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A place to talk death and dying issues

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Member Posts: 61
    edited June 2011

    Suze35,

    AFAIK, the beneficiary will get the insurance money regardless of the will. At least this is how it works here. You should verify that with your insurance company.

    Take care,

    Yan

  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Member Posts: 35
    edited June 2011

    I would second what leprechaun has just said.  I've had several occasions to talk with my life insurance company recently regarding accelerated benefits etc and found them very accessible. 

  • imbell
    imbell Member Posts: 61
    edited June 2011

    Ah the circling vultures. I have mentioned my brother is in Palliative Care for lung cancer. A few days ago his deceased wife's aunt showed up asking if he had made his financial arrangements. They stayed 10 minutes. This coming from an idiot whose idea of financial planning has been hanging at the casino. My brother has already had a visit from his lawyers when advised to do so by his doctor. I so wish he had more time.  No commiserations please. Just sharing.

  • Alpal
    Alpal Member Posts: 112
    edited June 2011

    Since I'm broke, guess I won't need to worry about the vultures. Silver lining? Hmmm...

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 254
    edited June 2011

    Beneficiary gets insurance here too regardless of will. HUgs

  • blondiex46
    blondiex46 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited June 2011

    Well I don't have any life insurance and hopefully Science Care will take care of everything and give me back to my family without them having pay for cremation, etc.  My mother died when I was 32 and my father at 34....She died of ovarian cancer and knew it, we talked about everything when the money was she put me on their account she told me what she wanted which was to die at home and my father said no so she died in hospice, people pick who they want to be with them with they die,  I walked out of the room to say goodbye to a friend of mine who came to visit and when I came back she had passed, sad but as I said we discussed everything....

  • Suze35
    Suze35 Member Posts: 559
    edited June 2011

    Thank you everyone for the input regarding my LI. I guess I was afraid to call the company, I know that is silly.



    class='post_sig'>
    Diagnosis: 9/17/2010, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIIc, Grade 3, 8/12 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-

  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 250
    edited June 2011

    I just bought that book mentioned earlier on Amazon.  I have two kids but I guess they'll have to share. :)

  • china
    china Member Posts: 56
    edited June 2011
    TexasRose, Your video was so touching and beautiful, it made me cry. I am so sorry you have this stinking disease at such a young age. CryDawn
  • Alpal
    Alpal Member Posts: 112
    edited June 2011

    Rose - I finally watched your video. Beautiful!

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 132
    edited June 2011

    Goodness!!!  All this legal mumbo-jumbo is making me GLAD I'm poor and have jack shit. Who the hell who doesn't make obscene amounts of money can AFFORD an attorney and to have all that crap done?!!?!? OMG! Praise ratness I don't have to be bothered with it. And please don't suggest that I do, because other than writing a will for my "valuable only to me" possessions and maybe having it notarized since I can get that done for free at the bank, that's all, folks! Cripes! :-O

  • texasrose361
    texasrose361 Member Posts: 895
    edited June 2011

    WOW thanks so much SAS and Karie- so much to think about...

    Apal- i second that, def a silver lining- i dont own much and and a broke joke. But i think there still will be the leeches that want every little thing like photobooks and such... I remember when my grnadmother passed over 20 years ago, my moms sister still hasnt talked with either of her siblings over it!!!!!

    Thanks china and rose, this is the first chance i've had to get on line today so i never made it private so lucky y'all ;)

    Oh and i was DETERMINED to talk to my dr about either an antidepressiant or antianxiety med but they called me 30 mins from my appointment saying that there was some sort of leak and the fire department wasnt letting anyone in the office (i drive 3 hrs to get there) so i actually had to go to another location for my herceptin (which really want due til wed but for some reason i was on the calendar) so i never got to talk or see my doc... I am going to call tomorrow and ask if they can phone it in.....

  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 15,894
    edited June 2011

    TO ALL -----Karieb is soooooooooo right . I saw 3 cousins as excutors RAPE the estates, they were entrusted with.

