The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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AliceBastable - what a selfish sister! I am so sorry that she couldn't give you the support she should. It is always hard when you have to cut people out of your life for your own sanity.
7of9 - I love your name!
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MDRR, I love your attitude and I'm sure it's a wonderful influence in the world in ways you can't see as well as those you can.
But, what the hell is wrong with being a victim? I hate how people use that word as though it's something shameful! Being a victim means something was done to you or happened to you. No one should feel any guilt or shame for that! Let's save the shame for the victimizers!
Yes, people can respond to bad things that happen in lots of different ways, and some of them are probably more healthy or adaptive than others. You know what, who am I to judge?? The way I see it, my job as a friend/bystander is to give kindness and support to the person AS THEY ARE, whether its 'weak' or 'strong', or get out of the way. Not to go around judging people - to their faces! - whether they are being the right kind of brave or resilient or whatever.
WC3, that's hilarious. Also likely a public service to the world in its own way
MLAnne, ugh. What's with this strength stuff. I think you're right on that it's a person's way of getting out of a topic that *they* are not feeling 'strong' enough to actually engage with kindness and thoughtfulness. Sometimes strength means talking about something with friends! And sometimes the meaning of a friend is someone we don't have to be 'strong' with!
Mebmarj, I hate when people tell me that kind of thing. Like, I know me better than you know me. If I think that reading these boards and researching about breast cancer is helpful for me, then maybe it is? I'm a fully grown adult whose been taking care of myself for a while. It's insulting and infuriating to me when people do that. I tend to respond very politely but maybe I should get a little sharper.
7of9, that sucks
I'm sorry about this becoming a hard time of year and your mother in law. AliceBastable - I'm so sorry about your sister. I think you made a very wise decision.
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These posts have been great to read! The night of my bilateral mastectomy the night shift nurse was very frazzled and kept saying how busy they were. At one point I had asked her what my allowable range of motion was, since I wanted to move my arms to help myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. She replied "Well you should know...according to your records you had a bilateral mastectomy before." ?! Is it possible to have a bilateral mastectomy twice?! It was funny - and scary that this woman was in charge of my recovery! ha!
Another funny thing - about a week and a half after surgery my husband took me to a restaurant for breakfast. It was my first post-surgery outing. I had a seroma and my doctor had just flushed my left side with 50cc of saline so it was draining out of my surgical drain pretty fast. The drains were hidden in the inside pickets of my zip-up jacket. Realizing I should keep tabs on it, and without thinking, I just unzipped my fleece zip-up jacket, right there at the table, and started to look at the drain. All I had on was my surgical bra! My husband saw the bra and drain tubes and looked at me like I was nuts. ha! I quickly zipped right back up and went to the bathroom to check. After checking my drains at home for a week and a half I totally forgot what it was like to be in a public place! Luckily it wasn't crowded so I don't think anyone else saw. But it is funny to think about now.
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Kstinekd--It's amazing how quickly we can forget how to behave "in public" during this journey! And what crazy stuff become "normal" for us!
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So, in a previous post I think I was saying not all healthcare workers suck, and I will now add to that be your own best advocate.
April MRI- stated something in right lung and advised CT. May CT was “fine" and didn't note anything in lung but I will add that the diagnosis was history of breast cancer (not specific to look at right lung). Nov CT for my gut says hey there's a 2.6cm nodule right lung.
2 weeks ago: I called onc office to request review of images in case she wants further study for appt (which is this week Friday) Picked up disk of CT from May and hand delivered to front desk of gut dr office so they can also review. The docs practice at different facilities so, fingers crossed, 2 reviews and some confirmation or clarification of “fine" CT image of May versus Nov nodule.
Today I follow up with both offices. Nothing done on either end. The onc office says they will check and call me back. When they call back they say the newer CT at different facility should be compared to the old and the dr that ordered that study should request that. Huh? “I don't understand why no one has addressed this when my appt is Friday and I called 2 weeks ago." The medical assistant says says “sorry, I understand this is frustrating" and I replied “No, I really don't think you understand. First there is something on MRI in April, nothing on your May CT and then something 2.6cm just 6 months later and someone has done no follow up to have this reviewed when I called 2 weeks ago to have it done for my appointment on Friday. But thanks for looking into it."
I called gut dr office- they could'nt find the disk, don't know if it's been reviewed and he is out til the 15th. Will let me know if I need to get another disk or if they will request it. The assistant was genuinely frustrated for me, as she was out of office when I dropped it off and is going to scour the office for it.
Received a call from onc office apologizing. They have requested that other facility do stat comparison and have the info for my appt on Friday.
And so I wait. If I hadn't done any follow up today, it wouldn't have been addressed.
BE YOUR OWN BES ADVOCATE.
