Will any man accept me sexually after mastectomy?
I was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer about 1 1/2 years ago. I have undergone surgery to remove my left breast and lymph nodes on my left side, followed by 8 rounds of chemo, and 26 radiation treatments. My scar is massive and my oncologist does not recommend reconstruction. I have been told they don't look normal anyway, just a lump with no nipple and a huge scar. I have always been highly sexual, my feelings on this have not changed. I am a fit 53 year old, single with no children. The man I was with through this ordeal could not accept the 'new' me. He never looked at, touched, hugged, or kissed me throughout my recovery period or since. So, surprise!! I left him. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be with someone like him. But I miss being with a man, and I really do not want to be alone, and untouched, for the rest of my life. Are there any other middle-aged, single women out there who actually found love after cancer? I don't even know how to broach the subject with someone new. How do I tell someone? How do I deal with the rejection when they run after the word "cancer?" How do I even get to know anyone? Is this even possible?
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Firefly63, I just happened to stumble on your post and I can really relate to your thoughts and questions. We are in similar situations in that I am 47 (although divorced and with children) and I would love to have a man in my life. I was seeing someone when I was diagnosed, but he didn't even stick around through surgery and treatment. Granted, we hadn't been seeing each other long. I too wonder how to bring up the topic, if I even meet someone. Anyway, I don't have answers to your questions, but you are not alone. I am puzzled as to why your oncologist does not recommend reconstruction. Is there a medical reason? I was also stage 3, had a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation. I am currently going through reconstruction and my oncologist is all for it. Reconstruction is not easy, particularly when radiation is involved and I am realistic...I know the results are not going to be the same, but for me, to at least feel comfortable in clothes is going to help my outlook.
I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully others with more experience will be able to weigh in with their thoughts. Take care.
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Thank you so much for replying...I've never been on a chat room and wasn't sure if anyone would even answer me! As to your question about breast reconstruction, I am not sure why my oncologist is against reconstruction. I think it is because of risk of infection. A friend of mine went through treatment for stage 1 bc, and then reconstruction. The infections were horrible, and she had to have the implant removed. A year later, her cancer spread...they say it is terminal. I want to discuss this more with my oncologist during my next appointment with her, but that is in September.
I am Canadian, and have to deal with the limitations of our health care system. Most Americans think our system means "free" medical. In fact, we pay much higher taxes to fund this system, as well as a monthly insurance premium. But, our medical system is woefully underfunded and understaffed. Doctors and nurses prefer to work in the US where they see fewer patients, and make more money. (I read a stat somewhere that said the average American doctor has 200 patients, the average Canadian doctor has 3000). Therefore, we cannot see a doctor when we want, if we can find one at all. A large percentage of Canadians do not have a family doctor as there aren't enough doctors taking patients, and rural health centres have to close, sometimes for years, if they cannot get doctors to staff them. If you do get an appointment, you have 5 minutes to discuss your problem, and we are not allowed to ask questions about more than one issue per appointment. We face long wait times (about 6 months for a CT Scan, 1-2 years to get an MRI, up to 4 years for knee surgery). People here die waiting for tests, and are kept in hallways for up to a week following surgery if the beds are full. The medical system will pay for reconstruction, but not for the nipple. If you are rich, you can pay for these things privately...I am not rich. Also, we are stuck with whatever surgeon we get, and have no way of knowing if they are good at their job or not. Thus, reconstruction is a big risk here. I would feel okay if they took both breasts, I have a problem of feeling lopsided with only one.
I have lingerie I would feel comfortable in, and I still feel sexy within myself. The missing breast is not what bothers me. Wondering if I will ever find a man who can accept me is what bothers me, especially at this age (by the way, I am divorced...single now). The good men are all married, women only divorce the bad ones. I was hoping there might be women out there, in this situation, who have actually had success and found a man who CAN accept them. I'm looking for hope I guess.
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firefly
There is a single after mastectomy group you may want to join and there are some Canadians there.
