A place to talk death and dying issues
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@threetree and @maggie15 Thank you so much. I will check out both.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, @maggie15
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Kbl, are your two places very far apart (like in a different state)? The arrangements I've made with my local funeral home include picking me up out of county, if I happen to pass away when I'm not at home. They gave me a laminated card that I carry in my wallet, so if I'm alone, like at a hotel or in a car accident (hoping neither of those scenarios occurs!) then they will be called.
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As our days become shorter (in the northern hemisphere) at this time of year, the dark nights grow longer. That’s why Christmas has been my favorite season for decades. Recently, I’ve not done much indoor decorating but manage to put up a few lights outside as a sign of hope.
I’m bumping this thread because my expectation for survival can now be measured in months. So my husband won’t have as much stuff to go through, my sisters are accepting pieces of my extensive collections. I’m hoping they can give a few items to their kids & grandchildren.
What can I leave my brother, a staunch minimalist with 2 homes? Since I’m the oldest and he’s the youngest, I’ve been emailing short messages describing my memories of when he was born. He retired early, partly due to health issues, which means we have that in common…
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@vlnrph I’m glad you bumped this thread. I was just coming here to do just that. I signed up for hospice today. I’m of the opinion that I want to get to know my end-of-life caregivers, not wait until the last minute.
Can you tell me if you’re having symptoms that you’ve got months. I am still what I would say able to take care of my daily needs at the moment.I too will be paring down while I’m able to. I don’t have collections, though, except a ton of pictures.
Please let me know how you’re doing if you can as the time goes by.
Hugs
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@vlnrph Sharing memories with your brother sounds really lovely. I don't think all the stuff matters so much. It's ephemeral. The love is what's important in the end, i'd say, but I'm no guru. Thank you so much for sharing your experience since we all have to go down this road sooner or later.
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We often hear, even beyond this community, that memories are the most treasured gifts to leave behind. Memories provided in the form of photo albums, family videos, audio recordings, journals, personal recipe books, scrapbooks, printed family stories. These can even be digitized and stored on a thumb drive/ memory stick, or online, for those who require more minimalism.
Sending love to everyone in here.
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@vlnrph and @kbl, thank you for sharing - as @tougholdcrow says - we all have to go down this road. I appreciate you sharing your experiences so much. In your pockets with support.
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@moderators Wonderful suggestion. Thank you.
@malleemiss251 I have to say so far my hospice experience has been very good. I signed up yesterday and already had my nurse visit and social worker. They have so many great resources. I feel extremely supported.
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kbl,
You're in my prayers and think of you often - the support and advice you've offered have meant alot and the messages we've exchanged. I recently got an outreach email from the company that sets up patient interviews to give feedback on drug marketing messages. Trodelvy was the last drug I did an interview for and it may be the next treatment option for me, but I'm not at all sure I will continue treatments.
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@weninwi Thank you so much. I think of you often too and miss you at our meetings. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. It took me months to make the decision to stop treatment, and I weighed all of my options. It’s such an individual decision for each of us, and I hope you have the support around you like I do for whatever decision you make. I’m sending you a big hug.
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I attended my first Death Cafe group recently, they are held all around the world, a space for people to come together and talk about death (and have tea and cookies/cake). It felt comforting to talk about this with others who were open and kind. I didn't go into great detail about my diagnosis but did share that I had MBC. Also met a death doula, and she shared a bit about being present when people die. I intend to go again.
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@sf-cakes, that sounds very interesting. I must check if there are any held in Australia. The openness appeals to me. Not being in denial about MBC is not being morbid - just matter-of-fact. Sometimes I get very tired of the "you can fight this" attitude from others. The death doula sounds like a very comforting idea. Thank you so much for the information.
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Hi @AJ. I’m actually doing decent. It will be 17 weeks off meds tomorrow, and I say I’m just humming along. I’m having more nausea after eating, but I’m still able to eat and haven’t started losing weight. That’s usually my gauge. I am having more pain but not to the point of needing stronger meds.
I miss seeing you at our meetings and hope you’re doing well.@sf-cakes I’ve never heard of a Death Cafe. Very interesting. Thank you for sharing.
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@ma111 Wow! Thank you for creating this thread. This is all a very raw, honest, and IMHO extremely important topic of discussion that sadly most people avoid or maintain themselves in denial about it. Death IS part of Life. Period. The sooner we come to terms with that fact, the sooner we can begin to truly enjoy and make the best of the Gift of this Life we've been given. I have not read every account here, but so far I relate to many!
- My diagnosis has a silver lining. Rather than dying suddenly and unexpectedly, without the chance to make any changes, I've been given the opportunity to make amends, correct past mistakes, have closure, make preparations for those I'm leaving behind, Love More, regret less, enjoy Fully, Let Go, complete my Bucket List!
