A place to talk death and dying issues
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Just wanted to bump thread
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Thank you for bumping. I think about it a lot, and I also completely forget to think about it a lot. I have fairly well formed ideas and plans for eg funeral, and have already divested some precious things to precious people, but the space between here - feeling not too bad at the moment - and there seems enormous and unknowable. There are practical considerations that I know should be dealt with, like power of attorney and will, but I wonder how we are supposed to deal with it philosophically? Knowing that we have no control over the speed of the vehicle that we’re in.
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Agree, thank you for bumping this thread. This is an important discussion, as being living beings. and @emiliamarty, well said. We appreciate this conversation.
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I am a Pure land Buddhist and I recite the name of Amitabha Buddha daily with an online group. It helps me tremendously. And I would like to share this video and a website with you.
Namo Amituofo🙏🙏🙏
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@wengellen I practice in a zen temple nearby me. I wish you peace and happiness along your journey.
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@tougholdcrow that's great you have a zen temple nearby to go to. Thank you! You as well :)
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I have a question for those who are later stage. How did you come up with arrangements for when things really deteriorate? For instance, I think I don’t want to die at home, so do I find and make arrangements at a hospice facility? Also, I think my family would prefer me to be at home, but I think it would be harder for them to find peace if I passed here. I’m doing great right now but it seems like a good idea to take care of business before it becomes urgent.
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Waves2stars, I have a specific hospice facility in mind, one that is highly recommended for their compassion. It isn't something I can set up ahead of time (have to be on hospice to apply), but when I get to the point of needing hospice care, I intend to see how long I can remain in my home with in-home care, but ultimately plan on moving in there. It is private pay and my insurance doesn't cover it, unfortunately.
Emiliamarty, I've done all the "practical" stuff (Will, Advance Directive, funeral arrangements pre-paid, even written my obituary and chose the photo!) but the philosophical aspects are so intangible. I read a lot of poetry about death and loss, and while I can't exactly describe how that helps, it seems to. My husband passed away over a year ago, and knowing that he's through the veil gives me some comfort, as I believe our souls will meet up. I don't want to die, not yet, not yet... and I want to try to have a good death, in that I want to feel peace and not anger/bitterness at the end. I'm working on that part, lol.
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Thanks sf-cakes. I also aspire to a ‘good death’. I don’t feel angry or bitter in the slightest but I have not experienced real pain as yet except for the first couple of months with ONJ and I do worry that I might become absolutely vile when I do. Poetry is a great balm. I got very into Louis MacNeice around the time of my mastectomy back in 2018. I think that what I like about the medium is that it is the opposite of a page-turner and encourages one to sit with the words and take one’s time. I’m about to radically downsize and need to shed approximately 20% of my books and bookshelves. None of the volumes of poetry are on the hit list. I just had a conversation with a friend who has MS and we have made a pact to get rid of our unread Proust. Those temps are most certainly perdu. I’ll leave the obituary to others. I do have a hospice in mind and am thankful that I will be within the catchment area when I move. Hopefully not for a good while yet.
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@emiliamarty Unread Proust! Oh, I am with you there (the unread part I mean). I started reading War and Peace and my joke was that I couldn't die until I got to the end, which would make me immortal. I gave that up and am halfway through The Magic Mountain, which is a very interesting thing to read in our current state. As for poets, Seamus Heaney. His poem Miracle lives by my side.
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@tougholdcrow haha! Yes. I couldn’t find the first volume on my shelves when I looked this morning, and realised I’d moved it to the pile beside the bed at some point over the last few months. Read the first page and thought, no no no. Life really is too short! Adieu, Marcel!
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My second bout with cancer is when I paid for plot, stone, ect. But now need to get a little more detailed. My husband said we should do that so he know my wishes. When I bring it up to him he says no, its too hard for me to do it now since you dont look sick. I am thinking wouldnt it be better to do it know so you are not doing it under duress? I am not sure how detailed do I want to get? Like those who have made arrangements, did you pick out music, your dress, write up something to be read?
I know my husband will sell the house and go into something smaller which works out for the both of us since I want to die at home.
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@luvdbyhim, I did it now when I am still active and have really good quality of life. I live alone with my two kitties but have family close by. Most of my family don't know I have bc - let alone that it is stage IV. I didn't want to leave a mess for my family, and I didn't want to be bothered by it when I did not have the energy or was undergoing treatment which gave me bad side effects or was in pain/hospital/hospice. My sister has POA and Medical guardianship if I am incapacitated and I am relieved that all the necessary paperwork has been completed. The next thing on my list is replacing the hot water service.
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I had a meeting with the palliative care team yesterday. It was my first one with them and lasted about an hour and a half. It was a video visit and I saw the nurse, the doctor, and the social worker. It was a great meeting. I do have an advanced directive, etc., but they're sending me another form called the POLST which is the Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment. DH and I are in agreement. I definitely do NOT want chest compressions or a trach tube.
Carol
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