Lumpectomy Lounge....let's talk!
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Well, I'm back from visiting my 81yo mother. OMG. Still shaking my head. I waited to tell her last night, because I really didn't want to have to deal with it for the whole weekend. Good decision.
So, my sister, who had BC about 3 years ago, came over and I told mother that I had breast cancer. I did my best to down-play it, but of course, she is worried. She was all "I'm so upset" for about 3 minutes and then she launched into a story about someone who knew someone who had reconstruction and the cancer came back and then she died from it in 6 months. Sheesh, Mom. Way to go. And then she followed that up with some more stories about women she knew that had had cancer and of course, each of them had some sort of "issue" that she had to tell me all about. All I could do is just sit there and let her say whatever she was gonna say, because interrupting her just prolongs the inevitable.
Then she wanted to come up here to "take care of me" on Thurs. I know she wants to help, and she is a caregiver by nature, and an RN. But, unfortunately, she is physically rather frail now. I felt bad having to tell her not to come, but I know that my DH cannot deal with that. He is fully disabled himself and he is gonna have his hands full just taking care of me, let alone trying to take care of my mother.
Thankfully, I am back home now. I love my mother to death, but being with her is exhausting.
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Ringelle, so glad you are doing well. You've done an amazing job with your DH and DD. And yourself! The right attitude makes a huge difference. Glad that you are halfway comfortable - at least as much as possible. Great that DD is monitoring your drain - I'm sure that makes it easier for her handle this shock to your lives. Take care and rest and rest some more and tell DH's work to shove it (at least in your mind!).
HUGS!
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MustLovePoodles, I'll bet you feel better just getting telling your mother out of the way. Some people have to drag up every horror story they've ever heard. Does wonders for morale, doesn't it? I suspect your mother does that to everyone, not helpful. Thank heavens you were able to convince her not to come. Make sure you ask for help if you need it! (I don't mean your mother). Now just collapse. And breathe for a bit.
HUGS!!!
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Ringelle....your daughter sounds amazing. You must be so proud of her. Maybe a future doctor in the making 😀
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Ringelle....your daughter sounds amazing. You must be so proud of her. Maybe a future doctor in the making 😀
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Ringelle, I am right behind you again for surgery. My umx is on the 25th. I am getting a TE as well with the skin sparing. My nipple will be gone with this surgery. I am so happy to hear you are doing well. I have been watching both threads to see if you check in.
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mustlovepoodles, sorry you had to endure your mother's stories but you must be relieved to have told her. Good that your sister was with you.
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Been following all of you. My treatment is still on hold waiting for recommendation from second opinion MO. (Repeating pathology). Also going to look into ATEMPT clinical trial at Hopkins. Meanwhile had my rads consult (will be 16 wb + 4 boosts).
Think I want to choose second opinion doc as my MO. Feel like I'm being unfaithful! Haha! They both have been great, but doc 2 gets me. We have been talking about Herceptin-only as a possibility. First doc said no on that without hesitation. Initially I wanted my surgeon & MO from same hospital, and rads closer to home. Now looks like I could be treated from three different places! A bit scattered, but think I can coordinate my care. I'm on top of all this and in a good place emotionally & spiritually. Not knowing what will happen in the years ahead, I want the team I feel 100% connected with. Has anyone else chosen their second opinion doc? How do I approach this?
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Mustlovepoodles, I know what you mean about how mentally exhausting a visit like that can feel. Especially with a parent. Several years ago, we took my mom on a vacation that involved a change of planes in Atlanta. She had always been incredibly practical and organized, and I automatically counted on her being able to anticipate the needs of my family (hungry kids, DH disapperaing for a virtual man-cave timeout, someone needing to watch the carryon bags while others went to the bathroom, etc.)-and to help me out. DH used to joke and call my mom "MacGyver" after a savvy (1980s/early 1990s?)TV character who could solve problems and get out of trouble with just a Swiss army knife; my mom was always prepared.
Well I quickly went through a wide range of emotions in that crowded airport, when I realized that my mom had cognitively declined and was not only unable to help me, but was like an extra child in regards to her personal needs. The first emotion that I remember was disbelief (what? is she messing with me?), that it was fleeting--probably lasted 1/10 of a second. The next emotion was either anger or frustration at the realization that I had lost that part of my mom. Several other emotions followed, which included sadness, guilt, confusion, and anxiety--but mostly I was struck by having to wrap my mind around the fact that although she was still independent, high-functioning, and very smart--I could no longer assume that she had those brilliant organizational skills, that I had grown up experiencing. I'm ashamed to admit that most of those immediate emotions and thoughts were all self-centered, and it wasn't until we were on the next flight that I took the time to consider what my mom must have been feeling.
