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This never gets easier. I'm glad Emac shared the picture of her as a rodeo queen. It makes it easier to imagine her as restored and healthy, riding into that great rodeo in the sky. I feel so sad tonight.

Dear sweet emac, I pray you are in your eternal garden now. You will not be forgotten by those of us who love and care for you. 💔

I am thinking of Emac and how kind she was and the struggles she had. She is at peace after enduring much difficulty. 💔

It has come to my unfortunate attention that our sweet sister Emac has passed away on June 4th. I know we’ve all been wondering about her and many have been posting about it. Someone very kind took the time to let me know she had been aware of her passing. I’m sick. She was one of our sweet sisters here and I feel devastated for such a waste of a beautiful woman. I am sending love out to her friends and family. I guess we can only say we are glad she’s not suffering anymore and no longer has cancer to fight. Rest in peace sweet friend.

Hello All - I've had a hard time keeping up this last week due to anxiety over this liver issue, etc. I know many have directed some comments to me, and I thank you very much. I'm not necessarily commenting back, because I lost track a bit, but I do read and appreciate everything. I also read about others' struggles and wish everyone well. I've been following the disability stories. Wow, what a mess! I would think that just being stage 4 would be enough to qualify.

I got my fulvestrant shots last Wednesday and then on Thursday had the MRI for my liver (with contrast). Between the shots and the MRI procedure, I've been absolutely exhausted for the last few days. Slightly better this morning, so trying to catch up here a bit. MRI results came in yesterday afternoon to MyChart and my reading of the report says that this radiologist too, saw what he called "multiple metastases" on my liver, just like the CT reading radiologist did. He did note that the size was the same as it was in March, and not as large as the CT seemed to show last week, but that was about the only difference. What I don't understand is this is also what they saw in March on the CT, but were still not calling it metastases. For the last couple of years or more they have referred to stable "lesions" on my liver; one being a cyst, another being a likely hemangioma, and then others "too small to characterize". Well, now they're still indicating a cyst, but calling everything else a "metastases" and I don't quite know why. If it's all stayed about the same size that it has been for a long time, why is it suddenly unconditionally "metastases" in need of more immediate treatment? I also saw where this MRI radiologist said that everything on my liver was "stable", so again, I'm not sure why all the new concern and thoughts about sending me for radioembolization.

I'm sure my oncologist will have more to add to this that is meaningful for sure, but I won't be seeing him again until the first week of July. The stress and fatigue that all of this brings on is unbelievable! Thank you all for being here so I can sound off to people and not feel all alone!

@candy-678 Go ahead and have your pity party…you have earned it and we all commiserate with it! Yes I long to be "normal" and to enjoy my retirement that I worked so hard to earn. My son and his family will be here next week and I so badly want to feel good and enjoy the side trips with my three grandsons. That is my pity party for the day! Thanks for letting me join yours.

@sondraf I hate fighting my thin hair everyday as my hairdresser cut it way too short this time. It sticks up because it is so dry and I am not the spikey type…perhaps I should try it though! It is too hot for wigs and scarves…ugh!

I had a mini pity party this morning. I cried. I just want to be healthy again. To be a healthy 54 year old. To come home from a full-time job, manage my homelife, be active in church. Be normal. Not receive a disability check. Not even have to think about the suggestion of going back out in the workforce part time while managing side effects. Not be exhausted all the time. Not feel useless as an unemployed person collecting a Government check.

I know I have to make the best out of the situation I am in. My pity party didn't last long. But I had to post that I did have that pity party.

I/we did not ask for this diagnosis. And if given the choice, we would not have chosen this way of life.

I hope you can enjoy your weekend. I am going to do laundry, read and watch TV, and go to church on Sunday. And be grateful that the cancer is quiet, for now at least. Things can always be worse…. and will be at some point.

Welp, my hair is gone! I had it shaved yesterday and oh man what a relief. Honestly, it had to go, there was maybe 50% left and not in a good way, it was pretty much a paramilitary undercut look at that point with the sides bald and a little cap of hair on top. What was I going to do with that?! Mentally I feel so so much better and its a weight off my shoulders - feel much cleaner and in control. And my new beanies come today!

Im debating whether or not to spend quite a bit of money to get some fake hair in place for the next year - Id like to go back to work in the fall in some way and I dont want to be wearing hats/scarves as Im not out about my diagnosis. Also, visiting family who dont know either is going to be a challenge as I have a nosy aunt although my uncle with alopecia would be delighted to have a bald twins photo taken as a laugh. Perhaps for this first round of hairloss it will make sense, something to think about over the weekend as I practice with scarves and see if that is something I want to deal with day to day.

We went for lunch yesterday after my hair system + shave appointments and it was so nice to do something normal together for the first time in forever. The sushi place was delicious, too bad the train broke down one stop from home which kinda ruined the day. I guess I got more steps in and actual stairs, but with low Hgb and feeling exhausted from walking and dealing with the lymphadema leg, it was not fun to have to get off that train and find an Uber to go a whole mile. There may have been crying and cursing Sadiq Khan and Transport for London but its not like anyone stares at you in this town - could have been in my own bubble for all anyone cared lol.

I love Jeopardy! also, alas we cannot get it on tv here. About 9 months after I was diagnosed I had a dream where Alex Trebek visited me and was holding my hand, sitting on the side of the bed. I asked him - 'does it hurt, dying?' and he said not really, smiled, and promised to come back when it was my time to go. Im holding him to that promise, damnit!

Hope everyone manages a nice weekend, we may actually have some sun and summer here. And its the big Euro football championships, so something to watch at least while I have Lymphadema Leg elevated. Yesterday wiped me out good!

Candy - we all deserve our own pity party but you know what I see after almost 5 years here? Despite all the 💩 that is thrown at us, we are incredibly resilient women and after our pity party, we pick ourselves up and face the reality. I’ve seen every single one of us do just that. This living room (of Mel’s design) is where we can let it all out and then breathe a deep sigh of relief, knowing that we are not alone. The support here is priceless. You are all the sisters I never knew I had!