STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Ugh, so sorry @bcincolorado ! Stay safe. Ice is brutal.
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Finally got a break this week and stuff has melted so can make the appointment this week with another doc before the next one comes in the following weekend. Hate winter. Makes medical stuff so hard.
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@bcincolorado stay safe!
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So ticked off! I lost another classmate to cancer! I hate this crappy disease so much!
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Even with advances in treatment sometimes it is hard to keep fighting and it is so hard to see someone you know who can't keep fighting anymore. I know that I have seen a lot of family go through cancer who just could not keep going after a bit and decided they were too tired to keep up the fight.
I know when there is something coming up do not want to keep going right now think abut family who would miss me. Things would miss like seeing grandkids finish growing and finishing college and getting married.
That is my motivation for getting that scan and seeing the doc.
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I don’t like being angry or even saying mean things but why do people say “call me and let me know what I can do to help you”?????? Why can’t they just show up and help? I’m not going to ask people, I just can’t.
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You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I am wrestling with this big time but I know I need the help. I have adult children and young grandchildren. I feel like this is a burden that I can’t put on them.One dd helped me tremendously this week. She just came over and helped me get stuff done. It was still tough for me to see her taking care of some very basic needs for me. I am not ungrateful. I just don’t want to disrupt their lives.
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Sadly, my family does not live close to me. I have had several friends say what I quoted above. It’s just frustrating because I think…how easy it would be to make a salad and some protein and call and say I’m coming by with dinner. Or, how about I come pull some weeds and we visit while you relax.
I’m trying to get as much done as I can before I start Zometa next week and then Kisqali in a few weeks.
Screw them all. I’m just keep doing in myself even if I collapse trying.
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No one wants to be a burden to anyone. Getting help is hard even when you need it and you feel like you imposing on their lives. We have family here in town who say all the time they will come help with things if tell them we need something but know DH who often has a hard time getting stuff done and I can't do stuff I used to do outside now at all to help out he won't call or let them know even though they have offered. The back deck needs painting and has for a few years now. Even have all the stuff but no no one has been able to even sit out there and do it. Getting through a day with no appointments is enough right now.
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@newfmamainoregon-I know that this is a ranting thread and I hear you. Hope you don't mind feedback. Disregard if you do. I also have a hard time asking for help. Recently a friend underwent surgery. She sent out an email to a group of friends who had vaguely offered to help with specific things she needed. No one felt put on the spot and it was very helpful to know what specifically she needed, times etc. Some people would get very offended if you just show up and take over something. Maybe give your friends a chance to show up for you with some specific asks? I know it is hard.
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From what I know some people are afraid of "just showing up" because they do not want to impose themselves or offend in any way, and they don't have a specific request to help. They also don't want people to think they are sending a message that they are less independent and more "helpless" than they used to be, if the people themselves aren't specifically asking for specific help and being up front that they simply cannot do a lot of things by themselves anymore (I hope I'm making sense). Like Chicagoan said, it's been my experience that others feel better helping if they are specifically asked if they can do specific things. I've heard this about other situations also, e.g. when a family member dies and the rest of the family might be able to use some help of some kind, friends and associates will message them with the "so sorry, please let me know if I can do anything" in the general sense, but what actually gets action is requests for specifics, e.g. "could you go to the grocery store for me sometime over the next couple of days", "Would you please manage the guest book at the funeral", etc. Otherwise people don't know what would help, and again, they are afraid of imposing or suggesting that you "can't handle" something when you think you can. (My terrible brain fog causes me to just sort of ramble and give these "stream of consciousness" responses sometimes, so I hope this helps in some way.)
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@newfmamainoregon, It's difficult to ask for help but I discovered that if the benefit is mutual it makes asking easier. When I couldn't take care of my husband's horses which he can no longer ride our farrier put us in touch with a riding school owner who was willing to take them on loan. It worked out well so they are there where we can visit them permanently. A teenage 4H member might take care of your animals for free riding. We worked out a deal where a neighbor got our hay in trade for cutting it and providing basic property upkeep. I babysat for an acquaintance's children when she drove to town. She did my shopping along with hers and was able to get her hair/nails done and conduct other business in peace. I try to take my DH who has balance issues with me to medical appointments but if I can't an older man who lives alone will drive over for a home cooked meal from my fridge and alert me if there's a problem. Rarely I have had to call on my family, the closest of whom are a four hour drive away, but they know it must be a real emergency. It's so hard to see the walls closing in around the life you love but you can extend it for a while by being creative. All the best.
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I understand how I “should” respond but when you’re having a bad day, week, month or year, sometimes one needs to just let it out. Thank you for your suggestions.
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Rant away, newfmamainoregon. We're here for you. Sending virtual hug from (not so sunny) Southern California.
Trish
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Getting help is hard for anyone at any age as they can't do what they used to and do not want to impose. When I had my surgery and could not plant outside and garden like I wanted a friend came over when I was in t he hospital and had no idea she was here one day working my yard. I just got to look out at the pretty flowers that came up and only later found who planted them since she sure said nothing to me about being here. She knew we liked to do that and came over.
Also dropped off meals without being asked one day after church since i sure was not up to cooking and DH can do eggs and things like that but not a big cook. Came in handy to pull out something and we had supper a few days at least until I got off the meds and could get in the kitchen at least.
