Starting Chemo September 2015; join us!
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Warning: major sulking and rants coming.
I hit the "I'm a bloody mess" two nights ago. I was changing into my pajamas and caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. Bald... puffy... mottled skin... scars all over my chest (and I haven't even had my surgery yet)... bruised and swollen port area. I was horrified. I had to keep my eyes averted as I brushed my teeth, but the tears kept coming. I lay in bed before DH got in and he jokingly said, "You look like you feel just great." I started sobbing and he was shocked, poor guy. I've been pretty positive about everything but I hit my limit. I said that I looked half-dead and it was upsetting. His answer was that my appearance should be the least of my worries. YES, but I'm still human. And I'd prefer to look like it.
And we just received news that the child we are trying to adopt has told a facilitator in her country that she does NOT want to return to the US for either Christmas hosting or for adoption. It's a complete 180 and has absolutely kicked us both in the stomach. The easiest of adoptions from these countries is filled with confusion, snafus, and miscommunication, but this is a nightmare. And she has aged out (turned 16), so if she does not consent to this in the next few months, she is then out on the streets later this school year. And she has no concept of this. It's heartbreaking and I feel like, in addition to the assault on every aspect of my femininity, that I just had a miscarriage or stillbirth. My heart is so broken I can't put it into words over the idea of losing my daughter.
And I have been going to great pains keeping this secret just to protect the opportunity to adopt her. It's a kick in the teeth.
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Crap Amy, you're having a rough one. I empathize with the mirror issue. I broke down at the cardiologist and couldn't stop for a couple hours.
I've lost a child too long time ago, and there are no words to console. Just know we're praying for you and for God to put your girl on the path he knows is best for all of you. Hugs and bright thoughts headed your way
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Oh man Carolina,
It breaks my heart to hear another person wants a child and can't have one. Worse, that it's because of bureaucracy. And to have to keep all of this a secret when everything is conspiring to shout to the world this is happening? How? I hope the girl comes to her senses. I have friends who fostered a local baby and several years later are still waiting for the paperwork to go through on the adoption (It's almost as if the agency drags their feet or deliberately sabotages the process if they know a child is in a good situation).As for the rest, shortly after my lumpectomy, I pulled out one of my Fredericks of Hollywood corset-style vests (tank top with front-lace). It was great, it covered the scars and plumped up the girls. I still wonder when these scars will fully heal and start fading. Enough with the red lines. If it'll make you smile, I'll even don my sexy Pirate costume for Halloween & post pictures. *brain strike* Actually, we should all post cool costume, hat & make-up ideas. Is this why October is breast cancer awareness month? Scary Scars & Bumps that go in the Night? (Mammogram: Do the Mash!) Must. Stop.
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oh Amy you sulk and rant away. There are no right words to say except we are here for you and lotsa hugs.
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SouthernCharm - Hoped it went well. I also had my second round today. Like you, I so loved the past 10 days and know I'm just going to be "out of commission for the next four.
(My wonderful ninja physician's assistant thinks my yucky Round One nausea may have been made worse by having the port placement surgery the same day. I am choosing to believe she is right!
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Glad you feel only tired - hang in there.
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how you dealing Minnesota Lisa?
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I just started AC on 9/29, so I'm on the late side for the September group. I feel like the side effects were typical for the first few days, so not much to complain about there. What has surprised me is that I'm still feeling significant fatigue and nausea a full week later, as I had heard people tend bounce back pretty well after the first couple treatments. Did anyone else still feel really lousy a week on from the first treatment?
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Yeah inSF, day 5/6 is generally my worst because it takes that long for the steroids to wear off. The sleep is generally welcome by then.
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my halo came! It's a little long, but I like it. I wonder if I can cut it?
How do you wear different wigs without getting raised eyebrows from strangers who see you often. Like when I drop off or pick up my son from preschool? Or people who work in my office building?
Maybe I should just stop caring about that?
For some people I'm afraid for them to know....like clients. I don't want them losing confidence in me.
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The halo and hat.....
Is it weird to wear a hat to work? I have a casual office....