Sorry this turned into a long story, but I think I have a point..:) I learned that I have to give her the same slack or compassion that I've given to strangers or non-family members when that say of do things that are, ummhh, "surprising". E.g., when I first met some of DH's many, many, extended relatives-who live in a small town with little cultural diversity-a few gushed over our wedding photos and commented that I looked "just like our cousin's hairstylist…a little Chinese girl with a cute name like Wing or Ling or something. She lives in San Diego, do you know her? She is just a precious little China Doll!" Well, I am not Chinese, and although I was born in Calif, I had never lived in San Diego. Regardless, I took a deep breath and channelled the Penguins from the end of the Madagascar cartoon (Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave). When I got back from that visit, and vented to my coworkers about the "backwoods, narrow-minded" etc., one coworker said, "Awww, how sweet. They were trying so hard to connect with you, weren't they?" Grrr, I didn't want to hear that, I just wanted sympathy and laughter over a good story. But damn it, she was right.
I tend to think that when people process something new or different and want to respond with something helpful, they often scramble quickly through their memory banks for the 1st thing that shows they can relate. Your mom's comments certainly were not helpful or soothing for you to hear, but maybe she said them because it was all she could come up with to show you that she had some knowledge of breast cancer—and that she wanted you to still look up to her as a wise mom with a nursing background. Maybe she forgot what she had told your sister a few years before. Lots of maybes. Geez, as I read this over, I see that I need to visit my mom in the nursing home. Why do I sometimes feel angst about those visits? That's a whole 'nother topic board, I guess!
Anyhow, I'm glad you had your sister there, and you were strong enough to let your mom know know your wishes about having company.
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Sweetmamaj....I love reading your posts....always a good chuckle in them. 😉
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I hear you Sweetmamaj that mustlovepoodle's Mom probably was just trying to process and show that she was upset...although I will admit that if I were mustlovepoodles, I'd have cut my mother more slack if it were NOT for the fact that her sister had bc and apparently is doing well....it is so weird how people don't know the right thing to say. Would have been so much less exhausting if mom had just said, 'your sister is doing fine, and you will also.'. But still I get it. My older sister had bc and I am ashamed to admit that I was not nearly as helpful as I should/could have been, mostly because I didn't know what to say and do...but maybe also because unconsciously I wanted to distance myself? (I remember telling myself that I would not get bc even though sis did, because she is (was, she had a BMX) much larger breasted than me. OK Intellectually I KNOW that is STUPID, but it didn't stop my magical thinking. (and now , guess which sister has been the most helpful to me by far. Yep, the one who has gone through it. Even though I didn't help her much, and even though I have not been as close to her as to my other two sisters.).
dealing with elderly parents is exhausting. I spent much of the day yesterday feeling quite sad: it was my father's 91st birthday. He is in assisted living, has dementia. Hates his placement because he wants to be on his own, but honestly, I can't imagine a better place. It really is great: lovely caretakers, good food much of which comes from their own garden, beautiful setting in the midst of a beautiful part of the country, quiet private room and lots of outdoor space... Last time I saw him he wanted me to help 'spring him from this joint' and when I said I couldn't do that he asked me, 'Are you related to me?" Me: 'Yes, I am your daughter'. Him: "No, you aren't my daughter. However, you could be my Mother. You act like my Mother!'. (Sigh). Anyway, I would have liked to have visited him yesterday on this birthday, but I didn't feel up to the four hour each way drive after all my travels last week. My father was the only family member who didn't make the wedding in Reno (my stepmom did come without him; she is quite a bit younger and still lives in their family home and is independent). My son, who has always been close to his grandpa, did make a detour to stop and see him after the Tahoe trip and had a nice visit, chatting for over an hour and sharing a (non-alcoholic) beer. And stepmom did take him cake and ice cream yesterday, which he enjoyed. Still, quite sad not to be there myself....
