The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Yikes Cherryi3, even if she doesn't have a home capable of hosting 40-50 for dinner, you'd think the least she could do is offer to come over to your place and have the rest of family handle all of the cooking, cleaning, setup if the tradition means that much to them. It's what Jesus would expect her to do (said with only a small touch of sarcasm). I'm appalled that anyone would expect you to be able to handle that kind of event this year. I'm sorry there are so many self-centered people in this world.
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It's such a fine line between wanting people to ask how we're doing, and having a pity party. I get a little upset that most family and friends never bring it up, but since I kept my initial approach when I broke the news kind of light-hearted, I may have brought that on myself. My sister asks occasionally, but in such a klunky way that it's worse than silence. I went to my son's church today (first time; I've only gone to two social events there last winter and I went today mostly for the music) and two well-meaning women WHO I DONT KNOW pounced on me to ask how I was doing and they were praying for me yada yada, all while I was looking slightly sideways so I could send a laser glare of death to the adult son with the big mouth. But then one couple at that church I've known for years (worked for him many years ago, and with her at my next job) came over and handled it perfectly: "Are you okay?" (Gave me time to respond that I'm okay), said "Sorry you're having such a rough year, we're thinking about you" then quickly changed the subject. They should give lessons on how to find the right balance.
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I don't really mind whether or not people ask about me concerning the cancer but my cousin had stage IV cancer and had a tendency to avoid or make herself scarce at family gatherings and I always thought it was because she didn't want to have conversations about the cancer.
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When I was received my most recent stage IV diagnosis, my former sister-in-law told me to keep positive and then said "yeah my friend was diagnosed with lymphoma. They gave her six months and her six months is up now and she's in hospice. I'm going in to see her. Her body is all out in lumps from the cancer". But keep positive.
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Cherry, tell your slither- in- law that her and Jesus can order Chinese take out.
I usually put on the big family brouhaha, do all the shopping, cleaning, decorating, cooking, baking, setting, serving, clearing and washing up. I do it but I do not enjoy it. Last year I was waiting on news if my late November mammo would show spreading or not. I was a wreck. I could not focus nor function. I had just daughter and one of her buddies over. We had grilled cheese sandwiches. GRILLED CHEESE! For Christmas dinner. Mind you, I got several different types of interesting bread and at least 4 types of cheese, so they were gourmet. But still, melted cheese between two slabs of bread. I find Christmas the most miserable time of year. I truly hate the expectations that get dumped on me. Last year, pulling the plug and saying no to everyone and everything except a frying pan and pancake flipper felt pretty liberating. (Mammo news came back hmmm, there is a thing, we are not certain about this thing, we are going to look again in 4 months. So not bad news, but not good news. It was a tense 4 months!)
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My experience as I thought I had the flu back in February and was having difficulty recovering from it and my oncologist began running all sorts of blood tests and ordered a colonoscopy/endoscopy I was told by family not to bother them with my problems luckily that was negative ran into a family friend he contacted this part of my family and I got asked what was wrong so I told them it wasn't good news. Said family member said she missed me and wanted to come and see me. She asked me for my couch as she could really use it and was looking at pictures on the wall. Wow, I am still alive. No offers of help but she did text me and told me about a book she was reading on Amazon and how it would cure our cancer as we all have it. Hmmm, I would really like to share it with her (Heavy Sarcasm!!) The only thing that book is going to do is to cause you to have a heart attack from high cholesterol/fat in your diet. I don't want to see her again because of this behavior. Jeez...Really makes you wonder about people and the greed factor.