Not sure where you are in Canada, but I'm in YYC and did not have the same issues you describe in terms of choice of treatment and wait times! Not sure if you are in a small city. Not only did I get great care and an amazing team to rally around me pre-surgery, but I was able to interview 6 PS and chose whom I wanted to work with. I have never heard reconstruction described as you said your BS did, that's shocking.... Mine was amazingly supportive in helping come up with a plan and 100% gave me options. So many choices all the way through, and nurse navigator, psychologist, supportive care teams who supplemented the physical healing to help deal with the emotional impact this disease can have on us. Nipple tattoo and reconstruction, as well as breast reconstruction and revisions ARE covered.
At each of my appointments with my oncologists I have come with a list of sometimes dozens of questions, plus at the breast cancer supportive care clinic the appointments are scheduled as hour long questions to discuss fears, etc with cancer specialized medical staff. I have never once felt rushed or ignored. Unless you are in a small town, you have the right to ask for consults with new surgeons! Sorry your experience with our health care system has been so negative. I am so thankful for our system and the amazing care I have received.... Never having to worry about getting lesser care because of cost.
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Welcome, Firefly63.Yes, there is hope! There are many, many wonderful, loving stories for people, in this community and beyond, who have found love post surgery and treatment. Take care of yourself, and we're here to listen!
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one of the ladies in my chemo group (2013) is in her late 40's & has found a wonderful man, so yes it does happen & can for u.
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Hi Hopefloats, thanks for your words of encouragement! I have no idea where in Canada YYC is, I have never heard of this place. I am in BC and had my treatments in Abbotsford at the new cancer centre. Sounds like the system where you are actually works! We cannot get doctors in BC. There are NO doctors taking patients in Surrey, Langley, Cloverdale, Abbotsford, or Chilliwack. I had to take a doctor in Mission...an hour drive from where I live. And there is a chronic shortage of nurses, Abbotsford is currently trying to hire over 200 new nurses to cover the backlog. I had a portacath inserted for chemo treatments. My oncologist put in the order for removal Jan 6/16, she said it would take 3-4 weeks...I finally got it removed June 15/16. I was discharged from the hospital the morning after surgery, I had no one at home to help me and went through the process alone. I was living with someone at the time who gave me NO support, so I left him. I had no benefits from my last employer, have not been able to work since surgery, and am forced to live on $665 a month CPP disability pension. I cannot afford my prescriptions, I cannot afford physiotherapy, I can only afford to eat once a day...and MSP has me in collections as I was unable to pay my premiums (they base your rate on your income the year BEFORE, when I worked full time). I have other health limitations and can no longer work a physical job, but I cannot afford to retrain. I am hoping to get help with that, but cannot afford bus fare or gas to get to the employment centre until next month. I had to move in April to my brother's house in Surrey (I was otherwise homeless as the cheapest rent in this area is the entire amount I get) and cannot afford the gas to get to Abbotsford where I got my treatments very often (45 minute drive if no traffic). I asked about financial support after my surgery, there is none. I have worked full time my entire life and have no idea where to get help, I have never had to ask before now. I'm not very good at computers and can't find info on Canadian sites. When I phone the cancer help centre in Abbotsford, all I get is a recording to leave a message. My oncologist told me reconstruction does NOT cover the nipple surgery in BC, and you are left with a huge ugly scar (I was told this by women who have gone through reconstruction). I went to Services Canada (formerly Welfare) for help...they gave me a list of soup kitchens, told me to give up my (old, old) vehicle in an area with no viable transit system. They offered no other help and wouldn't let me even speak to an actual case worker...I am not on welfare, and they are apparently too busy helping the drug addicts.
Less than 10 years ago, I was a homeowner with no debts, and a retirement plan. My husband worked out of town, had a secret drug problem, and spent our entire life savings before I found out and left him. We lost the farm we used to own. I have wonderful friends, but they are too busy with their own lives to talk to me. They all have children and grandchildren, and have no idea what it means to be truly alone. They have no idea what it means to go weeks without speaking to another human being.