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For me, I can accept help if the offer is direct, specific, and/or spontaneous (like dropped off items). “Let me know…” is too vague , like “Hey, let’s get together soon.” Someone I know, and really like , is stopping by today. She specifically named the grocery store she’d be stopping at and clearly stated she wanted to make sure I had a good basic stock of foods. I did ask her to pick up a couple of things but it still wasn’t easy.
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Take the high road and visit considering that her disease has progressed to the point where she may not have much time. I would visit but observe the same caveats you established. If she opts to discuss what she plans on doing now as far as her treatment, I would listen but would cut her off if she begins to project her outcome on you. You seem to have been doing this for years anyhow.
Your friendship has faced its ups and downs with most of the downs caused by her. Think how you would feel if you do not take advantage of what might be a chance to say goodbye? Would this make you feel guilty or relieved? If you feel it would be too emotionally taxing to see her like this, then opt to remember her from a more pleasant time.
Whichever decision you make will have an emotional toll, so I am sending (((HUGS))) to you.
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After reading what you wrote Janie, I agree with what Betrayal said
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Hi Janiehs - Also in my early 70's and in hilly Seattle here. I second what Betrayal has said. I would be the "better person" and go visit, but protect yourself from any "abusive" sort of behavior from her. You don't need to take that. It can always just be "time to go now" if she begins to say offensive things. If her husband thinks she would really like a visit, I would believe him. I imagine that she could just never come to terms with what had happened, when she was first diagnosed and never has. If she had acknowledged your situation and continuing treatment, she would have had to question her own situation and for whatever reasons, just couldn't. I do think she deserves sympathy and understanding, but that you have to set boundaries for yourself too. Your noting her tiredness was "spot on". I started out with stage 3 back in 2018 and was just on an AI, and then in the fall of 2022 I started having some back pains and getting even more tired. Sure enough by January of 2023 they pegged me as stage 4 (only after several visits to the ER). I had become metastatic on the AI, so not surprised at BJ's progression and the symptoms that were obvious to others, but that she for whatever reasons could not accept. I'm really sorry for both of you and that this horrible disease has inserted itself into what has seemingly been a wonderful friendship.
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Yes, always try to be the better person, but don’t you think you’ve taken enough abuse already? We don’t know you or your friend (a questionable word to use for this person) but this person seems to be focused solely on her beliefs and POV with no regards to you and yours. I never ask that my friends agree with me on everything nor that we view life the same way. I do ask that we be kind and respectful, even when we disagree. We can’t control the behavior of others but we can define our relationships with them.
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Thank you ladies for all your suggestions. I am still not sure what I am going to do but I think I will give a couple of weeks before deciding. I’m going to assume that at the moment she is basically in shock and I’m just not sure I’m the best person to pop back into her life right now. If I do go, tho, I think I’m going to make sure her husband or another friend is there as well, to serve as sort of a buffer, jut in case. I know, I’m being a chicken, but our last interaction was just so nasty, it’s hard to let it go.
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Good idea to take someone else with you if you decide to go.
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i agree that it may come to having others there to intercede if it comes to that. Even if that doesn't work out, any sign of the old conflict coming back, I would say "I hate to leave, but I have a couple of errands to run"
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If it a friendship you value in your heart be the better person and you will feel better yourself. Do not judge her for the past choices she made that got her without getting the treatment early she should have completed. Some people are not mentally prepared to deal with things at that point in their lives.
You need peace in both of your lives and maybe you can also refer her to this website for support as well..
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Got a message through my medical portal that due to new policy they are requiring a referral now to be seen even though have been diagnosed already from my primary doc. My primary doc retired last month and won't see the new one until after appointment. Could not even message the new one since not set up in there yet as my new doc yet. Had to call the office to have them deal with it. What a pain! What a waste of time for everyone involved as well along the way. they sure did not deal with it ether at the primary office either. So dumb. Tired of the paperwork drama involved. Sometimes makes you wonder how much stress you can deal with.
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@bcincolorado that sucks! I swear this stuff is a part-time job in itself.
I just need to whine. I'm in the middle of chemo and it's taking a toll. Today is such a beautiful day, and I just don't feel like I can enjoy it. I also feel like a stranger in my own body, and that I suck and I'm letting everyone down. I'm tired of being tired.
That's all. Thanks for listening.
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Sorry you are feeling awful on a nice day and can't enjoy it. Cancer is something that is always there no matter what and all the drama. DH has health issues that were pretty serious before my diagnosis. Sometimes the docs wonder why we are not freaking out about things when it is what is sometimes and am trying to be not negative sometimes but it still worries me sometimes and then can't sleep at night. Doc had me start to take melatonin at night which has helped at least.
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I need to vent. Im pretty pissed at my sister. Im always the bigger person, biting my tongue and she doesnt even know it. Grrr.
8 yrs ago when dx w stage 4, she sounded strangely excited and said she was going to take notes when we talked so she could better follow along. A few months later and I was feeling overwhelmed, imagine that! She asked me how i was doing on 3 occasions and i didnt reply. (She is long distance) then she announced she would never ask me again. Some rule she made. And she hasnt. Insane. She will wish me well, hope I'm not in pain, send cards etc. Everything but ask directly. So stupid.
She called yesterday but I didnt answer w company here. Again she didnt ask in the message she left. Twist the words in so many ways, but wont ask. Stupid game. I'm planning to text her and tell her I'm too busy to talk. Try next month. All I have to talk about is how miserable everyone here is. Then maybe ask if im playing her game the right way cause i never got a set of the rules. UGH.
Thanks for listening.
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