January 2014 Surgery Sisters
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ok ladies....MAJOR PANIC ATTACK!!! I think I am in full-scale, over-the-top complete depression/terror/rage mode....I can't cope anymore...I can't pretend to be brave anymore. My mx will be in two weeks or so, I still have to decide whether to have a TRAM or TEs, my partner is away on business for long periods of time, I am terrified of the chemo after, and MY MOM SENT ME A WIG FOR MY BIRTHDAY.....waaaahhhhh!!!
We just moved to this area to take care of a relative for a brief time and now I am stuck in this small town far from my home state where I don't know anyone...I can't take it anymore....
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Tarot,
So sorry you are going through during this .... and what a gut wrenching decision to have to make when you are alone and in a strange city. First of all, don't pretend to be brave. No one is expecting you to be brave and if they are tell them to go jump in a lake! Now. Take a deep breath. And another one. Just breathe. That's all you have to do today....just concentrate on that.
Ok, when you're ready....
I think the best and the worst thing about treatments and surgeries today is that most of the time we have choices. You can talk to other women and research either option, but in the end, it's a decision that only you can make. I've had so many decisions to make along my journey on which path to take. That is by far the hardest part of all of this. Each decision came after a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Ok, maybe not blood, but you know what I''m saying....The Dr's won't tell you what to do. I HATE that!! That was my biggest surprise when I first started this journey. I just wanted to scream - please someone, tell me WHAT TO DO!!! We hear ya. We'll support you in whatever you decide. But the decision has to be yours and yours alone.
Here's something, but I'm not sure if it will help....like you, I didn't know which to choose - DIEP or TE's and implants, but going into my first PS consult, he said either way, you have to do TE's first. That's just how they do it at that clinic, I guess. So....the pressure was off. When I awoke from surgery and in the few days following I had made my decision. I told myself I don't ever want to go thru another long and major surgery like that again. Plus, the waiting list at my clinic for DIEP is a year!!! So it's TE's and implants for me.
Hope u can find some peace in the difficult days ahead. Many have traveled the road before you and just know this, most have done just fine and are at peace with their decisions!
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Thanks bc. ......I like your quote...that's the only courage I have left, then one that lets me try again tomorrow.
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Momaton - gorgeous picture of you, and Kiku is adorable!
Tarot - Funny how music invades the senses...I had "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons (one of my son's favorite sons) playing in my head when they injected me with radiation for my PET/CT scans!
Happy Valentine's Day ladies! I made heart-shaped pancakes with strawberry syrup for my son and bought myself a nice steak to celebrate VD or "single awareness day".
BC101 - thank you for the pep talk on AI's. It's good to know they work! I'm going to see how the Aromidex goes. If I get bad joint pain, I'll switch for sure. It seems like it works for some people and not for others.
BTW - I went to bed at 10 p.m. and woke up thinking it was probably 2 a.m. (since that's when I usually wake up for the first time) and it was 5:45 a.m.!! This would be the first time I've slept all night since my surgery (4 weeks ago next Monday)!! Woo Hoo!
I hope all of you ladies have a lovely Valentines Day...tiera's and all!
Diane.
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Tarot - I missed your earlier post...so sorry you are going through this is a new city. We are all here for you. I had a panic attack while waiting for my results following my first biopsy and had my doctor prescribe something. There's no shame in getting something to calm you down. Having stress at work makes it more difficult.
Once you can breathe and feel better, then you can do some research...consult with several plastic surgeons (PS's) and then go online and look at websites to see what you are dealing with in terms of the "after". It's scary, but as BC101 says, it's your decision.
Hang in there!
Diane.
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Just want to say Happy Valentine's Day to all my sisters in here, you are so amazing, each of you and I hope you all have a great day today! Wish I could travel and give each one of you a personal hug!
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BigD- Speaking of Valentine's day, one of the perks of all this is that my DH is taking me to Del Frisco's tomorrow night for a late Valentine's dinner. We NEVER go out for Valentines because I usually cook something special for him. I'm not complaining!
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Right back at cha Big D! (((hug!)))
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Here's one more ....
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Here's a quote that I saw on a friend's Facebook today that I liked and wanted to share:
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The skin on my left breast feels raw and irritated, and a little warm. Is this normal? I am a little over two weeks post UMX with a TE.
Claire
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bc101 and Clare --- muacksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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I'm having a grouchy day. Since I started chemo in August I've noticed a lot of physical effects of menopause, but didn't really feel like I've been emotional or moody (aside from dealing the a cancer diagnosis...LOL), but man, lately I am a B.I.T.C.H.! I have zero patience for my kids (who have been arguing and whining and complaining and crying about everything lately) and I'm just DONE. I try to play peacemaker or referee for as long as possible, but when one is talking over me and shutting the door on his sister because he's mad at her and then she starts sobbing... Yikes. Calgon, take me away.
