Husband dealing with Tamoxifen needing to vent

@Mods, can you move this thread to whatever the one is for caregivers, if that still exists? Someplace where women who have or had cancer don't have to see it since it's EXTREMELY triggering?

ETA,this is why the thread category needs to be at the top of the topic, not buried in tiny print! How are we supposed to know what threads to ignore?

This post is in the correct section but as alicebastable notes, tiny print makes it somewhat difficult to notice.

Vidal,

Harley’s suggestion about seeking professional help is a good one. Your post is very honest and I hope you find a way to work on your relationship. Between your wife’s bc dx and her co-morbidities she has far more to deal than you do although I acknowledge the stressors this has created for you as well. While I have sympathy for you because diseases touch the whole family, it is your wife who has to deal with it first hand. As for your mother? If she can’t be a positive force at this time then she should say nothing at all. Just getting over it and thinking positive is not how it works for most of us. And yes this was extremely triggering. Again, I sympathize but as a bc patient , as most on this site are, I wish I’d never read it.

Thank you, vidal for acknowledging that. I hope you seek counseling for yourself because the stressors you are experiencing are very real and need to be addressed . Many of us already feel guilt over burdening loved ones with our medical situation and resultant issues which are often ongoing. If we could wave a wand and make bc vanish we would but the reality is that despite how fluffy and pink bc has been made to look, it’s anything but that. I am stage IV and my family has had to deal with this for almost 12 years (yes, I am lucky). I know there have been rough patches for them too but these things happen , medical issues that is, in all families. Sorry but my guilt over having bc has risen a bit today. It stinks all around.

Vidal, as a starting point to making things go better, I strongly suggest that you get therapy for yourself and not focus on how your wife is not coping. Sorry, this is so strong but you have to take the lead here.

@exbrnxgrl - You are very wrong that I have no empathy for others. I simply stated my feelings along with saying everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions.

I do agree the forum headings are difficult to read, however the subject line was easily readable. You posted that “I’d wish I’d never read it”. Any time we click on a post it is our choice to open it, read it and comment or not. I’ve had to remind myself of that more than once. I just thought some of the responses were unduly harsh.

Harley, I'm having a difficult time navigating the new site. I tend to open any thread that's on the first page, because I'm not yet used to the uncategorized listing, exacerbated by my horrible eyesight (those surgeries will be this summer, one on the anniversary of my lumpectomy). I, too, was stage 1 for all of my cancers, but it happens that this is the time of year when I have a LOT of tests and scans and doctors appointments, so yes, I found the post triggering because it brought back a lot of emotions I keep tamped down most of the time. I'm happy for you that you don't have these issues, but I find it sad that you'd make negative comments to or about those who do, particularly on this site where we come for peer support.

Vidal, I hope you can get help with how you react to the many legitimate health issues your wife is dealing with. Yes, you posted in the correct place. It just happens that the new site is more of a work in progress than we'd expected, and emotions are running high these days due to our frustrations with it. Good luck to you AND your wife.

Vidal,

No need for apologies. I read your posting as asking for help. I agree with cowgirl's suggestion that you take the lead and seek out therapy/counseling for yourself. You mentioned your wife has seen a social worker in the past. My experience of social workers is that they have a different skill set from therapists. I'd go to a social worker for resource referrals, but not for psychological therapy/support. Your faith community would be another place to turn. Many faith communities have intercessory prayer groups, whose ministry is to pray for the needs of others. Keep reaching out.

Excellent post, Harley. 👍️

Vidal,

I am speaking for myself here. Cancer was not an easy road for me or my spouse. While I attended therapy, my spouse kept it all bottled up with a smile to allow me to have my emotions without guilt. After a time when I realized he was affected and holding it in, I asked if he'd like to vent to a therapist. He chose not to share with a therapist. We recently discussed him not talking to me about all of it after I thought we had moved past it. I was hurt by his choice not to share his feelings. He finally said he didn't share because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or add to any guilt I may have over it. I guess it was a bit of a catch-22. So, we are doing our best to share our feelings without guilt.

My spouse is very open about women who show their emotional sides (mental breaks). He told me that women are typically built emotionally, and it is natural for a woman to react emotionally (he meant this as a compliment to women). He doesn't understand men who think women are a lil crazy when they become emotional because it should be expected and understood. I love that about him.

He and I were built and raised differently, which didn't make it easier for either of us during my cancer rollercoaster. However, I am genuinely grateful to him for the smile he wore for me to allow me to have my cancer rollercoaster.

There was so much more between us that I didn't share. It was hard, and it still challenges both of us.
I posted my original post to have you try to look at it from her shoes. Cancer is a lot to deal with physically and emotionally. Each person will need a specific amount of time to work through it; some may work through it quickly, while others may take years to move past it. Everyone is different in handling emotional trauma or grief; perhaps your wife may need more time to work through it.