    I was entrusted with one estate. I did as several have suggested above that all items on the gift list were sent to the intended receiver before my dear M died. Dear M was not my mom she was a dear relative. I enclosed a letter that said "Dear M has just entered assited living and we are in the process of closing her condo. You are receiving the following item because she wishes you to have it. Please drop her a note or a phone call to tell her that you have received it. It will give her great joy to talk about the precious item she has sent you. __________my name. Then I wrote a hand written note on the letter as to what was sent.  AND had include her new address and phone number.----------Going to close this to check back one page something is starting to sound to familiar-------Wink sheila

  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 15,894
    edited June 2011

     TO ALL----From page  one to this is page 5----------there are so many great suggestions on preparation. Preparation is so good, It avoids pitfalls that didn't have to be. I would not let my son go off to gollege without at least a "Living will, power of attorney, and Surrogate for health care' In a do over I would have demanded a Will. Everyone thought I was typically me OCD.  But If we aren't prepared------tomorrow could be our day. Then what------things are a mess.

    Say to yourself based on all the good info here--------will it allow my loved ones an easier time, will it prevent someone from taking advantage of what I wanted. Can I trust those that I have entrusted everything too, to not take advantage of my trust. Does the law in my state protect what I have done.

    I had a dear friend prepare for death for 18 months. After he died, his wife found out she wasn't on the bank account. She was locked out.-----------no money for anything. It was just as we were receiving Bush's Tax money thing, it was 500$-------I just signed it over to her.  A miss on their part they thought they had their bases covered.

     Cover the bases-----sheila

  • texasrose361
    texasrose361 Member Posts: 895
    edited June 2011

    Sheila i really like that idea of the note going to the indended recipiant. Thats a great time to give away things when you're reaching the hospice or assisted living stage. I have gone back and forth with the few little things i'd like to gift to people- WHEN????? i dont want them to think i am giving up my fight but i want to know they got it and enjoy it :)

  • blondiex46
    blondiex46 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited June 2011

    I like giving the things when you are going into hospice idea.  I also like the note thing....I don't have anything. I do not own my house and do not have any money but I do have jewelry that is what I am leaving, that can be done before......thanks guys for the ideas!!

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,621
    edited June 2011

    Wow, this topic began only a week ago and so many of you have something to say; so it had to be a very timely, important subject.  I just found the topic today; read the first page...plan to read all of the pages (currently there are 5 pages) when I have time.....and will be keeping up to date on what everyone has to say on this matter.

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 144
    edited June 2011

    MOthers with young daughters, here is an idea to do with your girls now.

    A friend mentioned this journal that you and your daughters can keep together, share thoughts and privacy. She started it a week ago (with her 10/11 year old) and it is going wonderfully.

    http://www.amazon.com/Just-Between-Us-No-Stress-No-Rules/dp/0811868958/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1308058069&sr=8-10

    I have boys, they would so not do this!

    I have a journal of 'letters' to my boys about my thoughts, advice and just btdt stuff. I also have a box with books and some other keepsakes for them to have. Simple, not to calculated. Oh, not to mention the dozen scrapbooks I have made over the years.

  • reesie
    reesie Member Posts: 413
    edited June 2011

    Janis, that's a wonderful idea.  Funny thing is my kids are older but still live at home.  I'm pretty sure both my twins would love this idea (boy and girl) not sure about my oldest son.  I think both my boys would have done it at a younger age, but maybe not as young as yours are.  I might just start it now, even at their advanced ages. 

    No matter what I think I definitely will start journaling for all of them.

  • rella40
    rella40 Member Posts: 38
    edited June 2011

    Hi Girls, I have only posted a few times on the TN thread, and I have spent the last couple of days reading all the posts here and I would just like to say thank you for all the info being posted.  I have been stage IV since 2006, and in remission twice, however the remissions are getting shorter, and the progressions faster, so I am trying to get a grip on what is yet to come.  I had come to think of myself as being chronic, and really thought after all this time of good results, it would just continue.  I am not giving up, I am still functioning, gardening (lightly), walkling the dog, etc.  But I know it can explode at any time now, so I think I should quit procrastinating and do some of those things mentioned here.  I have 2 boys, 17 and 27 (single), and no grandchildren.  I love the legacy book idea, and I am also planning on getting the audio books for my future grandchildren, where you record yourself reading the story.  Just sounds like a sweet way to connect. I see some of you are soooo  young, with small children, breaks my heart.  Prayers and hugs to all.

  • claire_in_seattle
    claire_in_seattle Member Posts: 2,793
    edited June 2011

    One thing I would add is a cookbook of all your favorite recipes.  I asked my grandmother for that when I graduated from high school.  She did it, and I still use in when making brownies, muffins, tea breads, and cakes.  I made one for a childhood friend and third cousin when she graduated, and she still uses hers.

    Still the best chocolate brownies I have ever tasted.

