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Husband Not Interested in Sex After Mastectomy

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  • blah333
    blah333 Member Posts: 68
    edited February 2019
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    terrible.... not to be crass, but last time I checked most men still like vaginas and the way they feel..... you can wear a shirt, there are all kinds of ways

    it's just shit that we even have to go through this, it can be a loss on so many levels.

    Personally, I did not have reconstruction and the person I would have sex with just before my surgery is still interested, even touches my flat chest, has no problem at all........ it really depends on the man. Ass men won't care so much...

    This thread makes me feel glad that I am not married.

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 1,568
    edited February 2019
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    Not all married men are like that. I would be having a heart to heart with my husband. I didn’t have a MX but I did have a lumpectomy so I do have a lopsided breast. Didn’t affect my husband.

    It’s so outrageous to endure all the pain and deformities of this insidious disease and then for some inexplicable reason be punished for something we sure as heck didn’t ask for. The marriage vows of sickness and health must apply to everyone else but us.

    Why your husband is turned off only he can answer. We have/had the disease but our significant others are affected too.

    Talk to him.

    Diane

  • Hope2019
    Hope2019 Member Posts: 2
    edited April 2019
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    Hello, I am very new to the community. I just joined tonight. On March 28th I was diagnosed with DCIS. I am scheduled for surgery next Wednesday. I feel like my life is shattered and had to go to counselor today. So, sorry to hear that your husband has changed. I'm not married, however I call myself the Lingerie Queen, because I always wear SEXY lingerie all the time. It makes me feel sexy and from my knowledge of wearing it for years, it is a very powerful effect on mens behaviors. Now, I really dont know how I will be feeling emotionally after next week, but I will keep you posted. Try sexy lingerie and see what will happens.

  • Aadetoyin
    Aadetoyin Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2019
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    I thought I was the only one going through this painful phase. Had mastectomy in January and he was by my side after surgery but I had an infection in my reconstructed breast and it gave it a very odd shape. He knew all that happened so I am surprised why making love is now a problem.

    I sometimes feel rejected. Tried talking about it and he keeps saying it’s him and not me

    Now I am tired of taking about it or even trying. Right now I just wanna find myself and be happy.

  • losthusband329
    losthusband329 Member Posts: 1
    edited August 2019
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    I had to go 15 years without my wife wanting sex,she thought I would reject her and said why would you want me when u can have any normal woman with 2 breasts.She only told me this after 15 years and I threathened to divorce her. She just crawled into a hole for all that time.Blew my mind because she was afraid of rejection so she rejected me.Never gave me a chance to show her I wanted her after 17 years of marriage.I called her iceburg and asked why she was so cold for 15 years. I finally broke down on a golf course and she realized how much she hurt me by rejecting me.We finally talked it out and we're back to normal and she is having the best orgasms of her life.Me I still hurt but have never understood her reactions and still have set backs from being rejected by my own wife who thought I might reject her..Any husband have their wife act this way? It doesn't bother me she only has one breast I didn't fall in love with her 38 inch breasts but fell in love with the only sweetest woman for me in this world.I had to fight for her for 16 years but she is worth it.I think I need counseling after all this but she is still my queen.

  • joylyn
    joylyn Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2019
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    I hear you. After 3 years of no reconstruction I had fat graft reconstruction and tattoos. He preferred porn and masturbation. Going on 10 years out now. Still emotionally painful but alot less. It is NOT us. They have a problem. I'm past my physical reconstruction being the issue. He is just not a real person. Quit blaming or thinking how you can make him into a real man. That's his job. I stayed married only hoping but hope faded for him. I would never have treated him this way if it were reversed. Keep focused on The Lord and just be you. We can still live a satisfying life. I think the Lord would understand if we walked away. They chose to leave us a ling time ago. Intimacy is important but it takes 2. One day at a time.

  • joylyn
    joylyn Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2019
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    Happy you two are making progress. Please somehow just bury having to understand the why part and treasure the here and now. Sometimes we don't ever know how or why. Just enjoy today. Best of luck to you two.

