Illinois ladies facing bc
Comments
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Good soggy pouring morning all,
Great to hear from you Kater. Hope things keep getting better and better now for you. Those colonoscopys are not too much fun or I should say the beforehand preps which leave you clean as a whistle...I had my first one after my cancer diagnosis. No hurry to have another.
Sounds like the North is not getting our drastic amts. of water. It will rain from the sound of it most of the day here. It rained of course, all yesterday and through the night. One dry day in-between and then we start more of it. The farmers are not going to be happy people.
Well, need to get ready for work.
See ya'll later.
Jackie
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OK....what the heck is up with this weather? Was 62 when I left for exercise...now it's 46???????? Yuck.Laura...did you by any chance have on your "fake boob" t-shirt as well? Looking forward to seeing the article.....
Jackie....flooding? We had some rain, but nothing like that.
Kater....glad you did ok with the port removal and colonoscopy. I am 5 years past when I should have had my first one, and I will do it in the fall. I think. Maybe.
Rita...thanks for raising that money! Yeah....that crying bit....happens to me all the time. Sure is strange how it starts, and then stops....no real reason needed.
Kats....glad to see you back, even if only to.....CELEBRATE YOUR FIVE YEAR SURVIVORSHIP!!!!! You go girl!!!!!! I am soooo happy for you! Go out and dance in the streets naked!!!!!! (and send a pic, please!)
Blackjack...how are you feeling? How's Mom?
Sharon....how are things in your neck of the woods? Staying out of the line of fire I hope! Hopefully we can see you again in August when you are back.
Julie....glad you joined our list! This way we can send you lots of stuff to clutter up your mailbox
Becky.....how are you? Need anything?
Sabrina....where fore art thou? (did I spell that right?)
Connie....have FUN,FUN,FUN in Florida and don't forget to slather on that sunscreen.
Just a personal note....got more hair cut off the back so it would lay better...and....I love it?!!!!?? I am so surprised. I really don't think I am going back to long hair. This just seems to suit me. And she took out most of the highlights and just left a few. I actually smiled at the mirror this morning, which hasn't happened...well...I don't remember when. Probably before November 2006. It's just nice to be at a place when you feel normal. Does that make sense? Well...according to NancyLa...the "new" normal anyway!
Calypso....MIA??? You are done with rads now....aren't you glad that you did it? You threw whatever you could at BC, and you kicked some serious cancer butt.
Leesa....you ok?
Time to get off my butt....have a great day!
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Hey guys...need some advice....
I am now 20 months and counting since i found my lump. I have thrown everything I can at it and have been moved to 6 months for every doctor, no scans needed.
I am so lost. i feel like I am standing at that proverbial staircase and I have run out of risers.....do I jump into my "new" life?
Susan...I know that you have had a hard time dealing with your dx...how have you managed to move beyond? How did you take that last step?
Is this normal? Do I jump? Jeepers....yep...I sat under my table this morning...how sad is that!
I'm thinking...it's just that...according to the professionals....I am OK. Just be vigilant. And how do you just get back to normal? Or is normal something that just doesn't come anymore? And this is normal? If one of you understands any of my gibberish...well...that would certainly help.
Julie,Becky....sorry if you had to read this. Just another crappy thing that happens with BC. Or I am just a wimpy little thing...but I don't think so!
Yes, Laura....my Z is a convertible....black on black on black...gorgeous. And I took it for a long ride Tuesday....and cried and cried while driving. Either I am moving past this crappy disease....or I NEED SOMEBODIES RX FOR ZOLOFT!!!!!!!!
Or then....just you guys telling me that this is all normal, and it will pass. And as just typing all these frickin" ( thank you Laura for that word...use it all the time now) words leads me to believe that...
this too shall pass.
thanks for reading this....hopefully back to sunny, happy Wendy tomorrow.
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Wendy....think you probably did one of the best things you could do for yourself--put it all on paper.
Way to go....course I'm no help for the 'real' questions you've presented. Still, you have put it out in the universe. I'm sure it's the best first step.