    These were all great ideas.  I am trying to think if there is anything else my mother did.  She was really concerned with a smooth transition, and she achieved that goal.  The one thing that I haven't seen is to make sure the executors can find all the assets.  She had most organized, but there were a couple of stock funds and one small bank account that surfaced two years later. We gave it to charity as opposed to re-opening the estate.

    Even if not Stage IV, I have things I need to clean up so thanks for this thread.  And I thought I would add these suggestions.

    My big one is what to do with my great aunt's silver.  Her and my mother's wish were that it stay in the family.  I have know idea who might value it.  I may need to adopt one of my friends as think more important that the recipient value it than it go to a family member.  I don't have children. - Claire

  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 167
    edited June 2011

    Heelo all,

    I have been in Bethesda for the vaccine trail, so I have not posted for a while. I stay at my sister's that is in charge. My other sister has already trying to take over and pump for info. I am glad the sister in charge is assertive enough to speak up and say "she has this arrangment made and we are sticking with it". It all in writing and I keep reminding my one sister that the other one is in charge. I so hope there are no problems and things go smoothly!!!!!! I have started getting assertive with that sister and I have repeatedly told the whole family which sister is in charge, even e-mailing it to some. Why do I have to do this? there is already BS>>>>>>> and I not dead yet!!!!!!!!! This post resulted me in having a talk with my sis in charge to reinforce that she is in charge and everything is in writing and she knows where the orginals are and she has a copy. Everyhting is also wittness, signed and notarotized.

    Per advised we talked about the house in her name. She said that if I put her and my 17 year old daughter on the deed, than they would not have to pay inhertinence tax and my daughter would not be able to sell it without my sister's approval. (Earlier I talked about putting it in her name now.)

    I still have not bought the Hallmark book that I want to do, but have started letters for my daughter, one for college grad, general, etc.

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 132
    edited June 2011

    There's just one thing more I need to say, which rella's post unintentionally/inadvertently reminded me of.  Just because we Stage IV cancer patients are thinking about and openly discussing dying and death in this thread, and/or have decided to, started or finished creating legacies to leave for our loved ones, or "wrapping up our affairs" legally and financially for the Very End -- well, OK, I'll just say it:

     

     

    It makes me see scarlet red when a sister here who is thinking/talking about/planning/doing/is done with all of these things -- feels upset or embarrassed NOT because she's going to lose the life she took joy in living; NOT because she feels she won't have time to do something she always wanted to do, and NOT because she won't be able to spend more time with her loved ones or see her children grow up, graduate HS or college, or get married -- but rather because she feels, and she's afraid that her other sisters here are going to think of her as having "given up the fight" against her disease so she apologizes for talking about this or making any kind of plans and says she “isn’t giving up.” NO NO NO NO NO!!!

     

    Sisters, please excuse me if this truthsome thread has led me into being so excessively truthsome you find it offensive, as (IMO too) many people DO find truth -- about ANYTHING, I'm sad to say.  In keeping with ma111 when she opened this thread, I'll at least warn you though: if the pain of truth is too excruciating for you, please scroll ahead to the next post and don't even read the rest of this one as soon as you get to the period at the end of this sentence.

     

     

    OK now about this "fight" and "we're brave warriors" business; GRRRRRR! I think a LOT of us could stand to get some effin' SENSE already! There is no "fight," not at Stage IV. Remission/an affair with NED is merely one of life's many unexpected surprises, a good one instead of a bad one, that's all. The more remissions, and the longer they last -- presuming the good of remission doesn't end up canceled out in the way of too many or too nasty SEs -- the better! Dancing with NED? Woo-HOO! And you feel good enough to DANCE? Double Woo-HOO!!!:-D Even “just”stability is cheersome. But this is not a FIGHT, it's a CRAPSHOOT! I cheer a sister’s good remission (a long one with few, light or no SEs) or stability in the same way I’d cheer her if she won a couple hundred grand or more in the lottery. 

     

    For the most part, those of us who aren't going to be "lucky" enough to have a run-in with the proverbial bus (or something else) before the BC can get us, will be gotten by the BC.  It frickin SUCKS, but it's TRUE. 

     

     

    Which means, I guess I'll have to write an addendum in my will too, so if that bus doesn't hit me tomorrow, my Pack Rat will know in uncertain terms that I did NOT "lose a battle" with cancer before I finally died from it, or, I did NOT "fight" a long illness before I died from it, or whatever euphemistic brave warrior crap that I hope he doesn't tell anybody. At least I don't have to worry about him telling anyone I "became an angel," since he's agnostic. I am just seriously ill as are all sisters who have metastatic breast cancer, and if nothing else gets me first, I'll have died from a serious disease.