While I don't know your situation and can only guess from your post, I read that you both need to vent and need emotional support for the rollercoaster. Just food for thought...try to take Mom out of it and see if your wife can take your in-laws out of it. I can't imagine it helps much for either of you to have insecurities about discussions with the in-laws. My husband and I agreed years ago that if we needed to vent about one another, it must be with each other or only with someone in a solid marriage that could provide us adequate feedback for us to work together on.

Lastly, while I 100% agree with seeking support, if you didn't consider how your wife would feel if she read this post, please consider it. I have written intimate posts but shared them with my spouse (only my writing. I did not share any responses because they weren't mine to share).
I hope you guys find common ground to begin working toward one another rather than away from each other. The right therapist can be a Godsend.

P.S. If you wonder if you are alone in this, I can guarantee you are not. You could ask others here to share their personal stories with you as a caregiver or patient to help you find answers.

If this feels out of character for your wife, then dig deep, get counseling yourself, consider all the loads she might have been lifting for years with you barely or not at all aware, and do what you need to to do take care of yourself well enough to take care of her. Be open to the fact that there's something deeper underlying the arguments and be curious about what it is even if the process to get there feels hurtful and unfair.

If this feels in character for your wife, then… also dig deep, and remind yourself that this is the person you chose to spend your life with, shortcomings and all, and it is not fair to expect chronic medical problems and pain to bring out the best in her. Do what you need to do to do not engage with toxic arguments, and maybe work with a counselor independently to think about the role that you also played in these relationship dynamics.

"Usually I repress my feelings" - reframe this. Not expressing every emotion you have in the moment you have it is just adulting and adult management of feelings. It is ok to let one person at a time express big feelings, and attend to your own feelings later and decide what follow up to do. A counselor for you could be helpful to support your own emotional management, triaging, and deciding how/when to express difficult feelings to your wife

Has your wife asked her doctor about toremifene, lower dose tamoxifen, and/or foregoing hormonal treatment (which is a valid choice)? Maybe a second opinion consult to review options and risks? If she is willing and you go with her and back her up that it's having a destructive impact on her quality of life, doctors are more likely to take it seriously (this is a sad but apparently true fact that doctors take female patients' pain/symptoms more seriously when a man is vouching for them…).

And keep your mother far far away. That is some toxic bs.

Can you take some FMLA leave from your work, or even intermittent FMLA, to help create some more time for you and hopefully decrease some of the stress? Send the kids to an extended sleepaway camp this summer?

Vidal, so sorry you lost your baby & it's so sad some souls may sobb over trauma indefinitely. Grief and abandonment are such heavy losses which further causes our minds to be very busy adding stress. However, to be present to heal from higher consciousness, our minds must be somewhat open & blank without our usual daily busy thoughts.

Please be open to forgiveness in the mind for it holds much power. The spouses of BC patients are also victims of poor circumstances. There is no blame here, even though it's a most difficult task to ask ourselves to forgive (oneself). But it's important as we all go through our many growth stages.

Please know it is you and your BC patient who actually hold the power, NOT any potential psycho-therapists who anyone might wish to consult with. It's been my experience
patients can easily leave each formal psycho-therapy session with painfully open wounds until their next follow-up session a week or month later, which can sometimes be a counter-productive prolonged hurtful & expensive process with the wrong professional.

We collectively are the ones we've been waiting for. The right-sides of our brains may simply need some reawakening (or a tune-up or calibration). Any old habits and addictions can be neutralized if people can find the sources of their problems and if the person truly wants to embark on healing from within. We all each hold our own power.

You need not blame yourself for your work duty obligations. It's apparently your personal mission on Earth to create legal changes. Also please understand many indigenous tribes and the Iroquois Confederacy (oldest living participatory democracy) hold ancient 7-Generation philosophies:
“In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”

https://7genfoundation.org/7th-generation/
For example, lawyers are gifted with special skills, talents & foresight, and thus it's every lawyer's personal duty to share their gifts with Earth's civilizations. However, many careers use left-sided brains exclusively, which sees everything as logic & ego, detached from consciousness negatively draining one's own energy.

One solution would be to hike in the woods with Nature & connect with wildlife and trees for rejuvenation. It will allow our own frequencies to connect with Nature all around us.

An escape to a health & wellness retreat center for energetic healing modality or quantum healing hypnotherapy session might be a good vacation option for both you & Mrs.Vidal as a potential getaway. Such destinations are ideal for reopening the brain's right side for energetic healing, imagination and creativity to tap into one's "higher self" or consciousness. It's the beneficial healing of the mind-body-soul connection. Best wishes in your family decisions.

@aprilgirl—FYI, Tamoxifen is a hormone (endocrine) therapy drug. Tamoxifen is used to treat breast cancer in both premenopausal women and postmenopausal women. It can also be taken by men who have breast cancer. Some breast cancers use estrogen in the body to help them to grow.