to try another drug... I stopped Tamoxifen, because of different SE's... SOME have no problem, but I did.
She said something about Femara, but I didn't want to take the chance of another "life-changing" SE...
Jackie, tell her what you take... or took.... See Linda, we are all different. I wouldn't worry too much about those statistics your Doc told you... She shouldn't try and scare you into taking anything either...
We are all so different... SOME can take this, but other's can't... And no-one can say we will ever get cancer again.... Sure, me MIGHT, but we MIGHT fall and break our damn neck in the mean time!
We just don't know, and they can't prove that taking one thing over another will "help" us.
I took Tamoxifen for 1 1/2 years... Lost my hearing... But I was just one of those oddities that this happened to, because of a certain gene, at MY age, and I had a "small infarct"...(stroke) near my 8th cranial nerve, and it affected my hearing. I could hear, and woke up one morning and my ears were "plugged up"...
Finally found out what happened... but too late. Only happens occasionally... they say. But "stroke" was listed as one of the side effects. There ARE tests to see if you have this certain gene... but they don't give it, unless asked.
I quit taking the drug, took lots of vitamins, and didn't see any difference, and I am over 6 years without any cancer. So we just cross our fingers, and live every day as if there are no tomorrows, but we pray for a million more "tomorrow's".
Sandra, it IS your nerves...! Same thing with me one time, and all this going on with my Dad! Too much stress, mixed with caffeine will make your heart go crazy.
It will really get to you....
And yes, when my Dad couldn't drink, he had the shakes. It would be nice if they could keep him there for a longer period than just a few days. He is safe there, and cannot get alcohol. He needs more help than just a few days, or even weeks.
They can control his withdrawal symptoms... Of course he is scared.... right now his worst fear, is not knowing how he can get that next drink...
He is not safe to himself or others right now... If they can work with him, and have him go to group therapy, and get sober for longer than a few days, he COULD learn to understand how much it is hurting him. HIM, and YOU guys, and his SISTERS. He does need psychiatric help.... and now would be his best chance to get it....
I remember one time, coming home from my job, and finding my Dad sitting on the couch, crying, with a shot-gun across his lap. He was going to kill himself. Well, he was working at it pretty hard.... always drunk, fighting, and making everyone around him miserable.
He left, I called Mom home from work, and she came home, went and got Grandma, and they found him at his girl-friend's house, telling her good-by.
Well of course he didn't kill himself, and all the women were all so relieved, (sounds like a book...) and he minded himself for awhile, and then right back to what he was doing in the first place.....
I think your biggest problem right now, is Mike, and what is going on with him... Maybe not even talk about your Son to him, unless you say everything is good... Man, I don't know what else to say......
I just hope when I talk to you like this, you will know that I really care, and have been in or seen others in that situation.... Your Son will hold onto you, because he knows you will help him, and do whatever you can to give him what he needs... or thinks he needs.... I think if he were able to stay where he is, would be the best and safest thing he could be doing. At least for right now...
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Chevy, I have missed you. It really hit me as I read your words. It's like you are sitting across from me at the kitchen table, giving me a dose of common sense. Thank you for being you.
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Oh Sandra.... THANK you little honey... Yep, we're just gals talking over coffee... How you doing this morning?
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See, it's so important that you take care of yourself... I got so afraid of what my heart was doing at one time... I was close to passing out several times! Had to wear a Holter Monitor... then an Event monitor....! My heart finally settled down, when I settled down! Just want you to take "time-out" for yourself... Your heart can't take things like your brain can.... It starts to "break".... And you have to take care of it... AND Mike! xoxo
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Just a sweet little song Orlando Daughter sent me one time...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXUCJuiIyho&feature=youtu.be 0 -
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Let every creature have your love. Love, with its fruits of
meekness, patience, and humility, is all that we can wish for
ourselves and our fellow creatures. For this is to live in God,
united with him, both for time and eternity.To desire to
communicate good to everyone, in the degree that we can and
to which each person is capable of receiving from us, is
a divine temper, for thus God stands unchangeably
disposed towards the whole creation.
William Law0 -
Have to listen to the second one, but oh what a neat LAVA song. We all missed Chevy, Sandra and now she REALLY knows we need her. Like Chevy, I do feel that as long as Ryan is in the hospital he is fairly safe and can come down a lot easier from the manic state he was in. My son is bi-polar so I'm aware of self medicating with drugs or alcohol. I had to just hand it to God because I became so ineffective at doing anything. We like to feel in charge but I'm not sure we EVER actually are that much. Just feels like it maybe when we are doing things.
Of course, the truth is that bi-polar-manic-depressives are not in great shape and likely would never have the cognition that they are deeply in 'troubles' of some sort most of the time. Especially if you can't help them to see how important medications can be to relieve them of burdens so they can attempt to be somewhat successful in getting along in life. I hope that you are on the way to things starting to come together here.
Linda, I can see you have a rather lg. dilemma as well. The medications issues for you too. Sometimes we just never know, but many people have been successful with the 5 yr. cancer drugs. I took Anastrozole which is the generic for Arimidex. I had no problems with the Arimidex, but when it went generic and I started taking the Anastrozole I had three months of misery. Hurt all over and just felt un-well. Just as I was ready to ask my Dr. to try something else it stopped being problematic. Doesn't sound though like you could wait for 3 months of any of these drugs to "settle" out for you.
Some days there isn't a good answer for things.
I'm off to feed cats, wash my car, pick up a gal and go to lunch then back here to work until it is time for me to go to work tonight -- so I'll catch you all a little later.
Blessings,
Jackie
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Lew's funeral was yesterday, I lost count how many floral arrangements there were - 7 Peace Lilies alone. No way do I have room in my little house for all the flowers so sent bouquets home with any family who would take them, and I still have 10 left here in my house.
Ed and Dad just headed for home, I have 2 more Peace Lilies to give away, going to visit my friend who lives in assisted living this afternoon, she says there is a common living area by her room where I can put them.
So many people came they had to open up the back wall of the chapel and have people standing in the vestibule for the service. The minister did a wonderful job, not too "preachy" and not long winded. He allowed time for people to come up and tell stories . I knew if I didn't get up right away I wouldn't be able to. I kept telling myself all day "I am strong, I can do this", and I did. I consciously drew in energy from everybody I hugged. Had a few teary episodes throughout the day, but avoided the total meltdown. I was so afraid I'd totally lose it and go into the ugly cry like I've done at home when I'm alone. Also knew it would be so much harder for his kids and grandkids if I was bawling my eyes out. But that takes a lot of energy and by the time I got home last night I was totally drained.
This morning we took Lew's oldest son's family to the cemetery to see the columbarium where Lew's ashes will be placed when the plaque arrives in a couple months. He'll be on the southeast corner and the morning sun just makes that whole side sparkle.
Then I'm going to start going through the huge stack of cards from yesterday, and I suppose start writing thank you cards.Chevy: your comic post made me laugh out loud! I needed that, thank you.
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