INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours
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don't know how I missed this thread for so long! I've gotten off schedule since the dh and kids are on winter break. Awake all night, sleep all day. Bad, I know.
I have been so fortunate in my life. Really a perfect childhood for which I am forever indebted to my mother. Growing up, I could feel the tension between my parents, but thought that was normal fighting. They were both extremely loving and kind and supportive of both my brother and myself. It wasn't until I was 21 that my mother pulled the car over to tell me about what my father had done to her. He had several affairs early in their marriage. I was angry with him for a while and then I decided that he has been the beat father to me and that was an issue for the two of them to figure out. Dad still doesn't know that I know. It would break his heart. Mom has opened up to me and told me lots of things about dad, but I finally had to tell her to stop because he is my dad. I am not her therapist. Of course she would never go and let someone else know "the secret." They are still married. 46 years I think. They are best friends. Even if mom can never forgive him, she would be lost without him. We live in such a different time. My grandmother was miserable in her marriage, but would never have divorced him. Mom didn't divorce dad. I divorced my first husband not soon enough. I just thank God for my son from him. I am forever grateful for my mom's sacrifice because my life now would be so different. She suffered through it to give us the best possible life. Mom didn't have a college education. She's not dumb by any means, just lacks self-confidence. Dad got his phd and had a really good job. My ex has a high iq and a college degree, but chooses to clean grocery shelves for a living. I love my ex in-laws! That's one of the things that made me realize that marriage was not going to work...I loved them more than him! Why is divorce more acceptable now? I was so immature and had no business getting married. I am the only one out of our entire extend family that has gotten divorced...that used to upset me, but God taught me a lot during those years. I would never take my son away from any of his family, unless they were bad people. When I die, I really want my ex mil to have joint custody. Sounds weird, huh? He works out of town 4 days a week. His wife (stepmom whom I like) works 10 hour days. Ex mil lives across the street from her son. I feel like she is going to be the only around for my son. My parents are around too to help...I'm just unsure of how that is going to work. And then my husband now, we have a 3 yr old daughter...what happens with him? I know he will re-marry. What if she has kids or they have kids together? Will he still see my son? Will my daughter get to see her brother? It all just makes me sick. And no one will talk to me about it! Leaving my kids and not providing them with the perfect childhood like I had, breaks my heart. I'm taking their innocence away, well, I already did that to my son. My eyes are blurry now...but those are the thoughts that keep me up at night--and how will anyone love my children more than me?
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Kjones13,
Fill their hearts with Love and Joy and enjoy every single minute you have together. Make as many memories as you can, take pictures of your life together, and fuss over every detail of every day. Have a picnic in the park, hike a mountain trail, watch a sunset, and walk in the rain. They know how much you love them, to the moon and back.
Breast cancer takes so much from us, don't let it take your time! Take Care.
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Morning Kjones! Okay, so what else can we call you? If that's your name, well then okay.... Ha!
I think we were raised in the same house! I mean our Dad's girlfriends... but with mine, those kept on even after they filed for divorce, called it off, Dad moved back to California, only Mom found out SHE moved back with him. So "she" came back, then Mom picked up and moved back there WITH him.... "to start a new life." So they said.
Dad's roaming eye never slowed down.... But they stayed together all those 62 years... She said she would rather have him part of the time than none at all.
And yes, they would have been LOST without each other.... well Mom would have anyway. But after she died, Dad WAS lost... And that is when I really got to know my Dad.... His heart broke after Mom passed away... He just always had her, and he knew she would be with him forever... So Dad didn't last very long after losing Mom.
I just hope you outlive them all, kiddo! You have made a beautiful life for you and your kids... I think they are too afraid to talk about what would happen if they DID lose you... Maybe just write it all down... what you would like... Because if they won't listen, then they would maybe READ what your wishes are.
Did you talk to your X-MIL? Does she know how you feel? I'm SURE she would want your Son with her too! So your X can help that along!
I would just put it all down what your wishes are.... then after all those people are gone, you can tear the letter up. I know you are worried about what could happen, but maybe talk to someone that knows more than I do.... which is almost ANYbody, and see if they have any other suggestions, to help you not worry about this stuff. Honestly, I would be worried too, but you have a LOT of time to try and get these ducks all in a row......