Do you know how much help you will be providing someone else ( like me ) just by being strong enough to put this out here now. No wonder every one feels like they do here. Just sit back, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and know your personal calvary is coming and will be there soon. You are so cared about.
Love,
Jackie
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Wendy,
I think many, if not most, of us go through just what you are describing. Many docs tell their patients that they may experience this "lost" feeling after tx ends. My DH, {bless his not so understanding heart} kept telling me that life is supposed to be carried on normally, even during tx. He said that means to never talk about bc except when you are at the doctor's office! That's why I needed the ladies here, and I was dx over two years ago. I think we all need to find our own new normals, because this experience changes us. I had days like you describe, but minus the convertible. Darn! Crying is such a good release, and there is evidence that women do better than men, because we are not afraid to show the emotion. I know I'm still working on my "new" normal, and that is somewhat disconcerting for me. Here I am, going to be 63 next week, and I'm still a work in progress!
Some others may come on soon, and be better able to say all this. Just know you are not crazy, and you are right....this too shall pass. You don't have to be sunny every day either. We all love you just the way you are!
Biggest hug to you, Pat
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Jackie,
I agree with you. Putting our feelings down on paper is such a good first step. Doing it here, on this thread is one of the best places for us to come. Such support and understanding....it saved my sanity. What was left of it, anyway.
I was warned by one of my docs that many experience meltdowns when tx is over. The medical community thinks it may be because tx is so intense, and we get used to being seen so often, that our fears grow when there is no more active tx to be done. The doc told me because I'm triple neg, and can't benefit from the hormonals. Anyway, at least I was prepared, but it did not keep the sad feeling from coming.
Had so much rain yesterday, but no flooding. On the bright side, the river is over its' banks, and we get a little pond way back in the yard. Cute ducks swimming around now! Only happens once or twice a year, and is so enjoyable!
Hoping your weather improves,
Pat
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Wendy, I just tried to call you and I will try again shortly. I could have written your last post! I have too many comments to put them all down so I will catch you later by phone.
Smerf and Jackie...just want you to know that I, too, have benefitted from your wise responses to Wendy's post. Thank you both!
Rita
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mastectomy vs lumpectomy
luncheon may 28
I was told and read that the survival rate is no better, it's faster to heal and less hard on body to have lumpectomy if that's the route the surgeon and 2nd opinion person suggests...mastectomies are hard on the body BUT many say they have really good peace of mind to just take them off, whether they have the bad genes or not in the family. (Brca 1 and 2 testing by myriad)
May 28 615 p.m., where?
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Wendy, I just read things, and of course we are all feeling for you! I think a meltdown is inevitable, no doubt that was what i was kind of what i was going through the past month -too much at one time...and for so long....
you did the right thing, comfort things like under the table, crying and driving... I turn to my cats, maybe even you took some time for some of your teddy bears! This is a great place to talk about it because we HEAR YA!
Now I'm going to try to be normal again...the "new normal" label, though is too complicated for my brain to comprehend...
Remember we love the bright star that you are! I agree, I'm not so much caring about the looks-- but I sure do like the low maintenance hair cuts!
Kater
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Kater, so good to hear from you again. You are correct that survival rate is the same if you qualify for lumpectomy. Some women don't want to deal with mammograms etc., so they choose mastectomy over lumpectomy. It is not possible to resect all breast tissue though, so we still would need watching.
I think we are at Maggiano's on the 28th. Is that right, Michelle?
Rita...I could go on with more comments too, but I am such a slow typer! I remember back last winter when Kater, and a few others attended a seminar about emotional aspects. I missed it due to a snowstorm, but was told by Kater that the speaker recommended journaling. I think we all do a bit of that here, and it is good for us. I jotted down notes about how I was feeling on my calendar, along with all the many medical appointments. Kater was kind enough to send me a copy of the speaker's book, and it is so helpful to use it. I also think I told kater about the book I had read, which you recently recommended on this thread. It was called After Breast Cancer, written by Hester Hill Schnipper. I think it is one of the best on the subject, and the author is a survivor, and a cancer therapist. Her husband is an oncologist, so they really live the subject, and I respect her ability to put it on paper.