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All I can do is laugh and shake my head as I read these. You guys gave me the courage to tell my Slither in law (love that haha)I'm sorry my cancer treatment interferes with your plans to feast at my expense. I shut it down pretty good so I thank you all for that! Now I have another good one along the lines of Blackcats amazon book:Ihad to tell my fitness instructor who fancies herself to be a big wellness guru (well she sort of is an amazing human specimen)about my health situation after my surgery. She literally jumped in and started “treating"me! Now THAT I find annoying as hell. I'm sorry but if you don't have my hormonal status, genome tests, scans and images OR an Md after your name I’m not listening
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WC3 your cousin was probably doing exactly that. I usually don't mind talking about my Stage IV dx, although I am blunt and honest about things and that shocks most people, but there are times when I really don't feel like dealing with it. It's emotionally draining especially when dealing with well-intentioned but ill-informed people, and I've found myself avoiding social situations when I don't feel up to dealing with it. It's one thing to have someone who really cares ask how you're doing, but it's another thing altogether when you have to deal with a group of people and chances are that at least one is going to say the wrong thing at some point and a few more people are going to give you the rah-rah speech that if you just stay positive and keep fighting you can somehow beat it despite the fact that there is no cure and it is going to kill you no matter what anyone wants to believe. I don't mind people asking and I sincerely appreciate their concern, I mind people who don't have a medical degree telling me what they think I should be doing under the guise of concern. I have a team of specialists on my side. If you really and truly care about me, don't ask me how I'm doing, ask me if there's anything I need help with (and mean it).
Sometimes we just want to feel normal and forget that we're dying of a cancer for a little while, and sometimes we don't have the emotional energy to deal with idiots. Best to ask a question that opens the door if they want to talk more, but respect their feelings if they don't at that time. Truth is, when someone asks me how I'm feeling, 99% of the time I'm going to tell them a happy lie that will make them feel better.
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Thank you all for your reactions and insights here... I can look at the weekend from various perspectives. Thanks a lot. I get the various points, but still can't help thinking that the closest family I have could at least say a sentence, a word, anything... maybe offer some minor help, I don't know... we adults were sitting for about 3 or 4 hours after my little kids went to sleep...and not a word.
oh well. ranting again. I have to deal with this, I know. It's still kind of new to me, this whole cancer world
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Hi JaBoo,
I totally get that it was weird to have your own family not say anything all those hours. Maybe they were afraid they would say something insensitive, and so just clammed up?
With other people, though, I feel ambiguous about having people ask how I am.
I'm going to a neighbor party in a couple weeks and frankly am horrified at the prospect of one person after another coming up and asking how I am. That sounds exhausting even thinking about it.
At the same time, if nobody ever had a kind word, like hope things are going ok for you, or thinking about you as you go through this, well that would be a sorry world too.
So here I'm the breast cancer patient and I can't make up my mind which I would prefer to hear: nothing or statements of care. Mostly I don't want to answer a lot of nosy questions from people and don't want to get terrible stories or bad medical advice. So far not too much of that, but it's mostly from being an introvert and retired and never going anywhere.
How do other people feel about being asked questions?
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It doesn’t bother me if people ask questions. No one I have shared my news with has stepped over the line so to speak. You can always cut them off or change the subject if they get too personal. Frankly other than asking how they are I wouldn’t know what else to say to a BC patient.
Diane
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Egregious, that's such a mental dilemma! Nobody wants a pity party, but having people ignore what we're going through is just as bad. I really like my ex-boss's quiet "Are you okay?" at a public gathering; it expressed concern without being nosy, and left it in my hands how to respond.
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Thank you ladies for all of the support. I love this thread and can sooo relate. And I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE that runor made grilled cheese sandwiches for Xmas eve! There is some serious I-don't-give-a _____ in that, that makes me want to CHEER.
I'm on my second go-round with cancer treatment. Two months ago I had surgery for a recurrence. Today a friend texted me about a diet I should try. Let me say that this person is very kind. We're not super close, yet I am fond of her. But this text, with a recommendation of foods to eat, recipes.....it just really ticked me off. Who is anyone to tell anyone what to eat? If I want advice, I will ask.
GRRRRRR. I am bald, I eat sugar, and I vote!
Sometimes I want to recommend this "cure" for people who give unsolicited advice. I want to ask if they have tried:
See you at the cabbage patch.
XO
Jojo
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Jojo, that is too funny! I’d like to send it to the (now former) Facebook friend who posted out the “2 week diet that cures all cancer!” She doesn’t even know about mine, but I could not hit the unfriend button fast enough!
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Omg beeline! Totally understand why you would unfriend her.
