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Topic: Dating after divorce and double mastectomy

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Apr 20, 2020 08:06AM

mom3band1g wrote:

This topic just makes me cry. My mastectomy was 10 years ago and I still hate it. I want my breasts back. I am divorced after 20+ years of marriage. I am 100% fine with the divorce and am happier now than I’ve been in a very long time. I want to date and I’d like very much to have sex again! How how how can I ever be intimate with someone with all these scars on my body? If I hate it how can anyone look past them? How do you even tell someone? I just can’t even begin to imagine how this is going to be ok with any man. I just turned 50 a few weeks ago. Why would someone want to be with a disfigured person when there are so many woman out there who are ‘whole’. I have been looking at bras online for something that’s pretty and will never come off. I’m not even dating anyone and I’m freaked out by just the possibility. My chest needs to be redone but I cannot afford it and won’t be able to for a very long time. I’ve done 2 of the 3 steps needed to redo them but the actual replacement of implants .... I can’t afford. So I’m stuck looking like I do. I never thought I’d be here or that I would still hate them. Single and dating women please tell me there are kind and accepting men out there. I really want to share my life with someone....eventually

lumpectomy 2/10/10 bi-lat mx 3/25/10 rads completed 7/10! Dx 1/19/2010, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, ER+/PR+
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May 29, 2020 12:33AM KARW41 wrote:

I don't see a response to this and wanted to answer it despite having no clear answer.

I am getting a double mastectomy likely the first week of July. I'm 50 but I got divorced at age 30 and I don't really date now, by choice, and had just two intimate partners, since the marriage.

I came to this forum section to try to learn or prepare myself for how people approach dating after or with breast cancer, since at some point, that's going to come up for me, too.

My only thought is, however cliched it sounds, that I would want to be friends with the person first and get to know them and their level of compassion, as a key trait needed for me.

I've had an abusive spouse and boyfriend and so my bottom line would be that if I try to get to know the person somehow, maybe through shared interests and activities, perhaps there is a way to reach a deeper understanding of what love and compassion are, instead of finding someone looking for a "perfect" piece of anatomy or a Barbie Doll.

I read some posts elsewhere online in which women experienced rejection after mastectomies and they learned to quickly assess men in the dating pool, to see if they would be able to handle it, or not.

I'm not getting reconstruction at all, unless I change my mind later, and I also know that I won't be able to afford implants or to maintain them either. I'm going completely flat and am going to try to focus on being active (hopefully) again and meeting people through hiking etc. I'm not a big dater now, but I am sensing I'll probably get some psychological counseling to help me adjust before I even think about getting out there.



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May 30, 2020 09:35PM - edited May 30, 2020 09:36PM by wallycat

One of our gals (she has a breastfree website) had a mother in law that had a bmx; she was widowed...met an amazing man who accepted her "as is" and they found love together. Is it rare? who knows because I think it's only "recently" that topics like these were even discussed.

My husband has accepted me "as is" and he is a good, kind man. As we get older, there are many of us who have issues..men and women and I bet there are a lot of guys with ED or prostate stuff or who knows and worry they won't meet someone understanding.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but I am sure finding your passion and just like KARW posted, finding similar interests and becoming friends is helpful.

When I was "hot" and young and had (dare I say it) amazing 38D boobs, it was easy to get noticed but still not easy to find someone caring and loving and kind.


Dx 4/07 1 month before turning 50; ILC 1.8cm, ER+/PR+, HER2 neg., Stage 1, Grade 2, 0/5 nodes. Onco score 20, Bilateral Mast., tamoxifen 3-1/2 years, arimidex-completed 4/20/2012
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May 31, 2020 08:02AM xxyzed wrote:

I have had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. I am also widowed and feel that I am almost ready to date again. I am happy enough with how my chest looks. It is the big Buddha belly I have an issue with. I figure the right person will be able to deal with it and it will just be yet another difficult conversation with the possibility of rejection that will need to be had. It hasn’t seemed to be an issue for friends seeking benefits which I have politely declined as not my thing so hope it is not an issue for any future relationship now I am feeling open to the possibility.
Dx 5/17/2016, DCIS/IDC, Left, 1cm, Grade 3, HER2+ (IHC) Surgery 5/31/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Dx 6/9/2016, DCIS/IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IIIC, Grade 2, 20/20 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ (DUAL) Chemotherapy 7/7/2016 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 11/20/2016 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Surgery 9/26/2017 Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy Nerlynx

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