  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 318
    edited June 2011

    Love ya, Lena! Point well taken. I celebrated my b'day last weekend and seriously wondered if it will be my last. Last year I was too whacked out on chemo to really celebrate... this year I'm NED and gloomier than ever. Explain that! Still I love a challenge and I'm spitting mad! Impossible odds? You bet. But I'm still a foolish gambler.

  • texasrose361
    texasrose361 Member Posts: 895
    edited June 2011

    Thanks fitz- i just added that book to my cart! On pay day i'll check out... Now what to do equally for my son... LOL

    Clare- oooh good idea too! I know my husbad wont remember how i make anything that i make LOL

    Lena- Honesty is the best policy!

    With that being said I do feel that there is a fight- not a fight for my life because hells bells i know that BC prob will get me before that bus, but a fight for time and quality time, not being sick all of the time time. Get what i mean? If this or that that i do will give me an extra month or day or even an extra hour holding my babies i will fight! Next month will be a year since my DX and I KNOW i have fought this whole year. I fought the urge to puke, i fought the urge to say no more treatment, and in that open honest policy i fought the urge to blow my brains out- yes horrible that me someone who is mostly sunshine and lollipops had the thought that it would be better for my family to lose me quickly than slowly watch me deterioate. But i slapped myself in the face and said "Stupid woman! if you just hold on and fight through this you may be around when a true cure comes around... I think if i can just make it 10 years there will be a cure i just know it!" Please dont jugde...

    BTW lena i respect you and enjoy your posts i dont want you to think i am upset by what you said- just my honest reply :)

  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 185
    edited June 2011

    I have a question.  Just in case I don't go through whatever $ I have left and just in case I don't have to cash in my insurance policy to live on:  When a person is on title 19 and the state takes their SS checks and all their assets, are they allowed to take the proceeds of life insurance when it's left to a beneficiary?  When my mother died the state of Ct took every penny, but I can't remember if they took her policy of $1000 from where she retired.  Thank you for responses.

  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Member Posts: 35
    edited June 2011

    amontro:

    I had to make arrangements for this regarding my brother in my mothers will.  We set up a trust in NY state (where my brother lives) with a couple of my sisters as trustees.  If my mother were to leave my brother money directly, he could loose is Medicaid, and other benefits.  The trust prevents that and controls how this money can be released to him.  I think it cost around $1500 to set up the trust.

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 132
    edited June 2011

    Happy birthday steelrose. I just had mine too June 9th but celebration -- cheesecake made especially for me, and "fireworks" with my Pack Rat!  ;-) over the weekend. My third since diagnosis (Stage IV at the get-go). Hmmmmm Three down, two more to go if I "win" at the craps table. LOL

    texasrose, I see no problem with agreeing to disagree. It's OK. 

  • blondiex46
    blondiex46 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited June 2011

    Happy birthday both of you and you know everything that happens I think that, I do think I will be here this summer and thanksgiving and christmas, easter I assume so but next year is the iffy part and that is only cause the medication is not working and who knows what will happen with the new one I go on tomorrow....

  • thats-life-
    thats-life- Member Posts: 169
    edited July 2011

    happy birthday steel rose, and lena! for last weekend. I had my birthday too on saturday...not woohooing, but am glad to have seen it.

    this is why i like this thread. This is where we can talk our truth, a place without frills, i agree there should be no apologies for what we feel.

    Lena: i hear you and agree for the most part. We may look 'brave' and seem like 'warriors', but what choice do we have but to endure?. (though i must admit i do feel a litle proud that i havent fallen in a heap) (yet anyway lol) Claire in S: i love my recipe book too. My mother made a scrapbook recipe book for me, covered in brown paper. Inside are some of my grandmother's recipes and hers, and all my 'favorites' as a child. It is really worn now, i am trying to figure out how to 'enclose' it somehow in a new one, where i can add more of my daughter's favorites tec-any ideas?? Ma111: good luck with the trial! and again, so glad you made this post. Texas rose: you are young and strong-hang in there, i have those thoughts too sometimes....personally im not sure if im up to the chemo fight, it is confronting to consider letting nature take its course, and sometimes i think thats what i want, but then i havent been told 'its chemo or the end' yet, so i am unsure of what i will do when that time comes, but it is something i think about/debate with myself alot :)

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