Your story about meeting husband's family reminded me of an amusing story from my nephews wedding last week. I have a very culturally and ethnically diverse family. At the rehearsal dinner, there were family members present who are first or second generation from five different countries on three continents (not to mention several somewhat rowdy Aussie friends, which added to the party :-)).... perhaps a third of those present were born outside the US, and a significant number did not speak English as their first language (at least three barely spoke English at all). And then there was my niece's boyfriend, who many of us were meeting for the first time. Your husband's home town could not be smaller than the place he grew up and has spent most of his life: he's a (white as they come) cowboy from western Idaho and there are 40 people in his town. If that. The closest town of any size is probably a hundred miles in any direction. Anyway, the menu was Indian vegetarian and he looked at the buffet and said, "I've never seen any of these foods before". I will give him credit, he tried most of the menu and even liked some of it! :-) Poor guy looked overwhelmed. (as did the visitors making their first trip from Japan: parents of the bride.)
People are funny, and interesting. Or so we try and remind ourselves :-). But I have rambled on too long, probably because I am trying to avoid getting ready for work this am. Work is heating up, lots to do, I'd rather relax with my cup of coffee.
Mondays, Yuck!
Octogirl.
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Horsegirl - I read your post with interest and my initial reaction was exhaustion (more of it) relative to all the running around to different doctors. I wondered, almost aloud, if it would work to have an MO, BS and Radiologist from three different places. Then. I realized that my own team (they all work together at UCLA) are a fractured group, in my mind. My BS is my favorite, not thrilled with the MO nor the radiologist. So, sorry to take so long to arrive here - I like your concept of having your peeps spread around, yet all adored by you - nice. You seem to have great energy to coordinate all of that. (I am a horse girl, too.)
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Thank you, Peggy, for all your information. Life is very hard and I felt a little of your pain when I read about your DH and his circumstances. I must confess, I am still reeling, a state of mind I do not enjoy. I found out on Saturday that my son may have melanoma and hope to get a firm diagnosis on Tuesday. His situation will dictate all my treatment decisions, going forward.
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Hey everyone - quick question - when having a lumpectomy and removal of the sentinel nodes, does one generally have drains? Ultimately, it doesn't matter, I guess, but I've been over-thinking since yesterday, and now am just wondering about these things. I forgot to run out this weekend to a local store that gives away a cami w/ pockets for the drains - it slipped my mind because I was given the info when I was looking at having a bmx - but since that changed, I can't remember if the BS said I would have drains in or not...
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PontiacPegg, Molly 50, and Sweetmamaj--thanks for the good thoughts. My mother has always been one to see the glass half empty. She believes in fate--everything is going to go wrong no matter what anyone does-- although she would deny it. I know she feels like she is helping me by giving me a warning or trying to educate me to aaaaall the possibilities of something going wrong. It's just what she does. When I was pregnant with my first child, after many years of infertility, she regaled me for 9 months about every scary story she knew from her work as an L&D nurse. When I miscarried my 2nd child, I wouldn't even talk to her for almost a week because I just couldn't stand what I knew was going to come. Thankfully, I live 400 miles away ,so I can keep a lid on things--I just don't tell her everything--and it works for us. Lest anyone think that I don't love my mother, I do. I promise, I do. But I know that I have to limit myself from giving her too much information because she inserts herself into those things and makes it all about her.
One good thing came out of this visit. I've been trying to get my mother to get a mammogram for years and she wouldn't do it, even though her sister had BC at the age of 37 (!) And now two of her daughter have/had BC. My sister and I were pretty blunt with her about her risks. Unfortunately, she pooh-poohed that--she said her sister's BC didn't count because she got it from radiation treatments for her acne as a teenager. Which she did, but still, it doesn't change her risk. (Mother had the same treatment. It was standard of care at the time, if you can imagine!) Mother says she will call her doctor and get a mammogram, but I highly doubt that she will do it. And if she does get BC she will do much wailing and gnashing of teeth. That's just who she is, God love her.
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OMG, BGardenia3, what a blow! I hope the doctors are wrong about your son. Does he live near you? I don't like not being well-grounded and decisive either. Just make a decision and let's go with it. Keeping you in my thoughts!
BJClaywell, I think that normally an drain isn't used. I didn't have one. I'll be with you Thursday!
HUGS!!!
