Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Out of the frying pan. Hellooo, fire.
My big issue post-treatment has been fatigue. I finally got a prescription for the Treatment of Last Resort, ritalin. Actually, a generic of Concerta, a pediatric-level dose, extended release.
It seemed to help as a preventative. If I took it after breakfast, I felt OK all day. I skipped one morning, was fatigued by noon, and it didn't seem to alleviate the fatigue once it had set it. So I started taking it every morning, for about a week.
One morning, I was feeling kind of anxious and jittery, so I decided to skip it, since that can be one of the side effects. It's short-acting, so I didn't think it could be causing the anxiety, but I didn't want to make it worse.
The good news: I have not felt fatigued all week, even with no concerta! The bad news: I have been a nervous wreck, and depressed on top of it. I mean, deep self-loathing, curled up in a ball crying depression. I had a rough week at work, but this is completely out of proportion to any work stress.
I'm soooo happy not to be fatigued. I'm happy with my home. I'm happy with my marriage. But I am not happy.
I am wondering: did the concerta actually trigger and/or unmask something? I'm wondering if the cause of my fatigue was depression all along, and the concerta removed the somatic fatigue, and some actual under-the-conscious-radar depression came roaring to the surface.
Or, I wonder if the concerta caused the anxiety, and stopping it caused the depression, which can happen. It seems unlikely given that I was on a low dose for a short amount of time, but who knows?
Or it may just be coincidence. Could be that now that maybe actually I might be able to put BC and fatigue behind me, I am just noticing that my work can actually be quite stressful and I have very little social life and I have very little in my life that I would consider to be "fun".
I do all the "right" things...challenge my cognitive distortions, practice gratitude, count my blessings. But they don't seem to sink from my conscious mind into my mood. I sit here feeling miserable in my wonderful house with my wonderful husband. I just don't get it.
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I get it.
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Timbuktu, I am glad that you get it! I feel like I'm losing my mind. As Rockym's dad said, "This too shall pass". I'm holding on to that, and trying to enjoy the fact that I'm not feeling fatigued, even though I am anxious and feel on the verge of tears. At least now I can exercise again without exhausting myself...hoping that will help get me back on an even keel.
As Gilda Radner used to say, "If it ain't one thing, it's another..."
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Even though it's not meant ot be funny, Timbuktu's very succint post made me laugh. Those three words say it all. 'I get it'
At the point in my life/recovery someone could tell me that if they'd stolen a neighbor's car and driven cross country in their bathrobe, then stolen a horse and rode it into a grocery store and eaten a bunch of frozen pies, I would say the same thing. ' I get it'. 'I understand'.
This new normal makes no sense. But we're all stong and lovely and we'll get by. We always do.
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Janet, I love you're signature line, too. I've really felt in the last few days like I'm not coping at all. But maybe I'm just coping by having a meltdown.
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My husband forced me out yesterday and I have to admit that although every muscle and joint is screaming uncle! I felt much, much better emotionally. I don't know if it was the caring or the sun or the excercize or all 3 but it sure beat the blues away and I slept like a baby, no nightmares.
I just had lunch with a friend and she asked me what was going on with the pills. Do they make me so sad that I want to cry or do they just make me cry. All I couild think of saying was "there's always a reason to cry, isn't there?" She was telling me about a book she's reading about an orphanage in Nigeria where the babies drop like flies. Sure enough, the tears started up but I choked them back. I think the pills just make me very sensitive, very vulnerable. Sort of like PMS. No resiliance. But at the moment the world looks ok so I'll go with the moment. I'm glad you're feeling better physcially. Often the emotions follow the physical state and I hope this is a sign of good things to come.
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I kind of did mean it to be funny in a way. We each think we're alone but somehow we're all in the same place. And we WILL get out of this place together! Onward and upward!
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I hope to get out of 'this place', but I am stuck again this time by finances. I have just gone back to work did 4 day last week (gardening) and I could barely lift the covers to get into my bed.......
I don't know what to do, to try to carry on or wait til after my next op (November). Trying to get benefits here in Britain is getting so tough. One of the questions on the return to work form was: 'Can you lift a £1 coin unaided?' - I think if the answer is 'yes' - you are ruled fit for work WTF?? (there has to be a joke in there somewhere?? -:)
Any thoughts on coping with returning to work? Anyone.......