Remember....tears are cleansing, and need to come sometimes.
Hope you both can come to dinner on the 28th. You have each helped me as I travel this neverending journey, and I would love to see you again.
Pat
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Kater's back and I am so GLAD.....it's so good to hear from you! :-)
As for the golf outing, I didn't raise the money....our golf leagues did. I wasn't in charge and was just one of the participants who golfed and contributed. I just had to tell you about it because everyone was so generous. I guess the evening league raised another $1,000.
Pat, I will look for that book in my search for the "new normal." Thanks again.
Rita
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O.K. Pat....dah! I love that book! For a minute I thought that you had found another "after breast cancer book." Chemo brain just continues, doesn't it?
Rita
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I thought you had mentioned that book sometime, but I haven't been able to read all posts lately. I'm planning to catch up soon, though. My bathroom demo starts next Wednesday, and I'm not sure if I want to leave work crew alone in the house, so I may have lots of time for the computer.
Chemo brain is so strange, isn't it? I mentioned that to my DH last night. I remember this date like it is seared into my brain. Two years ago today I had my last AC, and I'm hoping to forget it as part of my new normal. I was really sick all during May, and then improved on taxol starting in June. However, I went for groceries this week, {ugh} and bought everything except the one thing I needed most. That never used to happen, but now always does. I guess I should try making a list, right? But, I never did before, so I resist it now. Oh well, I do think it's improving over time.
How's your bathroom project coming? My DH is not so handy around the house, so he will be watching the progress along with me.
Pat
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Hey girls....got in my car and drove, all the way to Wisconsin...and just cried and cried. And now....it's all better. What started it all, and this is so strange, but maybe not - I got a haircut and I liked it. DH tried to explain it to me and for once, I think a man got it.
I was trying so hard to get back to my old self that I never realized that I was now a different person....and getting another haircut and liking short hair was just my next step in claiming the "new normal". And I first had to mourn what I've lost. I guess that doesn't make sense to some of you, but I am betting it makes sense to some of you. We lost a big part of ourselves, whether it be body parts or just (just???) our mortality and we try so hard to be everything to everybody that we never took the time to realize our loss...and we did lose a chunk.
I need to return some phone calls tomorrow (Rita, Blackjack) but I am just going to veg tonight. Who knew that a husband actually understood anything?????
Julie, Becky....you are just starting on this journey and I am so sorry that I had a meltdown. But maybe you learned that whatever you are feeling, it is what it is...and we understand. And we will be here for you. There is no where else on earth I could go and tell this cr** to...and everyone understands, and listens, and cares.
Love you guys! I think happy Wendy is back. Whew...long 24 hours!
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hi:
I am never going to be the role model for women who got on with their life after breast cancer. I am on Zoloft, and if you can do without it, great, as I eat less but I am gaining weight! It has helped me stay even. It took me a long time to process my dx as that is just how I am. I threw myself right back into work and literally took ten sick days for surgery, chemo, and rads. I never even had a long term sub....10 days! As a result, I never took the time I needed to pull together what happened. I think that is why I had my nightmares (they are getting fewer). Myself just needed to understand what happened and the only time I couldn't prevent it sneaking in was when I was asleep. I do not recommend that!
We all deal with the anxiety. It is just there and that cancer can never be removed as it happened. For me the hardest part is a loss of trust in my body. If my hip hurts, I think it is cancer. If my head feels funny, I think it is cancer. I sometimes have this awful feeling that it is inevitable that I will get it again and it is just a matter of time.
One little thing has helped me, and I am not sure where I heard it. And that is the thought, "I am 100% alive today." That gives me some direction on how I would like to use my day.
I actually have a terrible head cold and had to take the day off. It is so odd to feel sick. To think that we endured chemo and felt sick for days!
So sleep tight!
susan
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Smerf....yep, I remember dates! One year ago tomorrow I had my last chemo. Interesting what chemobrain lets us remember.....
