My Chemotherapy Journey

STILL day 1. My husband arrived home. Ask what I want to do. Go to clinic or what. He came home in the afternoon. I still just lay there in the bed wallowing in misery I honestly don't know what I am waiting for.. a miracle? maybe I will feel better? Though not sure how when I don't eat or want to do anything really. I just am sooo weak, no energy at all. Anyway by night time and when it's time for me to shower. I just broke down again because I just am SO FUCKING TIRED of the extra shit I have to do for these fucking relentless boils now blisters to clean it, dress it, bandage just… so fucking over this shit already compounded by the fact - I HAVE NO ENERGY!!!! I am so weak… so I told my husband it's time to go to the clinic. We went to the same urgent care place the last time. This time it's different. They can see how weak I am. Because I told them so. That I am fearing I may have sepsis because I have an active infection, I am so fatigued, weak. The amount of blood they drew for me holy shit. and my hemoglobin is already LOW!! In fact I think I ran out of blood that day, because the last blood they draw I can see it's like almost water!!! DAMN it!

We were there for what seems like forever. Waiting for the go ahead I guess for me to be admitted to the hospital.

Something funny happen the lady next to me rejected the hospital they were sending her LOL. I actually saw her walk out of the place. LOL. I just heard her son say his mom don't want to go to that hospital and won't sign the paper. LOL.

Well since I like to torture myself and my mantra with this fucking cancer journey is - FUCK it, if I die, I DIE!! The same hospital the lady rejected…? That's the same hospital they're sending me. LOL. I was like watev. That hospital has some bad reputation so I don't blame her. But I like to live on the edge or probably I just want to die already but I don't know why I keep living DAMN IT!

anyway forever hrs later…. the ambulance took me to the hospital… it's technically day 2 by then. So…

Day 2. Saturday the 12th. I arrived in the hospital around 3am I think. What a welcome surprise. I had a private room. The nurse was really nice. Hook me up with IV. Draw some more blood. Infectious Dr. seen me, Checked my boils. While I was there, I was hooked with magnesium, endless saline, the rotating nurses if they feel like it put ointment on my boils. They're supposed to put it twice a day but of course!! —- they only put it once a day!! LOL. I also was given potassium and D3 pills to take.

Day 3. Sunday the 13th. I had a blood transfusion. While there my hemoglobin went down 6.9 well I fucking wonder why? Maybe because they draw blood on me like I don't know 5 times a day? SHIT! I had 1 unit of blood transfusion. At least I finally know what my blood type is. LOL.

This is also my first ever transfusion. Anyway my nurse that day say if I have fever, headache, pain anything during transfusion to tell her - fortunately I had no issue at all.

Day 4. Monday the 14th. I was feeling restless already. I mean I felt better without a shadow of a doubt. I tell whoever comes to my room nurse, aide, DR., please can I go home today? Anyway I finally was released from the IV so I can walk around my room I was pacing up and down feeling restless wanting to go home then BAM! who walked into my room? My torturer!!! my good for nothing onco!! LOL. I was like WHOA! what u doing here? She was like right? 7 am in the morning… In my mind - I was like bitch OK… so? Anyway she was there to see my boil ok so I showed it to her. And because she is a sadist she asks if I also have mouth sores. Bitch must be really disappointed when I told her NO! LOL.

Anyway this same bitch that told me if my hemoglobin of 8 comes down to 7 then she will order a transfusion. But when I told her I have transfusion coz my hemoglobin went down 6.9 she said if it was her she won't do it. AHAHAHAHAHAAH what a fucking clown this bitch is! Whatever. I did call my sister who is a Dr. if I should have transfusion she told me the same thing. I think it really is protocol that when your hemoglobin goes down to 7 they will order transfusion. So of course I followed my sister's advice.

But anyway I finally was released. Holy shit. I finally am free. All I can say I made the right decision. Not even going to say anything about my infection but to say it's still there but it's not aggravating me anymore. I still have to do extra shit for it. But it's looking good. Well at least anyone who check on it say so. sooooo OK, I guess.