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MustLovePoodles, My DH is also a half-empty glass person. It can be very hard to live with. I also tend to limit what I tell him just like you do for your mother. I had a BC scare 12 years ago and every time he looked at me, it was like I was dead. I know he was frightened, so was I, but gee I could have used positive support. When I actually was diagnosed, he wasn't quite as bad but he also was in very poor health and it just didn't register as completely as it might have. None of us need Debbie Downers but with a parent or spouse doing it, it is harder to avoid. Sounds like you've found the right balance between love for your mother and the need to keep her negativity out of your life.
HUGS!!!
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BJ,
No I don't think drains are normal for a lumpectomy. At lease I didn't have any for mine and I haven't heard of anyone else having them either. If there is the possibility of drains I am sure someone will come along and correct me.
Good luck tomorrow. It was really an easy procedure for me. No nausea no pain. You'll be home before you know it!0 -
bjclaywell, I had one drain after my Lx but that was because my SN was positive so she did an ALND on me. Where do you get a free cami with drain pockets? I just ordered Pink Pockets online for my umx.
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Barbara: how old is your son? What treatment will he need? I want to encouarge you to keep caring for yourself even while you are worried about your son. Like the flight attendants say "put oxygen msk on yourself before assisting your child, etc" He needs you to be well. That said, you don't need to rush your treatment decisions. It sounds like the BC world got rolling for you before you got your head around it. Now your mind is catching up. ((Hugs!))((sending you horsey hugs too!))
My sister-in-law was diagnosed 8 days before me with same tumor type as me, at stage II. It was very hard for her, overloaded with information from the docs but not able to take it all in. The train got rolling and now months later she is just getting her bearings. For me it was the opposite. I started out with stage 0 and felt guilty about how bad her's was. Then my pathology started turning up with the unexpected. HER2 migrating out to my sentinel node was a shock, but a progressive one. I've been able to keep reading and learning; that helps me. Finding your ways to cope is important.
Fyi - My 2-inch SN incision, shoulder, & upper arm are still numb & itchy. I think our surgeries were the same day. I had LX revision too.
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Molly, my nurse navigator gave me a soft velcro bra after my Lx. I think it was donated by the American Cancer Society. Ask! Never hurts.
HUGS!
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Barbara, I will add your son to my prayer list.
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happy monday everyone..
Lumpectomy was today.
Arm pit very sore.
Still going to wait for final results but huge weight off my shoulders. Today is hot and humid and my armpit feels sticky...
a little headache from no caffeine today i think and still a little stomach ickyiness from the drugs given for surgery, but so far...so good.
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Ankledolphin,
Glad you have the lumpectomy out of the way! If you were prescribed pain Medes please take them and don't try to tough it out. Touching it out may make getting control of the pain more difficult. Also try eating little bits of something. Keep us posted on how you are doing!0 -
Glad you are doing well Ankledolphin! and Barbara, sorry to hear about your son. Please keep us posted. HUGS to us all!
Octogirl
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horse girl my MO would have considered herceptin only, but there is no data to support it. There are several studies out of Dana Farber that show taxol and herceptin as a knockout punch for our type of cancer. I couldn't handle having my docs scattered. They are all in one place. But I like them all. My BS is secretly my favorite ;-
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AnkleDolphin, Whew! It's done! Your underarm needs TLC, ice it and your breast. And definitely take pain meds. You need to be comfortable. Use what was prescribed or Tylenol whichever sounds most appropriate but make sure they work well enough so you can rest. When I was allowed to shower, I started gently stretching my arm (in the shower). "Walk" it up the shower wall. Just do what's comfortable - not painful. Or do whatever exercises you BS wants you to do. Mostly just rest and let your body heal from everything. It's had lots of trauma (to say nothing of your psyche). Pamper yourself! Keep us posted!
HUGS!
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Ankle dolphin, yea! First step down on road to recovery. Take it easy on yourself for sure!!
Barbara, so sorry to hear about your son. He will be added to my prayers. But, don't forget to take care of yourself too!0 -
Good news finally! Nothing suspicious on the right breast or right axillary. That means that I can proceed with the umx! Also nothing that looks like a mass on the left. I do, however, have a huge seroma in the lumpectomy site and another seroma in the alnd site. That explains the feeling of swelling and why bras are uncomfortable.
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thanks everyone.
Goal is for me to get healed and feeling better so i am needed at my parents i can take care of them! My step father has shoulder surgery wednesday...and my mom is healing from her biopsies from last week and a boob mri today since they think its dcis... So its just a family mess taking place! But we have to believe we will all get through it since we are all so stubborn!!
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