Does your Husband listen to you when you talk quietly about these things? Tell him what your biggest worries are... About him and your Son, not only your Daughter. And no-one WILL love your children more than you.... but sometimes it is "enough!"
Some of us never "felt" loved... we didn't know what it was, until we grew up, and then found it on our own... and then we could GIVE love...
But I would talk to my X-MIL.... tell HER how you feel... and try and find a way to get your Husband to understand, that these are your biggest worries.... None of us know when our time is up.... and you might out-live ALL of them, and your kids will wind-up taking care of YOU!
So just figure out, this New Year, and see if you can take some of these worries off of your heart.... Take care of yourself.... okay?0 -
OMG the longer I've stayed away the harder it is to figure out what's going on, Oh Chit, I'm so far behind I'll never ketchup. I hope u are all doing OK, and I do see some newbies here and this is a great thread any time of day. I remember when it was really just during the nite there were just a few of us on this, now it 's chugging along full time. But that's good cuz everyone is talking more and feeling comfortable.
And if things go as usual, Chevy is still getting everyone riled up. so just ignore her for the most part. we do we just don't tell her.
Well I hope everyone is feeling decent and enjoys Sunday just relaxing.
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Oh GOOD MORNING little Princess! So where have YOU been? Yes! There ARE a few newer ones, and it is proper to welcome them, and maybe even TALK to them... so where WERE you?
Yes, I sleep all night, like normal people, but I'm up raising havoc all day long...Ha! It is very cold here... like 4 degrees! It is all WHITE out! So much snow, and cold, and it will NEVER leave until maybe June.
Okay, I forget who our new one is... Kjones? See, don't pay any attention to Cammi and me.... We just go off on our own thing, not paying any attention to the normal gals on this thread.... but we have fun....that is when we can FIND her....
Feeling decent? Since when is that in our vocabulary? That's from when we were in High School..... right?
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Oh Chevy I just caught up a little.
Kjones, u brke my heart reading how things are going, u still have little kids and u have to think so much, but u sound like u have thought all things but, but praying nothing will be necessary until they are all old enough to take care of themselves.
As I've said before I had a great childhood, I was so lucky we all loved within blocks of each other and enjoyed all our cousins, and and uncles too. So we were blessed all over the place.And even tho I was divorced my kids did have a great childhood, they are in their 40's and look back and sit around and laugh at the fun they had. So that's all that's important for me.
OK my eyes are not opening right meaning they're closing on me so I'm going to go for now
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ILY guys more than some of the people I know IRL. ♥
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good morning!!! Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, And forget the fear, Because it's a happy new year. Wishing you all a wonderful new year
Trying to catch up.
Glad mags scans are clear
Great chair
Love the puppy
Glad the cat is home now.
Few pictures from the motorcycle show yesterday
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WOW, those bikes are really something. I like the first one! Are they for sale?
Enerva, how are the new girls doing? Mine are a month old now and seem to be settlelying in ok. Still a little achy sometimes. Do they ever feel like part of you?
Hope everyone has a nice Sunday. Sewing with the grandkid today. Need to get his done soon
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That was a screen shot from Warm& Fuzzy. Thought it fit here
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Spookie, when I saw that mug on W&F, I thought about sharing it here but you beat me to it. It really does say it all, doesn't it?
Thing is, not only are we better off without them, they are also better off without us. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Welcome, K!
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enerva-awesome bikes!!
Cami-good to see ya girl!
kjones-your post breaks my heart too. Your thoughts about your children are exactly what I fear the most about this beast of BC. ((hugs))
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I will take that fourth one Enerva! I used to love the motorcycle shows. It comes around to the convention center in Baltimore, always in the winter. So I rarely rode there. Now I'm afraid to go into the city. I might just have to buck up and go. I think it comes in February.
I'm being lazy, just laying here listening to my birds. My cocktail usually talks human talk or squeaks. Today he is mimicking my parakeet. He is amazing.