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Timbuktu, up to a certain point I think physical pain is easier to deal with. I hope your bones and muscles stop screaming, though!
wintersocks, good luck with returning to work. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I work for myself. On the one hand I've been able to avoid taking on more than I can handle, on the other hand I think being forced to get out the house and pretend to be a functioning human being might just turn me into one.
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I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the NHS. Obamacare is on the way and his goal is single payer, just like Britain. I'm scared! I teach ESL to adults and just today we had a discussion about healthcare in their native countries. China, Spain, Russia, Poland, all the same exact story. Shortages and long waits. And THIS is what Americans want? They don't know what they are doing!!
I only "work" two mornings a week and I forced myself to take it on just to feel normal. The pain has to recede into the background. Keeping the mind busy and being out with people is like medicine.
Wintersocks, you are only one year out. I am over two. It's still very new for you. As time passes your strength will come back, little by little. I'm much better than I was at one year. Try to take it one day at a time. It will overwhelm you otherwise. Each day is a triumph and that much closer to being well. That said, no way could I garden! lol
Nurture yourself.
I agree cf, physical pain is better than emotional. Within reason...
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cfdr - I owe my signature line to a friend. She asked how I was doing last year, and I told her that I wasn't doing well, nor was I coping. I told her I was having a lot of meltdowns. That's when she told me that I actually was coping, and that meltdowns are part of the process. (Luckily she pays for a lot of therapy so I don't have to). If you're having a lot of meltdowns, it could be signifying change. A positive thing perhaps. And necessary.
Another piece of wisdom she gave me is this: live in the discomfort. We always try to get for an emotional place that feels warm and harmonious - at least I do. She told me that I should just resign to the uncomfortable, for a while. It too is part of the process. It is unavoidable.
So you can be like the cow, that walks around a puddle. Or the buffalo, that goes right through. The cow will stay dry, though his route is longer. The buffalo will get wet and dirty, but will get through faster. Personally I have cow tendencies. And I am also a chicken. But sometimes I take a deep breath and try to be a buffalo.
Timbuktu - So glad that you slept like a baby - how wonderful! Sun, caring, and exercise seems like a magic combination.
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All this talk of cows, buffalos and chickens is making me hungry. I don't know how I handle my crap. I'll take the eagle perspective. I'm always looking down at myself and trying to figure out my next move. Anyway, I was talking with my husband this evening and told him that I couldn't wait until my birthday (end of October) since many of my physical aliments should be better by then.
My hand/fingers hurt and I'm having surgery next week for it, I sat in the dentist chair for 2.5 hours today after dealing with a root canal, crown lengthening and now crown prep. My toe is still healing from falling off my wall a couple of weeks ago and to top it off I've got some welts from bug bites after working in the garden. My husband looked at me and said well, at least there aren't any internal organs messed up and emotionally you're doing great.
For me it's been one thing after another. I'm pretty sure it can only get better at this point, but last Saturday had to be the craziest. So, like I said I'm having hand surgery next week for these crappy trigger fingers I've had since last November. The pain comes and goes, but on Saturday it was really hurting so I decided to dig into my ol' breast cancer drug stash and take a Vicodin. Well, I felt a bit buzzed with one, but the pain was still there and since the bottle says 1 to 2 every 6 hours so I popped another. About 10 minutes go by and all of a sudden I am so nauseous that I can't even stand up. There I was hugging a soft pillow to my stomach and wondering WTF? My good old chemo brain forgot that I got sick the last time I took a Vicodin, but on with my story.
I go back to my drug stash because I recall I had some Compazine in there for nausea from chemo. I read online to see if this will help with the predicament I have myself in. The drug is good for what I need, but is also used to treat schizophrenia. Again... WTF?? I had to contemplate if I should take the drug or not due to what it is also used for. I think to myself... well, you can stay doubled over for the next 4 hours or try to solve this with the Compazine pill. What's the worst that could happen? If it can get rid of nausea and stop the voices (just kidding). So about 20 minutes after I take the pill I start to feel better. Anyway, you'd think I would have remembered being that sick from Vicodin before... damn chemo brain.
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Hi ladies...been a yr since I posted to this thread...sorry should have been paying attention but that is what happens when I find a good thread then forget to add it to my faves LOL
Been struggling again with the mood swings. What a pain. I feel so disconnected from my life and loved ones. My husband has been so amazing through treatments and surgeries for recon but now that we are a little idle I feel so distant. Everything people do and say to me seems so unimportant and I am always irritable. I feel myself trying to make new friends and connect with those who did not know me before this all began. I feel like Most of my friends from before just think I should be able to just move on.