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Hi InSF I definately felt better but my energy levels were low for a good couple of weeks. I was in bed by 8 at the very latest each night. Be kind to yourself and rest whenever you can everything else just has to wait.
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I think its just weird to look that good going through chemo☺☺ If you feel confident and comfortable wear it. I feel sad when I wig up for work but once Im at work I totally forget about it. I wouldn't wear a hat because I never did before and I would feel to self conscious. So up to you, you look lovely.
Maria
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Amy-big huge hug. Been there with the earth shattering sobs all of the sudden jumping out. As for the adoption, I wish there were words of comfort. You are experiencing so much loss right now. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Scream, shout, cry, pound your fists and know that it isn't you. She's 16 and doesn't get it
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edwsmom- you look SO good!
Board question-how do I post my actual name (Jen) and age (42 for a couple more weeks...guess who gets round 3 on her birthday!!!
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Oh Amy, I'm so sorry! Big giant bear hugs to you! Please rant away. We are here for you and I know I always feel better after a good rant.
Jabe - Party on sister! I'll be sending you happy thoughts from the infusion chair tomorrow.
Cajun - Sex is a yes for us. I had to go back on birth control - IUD, since I can't have hormones. We avoid sex the first 72 hours after chemo. It takes that long for the chemo drugs to get out of your system. I was told it's safe with condoms, but I just feel so toxic and yucky. And I worry that I taste different. If my mouth tastes bad from all the drugs, kissing and other things must not taste good either.
Annie - I hope your port feels better soon.
Southern - I LOVE that hat! You look great in it. Hope all went well for you today.
I always feel like I'm missing someone.
Ladies, you are all in my thoughts daily and I am saying prayers for each and every one of you. 0 -
Feeling brave, so here is my bald-ish pic. My dogs, golden retrievers, keep staring at me ever since I got it cut. Like they are confused by this strange-looking person and haven't quite figured it all out. LOL. Poor pups. And thanks for the lint roller tip! Feels fabulous and gets a ton of hair.
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I'm too tired to keep up but I love all your posts and I love the hat halos!
Anyone know if chemopause is permanent?
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I've ordered a gel for scars that I am assured is a miracle. I'll post results as I get them.
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Amy, I'm so sorry, hope she changes her mind and can join your family. I can't imagine how you must be feeling 😭
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II got a pixie cut today with what is left of my hair. There is still enough to kind of style under hats and scarves. My hairstylist said come on back when I'm ready for the buzz.
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it used to look like this
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Well my thyroid ultrasound was this morning. There are 4 nodules, 2 on each side. So I will go in for a biopsy on the most prominent one(s). Normally they would just do another ultrasound in 6 months to monitor, but the doctor wants to be a bit more aggressive/proactive. So it's looking like I will probably have thyroid surgery when I go in for my mastectomy.
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oh skittlegirl-/that just sucks royally!!!
Mom2boo-still looking beautiful!
Annie: I read that chemopause can be temporary OR permanent--depends.
I'm going into a school board meeting--so nervous at the states...
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Skittlegirl that sucks sideways. Hugs for you. I'm so sorry.
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Skittlegirl, oh CRAP! Please keep us updated on what they find (or not).
These pixie cuts and buzzes are adorable. I wish I'd looked that good. And Southern's and edwsmom's halos are making me want to go buy one!!!
Still trying to breathe. I can't believe we may have lost this daughter from another mother.
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Yeah, I already warned my surgeon about a week ago that signs were indicating that I am a trouble maker. So it seems to be holding true.
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Wait, y'all can have wine? I would LOVE to have wine when I shave my head! My MO said no alcohol at all during chemo! I feel cheated....
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I found your 8 pounds.
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There are various genetic companies that have a 100 dollar maximum for testing.Mine was done because I am under 50 with little family history known. they covered it'. My mom had her testing through medicare and it was covered. I will post the name tomorrow as I am from my phone. Do you have a genetic counselor nearby? Mine was awesome
Just finished round 4 of TCH finally! The first week sucks but I plan to be a lizard and just lounge for the rest of the week.
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