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thanks for the welcomes. Sorry to dump all that out, but I think it was cathartic. My name is Kristin. I'm trying to talk myself into going to sleep earlier tonight because school starts up gain tomorrow. Dh is a teacher so he gets to go back too! It will be strange to have an empty house. It will be strange to wake up at 6 instead of 12
I was a school counselor at the high school where my dh teaches. No more of that. Got enough drama myself. I don't need 14 and 15 yr olds to help in that area anymore. I like being home...need to make a schedule for myself. I need structure. I also need to figure out how I want to spend my time. Volunteering? The only people I feel like I can indentify with now is cancer patients. I would love to do something with children, but that just may break my heart into tiny pieces, never to be out together again. Who knew I would love kids so much? I never baby sat. Never wanted to be around kids. Got pregnant by accident, but when they laid my son on my chest...hooked for life! I feel like I'm using this thread as my own personal journal. Feel free to skip over me! Goodnight...we will see.0 -
Just finished watching 60 minutes about the musical Alive and Kickin! They auditioned untrained over 55 folks from all walks of life and told their stories complete with such sorrow, joy and redemption and amazing voices. Wow! You folks in and around NY city need to get to Harlem to hear it. I was wiping away tears through most of the show. Here they are just shower singers or car singers. You know the ones belting it out rolling down the highway, and to hear them sing. I loved it. Let life roll right out in song! You just don't hear voices like that anymore.
It saddens me to read of others herstories (histories). I know how hard it is to write some things. I remember my friends telling me unspeakable things that left me speechless. A friend who admitted taking the stand at age 14 to put her step father away for molesting her and her sisters. Another childhood friend admitting her brothers best friend had bedded both she and her sister and molestations started during piano lessons at the age of 13! He always gave me the creeps. Then another friend who knew all about her fathers other lovers visited on business trips; she got into her Dad's letters. We had long discussions over that in highschool. These were all NICE families, educated and lovely homes; looks are deceiving! Many times things are not as they seem.
Welcome Kjones. Night time brings out dark memories and fears. When you have kids at home it's so hard not to worry about them. If you love them it's just unthinkable to imagine not being able to protect them. We love them and hope that others will love them too.
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rose--that word--herstories--I haven't heard that since college. One of my history professors offered a class called herstories.
Yes, families are not what they seem. Everyone has a story. Your friends...now those were some brave friends. To take a stand and talk about such unthinkable acts of cruelty. I loved/hated that part of my job. Hated to hear and see the pain of these children, but happy to help put those bastards away! Thanks for helping me put things into perspective. In no way shape or form will I be hurting or taking my children's innosence like that. They are loved and will be loved!
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Kjones, I need structure too. I keep wasting time instead of creating that structure. I'm going on a trip for 3 days. Leaving tomorrow. I'm going to a spa in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia to be pampered. The trip is really for my mother. She turns 80 on the 6th. Neither of us have ever done anything like this before. I have had some massages though. Certainly no facials, manicures, pedicures, or eucalyptus steam room. I suspect she wants me to experience this, but I want to make sure I keep the focus on her and her birthday celebration. Tomorrow night I will be sleeping in a B&B. I never did that either. I hope they have wifi so I can check in here at bedtime. It is my ritual, and it does work.
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Back in action. Still down with the cold that won't die but doing okay. Furbabies are being good and napping, they had a blast with their Christmas gifts, especially Princess.
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Teka what a great photo! I love pine trees! I am so happy this morning. My middle daughter got her grades and they are all A's and one B for her first semester at college - WHOOO HOOO!!! Happy dance... and she's excited about the new semester and her part time job. Sigh... maybe all this sacrifice is worth it! EH??? To all of you have a great day!
Dunessleeper- enjoy! Staying at a B&B beats a hotel any day. You will love it. Be pampered it's fun. I have never done the spa thing, but a massage is great.
Kjones- yep my kids won't know things like that either.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY SWEET OWLETTES!!!
WISHING YOU ALL HAPPINESS, HEALTH, AND MANY BLESSINGS!!!
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So... just checking in. Lurking but not posting.... tough couple of weeks.
The bad news:
~ On Christmas day, my 77 year old sister fell and broke her hip. After a trip to Kaiser ER, a hip replacement, four days in the CCU, she is now in a Rehab facility. I do all her medical management.
~ On New Year's Day, my 93 year old FIL fell and broke his hip. After a trip to Kaiser ER, a hip replacement, four days in the hospital, he is now in a Rehab facility (on the opposite side of town from Sis). I do all his medical management.
~ DH and I are wiped out, and our house looks like the Christmas hurricane hit it. We were in the middle of taking down decorations when we got the call about Dad. Every day since then has been spent in the hospital or nursing home.