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Cancer doesn’t take summer vacations or holidays off. You are right to be concerned mebmarj. MRIs are more sensitive and there is definitely something there in your lung. Do you have any symptoms? Coughimg, or shortness of breath? Reading that they can’t find your imaging is disturbing! Is it in the doctor’s desk drawer?? Very frustrating!
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Though I am stage 4 and on Xeloda, I still have a good quality of life working full time & a part-time job along with doing a lot of traveling while I can. Especially during the flu season like now, my MO just asks me to wear a mask when flying to help combat infection. Last night, I was flying home from seeing my niece & nephew on a Southwest flight where you pick your seat. I was an early A number, and the exit row was open; so, I sat in it, and immediately put on my mask. Another passenger (who apparently was also a flight attendant previously or for another airline) was turned around and talking to the flight attendant behind me. When I put on my mask, she shoots me a dirty look and asks if I was sick. I answered "no, I'm on chemo so I wear the mask to protect myself while flying" I often say something like that to my seat mates on a plane as well just so that they know I'm not sick or going to give them something. She started saying things like, "If you're on chemo, you shouldn't be sitting there; how could you open the door" The flight attendant behind me asked if I preboarded, and I said no, I'm perfectly capable of opening the door, you saw me just board and put my case up without a problem. The flight attendant left it at that, but the other lady kept going. I finally sort of blew up and said I'm perfectly fine, I still work full-time and just got back from a trip to South Africa, Nothing affects my ability to do this; I'm fine to sit here. She finally left me alone, but I was fuming. I have flown a lot over the last few years, and never has anyone been like that. I was also a bit frustrated that the flight attendant didn't stop her either. Something like that has always been my fear of wearing the mask (not a fear big enough to stop me from traveling, but still something I worried about). Anyway, just needed to vent!
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Mebmarj--unfortunately, we do have to be our own advocates far too often. I am so sorry you are going through this. If you get to the Friday appointment and the comparison has not been done (which would not surprise me) do not leave the exam room until it gets done. By occupying an exam room you are cutting in to the scheduling/patient flow/income generated and that gets the attention of the higher ups very quickly. Don't let them pressure you to wait in the waiting area where you can be "forgotten". Take someone with you to act as a witness and to provide support. You'd be surprised how quickly the results can be found and e-mailed back and forth and reviewed by a radiologist when someone is parking in an exam room and will not leave without answers.
Nbnotes--that lady was just rude. I can understand that someone would have questions about seeing someone wearing a mask, but there are courteous ways to find out what is going on.
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The stupidest comment I have gotten (which did not make me angry, because it was said in a spirt of dorky humor) was from my sister who said "if one of us was going to get cancer, we're lucky it was you, because you have a better face for no hair."
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santabarbarian:
I think I was voted among my sisters the best one to get cancer because I don't have a husband or kids and I am very low drama.
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Nbnotes - when the flight attendant asked “are you sick?”...and continued on as she did, you should have whipped the mask aside, blew her a blowy kiss, and said “actually I have a highly contagious disease that I can’t pronounce, or even spell!” That might have shut her down...or had her changing seats far away from you.
))End of the day, she was, as my family would say, ‘ ‘red rotten ignorant’..no idea where the ‘red’ comes in, but it seems appropriate for the situation.
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NBNotes - OMG! I can't believe that! I would never ask why someone is wearing a mask. I figure if you are conscientious enough to wear one, that's good enough for me. Shame on them both.Happy new Year!
Ann/Snickersmom
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Blowing a kiss may be a bad idea. She'd probably get tossed off the plane for that and get marched down the jetway by TSA agents!
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Yeah, the low drama one is best. For sure.
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I never think someone wearing a mask is sick just more susceptible to catching something for whatever reason. Normally people with a flu or bad head cold would not be wearing a mask.
Especially at airports people wear the masks see it all the time and think nothing of it.
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When I wear a mask, I just say, "I can't afford to get a cold right now" or "allergies." I live in an area where lots of people wear masks in the spring, so it's not remarkable.
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I've always assumed that anyone wearing a mask was doing so to protect themselves, rather than the other way around.
When I was near the end of chemo, I was out grocery shopping at Wal-Mart one day. I think it was between my 3rd & 4th dose dense taxol infusions, and I had done 4 dose dense AC infusions prior to that. It was obvious I was in chemo - I was bald, had no eyebrows or eyelashes, was bloated from the steroids, was wearing a mask, and just looked pale and unwell. Some idiot of a man came over, stood right behind me (close enough that I would have been annoyed even if I wasn't immuno-compromised) and started coughing over my shoulder! This wasn't a throat clearing cough, it was a nasty, chest congestion type of cough. When I turned and looked at him in disbelief (as did everyone else on the aisle) and said "Seriously?", he couldn't understand why I was annoyed. Some people are just oblivious to the world around them.