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Home from work and I just re-read your post Wendy. I see that even in your anguish you were thinking ---- yes, even apologizing to Julie and Becky for any possible upset to them that might be caused. I noted it the first time I read it---- just couldn't get my head totally around it then, so no matter how torn up you may be, parts of you still reach out to heal another.
I think so many of you fantastic women are just like that. Most have learned from the best of teachers, our mothers, to be the guiding light of our family, the Rock of Gibralter, the soother and nurturer, the one who sees that all is right in the world for everyone else--even many of the extended family. But then one day we find, when least expected, something so precious and needful has been stolen from us. Something we have always guarded, our health. Something we thought would never happen. And we are changed forever -- not quite so whole anymore. We spent so many years making a life, building on all the good things and then got blindsided never seeing the danger.
I think it is understandable to feel adrift. Maybe even to challenge our capabilities because didn't we get a little complacent? Didn't the bogeyman sneak right up on us when we were busy living?
I think there are lots of questions to ask, lots of pains to have to feel yet, and yep....even a train load of tears. But we are all going to get there !!!! Even if we don't know for sure where THERE is. Because when I or Susan, or Wendy, or Rita, or Julie, or Sabrina, or Karin, or Laura or any of us may stumble, or even tumble the rallying cry will go out and here will rush Blackjack, Sharon, Kater, Kats, Pat and any number of us who would rather slide off the end of the earth than let you feel you might fail or lose your way. It's not going to happen because we won't let it....and we will do it for you because you will do it for us...just like you have been. We are going to find that new normal together. Can't say it will be easy cause I very much doubt it will, but I think we will look back and see maybe to our amazement that it was worth the agonies after all. You know, the new normal could end up making us much more than we were before--we don't know that yet. And have to remember ( at least for older broads like me ) change and new things are sometimes hard. The un-familiar can appear laden with possible failure. We will push on---we have to charter a ship and find a new route on the sea of our life. Having to do this alone with no one to really understand would so frighten me, but I am not alone and that gives me hope and inspiration and strength. Someone, you, or you or you, will dry my tears when they come and will cheer me when I stumble and help me up when I fall and we will find the way----because it is there, silently waiting discovery. And there is victory to be won and all are here to help you find yours Wendy.
Now little darlin' you just dry your tears, as I'm sure there is probably someone you should be nagging about something tomorrow........but if not, then just make room in your tent under the table for the rest of us. Just remember---"Cry all you want, you'll just have to pee less".
Jackie
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*****************
All stories copyright 2008 Bob Perks
Today's message:
"The moments we call ours"
By Bob PerksSometimes we need to hold on to things we might not see as
important at the time. These precious moments might not mean a thing
to others, but each of us should find value in little things. Not things we
hold in our hand, but things we should hold in our heart.Every time I see a sunrise, I'll tuck away the light
For I know there will be times ahead
when days won't seem so bright.Every time I hear some laughter, I'll turn my head to see
the smile that goes with it
I'll save a smile for me.Every time I smell a flower, I'll store a scent or two
and hold onto the memory
when remembering will do.For not all our days are sunny, nor filled with smiles and flowers.
That's then we need to look inside
for "the moments we call ours."
"I believe in you!"
Bob
I encourage you to share my stories but I do ask that you
keep my name and contact information with my work.If you would like to receive Bob's Inspirational
stories, please visit http://www.IWishYouEnough.com
and submit your email address.Sorry about the font thingys......I think there is a way to take them out, but I'm lucky I can get something like this here at all. It just seemed like I should include it. Hope ya'll don't mind.
Jackie
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Wendrew - Your Z is your therapy...you did the right thing. And it's awesome that you are facing this phase of your recovery in many good ways. You're enjoying the car you love, you're reaching out to friends, and you're aware of the roller coaster ride. I went through the same exact thing...This is a very common situation. You will get through this little hurdle. You hair sounds cute! I am so happy you're finally happy with it...it took some time...but you did it. Hope you have a great weekend. Keep on truckin'!
Susan - Hope you're feeling better soon.
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Oh Jackie and Susan....thank you so much for your words. And Jackie...you got me started crying again...but that's Ok...
I'll pee less tonight!!!!!