  • Jsorr01
    Jsorr01 Member Posts: 1
    edited April 2020
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    I’m so sorry. I’m leaving too. He refused to look at me during the surgeries and he refuses to look at me or touch me now. It’s been three years and I’ve begged and pleaded and nothing. We’ve been through enough after this cancer crap to still feel alone when we are supposed to be with someone who cares. I’m done and just want to love myself again on my own. Good luck to you and hugs ❤️

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 8,081
    edited April 2020
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    Hi there, Jsorr01! We want to welcome you to our community, and thank you for sharing your story. We're sorry for what we imagine has been a difficult experience, but we wish you continued healing as you move forward.

    The Mods

  • Luckytobealive
    Luckytobealive Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2020
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    I got stage 2 invasive ductile carcinoma of the left breast at age 33. I had a double mastectomy, chemo, and tamoxifen. Genetic testing revealed the BRCA 2 mutation and then I had a full hysterectomy. My husband has not had sex with me since I had the double mastectomy. He is not attracted to me physically. He is kind, loving, and supportive in every other way but it makes me feel so bad. I try not to think about it ... but it has been 14 years. I get really sad when I read or watch romance movies because we once had that. I guess that is a cost of cancer and I am just lucky to be alive and that he didn't leave me. He is also faithful but I have caught him looking at porn on line. Breasts are what turn him on and I used to have 34 double Ds and now I have deformed mounds that are cold and hard and don't look like breasts. I have been bottling this up for 14 years. It feels good to get it out and see that many other women are struggling with the same thing.

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 8,081
    edited May 2020
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    Hi Luckytobealive,

    Welcome to the community forums, we're glad to see that you found us and have opened up about how things have been between you and your husband since your surgery 14 years ago. You've come to the right place for mutual support from others who understand what you're going through and others should be along soon to offer their experiences.

    You might find some of the information in the link below comforting while you wait for more answers

    Information about sex and breast cancer

    Best wishes,

    The Moderators.



  • Tan72
    Tan72 Member Posts: 7
    edited August 2020
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    I am so glad I found this post, I am almost 6 years out of treatment, chemo and double mastectomy, and have not been intimate with my husband since starting treatment, i went through of phase of weight gain like others in this thread, I have since lost over 60 pounds and still no interest, it feels like we have gone so long it’s awkward to even think about. My husband has been supportive and was there helping during surgeries and drain tubes which I am sure could not have been easy (wasn’t easy on my end either). We are coming up on our 30th wedding anniversary next month, (not where I had envisioned being when we first married). We are good friends, and love each other, however, we seem to be more roommates and are drifting apart, breaks my heart to think about. I have been working out and trying to focus on being the best me I can, it’s lonely at times, and I thought I was alone, until I found this post, we have been through a lot and are still here, I am hopeful that this phase will pass and we’ll be back to ourselves someday soon. It gave me hope and was positive to hear some say after many years they are now intimate again. Hope you all are healthy and know you are incredible, beautiful women.

  • Aniza
    Aniza Member Posts: 1
    edited November 2020
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    Hi all... Not sure if anyone will see this but I am glad I found this post. MtnMama thought this was rare but I don't think so.

    My boyfriend moved in to take care of me and my child near the start of my diagnosis. He has always been squeamish about gross things -- before my BMX he forced himself to watch videos of gross things on YouTube to try to desensitize himself for the caregiver role to come. So in short, he is awesome.

    But.

    Despite tamoxifen, i'm the one wanting sex and he isn't. It's been over 3 months post surgery, but he said he just can't get there. I have expanders and I know they are hard and clearly artificial, for now. I started feeling super distant from him so suggested we spend the one day a week we get "off" to just have a shower together then lay in bed naked, just touching and talking, with no expectations. This did wonders for a sense of closeness for both of us. Same thing in the following weeks.