I know these kinds of things feed off of each other, so if I've been grumpy lately, they're probably picking up on that, but come on! Am I not entitled to some fits of being pissed off or upset without having to deal with everyone else in this house feeling the same?!??!? LOL
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Michelle... When I started tamox I felt that same way. Sometimes I just wished I could take off and be alone with my miserable self.. But my mood seems to have improved. Hey... I can still be a bitch....but I don't think it's the tamox anymore...lol
Hope you had a good sleep.
Laurie
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Woke up feeling slightly panicked. I only have one more week of leave before I have to go back to work full time, and getting my first fill next Friday. I've got to work on my stamina or I'll never make it. My son is with his dad this weekend, so will try getting out and running errands and walking. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm self conscious about the way I look. I'm flat as a board still and doubt one fill will make much difference. Not sure what I can even wear. This all sounds stupid and whiny...hot flashes and night sweats all night...maybe just hormones. Crap..tears too. I'll probably be angry next, and keeping you company Michelle. Luckily I'm alone, so I won't be screaming at anyone.
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Claire - Just saw your post. Are you feeling better? I had next to no feeling in my skin in the beginning, but burning underneath. Heat can be a sign of infection, so I would call your doctor (yes, even on Saturday) and see what they say, especially if you have a fever.
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Michelle - I know what you mean by family going through their own mood swings. .... Sometimes my hubby gets all bent out of shape like he's going thru some kind of manopause -- I know it all affects him, too, but SHEEESH!!! Sometimes I wonder how we'd ever survive if we had had kids, lol!!! But I know when to just leave him alone. He has a hectic week and commutes 2 hours to work everyday - and that's just one way. I realize this has been hard on him, too, and the past few - no the past several years - we've been weathering a lot of major life stressors. One thing after another and now this....Oh well, that's life.
So, I just walk away .... I'm a survivor!
As for me, I'm feeling great!! No pain. No angst. Sleep is ... meeh. No complaints except I have CABIN FEVER, but that's about it
Have a great weekend everyone!
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I'm crocheting again ...whooohooo! Made this collar for my kitty cat...
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awwww bc101 what a sweet baby!!
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Love the Kitty and the pic with your smiling eyes peeking out and all of the snow! Decided I have cabin fever too, so heading out for a shopping expedition!
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BC101 and Eve - So I started having pain in my right shoulder and low back Thursday, and by Friday also my left elbow. I called me MO's office Friday and the NP wanted me to try Tylenol and see if it helped. Now both elbows, neck, low back and one knee also hurt. I'm annoyed with myself for agreeing to wait until Tuesday to decide to switch meds, and am thinking I'm going to stop taking them NOW. In addition to the joint pain the hot flashes and night sweats are getting worse. I can't imagine working like this, and when I searched it, it looks like it stays in the system for 8 days. I go back to work in 8 days.
The NP seemed to think my MO would want to try Femara next, but I'll ask her about Aromisin. I'm not giving up yet, but it sucks that I can't sleep...it's 4 am here now and have been awake since 3. Any one else up?
On the bright side, I had a good day yesterday. Went shopping for something to wear on my first day back and met a friend for dinner. I am starting on to have less pain in my chest now, which is fantastic!!
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Good Morning all,
Not sleeping sucks. I can't wait for the day when I can just move and not think about it, no pain, that is what I want.
BC101- love your kitty
Hoping everyone is doing ok.
I feel empty. Afraid of what's to come. Meloncholy. (sp) That sad feeling you can't quite put your finger on. Oh well, it will get better.
And yes!!! Michelle you can get pissed off. lol You can even yell at the kids. Promise you, it won't hurt 'em. Just send everyone to their rooms when you can't stand them
Hey that's what I did and my mom did to us....we turned out ok, and my boys are super cool. So tan their little behinds....tell em to go out and find a switch and give 'em a good lick'in behind the woodshed! That'll teach the little varmits to behave.Diane.....that is exactly why I don't want to take the AI's. I already have bone issues, not bad, but I sure don't want things to get worse and they can cause cardiovascular problems, I already have high blood pressure, arrrrrrgh! I just don't know. We'll see what the MO says when I see him/her.
here's to everyone to have a beautiful Sunday inspite of all the BC crud.
CARPE DIEM!
love ya
Eve
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momaton
I could not agree more! Not sleeping is the worst and I have the exact same feelings! I am afraid of what is to come. I know my treatment but not a start date. Getting a port on Thursday and I think that will give me even more anxiety.
I have 2 great boys but find myself yelling all the time and yes they will be fine!
I agree has to get better and know the road is long! Just glad to hear someone else feels the way I do!! We just need to hang in there!!
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Momaton, you crack me up! I love your advice. As for the melancholy....me too....it's nice just to be able to admit it to someone who understands...pretty much the entire board, right?
Bc101, thank you for the encouragement. It was sorely needed. My kitty looks like yours, only a bit more silver. She knows something is up and sticks to me like glue. Which, of course, drives me crazy. Seems my moods are about the same as everyone else's haha.