Cripes...but cancer sure sucks sometimes, doesn't it? I don't know where I would be without you guys.
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Wendy-Sorry for what you're going through now. It sure is a difficult thing. Cancer does suck. (PS-Next time you are travelling up RT 12 to Wisc, be sure to call me, I'd love to ride with you!)
I am having a difficult time as well. I feel like cancer was my wake up call, telling me that our time on this earth is limited. Now that I am done with my tx's, and even these past 6 months, I feel like I need to do something with my life before time runs out. I am stressed because I don't know what that something is, or maybe I already have found it? I will keep searching, and in the meantime I will enjoy my days, the spring, the flowers, my dh and sons, my dogs, my friends, especially all of you. I tend to be more quiet when I'm stressed/ searching, so I apologize if I don't post more often. Your posts have helped me alot though.
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Good Evening Ladies..
I see we are having a pity party..do we need kleenex or maybe some great cosmo's and the beach.. I vote for the beach party!! lol
Wendy..we are all here for you and what you are feeling is rebirth in yourself. The new and fantastic you is emerging from within. You were taken over by bc and came through it as the tough Illinois Gal that you are. You have a beautiful soul and great smile that we all love. It is ok to cry and be angry..You know I was like that and now I am ok because of you. So here are really big hugs to you..sorry I have no pic skills to cheer you up ..so tops down fist up to you and you go girl!!!!!!!!
Jackie..you have spoken wonderful words of wisdom that we all can learn from. Each and everyone of us has had different bc experiences which we all share and learn from each other. Your daily quotes are very inspirational for all and thank you for them. I learn so much from reading them and I look forward to them every day. Hugs to you.. when do you start rads..soon.
Laura..you are the news girl. Did your story come out in the paper yet. Let us know so we can get autograph copies from you lol...Vegas next week yeah!!!!!
Leesa..glad to hear that you are back and had a great time in Vegas . Chemo 2 hopefully will be easier for you.
Connie..have a great trip to Disney. Mikey is waiting for you..lol
Smerf..bathroom remodeling starting soon..you need meals on wheels during remodeling lol
Rita..are you coming to lunch bunch dinner at Maggiano's 5/28.
Hope you can make it.
Zap..are you counting the dates till school is out. June 3 for me yeah!!!
To everyone else I missed I hope you all have a great evening.
As for me still under the weather a bit ..need more tests done..may go for that hysterectomy. Thinking about it.
Time for jammies......Hugs to all of you Illinois Ladies !!!
Blackjack
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Hi my dear friends,
I've read your posts and am so inspired by your strenth and knowledge.
I've gone through the after treatment hell and couldn't put it in better words than you have. I felt like I was going through post traumatic stress disorder. I think there's a time when you say "Oh my God, I have been the cancer victim for the last two years...who am I now? it's all I've known, it's consumed me. Am I safe? Do I let my guard down? You'll find it gets easier every day, you're never the same, sky's are brighter, laughter is heartier, love is deeper, It all comes with time.
I had a great time in Vegas. I love vacations.
I love you all
Leesa
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Hey girls....DH has decided to play hooky today, and we are going to take a drive and stay over...maybe Wisconin, or Michigan. So I just had a few thoughts, and this is for all you- something Leesa said.
Post traumatic stress disorder. That's it! We went off to war, ill-prepared and unknowing what our fate would be, handed big guns that could kill (chemo???) and then told to shoot the enemy. And do everything you are told to do, no questions allowed. So we were good little privates and did what we were tolld. And then our tour was finished, and we went home. And were told...there you go, you have your life back. And we start looking and you know what? Our old life doesn't exist.....and here we sit, afraid to move forward as we can no longer see the enemy, yet we all know too well that she exists and she can unleash a new mortar attack at any time.
Is it any wonder we are all nuts? Is it any wonder that we aren't even more nuts? I'm glad that I am not alone, that it sounds like you've all had this happen. Now that I see the whole picture, I feel so much better. I can live with the unknown...I think I was trying to iignore it and you can't....just need to find a place in you head for it, and then box it up. It will always be there - it just won't take over your life anymore. And that is OK.
