Best Of

AJ. I'm with you. Not afraid of dying but yes afraid of pain. I've had enough already. I'm amazed how much some people suffer. Yuk.

Death and dying fascinates me in a weird way. The whole heaven and hell thing and a ton of other thoughts come to mind.

Sondra, welcome to Wisconsin even if only for vacation.

I have my MRI today at 830. Not eating before the test as it takes me a couple of hours to want breakfast, also not fussing with myself too much either, just get the test, wait for the PT pick up which I set for 1030. If I get out early enough, might get a breakfast sandwich while waiting, I will see.

I slept pretty well, usually my body keeps me in light sleeping mode but this time, it did pretty well. Chores and main food can be done when I get home. Still have quite a bit of the mexican rice I made yesterday so will do something with that throughout the day, eating through a lot of beans and lentils. Probably add hashbrowns to some eggs for a potato vibe. Freezer does close on its own, I am gradually whittling down and once finished, will definitely prioritize what goes in. Fridge looks better too. I am glad.

I do hope everyone has a good day and in pockets for everyone who needs me.

when my DH had bypass surgery my son asked me if I was afraid to die. I told him I wasn’t afraid to be dead but was afraid it would be icky and hurt. I’m not worried about afterwards.

@intolight That is also what I understand from Shannen Doherty’s BC timeline. I’ll only add that according to some of her statements and the few podcasts that I’ve listened to, she also had a most recent biopsy that showed a change, which she stated “gave her more options”. With her being ER+ previously, I take it that she was now considered HER low. She mentioned a new miracle drug for her brain mets, I think she was referring to Enhertu.

Cookie, I did see a couple of trash compactors, very expensive for me but good idea. There is a manual one so can look into that and what is involved.

Candy, although hearing about others passing with cancer is sad for me, I find that for myself, I cannot allow myself to give too much thought to my own situation. In the back of my head, I know that I am terminal, I have DB and SIL who I don't think they think I will die anytime soon. I don't bother to remind them. I am just going to keep getting MRI, CT and echo. Dr app't every couple of months and my brain has learned to shut the cancer worry down for me. I do worry alot about everyday things so I think my brain has just learned to put cancer in the back ground. I am an anxious person as well so have to really work on internal dialogue to send worrying thoughts away or mentally play a song to distract. Otherwise the internal head bleed would drive me insane along with fear of brain mets or further loss of balance.

AH the old onc trick of ordering a range of labs when you complain about fatigue in order to looked like they have control over that. Look, in winter my B12 goes wonky every year, or vit D, thr latest was Folic Acid which meant another pill. I get my thyroid tested quarterly too. Meanwhile the anti depressant to help me sleep means I can't wake up and thr lymphadema means I get tired lugging my leg around and thats before we get to the actual chemo. I know they want us to have quality of life and live like its a drug commercial, but its not happening. Frankly lets fix whats wrong then worry if I've got energy! Also, I stopped taking the folic acid a few weeks ago when the c diff popped up because I couldn't deal with one more pill on a daily basis. Not sure if they've noticed yet!

Had a massive craving for hot fried food show up last night (onion rings) but was watching my cooking show tonight and oh man hot spring rolls! Sent hubs around the corner to the Chinese for two and they were super hot, homemade, and crispy but not greasy. Just perfect (maybe a bit salty but that could be my wonky palate). I may score those onion rings Monday after chemo and a super super long day of tests and treatment.

Covid I think I had 6 vaccines and then I'd finally had enough and figure ill get it with flu shot and call it good. I'll take care to sanitize hands and mask up on our trip, though. I'd prefer not to have a family party, and my counts are strong, but I'm not sure how mom will pass that off to everyone, some tricky relationships in there. Small enough family that we could maybe do just a home visit rather than a party. My cousins are all too boring anyway and my siblings aren't near.

Otherwise trucking along just bored even with things to do.

Sunday Edit - Ohhhh I am crushed CRUSHED by Shannen Doherty passing. Catching up on her fight and seeing her still traveling late last year, starting a podcast, it really made me feel hopeful, even after she got the brain mets. I agree with you Mara about the whole 'lost her fight' - hell, she was living it up to the maxx this last year with that big trip to Italy and still fighting her ex-husband over medical payments or whatever. She was a fighter in a lot of ways, but she never lost to MBC. Brenda Walsh 4 ever!

This cancer crap continues to bombard us. May we all have just one day of peace🙏🏻

Mara, the phrase "smart as a bucket of apples" also cracked me up! In addition to the "burns my biscuits" phrase, you all are an excellent source for new hilarious idioms! I do say the phrase, "rats, cats, and bats" when I'm trying not to curse, but sometimes the good old f-word just works best.

Is anyone else as put off by Marie Osmond's TV ad? She says, "You know what sucks? Getting old!" She then goes on to hawk some supplements.

I'd love to send her a message saying, "Getting old does NOT suck! Dying young sucks! Not growing old because cancer is killing you sucks!" OK, rant over.

I woke up in pain last night. Breastbone hurt so much I couldn't get a breath. Now it's my upper back that hurts. O2 sats are OK, and, of course, I Googled pneumonitis last night. I don't think that's what's going on, but this hurts.

I’m not really afraid of death, I’m afraid of pain.