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Jojo, my family thought I had lost my mind. But I was in such a serious funk I was shuffling around here in a housecoat, bare feet and unwashed hair. When I get freaked out about my cancer situation I shut down and stop sleeping, stop eating, stop everything. Stop Christmas dinner, that's for damn sure! Sourdough grilled cheese with garlic cheddar and mozzarella, all golden toasted and ooey, gooey cheese. It wasn't half bad! To be honest, when I announced to my many guests that I was pulling the plug, they were all very gracious and understanding and it made me feel grateful that I could admit, freely, guys, I'm just not up to it this year, and they were all fine with that. I am lucky.
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JaBoo--I am so sorry you are feeling so emotionally wrung out. I don't understand your family not asking how you are. I could see them doing it quietly, so the focus of the day stayed on the birthday party, but to not ask at all? I can see how a weekend like that can drain you. Give yourself some extra time to rest, and have a good cry if you feel like it. Hugs.
Runor--I live the idea of grilled cheese sandwiches for Christmas with acouple of people! I detest Christmas shopping, so a few years ago I announced that I was not going to do any more Christmas presents, and I did not want to get Christmas presents as I have everything I need and don't need more clutter. Oddly, my family barely batted and eye. Mom still does the Christmas present shopping thing, but she has scaled back, so not so much junk. I enjoy the Christmas season so much more now that I can focus on being with people and not on the shopping thing. The questionable mammogram/recheck in X months thing has got to be just horrible. Horrible.
LOVE the Lettucing Pic!
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I love the grilled cheese for dinner!!! No reason not to like that! Plus my DH makes a great one, so I don't even have to go into the kitchen!
I get why people sometimes just don't know what to say or ask, so they don't do either and kind of ignore the situation. but it's so nice to just get a hug or a hey, how are you once in a while instead of pretending everything's just wonderful. I didn't have to have chemo or radiation so other than no boobs, I guess I look pretty much the same and I think people tend to forget. Plus let's face it, they are all thinking of their own issues. As for the questions - it doesn't bother me unless they go on and on. Usually they want to talk about their own problems anyway!
We announced two years ago that we were only giving to the 4 granddaughters for Christmas (ages 10-13). Well, that lasted one year, and so we are just doing gift cards for the 5 adults. I have repeatedly told them not to buy us anything, so now they usually give us airline cards, gas cards, etc. and that is really so much better, since they insist on giving us something.
I love the lettuce!! I can think of several in my life who should be wearing them!!
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This is a wonderful thread. There are some really funny postings here but also some that are heartbreaking in a way. My experiences with tactless remarks are not that dramatic -- I really limited who I told until after chemo treatment was over a year ago. I did get tired of people commenting on how much they liked my "short hair" when I was finally able to ditch the wig. I guess it was because the short hair was not my choice and was not even a "hair do" -- just what my body could come up with slowly months after chemo. I did have my husband tell his adult son who was coming to visit to refrain from mentioning my hair. Worked great! The worst for me was in 2000 when I had cancer for the first time and told my sister who lived out of town and she said - "Well don't tell anyone else because breast cancer is so embarrassing!". When I got bc in the other side in 2017, she was very supportive but did say that although she would be sure to continue to be monitored herself (we are both over 70), she "didn't expect to get bc herself. " What?? Well, that's all right then as all of us thousands on this site got bc because we expected to! She is wonderful really but does seem to believe she is entitled to continue to be lucky health wise. Polly
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How about, you should only exercise 3 days a week doing it everyday was too much for you that is why you got cancer. Good grief anything to explain away why I got cancer and you didn't.
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My A.S.S. (always stupid sister) mentioned recently that I'm not as tired as SHE is, as I approached the end of my 33 days of radiation. I snapped back (all this via text) that I was sure that three surgeries and radiation couldn't possibly compare to whatever she was experiencing, and she should see a doctor if she's so damned tired. I hadn't even brought up any of it until she asked if I was still in radiation, and I said yes and that it was tiring. It took her a few days, but she finally apologized. I find that I have absolutely no sympathy for self-diagnosed hypochondriacs - not that I had much before, but it gets on my last nerve now.