But the most I am glad about is that I have energy again. In fact today I did some household chores, did some dancing, did some exercising, I feel good again!!!! I decided to do something about this fucking infection because my surgery is next month and I want this infection cleared before my surgery! I am not even going to say anything anymore about that. Just hopefully that the surgery finally happens. Another first for me. So Ugh. I want the science part of this cancer journey to be over already because all science do was wreck my body. Ya my hospital stay did work but… ugh I just want this to be over already. Although I know it will only be over when I am dead.

So SHIT!

Thanks. My journal obviously are all what I believe, my conviction. It does not necessarily mean the truth for everyone. It is the truth for ME. And that's OK.

From what I gather on your posts that I read. It seems you were one of the fortunate ones who handle your cancer journey really well and live with it for a long time now. And I can only hope the same for me…. or probably not, LOL depends if it's a living nightmare like I have experienced so far then I'd rather not. Pffft.

This is more like a rant. Apologies in advance. When it rains, it pours. My sister is also dealt with personal problem aside from battling this EVIL disease. It does not help that I really believe (speaking for only myself) that these cancer 'treatments' is really more like for profit MORE than really healing and helping cancer patients.

My shitty insurance had the audacity to let me know they will only cover half of my medical bills. Add to that, my husband totalled his car. Fortunately he is ok. Unfortunately we are now down to 1 car and now I have to worry NOT only about this freaking incurable disease but also about the finances AND now my transportation for my appointments.

My sister does drive me to some of my appointments but not all. It's just one problem after another for me. It's like what the hell did I do to deserve all this?

I believe in karma but I honestly am trying to think what I did in my life to have all these piled up on me one after another?

Then, I think I have a lymph node swollen on my left underarm. And my cancer is in my right breast. I did have multiple 'benign' cysts on my left breast.

I honestly can't believe this is happening to me right now. UNREAL. Truly a living nightmare hell I can't wake up from.

Yes. I feel good after my hospital stay. Yes I really think my infection is healed. I had a nasal swab before I left the hospital for MRSA test. I just seen the result and thank God, it's negative. But now I am dreading the hospital bills and the ambulance bill. Oh God like WHY?

I searched for financial assistance on this site but I don't see anything?

Thanks so much, exbrnxgrl. Am I supposed to search this here:

Video: Paying for Breast Cancer Care: Advice and Personal Stories

I did search financial assistance in search bar but I don't see anything useful.

Thanks appreciate you, exbrnxgrl.

Still alive. Fortunately or unfortunately(?).

Today is my surgery day.

Started my day at 3:30 am this morning. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. My last meal was at 7pm last night, My last drink was a glass of water at 4 am this morning. It was protocol to test females with pregnancy test. Even me at 52 yrs old, perimenopausal? LOL. So I was asked to pee in a cup. Well, since they don't want you to drink as much before surgery. My pee in the cup was almost non existent. LOL.

The plastic surgeon came in and drew with sharpie on my surgery site to mark where they open me I guess. Several people came in including my breast surgeon and the anesthesiologist and their assistants. My fave part was when I told the anesthesiologist assistants that I am just excited to have the Michael Jackson experience LOL. Because they use propofol to put me to sleep and boy did they really do.

My last recollection is me being wheeled to the OR. I did not even see my OR room I was knocked out REAL good. The next time I was half conscious I just heard someone asking me if I am in pain I said no.

Then when I was semi conscious I am back at the observation room. Again I was asked if I'm in pain I said yes this time and they gave me tylenol and a shot of heparin.

Then when my husband came in the room, a few minutes later, I was ready to go. Thank God I don't feel nauseous, no pain, I felt a sore throat at first because they put a tube in my throat while I was in the OR but after I took tylenol the sore throat is gone! Allelujah!

The most Allelujah of it all - I HAVE NO DRAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY! thank you LORD!!!

Now tomorrow …. I wonder if I will feel any pain….. I hope not.

Oh I had lumpectomy with sentinel lymph node removal on my right breast - the cancer breast and breast lift on my left for asymmetry purpose.