Well...I am off to who knows where....but I take all of you with me in my hearts. Nice to know that I am not the only crazy here!
Hey....crazy can be fun! It's the "new normal"!
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Wendy, when you get it, you get it. Sure sounded right to me and totally possible. What a sweet guy your married up to. Not only to know about your hair, but how perfect to choose today to play hookey---thankfully with you, and something that is a little out of the ordinary.
Do your next door neighbors know your nuts????
Hope you both have the time of your lives---you sure deserve it.
All the rest.......don't know about you but with all the heart wrenching of the last few hours....I'm waiting for Wendy's update on fun which I intend to vicariously enjoy.
I won't be able to look for a quote til' I get home today...running late so I wasn't able to get on my computer at home this a.m.
More rain today they say....sure hope not much. Sunny tomorrow which I'll be ready for....I need my sun.
Stay well.
Jackie
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Well, gals! It seems that most of us have been there again, doesn't it? Thank goodness we have each other...and what a wide range of wonderful personalities and gifts we have to offer each other!
Blackjack, add two more to the May 28th reservations. Mary Jane and I will be there! We are heading out in the morning to do a little shopping before we meet you gals for dinner at Maggio's. I am so excited about seeing all of you again and meeting those who I haven't yet met. How many resrvations do we have now? Come on ladies! There's no way I can get to these monthly gatherings every time, so if you're wavering, take the plunge and join us for the evening. :-) Besides, Mary Jane is a LONG time survivor and those of you who haven't met her are going to LOVE her!
Well, as usual, I have a host of errands to run and things to do around the house. It looks like it's going to be a pretty afternoon and I'm going to make my escape to the golf course if the weather holds.
Tomorrow is the big walk in Peoria and I will be walking for all of you. I know many of you are doing walks this weekend in the Chicago area and I will be thinking about you as get out there and experience what this is really all about.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. I hope you have a lovely day. My family is not coming in from Kentucky until next weekend so I will still have something to look forward to when Mother's Day is over. For those of you who have lost your Mom (like me), draw on your memories and love to get you through....
With Mother's Day looming and thoughts of my mom circulating through this chemo brain....and our new revelation that those of us who have finished treatment are now officially "deemed crazy", I want to close with a little story.
For many years I rode back and forth to school with a wonderful friend. Several years ago, her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and she was having trouble dealing with her mother's limitations. We were riding along and talking about how her mom was confined to a wheel chair and she looked at me and said, "They always say that you end up just like your mother. OMG, that means I'm going to be in a wheel chair and you're going to be pushing me and you'll be CRAZY!" How do you think she knew that I'd eventually end up crazy??????? LOL That little quip got us through the day. Both of our mothers are now gone, but I'm often reminded of her joking attempt to make that particular day a little easier.
Gotta get moving! Have a great weekend!!!!
Rita
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hi:
The head cold is more like a flu. I took comtrex, went to school, and then just gave up and went home. I feel awful. I promise I have the flu and NOT the cancer!
I will be iffy for the walk on Sunday. I will "nap" in my T-shirt, if I am not well enough to walk.
Yes, I am counting the days. I cannot wait for summer!
Susan
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Oh Susan...HUGS! Drink hot tea and eat chicken soup and rest, rest, rest! I hope you feel better SOON!!!
Rita
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Good morning,
Susan, get well.....I am so sorry your having to deal with this so close to Mom's Day as well as the end of your school year.
I'm getting there...mainly a little mouth ( dry ) and lips ( chapped ? ) things but I'm getting there.
We will have a little sun this morning, but seems most of the week-end is not going to be all that nice. I think it will be for the most part a working week-end which is ok with me.
I'm going to try to get my computer room cleaned and put together.
My BIL gave me a fancy desk and the sooner I get this room done the sooner I can get the new desk.
Hope you all have a great day and no rain for the week-end if possible.
See ya'll later.
Jackie
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Wishing a Happy Mothers Day to all!
You are all an inspiration to me.
Susan-Hope you feel better soon.
And thank you to all those walking this weekend for cancer research.
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