    But last night, with this lovely man's arm around me as we were trying to fall asleep, I realized I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately because it's painful to be beside a man I still very much desire and yet he shows no desire for me. It is yet another thing to grieve about cancer. We have talked, and I know that pressure to have sex is the least sexy thing. It puts him in a mindset of having to "perform". And I know that asking him to 'fake it' to make me feel better isn't cool. Yet the sadness of this for me is real too. I finally found a loving man late in life and feel like my sexuality has yet again been stolen from me. Yes, I understand that the scars may elicit reactions that he wishes weren't there but can't control. Yes I know caregiver fatigue is real. Yes i have nice bras or whatever. It just feels like a cycle I dont' know how to break out of.

    I've suggested therapy, virtually. He says for now he thinks all he needs is time. Maybe that's right. But seeing posts of women for whom this has been going on for decades makes me worry about the 'give it time' approach. (The pandemic of course adds a whole other layer of complexity I won't get into).

    In any case, if anyone else is reading this, I can at least vouch for the 'no expectations' cuddling being important for some semblance of intimacy. I hope to give a more positive update later.

  • micmel
    micmel Member Posts: 9,919
    edited November 2020
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    sounds like I’m reading my life. I still love my DH too. My hormones are evil and have stripped me of any desire. Makes me not feel anything emotionally or physically. So yes I can totally understand the stolen part of your post It hits. CLose to home. You’re not alone.

  • WeNeed2Talk
    WeNeed2Talk Member Posts: 1
    edited August 2021
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    Hi, losthusband329.

    Thanks for the reminder that you guys are hurting, too. Communication is a two-way street and we women sometimes forget that you guys are going through a rough time as well.

    I'm 9-1/2 years out from my Dx, 9 years almost to the day since my bilat double mastectomy, and 7 years out from reconstruction. My husband and I are going through some rough times right now. From the day I told him I knew I had BC, hubby was very positive and encouraging, but he slowly stopped touching the breast that had the lump. After the bilat mastectomy, he barely looked at me, so I wore a shirt most of the time when he was in the room.

    We both took the loss of my breasts very hard, since they were a major part of our sex life. My nipples were extremely sensitive, and it was possible for me to orgasm just by playing with them. The loss of them was devastating in many ways.

    After reading your post, I did some thinking back and realized that while my husband did leave me sexually in some ways, I also left him sexually. He didn't want to touch me, and the medications I was on took away a lot of my libido, so I stopped caring whether he touched me. Sex didn't mean much anymore. And then sex started to hurt, especially when he's play with my clit. I couldn't orgasm anymore. It was too painful. I never really told my husband when his touch made me feel good, and I never told him when his touch was uncomfortable, so there was no way we could work together to get through the problems we were having sexually. There's more, but you get the idea.

    In fact, I never actually told him what the problem was for years. I just suffered in silence and misery. I made vague comments about how I had no drive, because I wanted him to stop touching me in certain ways, because of how awful it felt. But I knew it would upset him to know he was hurting me, so I told myself I was protecting him, but really all I was doing was hurting us both. And reading your comment, more than any of the other comments I've read here, have made me realize how much the lack of talking, the lack of communication, the lack of honesty, has hurt us both for years.

    So thank you for reminding me that I need to return start talking more again, and start being more open and honest with each other again. I know he loves me. He's been incredibly supportive through all of this. We'll be celebrating 25 years of marriage next year, and he's talking about having a big celebration. I owe it to him, I owe it to myself, and I owe it to our marriage to talk to him about the feelings I've been hiding, and to find out about what feelings he may be hiding, too.

    We can't truly protect each other unless we're honest with each other. And full honesty with each other is long past due.

    Thank you again, losthusband329. I hope you come back and read this someday, so you know that someone heard you, and tried to understand what you've been going through all these years. <3

  • leley3469
    leley3469 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2022
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    having a similar reaction from my husband. He has never been really into sex to begin with. We started seeing a sex therapist and it is helping. Right now we are working solely on touching and intimacy. It is surprisingly satisfying. A back rub, holding hands, kissing with no intention of sex

  • nothratefull
    nothratefull Member Posts: 1
    edited December 2022
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    I'm will apologize ahead of time bacause this will not be a "grateful to be Alive" type post. It will not be inspirational.