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I have two sisters who I haven't talked to in years. Short story they didn't like the fact my brother and I didn't back them when they wanted to commit our Mother. When I was diagnosed and going through the genetic testing I reached out to one of my sisters to let her know. Of course she responded with why did you reach out are you looking for sympathy from us? We believe this is karma for what you did. Ouch.
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wow, that's horrible
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Jenkins00, that’s way beyond ouch! I sadly also have a sister who lives close and really offers no support, I have not seen her in months. Long story but my view is she is sorely lacking in the empathy and compassion department and while I can’t change her behavior I can protect myself. I have forgiven her and actually feel sorry for her, what a way to live. Better to be open, vulnerable and loving. Sorry that happened to you
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I have one sister who is so terribly narcissistic and all the way through my treatment I didn't invite her to any part of it. I would have been taking care of her rather than her taking care of me. She recently let me know that it hurt her feelings that I left her out. Well Christmas eve I ended up with an infection in my mastectomy scare and she and my niece( her daughter )went to the emergency. She ended up getting angry and offended by something her daughter said, made a scene and then in turn became angry at me when I asked her to get it together because I wasn't up for it. She proved that my decision to keep her at arms length during treatment was a good idea.
I've been off this forum lately because I feel like I've been unsensitive on this forum and probably have said some dumb things....it's hard to really understand what this can be like.
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Rachelcarter35--you were right to keep your sister out of the loop during the treatment time. I don't recall anything you have posted that has been insensitive.We all process this kind of thing differently and this is a safe place to express our reactions.
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rachelcarter - your sister sounds like my mother which is exactly why I still haven’t told her
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First dumb thing said to me.
Background:
Recently I found out I lost my job. I have some funds due to liquidating some assets and can get by for a while, hopefully until I sort it out, if I delay paying some bills, but my CBCs are not quite recovered from chemotherapy, I am still healing from my new port placement, and I still have 8 months of targeted therapy and I have to get these TEs out of me so I have a new round of medical bills. Plus my insurance premiums were just raised by over $100 per month.
I have a relative, we will call them A. A and I had similar jobs but A works for a different sector with better pay and more hours as well. I'm limited in the jobs I can take due to a genetic condition which I have a difficult time getting accommodations for, whereas A is physically fit as far as I know.
Anyway, the other day my mom commented to me that "At least you have some funds. A has nothing."
OMG Mom! At least A has a job! At least A doesn't have a genetic condition! At least A doesn't have cancer!!!
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WC3--Holy the Cow, what a thing for your Mom to say!A my have "nothing" but she doesn't need anything, either!
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Reminds me of my Mom, when I complained to her that my sister, after my emergency surgery due to infected implants, all she messaged me was "can you buy such and such for me, my card doesn't work on that site, I'll pay you back later" (no how are you, no well wishes, nothin).
My Mom's response "you have to be understanding, she's working a lot".
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What is it with mothers being such enablers for the ones who are a pain? My sister has always been the insulting and verbally abusive one, but all I'd ever hear from Mom (after a litany of complaints from her about things my sister said) was "Now let's be careful what we say around her since she we know how she gets." Well, she'd get "that way" no matter what anyone else said!
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Today, I was working in the yard with my nearly-bald head not covered, and a neighbor stopped to say she'd been thinking about me. Which was fine. Then she said, "So are you through with treatments? I see you out walking so I know you're fighting tooth and nail. You're not going to let this beat you." I was flummoxed. I just said, "Well, I hope not." I mean seriously, does anyone willingly "let" cancer kill them?
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Haaaa your story reminded me of something. I love drying my laundry on the rope, especially the bedding, because it smells so much nicer than any dryer sheets. So first time after I had shaved my head during chemo, I headed out in the backyard to hang some laundry to dry. It was summer, of course I had used skeeter spray, and of course I didn't realize that I should have used some on my head too. I got back inside with my scalp covered in mosquito bites, fuming and cussin a storm, and all I was thinking was "You effin' mofos die from all the chemo drugs in my blood"
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seachain:
At the risk of sounding uncouth, shortly after one of my infusions I admit it, I peed in the shower. I could only stand to be out of bed for so long at that point in my chemo cycle so I was making the most of my time. Some of it didn't make it down the drain and I didn't have time to rinse the tub out before I had to get back in bed. When I was feeling better, I got back up and went in there to rinse the tub out but as I walked in, a housefly flew past me, landed in a spot of it, and promptly keeled over and died.
They weren't kidding when they said flush twice.
Edit: It occurred to me that I might have painted an inaccurate picture so I would like to make it clear that I was showering at the time.
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