The good news:
~ I got my oxygen machine, and am on O2 all night long, with a nasal cannula. It helps me wake up in the morning, and every day I have used it I've gotten dressed, stayed awake, and gotten chores done. I haven't had this much energy since my head injury in June. I never could have done as much as I did during these family crises had I not been using it. DH says I am even moving faster when I walk and do things, as well as talking more normally.
~ My medical knowledge seems to be intact (long term memory). I found some discrepancies in my sister's hospital information, pulled her surgical report, and she did in fact have some major heart issues requiring a cardio consult and a full workup. But the doctor never reported any of this to the family. Guess they didn't figure on having Dick Tracy as a family member. The good news... it was from the surgery, and all is resolved.
~ I drove on the freeway for the first time since my fall! We had a family conference at the Rehab facility for Sis on New Year's Day and DH stayed home. Thank goodness everyone was home nursing a hangover and not driving the roads. I was proud of myself!
~ Both Dad and Sis are recuperating well.... Dad looks at Physical Therapy as his ticket back to Independence. (He lives alone since Mom passed.) My sister, well, that's another story. She's post-stroke from several years ago, has major deficits, and prefers to be waited on hand and foot. Nothing will change, but at least I got her some Rehab after her surgery. So I think DH and I can relax for a while, and not spend every single dang day at either the hospital or the nursing home. Woot!
~ Despite being in the germiest places on earth (hospital, nursing home, and Walmart) neither DH or I have gotten sick this season! Must be the surgical masks, Lysol spray, and Clorox wipes that we use almost 24/7. Big change from years past!
All for now, hope to be able to catch up more as things improve around here! I do read every post and think of you all!!!
xoxoxoxoxo
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wow Blessings! Time for some rest!
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I AM NEW HERE I WAS JST DIAGNOSED WITH INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA .... MY MOM PAST AWAY FROM BREAST CANCER IN 1992 but she used meth while doing her chemo, my question is what will happen to me when i start .my chemo & have to do my breathing treatment ...0 -
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Welcome shyshygreta, what chemo are you going to starting and when? I just finished that so I may be able to answer some questions for you. There is a lot of great info here, so that may help you as well.
Have a great evening!
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Oh yikes SHYshy! Don't be afraid.... I think you have the same diagnosis I did but I'm over 5 years out! So it doesn't matter about your Mom.... My Mom had BC also, but like they say now, sometimes it isn't hereditary.... it's just our cells that go nuts!
So just don't worry! Wait until you meet with your team.... It all matters on what your final Path report it.... you might not even have to have chemo.... I didn't.... I had radiation, with the MammoSite device, so the treatments were not long at all....
You might be different than anyone else on here.... It all depends on the stage, the grade, the size, etc..... and if any nodes are involved...... so don't worry about anything.... there is always time to worry.... and it probably wouldn't do you any good anyway.
The medical world has come up with so many different treatments now.... so I like to think we are in good hands.
Write down all your questions, and answers! Get copies of all your tests, and reports, because your mind will be all frazzled and you won't remember a THING. Just keep all this information together!
Your breathing treatment? Do you mean with a Nebulizer, or you mean an oxygen machine? You have to talk to your team..... I wish I could fix you, but my expertise is limited.... Ha!
It's your BIRTHDAY 22222222222? HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE KIDDLE! XOXOXOXO
How YOU doing Blessings? Everybody breaking their bones all OVER the place? WTH???? No, we don't deal with broken bones very well..... Hope you get your Christmass all put back up.....Take good care!
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Hi shyshygreta I am another that had IDC stage 3 and Im doing good
High Chemo and 3 surgeries later, You can do it.
Hello all You wonderful owlettes
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ShyGreta, Kjones, beach bum & Dunesleep...
Blessings, good to see ya, sorry for all the family issues, it's keeping you & DH busy.
Chevy, glad you are here, taking names, fixin folks, all with a joke & choc. Coke.., he he....
2ndtimer..aka MADDY.......
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2nd, a few more years, we can celebrate like this....
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Welcome shyshy kjones
Hey there n happy new years hole, cammie, chevy, sassie, blessings, foots, smarty, spookie, mags, tang, enerva,(love the bikes) teka n who i forgot....
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