- The road has not been all roses and no thorns, and I've certainly had my share of ups and downs. Yet those difficult moments have made the easier ones oh, so much more welcome! They are a daily reminder to be grateful each day I wake up, because -my Mantra- Today is a New Day... And I'm Grateful!
- To those deniers and well-wishers who just don't get it, I'd like to be able to shut them up. However, I think they're part of my lessons to be learned about Letting Go. "Clouds in the Sky." I really *don't* have to allow them to upset my day ! They're actually teaching me how to learn strategies for dealing with annoying people, being polite while aloof, and prioritizing my time and energy for those people in my life who are my TRUE Loves, my Support Network, my Validation for living.
I hope We can all find the Peace and Happiness within, that we all need during these strange times.
Universal Love and Best Wishes to All.
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I have stage 4 cancer and know exactly what that means. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone how to feel about their stage 4 diagnosis or even having an opinion on what someone else should think of their stage 4 diagnosis if they want to live in denial that their choice if they want to think NED means they are cured it's their choice.
It is something I feel strongly about not telling others how they should feel about their cancer nor do I feel the need to educate them about stage 4 cancer that is what their oncology team is for.
I had someone who had stage 4 cancer tell me I was too optimistic about my stage 4 diagnosis and that I needed to get over myself as far as I could make out they seemed to be annoyed that I wasn't depressed or spending all my time thinking about death I was getting on with things, it was very strange.
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@sunnidays Right? Stage IV / MBC is not the flu, and I'm not just gonna "get over it." Stop asking "are you feeling 'better'?" I have good days & bad days just like everybody else. But this isn't "going away" like a head cold. And no, I'm not being pessimistic or morbid for talking about my disease in this manner, or for wanting to plan ahead & make arrangements, whether they're for my Last Will and Testament, for my funeral, for the well-being of my children, or for that last trip on my Bucket List that I want to complete with my husband, best friend and Love of My Life. I'm just being Pragmatic. I laugh, I cry, I get frustrated and angry, I get inspired, I get scared, I get hopeful… I experience the cornucopia of emotions. I'm Human.
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@moderators I really like this idea, thank you! I also liked @vlnrph proactive approach of giving possessions away beforehand, so that hubby doesn't have to deal with it later. I've been so busy getting used to this new treatment schedule and side effects that I haven't done much of it recently, but *minimizing* is definitely a priority on my list of To Do's. My oldest brother is 16 years older than me, yet I feel that we naturally follow the same train of thought. Neither one of us is religious in nature. Neither one of us is afraid to die. But both of us feel it is of the utmost importance that we don't leave *Chaos* for the people left behind when we do pass.
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Hi all. This thread has gone on for years! Fabulous.
I'm wondering if anyone has a good practical to-do list or a link to a practical to-do list for end of life issues, ie. living will, w&t, naming estate executor ?, etc. It's all pretty basic and I've completed most things, but I just don't want to overlook something important. Thanks!
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A friend gave my sister a book called, OH shit I'm Dead Now What, my sister is not ill in any way or dying but she loves the book her friend always has everything organized and can't see why people dont organize their lives before they die.
I have opened a file on the computer which my husband has access to It is a work in progress with ideas for my life celebration
It titled
DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.
It is a quote from Terry Pratchett an English writer.
For the music, I would like sand and water by Beth Nielsen Chapman
and
Across the Great Divide by Nancy Griffith
I know both bits of music would upset my husband and family too much so I will have to rethink that.
We have wills made and everything else sorted out.
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I recommend the book "Take care of Dying, Get on with Living" by Theo Wells. It has specific and practical information about wills, health care directives, making sure your wishes are effectively communicated, etc.
I've been putting together a slide show of photos throughout my life, it's been quite lovely and healing actually, even though others think it's morbid. It can be challenging to find those who are willing to talk about death.
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I looked up Beth Nielsen Chapman while listening to sand and water.
her first husband died of cancer, her second husband died of cancer and she has had breast cancer.
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LOVE the Terry Pratchett quote. Earlier in this thread there are several lists created by BCO members - Things that you should take care of now & recommendations for spouses/children for after you're gone. I'm not very good with computers, but you can probably search.
My favorite book I ordered at Amazon: "Shit You'll Need When I'm Gone" - End of life planning workbook.
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Thanks to all!
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I like this resource For end of life care.
And this book as nice leave behind, my son bought one for both my DH and for me / for him to remember us by.
And am currently reading THe Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski which another member here recommended, and am loving it. Accepting my death and welcoming each new day as well. It’s easier when you are feeling good. As the body begins to breakdown more, we’ll see. But I like preparing , making sure my family has the resources they will need to move on, and lovingly living fully as best as I can, for as long as I can. ❤️
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Thanks to all !
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