Sorry to unload but I just thought that by now I would be feeling better. To top it all off I found a lump in my reconstructed leftie tonight. Good thing I happen to have my gyn appt tomorrow
Maggie
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Rock, why would you need surgery for trigger finger? I don't know the details but it sounds like a permanent fix for a temporary problem. I had trigger fingers the first go-round with anastrazole. I went off of it and tried femara and the other one...no memory at all...but anyway, the trigger fingers went away very quickly. I'm back on anastrazole and so far no trigger fingers.
I so know what you are talking about when it comes to the chemo brain. I never realized before how much of our survival depends on our memories. It's no small thing not to be able to remember anything. Especially which meds we've taken and which we haven't!..
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Timbuktu, I've had these fingers effed up for a year. I don't take any cancer meds so I can't blame it on them. I've had cortisone shots twice, but they only last about 3 months so the reality is that the pain won't go away until the problem is resolved. It's funny, but I always feel like a control subject on these boards sometimes because there are a lot of ladies who place blame on meds (justifiably) , but since I don't take them I'm just messed up for other reasons :-). I'm glad your triggers went away. It can be very painful.
I do think chemo was very harsh on my body and instant menopause was just as bad. I used to be so sharp and now it's ridiculous how little I can recall. My husband took me for a terrific lunch yesterday and then later in the evening when we were having dinner, I said, "Well, I must be really hungry since I didn't have any lunch." What the heck?? I had already forgotten that I ate a really yummy lunch just 5 hours ago. Okay, maybe it was the saki :-)
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I apologize Rock, I'm on the Anastrazole thread too so I get mixed up. Duh! I just assumed you got the trigger fingers from the pill, as I did.
You made me laugh about forgetting lunch. I'm trying to lose weight and I often think "I've hardly eaten today" because I can't remember! lol Needless to say, I have not lost weight! Maybe I should write everything down...EVERYTHING!
Hope the surgery fixes your fingers!
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Timbuktu, no problem. The good thing about chemo brain is that every day is truly a new day :-). I can't wait until next Tuesday. All the hurting gets tiring. Maybe that is why I need the extra food... energy! Unfortunately, since menopause came on so fast, I gained 10 pounds and now I'm just too tired to do much about it. I'm only 5'2" on a good day so 10 pounds puts me in to the umpa-lumpa category!
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I'm still carrying around an extra 50 pounds from the day I started chemo. Crazy! I wonder if that has something to do with everything hurting and exhaustion..
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Hi Ladies,
Just wanting to reconnect with you all. I just so feel in the grip of anxiey this afternoon, about work, cancer, cancer, cancer, kids, ex's and currents, operation to come and cancer. Oh and cancer.
Here is my latest copy to patient letter:
'Clinically, she has been doing very well. There is no sign of local or systemic recurrence of the right breast cancer' ......blah blah'
I should feel good about this. But, I can't feel good. I think it is everything else that is bothering me.
I am in the wilderness again.....
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I'm sorry, Wintersocks. I hope you can claw your way out.
I am depressed today. Have my workout clothes on but I'm just sitting around. I don't know why I feel this way. My life is quiet but pretty good. I know I am anxious about my MO checkup, my stage II recon surgery and this new, persistent heartburn. But c'mon! I've dealt with worse!0 -
THere is a hand here for you WS................maybe you need to be there to find a new path for your better future....?? But it sucks.........please speak to someone, it does help
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I broke my toe a couple of days ago. I don't even feel the usual pains anymore. I guess everything is relative, huh?
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Jeannie,
I find that at every stage of this process I go through a kind of tired grieving that's cumulative. I just got my nipples done three weeks ago and I've had a harder time emotionally than with the original mastectomies. I think maybe with the big things I have to use all my energy just to be strong. Then when more minor things are occurring the emotions I stuffed to get through the major ones come flooding out. I spent all day in my pjs one day this week and the rest of the week wasn't so hot either.
Hoping for better days for all of us!
Peggy0 -
Jeannie - My friend bought her husband some workout clothes. He wears them on the weekend when he's too lazy to get dressed. She calls them his 'hangover pants'. Your last post made me think of that. Some days I put on my workout pants with no intention of stretching a muscle. Some days are like that - you go through the motion then lose momentum.
