STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
I’m trying to figure out what to feel and what to do. Background: my parents are both turning 85 this year. Dad just got out of the hospital and rehab for the past 2 weeks. They live in a town 2.5 and 5 hours drive from all 3 of us. My sisters are both grandmothers and “retired” from being stay-at-home moms. I am a 34-year professional architect still working in a position of leadership. My sisters and I have quilting and my parents in common and little else. I’m the oldest. Sister #2 is resentful that I didn’t live up to her image of who I “should have been” when it comes to involvement with her family, who have always lived a plane ride or 5-hour drive from me. Sister #3 is the one who told me that I “contaminate everything” I touch as the excuse why I wasn’t allowed to come to her house after chemo infusions to use the long-arm $12k quilting machine our mother bought us to help me emotionally during treatment.
Here’s the question: should I be pissed off to find out that an assisted living facility has been found for my parents? That even though sister #3 has insisted on being the sole contact with medical professionals and keep #2 and I informed, I discovered today that in spite of having agreed 2 years ago to have open and unified discussions about how to best serve our parents needs, not only have they been discussing it without me, they have been working with my parents and have located at least one facility…without communicating any of this with me. My dad was the one to mention it.Who should I be angry with? Mom has had undiagnosed and progressive dementia (probably Alzheimer’s as it runs in her family) for over 7 years and Dad is a coward when it comes to confrontation, not to mention noticeable memory decline in the past year. The last time my sisters and I had an actual conversation, it was to shut me down when I suggested it was time to discuss assisted living while our parents still functioned without significant mental and physical issues and could benefit from the social interaction of a good facility.
Am I wrong to be royally angry with all 4 of them?
1 -
I feel your frustration. I would feel so betrayed if I found text messages like that. I’ve never been married so my advice doesn’t really hold much weight, but when I was in a live-in relationship and he pulled something like that, he was on his own when it came to meals or anything else he expected me to do for him. Wink-wink nudge-nudge say no more. FYI - he is married now and as the brother of my best friend, we are still in contact. He credits me with having knocked sense into him when it comes to respecting his wife. He has been one of my strongest supporters throughout my cancer journey. He was going through treatment for melanoma in his eye at the same time, so that was a factor, but still…pretty amazing for an ex. Which brings me back around to my point about whether my advice is “good”. He is my exfiancé. Just sayin’.
0 -
@kathrynw1thasea Could you allow yourself to just feel your anger? Just feel those feelings without wondering if you are right or wrong. Maybe do some journaling to let it out and process it. It would be very hurtful to be left out of the decision making process regarding your parents but at least it is done. I remember about your quilting machine-I'd be angry about that too but maybe at this point you should buy one for yourself if you can afford it. It sounds very much like you've been shut out of everything and that has to hurt. Maybe this can be a new chapter where you can visit your parents as you are able and avoid Sister #3 whenever possible. Nice story about your ex-even though things did not work out, how nice that he is still in your life as a support and that your relationship helped him to be a better husband to the woman he eventually married. Peace to you.
0