Thank you. Appreciate you. I wish you well in your cancer journey as well. The up and down roller coaster ride of this disease sure is ….. exhausting. A never fun ride. For sure. More like scary.

And that's why I don't want to look at my boobies…. too late!!!

I looked down on my breast while showering today. SHIT! There's swelling on both. UGH. The left one has more swelling but both breasts was swelling near the armpit side. Left nipple also is swelling a bit.

Fortunately there's no redness or bruises. Although there is some darkening below the breast right at the center.

And I almost thought, my lumpectomy is a success. Hopefully this is not something serious but just a 'normal' swelling after surgery.

I probably just use the wrong word, LOL. I, in fact, along with my husband think my surgery was a success mainly coz I was knocked out from the go. I was unconscious the moment I was wheeled out of the prep/observation room. And that was EXACTLY how I wanted it. They told me what they injected me before they wheeled me out but I forgot, but damn, now I wonder what drug that was. Coz I was knocked unconscious right away. LOL. And I don't even see when they used propofol on me. It definitely was not propofol because it is clear not milky. Oh well.

Oh well I guess I found out what cause that 'injury' in my scalp. I think it's the knitted hat/cap I was wearing. I got that from my infusion place. They were giving it away. I guess I won't be wearing it for awhile, hopefully my hair comes back. It's definitely not growing as fast as I want it.

I do feel like the knit is snagging the few hairs I have. Anyway…. I got my compression socks. Not sure if it's the reason that I don't wake up with my hands kind of sore anymore. I guess I am right in buying it. I mainly bought it coz I am kinda developing varicose veins it's scary. IN my left leg, it's really bulging on my last infusion. UGH. The socks also helps with tingling in my feet, hands and legs. As it should be.

My sore throat every morning from the intubation is also gone. I just started gargling with baking soda salt water. Allelujah. Natural remedy FTW!! ALWAYS!

My post plastic surgery appointment is today. I will update this later….or not. LOL.

So, a couple days ago, I just found out the sentinel node stitch below my armpit. It does not seem that they bandage it or put a tape or glue over the stitch. Anyway, so I searched where the 'normal' stitch location is for sentinel node removal. It seems to vary. I seen on the armpit, I seen by the breast but that one I think is if you have mastectomy. I have not seen a stitch location where mine is, the only thing I can think of that my surgeon decided this location is so it won't be visible even when I am wearing sleeveless? But that's it. IF wearing a bathing suit which I don't think I will ever do for the rest of my life now, it will be visible.

I am just saying this coz I think this will definitely leave an ugly scar. The stitch looks ugly. LOL. I guess I have to ask her on my next appointment when I can use the silicone tape which I already bought, I also have a bio oil - that one I have for ages now, I hope it still works good. LOL. I also bought petroleum jelly with vitamin E so I will ask my surgeon if I can use either of the 3 for my scars/stitches and how soon.

As for my breast stiches/scars. I believe the plastic surgeon did the lollipop method. They only put tape on both nipples. The downward stitch on both breasts weren't covered just like the sentinel node stitch. So ya the lollipop stitch or even the nipple stitch possibly will leave scars. OH well.

Speaking of stitch, I notice now there's a stitch where they possibly took a chunk of my skin off with the tumor. That one I am happy about. I barely notice the stitch and I honestly thought the surgeon change her mind on taking my skin off.

Now - if only I will worry about fugly scars on this lifetime living nightmare hell of a cancer journey. But alas… nope. Moment of truth will happen on my next onco appointment. Still don't know what meds she's going to put me in this time, will I have a radiation?

Then on my recent PCP appointment, I had an impromptu pap smear. My first ever. Still waiting for the result on that. She said, if she does not contact me then that means it's all good….. I hope so. She also wanted me to do a colonoscopy next - again my first ever. But she wanted me to ask my onco first. I probably will ask my surgeon too about it. Since as far as I know you have to lie sideways for colonoscopy and I have not lie sideways since I got my chemo port surgery. And I prefer to sleep on my side. UGH.