    I'm furious! So not only did we have to carry the burden of losing our hair and breasts and possibly our lives but now I should consider how hard it must be for my partner not to puke when he looks at me naked. I should accept porn as a new chapter in our love story because after all, my stage 3 cancer is hard on him too?

    Bullshit bullshit bullshit!

    I don't know about you guys but I'm so sick of people telling me I should be happy to be alive while my bone marrow screams and my teeth rot out of my angry scull. Now I need to be more considerate of my partner? After all "aw shucks, I'm Quasimodo and no one wants me with the light on. I should thank him for sticking around right?"

    I don't need sex counseling to call a spaid a spaid. No man I ever knew was worth more than five minutes of exdousy anyhow. I hope theyre tiny shriveled balls fall off two at a time and we can tell them to be more patient in our absolute repulsion of their hideous state, while we order top of the line vibrators to fill the emotional gap.This disease has taken much from me, and it may take my very life. But I will keep my pride. Until my last breath. I'd rather be ugly and alone than grant any man a porn pass because he finds me disgusting. And ladies If we're being truly honest, I could never look at a penis sober without gagging either..so we're even. And if one more person compares my stage 3 suffering to the grief any man experiences by merely being a bystander of my desease, I promise I will show them the difference up close and personal


  • rachelray
    rachelray Member Posts: 1
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    I’m new to this group and looking for advice from others that may be experiencing the same.

    I had a double mastectomy 12/15/2022 without reconstruction. I was diagnosed in April 2022 that I had stage 2 invasive carcinoma ductile breast cancer at the age of 59. I’m one of 7 girls with 3 sisters having BC & 2 had passed by the time I was diagnosed. I done chemo prior to surgery in December. My marriage of 31 years has been on the rocks for years, my husband has a substance/drinking addiction and continues to lie about his issues. The day of my surgery I had a family member that came to my home to help me out by cleaning my house while I was in the hospital, my husband proposition her for sex that evening he came to let our fur babies out and let her get use to them since she has not been around them by herself, “he told her to let him hit that, this is the best opportunity no one will never know.” He had been drinking when she came in the driveway! MIND you he got a DWI in October at the age of 58, first time in trouble with the law. He is a compulsive liar. He has not had sex with me since I was Dx with cancer. I’ve tried to communicate with him be he saying it’s no me but it’s him, I feel so hurt and lonely. I feel I would be better off if I was out of this marriage, he has completely broken me and what marriage we did have. I’ve been rejected from him too many times that I really don’t feel this marriage is worth anything anymore. He’s verbally abusing me and he has tried to physically abuse me. I’ve got recording of all this. I’ve been trying to let go let God work this situation out if it’s even worth saving after the brokenness I continue to feel from this relationship! I do have a physical disability from a brain tumor removed in 1981, I’ve been living one handed in a two handed world! God has blessed me beyond measure and continues to bless me, but sometimes a woman needs to feel and show she’s loved! RachRay

  • five71502
    five71502 Member Posts: 1
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    I had my mastectomy 5 years ago and my partner still can’t look at me. Our sex life is virtually zero. It only happens on rare occasions with me facing away from him and in the dark. Because of this I’m paranoid that he will go looking elsewhere. Every time he gets a text message I wonder who it is. I question him all the time. I recently found some flirty messages to another woman on his phone and it’s destroyed me inside. I know my constant questions are pushing him away but I’m so frightened that he’s going to be unfaithful. I’ve tried talking to him about my appearance but he just says he can’t help the way he feels about my scars (I didn’t have reconstructive surgery). I think we’re on the brink of breaking up and it’s breaking my heart.

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 8,081
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    We're so sorry, @five71502, we can only imagine how difficult this must be to navigate. You don't deserve to be pushed away, and you certainly don't deserve to deal with the stress and pain of wondering if your partner is considering infidelity. Have you talked to him about counseling, both individual and for you as a couple? Is that something he might be willing to try? Processing the feelings of a cancer diagnosis and adjusting to the new "normal" can be difficult, and having the guidance and support of a professional can be so helpful to you both.

    The Mods