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From reading this thread it seems that for many people, thinking is really hard. So hard they don't do it. But most of us go through life utterly ignorant of our core beliefs and what motivates us. For example, I believe when people hear that you have cancer and they whip out some stupid remark like you exercised too much, you were not acidic enough, you didn't wear your tinfoil helmet enough, blah, blah, blah...what they're actually doing is making a bargain. A bargain with the random asshole deity that hands out random asshole cancer. They are finding the weakness in you and pointing at you while jumping up and down and shouting, " I am different, I didn't do what she did, I have made other choices, she was bad, she didn't wear the tinfoil helmet but I did and thus it makes sense that she has cancer and please don't give it to me because I am being so dutiful and dedicated and doing everything right, I do not deserve cancer!"
Flippant, thoughtless remarks often (not always) are a way to mark the difference between those who got cancer and the rightness and goodness and cancer free safety of those who don't. They want that difference to be obvious to themselves, to the cancer deity and to us. That's how they stay safe. By pointing out our downfall (duh). It's a safety measure, like wearing your seatbelt or not eating food with mold on it. But while some things we do can make us safer, there is very little we can do that will protect us from the random insanity of the Boob Blighting God, who just picks you out of a crowd and blammo, cancer! There is really nothing you can do to prevent it. Not even uttering insane things that make you feel safe, or doing insane things, like tinfoil helmets. Nope. Won't work. Sorry.
Getting cancer out of the blue was scary. IS scary still. Those words in the doctor's office changed everything. How life looks, feels, smells and tastes. . I had something (blissful ignorance) that was taken away and replaced with something ugly and heavy (you are going to die, bonehead). I understand why people would want to distance and separate themselves from us cancer getters. I wish they understood that is what they are doing and that The God of Cancer cannot be sucked up to. He's a real dink.
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Oh Runor, you hit the nail on the head! Kind of sad but true and also made me smile.
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Yeah runor, I have people like that. Somehow I screwed up and got cancer and it won’t happen to them, They are bulletproof. I didn’t know anyone with cancer except my car. mechanic before I got it. I figured I wouldn’t get it because noone in my family ever had it. My sister and her daughter think because they are negative for BRCA gene they are in the clear. They got the 23 and me genetic tests. Sister is positive for wet earwax. Ha ha. So anyways I am the loser in my family and of course I deserved it
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Alice,
Yes, THIS! Thank you for posting what I go around thinking all the time. It sounds horrible, but my tolerance for whining about a headache or sore throat is low. It's not that I don't have sympathy for others, it's just hard to hear how much worse your case of the sniffles is than how bad my bones hurt during Taxol treatments.
Last month my DH had to be sedated for a teeth cleaning and two cavity fills. Needed me to stay by his side til he was put out. In the meantime he was shaking like a Chihuahua. All I could think was:
Needle biopsy of the breast. Drove myself home
8 rounds of chemo. Drove myself home
Implants failed (after infection turned the whole breast black). Taken out impromtu in Drs office (I was awake for this one) with no anesthesia, then stitched up. Drove myself home.
I truly wanted to call him another name for a cat! 😉
Vickki
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Runor and Vslush, you girls rock! 😂😂
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Yes, thanks to Runor I am getting some Reynolds Wrap tomorrow, and throwing out the Bleu cheese. Haha! Thanks for a great post Runor!
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Maybe all the whiners and dingbats are actually jealous of our strength!
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Runor you are spot-on!
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I can't help but have to say how darn funny you are Runor. Lmao at tin foil hat. Well I totally agree with everything you said. I excersised five days a week no fat content on my body! None. I was a tank. Best shape of my life. Then a lump Bam. Then it wasjust there. 4cm lump... and a small liver tumor and some in bones just because it could. 13/35 nodes and whamo! Denovo.
Then came the question? Seriously I was asked this by my neighbor, “well how did that happen?" Uh excuse me what ? I DONT KNOW!!!!!???? “Do you know that people that are diagnosed with that only falls into about 4% at initial diagnosis “? Oh wonderful I live near Wikipedia! I wanted to throat punch her.
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