Peggy - Are you happy that you had your nipples done? Or is everything hard these days. I'm getting mine done early next year, and I can relate to the way you feel. I can suck it up for the bigs things, but the little ones take all that I've got and I feel every tiny bump.
Wintersocks - Sucks to be back in the wilderness. And being back at work is not easy - gardening is fairly physical, isn't it?
Breaks my heart that you can barely pull up the blankets at night. This is a rough road and someone should be tucking you (and all of us) in at night, and cleaning our houses.
Are you still seeing your belly-dancing therapist? Has that made any difference? Aren't you tires of hearing that you 'should feel good' ? I've noticed in the real world how many times the word 'should' comes up in conversation. You 'should' feel better, you 'should' be back at work, you 'should' be grateful, you 'should' be exercising. I hear it all the time - whether it's my voice or someone else's. I'm hyper sensitive to it, and bristle whenever it comes up. My partner Jim enthusiastically dispenses advice that I don't want to hear. 'You should have filled you tires', 'you should turn on the air con'. I've asked him to dial is back a bit before I punch him in the throat. it's the last thing I want to hear after listening to the voices in my head all day.
Janet0 -
OK, complete turnaround since my last post. 19 months of fatigue, one week of Concerta, 4-5 days of anxiety, 2-3 days of depression.
Then everything stopped. The fatigue, the anxiety, the depression. ALL GONE.
It's like the Concerta rebooted my body and brain. I can't explain it. But I'm crossing my fingers that this lasts.
On Friday, my husband and I were out to dinner, and I told him how I'd had a great day, after a good week, and that I was feeling so much better. He made a comment that I took offense too (along the lines of, now that you feel better, let's have sex). He got REALLY angry that I got upset, said I totally misinterpreted what he said, and it turned the rest of the night into a total downer.
A week before, his getting angry would have completely unraveled me. But I was able to keep my head through an awful evening, and although I can't say his anger didn't affect me at all, I could tell that there was a shift in how I was (or was not) internalizing his anger. Now that I'm less fatigued, I've been able to exercise more. And during my week of anxiety, I started doing both a lot of mindfulness meditation and some cognitive exercises for improving self-esteem. I think they all paid off.
Sex is still lousy, but that's another issue.0 -
Cfdr - Yay! Yay for you! Yay for getting to where you are today! Yay for all your hard work.
And yay for not internalizing you husbands anger!
(And yay for me for not saying that I think hubby was being selfish). You sound great - wonderful post.0 -
Isn't it amazing how wonderful it can be simply to have a normal day?0 -
cfr, you made me laugh so! First, I'm sooo happy that you have experienced this turn around. Never give up hope! And I so understand what you're saying about how something that would have set you off when you were feeling bad, doesn't when you feel good. But what really tickled me is what your husband said. I don't want to minimize your reaction, you are telling us something out of context. But I think your husband is a typical man. That's how they are, Just laugh at it if you can. My husband was the same exact way, Everything comes down to "sex". I think that's how they express themselves. It means something different to them, I think. It's funny really, But who knows? Maybe it's their way of loving?
I've been with my husband for 47 years. Even when I had raw stitches and drains dangling, he wanted sex. I thought it was odd but flattering. Now, my husband can't do it, In all of these years he's never had this problem. Except for a few months before his heart attack. So I'm worried. I told him if he dies now I'm going to be really angry, we're finally enjoying each other! lol
Enjoy feeling good, I'm so happy for you!0 -
Timbuktu,
I am feeling generally down and everything just gets out of perspective. But I am having buyers remorse about the nipples. Love going braless and should have got the 3-D tattoos from Vinnie. I had spent so much time researching everything else by the time I reached this I just let my Ps make decisions for me and now I regret it.
Thanks for asking, so thoughtful of you.
Hugs, Peggy0 -
Timbuktu, laughing would have been the better reaction. I wish I had done so. But I reacted honestly and automatically. I was surprised that he would take my moment of victory and make it about his penis. The thing that was odd was that I was just mildly put out, but he became furious at my being annoyed. And if the sex comment had been the second thing he said instead of the first words out of his mouth, I would have had a completely different reaction and probably would have laughed. Just please, give me 20 seconds of being happy with my progress in one thing before reminding me that I'm still painfully inadequate in something else.0