Dtkd, you are not too far from my hometown of Pioneer/Buckhorn. And you don't sound stupid and whiny at all. Just going back to work is such a huge accomplishment....and it must be daunting at the same time. Let us know how it goes.
Wednesday is the day for the big decision and setting the surgery date. Chemo begins in about 3 weeks.
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Thanks ladies, for commiserating with me.
I really have tried to stay positive, but after 6+ months of this, I'm bound to have a "wallowing" minute here and there.
Oh, and hot flashes really suck. I've had them off & on since chemo put me into menopause in September, but they have really gotten so much worse since starting Tamoxifen. Wow. Last night I swear I must have had 10 in an hour. I think I only woke up a couple of times last night, but the evenings are the worst for the hot flashes and my restless legs. Ugh.
On a positive note... the restless legs syndrome is forcing me to exercise. LOL When they get bad, I hop on my exercise bike and last night I rode 4 miles.
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I totally understand the melancholy feeling, we all dare going to feel it. This whole thing sucks and although I try to stay as positive as I can in front of everyone, I look forward to coming home so I can just feel what I want to feel, which is not always so positive. Michelle, hang in there, I am thinking about you. You got some good exercise in, good for you. Have a nice Sunday, everyone, love you all.
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Michelle....this is definately a long journey. For the most part I feel ok. But I'm still nauseated off and on by one of my meds. And tired. That's the crappy part....just always tired.
I wallow in self pity from time to time....but mostly because I just want one entire day where I feel good from morning till night! That will be a good day indeed!
Have a good Sunday everyone.
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Well as I was changing my clothes this morning I noticed an unpleasant odor. I asked my husband to check me out and he agreed it was coming from my right prophylactic breast. The very one that I hurt when I fell last week and the very one that had to be aspirated last week!!! Ugh!!! So I called my ps. She put me backbon antibiotic and wants to see me in the office 8am Tuesday. I was scheduled to go to her on tuesday at 430 for my first fill which I've been worried about and now this!!! She asked me to email her pictures of my breast. After seeing the pics she was comfortable w antibiotics and early Tuesday appt....
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I"m glad I was able to help, Tarot.
My moods are up and down and all over the place - like everyone here...but I've found the peaks and valleys are getting easier...so keep that in mind everyone! Not to be the eternal cheerleader. Honestly I feel a little guilty that I feel so good physically. But I'm still struggling psychologically and emotionally. And sleep is still elusive....I LONG to sleep the whole night through. I still haven't found the magic bullet. Guess my PA was right when she said it wasn't good to depend on pills. I miss taking my bedtime knock-out drug!!!
Michelle - wow, 4 miles. That's awesome! Keep it up - I"m gonna try and make it to the indoor walking track today.
Diane - I was up at 3 a.m. and had to move to the couch because hubby was snoring too loud. I was so frustrated I almost cried....eventually I fell asleep. Yes, ask you doc about Aromasin. I haven't had any SE's, but I do have osteoporosis. My MO recommended I start taking Zometa instead of Prolia. There was a new study from the last in San Antonio conference
http://www.lbbc.org/Understanding-Breast-Cancer/Br...
They are saying that Zometa, taken along with AI's, helps prevent bone loss and also helps prevent distant recurrence to the bones (see under Early Stage Breast Cancer, All Subtypes). Ok, it's only a small % but heck, I'll take anything I can get. I'm going to get my first injection in March.
Have a good day!
Mommyathome - Oh no! sorry to hear that. I hope the antibiotics will help!
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I am sooooooo jealous you guys can spell, melancholy and really!? Michelle,commiserating, just had to get all fancy, shamcy on us didn't you.
Well I must say I am not glad that you all understand what I am talking about when it comes to that nasty little feeling. From this day forward it will be referred to TNLF. Be gone TNLF be gone!
We just got back from taking the pup to the dog park. What a perfectly beautiful day here in Florida. It is such a blast watching her run and try to herd the other dogs where she wants them. It is cool watching all these wonderful fur beasts run and play and bark. Some are puppies and some are very old with visible tumors and one has three legs and one is deaf, another is blind, But they all just sniff butts and pee and poop where ever ( we do pick up the doodoo) and whenever they want. No one cares, no one fights, it is a free for all of pure fun. lesson learned. Carpe Diem.
Michelle, I hate the restless leg thing, I have had that on occasion for years...it is awful. For me I have found out I get it because I am dehydrated. I'll try the exercise thing if it happens again.
Ok now, I am watching Curling at the Olympics. WTh? Why it is on for hours is beyond me. I don't get it, not one bit. I love football, go 49'ers
college basketball go Iowa State, my alma mater, and U of F Gators , but Curling is a very weird sport. You have a teapot and brooms that you use to get the teapot across the ice. hmmmmmmm! makes one think.
Can't imagine going back to work after all of this. No way Jose, keeping the tiara polished and remaining a princess for the rest of my life, thank you very much.
just so you know, my working puts us in a higher tax bracket and we actually lose money.....so oh poor me....lol
love you guys,
Eve
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