Given all the above, I am not currently looking for a relationship...just hoping that there is still a chance for one in the future! I am hoping to get back on my feet soon, but feel helpless in the meantime. I guess I am on here looking for hope, looking for a reason to keep trying!
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Moderators: Thank you, but where do I find these stories?
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70charger: Thank you so much for the hope! I was hoping to speak to someone who has actually done this...I am interested in hearing how they met, what she told the new man, how he reacted when she told him.
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There isn't one place, specifically. However, there are many stories of love throughout the community threads! But, as mentioned, there is a single mastectomy group you may want to join.
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xoxo so sorry you are dealing with all that you are. YYC is Calgary (sorry, out of habit I type it that way!)
I wish there was some way I could support you from one province over- I feel so sad that you are feeling this alone. Please find us on the singles with breast cancer forums as I'm sure you will find comfort in numbers.
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Thank you Hopefloats! Feeling better today, a lot stronger, and have found the other sites you were talking about
Sounds like the healthcare system is so much better in Alberta...wish I could move! I was feeling overwhelmed when I wrote the above yesterday...had just found out a friend who was had started her own battle against bc several years before me, died yesterday. She just turned 50. I think hearing that brought up fears in me. No gas money, so I took the long, long walk to the employment centre today...have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to see if they will pay for training Thank you so much for talking to me! xoxo 0 -
I had stage III breast cancer 3 years ago. My left breast is gone. I never wanted reconstructive surgery and I'm fine with it. Now I am 43 years old and I like to dress in feminine, even a bit sexy clothes. I see how men look at me and they have no idea hat my left breast is just a silicone breast form that has been stuffed in a bra. When I look good I feel good and I know there are at least 4 men who would like to be with me. (and by saying be with me, I mean in bed!) I am very open about what I went through and all these 4 men know already. But the way they look at me, I just know they want me. So, I can only recommend to be very open right from the start and keep looking great with the help of clothing and makeup a bit of perfume of course, and just smile and laugh a lot. Being sexy and attractive starts in the head, in your mind. Who do you think a man would rather be with: A woman with perfect breasts but nagging, boring, whining OR a sexy, fun woman like you and me, who can show a man a really good time!!!! (even with one breast missing, or for that matter even if they were both gone! It doesn't matter.) So the next time you see someone you like, you walk up to him and say jokingly, yet a bit flirtatious "hello my sunshine!" I think the secret is to make sure they know before too much flirting happens, so there can never be any rejection. I know you will fall in love again and you'll have the best time of your life still ahead of you! You will find a wonderful man whose hands you will hold while you'll be looking into each others eyes, and feeling like teenagers, completely in love and crazy about each other.
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Just really felt I had to reply to this, because yes there are some good ones out there. I went through treatment and came out the other side in 2008, and had been dating during that time, but that didn't work out. I met my husband to be when I had had one reconstruction on one side but was still flat on the other (in fact I'd met him 4 years earlier but timings were not right). He was not phased by what I looked like and said that if I wanted reconstruction it was up to me but either way he was fine with it. I did choose reconstruction and he was fantastic whilst I went through that. We all come with baggage and both he and I did - but we were right for each other!
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I felt I had to put my sweetheart in here, too. He and I had been dating just less than a year when I'd been dx. I've been the uniboober half the time we've been together. He took care of me during and after the surgeries because I would look at myself. He said we needed to get back to sex so I wouldn't be freaked out about it. (I remember that one - I was like O.O) Now I'm going through chemo, have no hair and he says things like put lingerie on that I look so sexy. And because he loves me so much I do, and through his eyes, I can feel whole and beautiful.
Men are attracted to what they see inside you and you reflect that back out to them.
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That's true Frill. A friend of mine's daughter's BFF was with her from start to finish and is still with her. He's a keeper too.
Diane
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Hello, Firefly 63. Don t loose hope. I can talk about my experience.45, uni mastectomy with reconstruction 2 years ago.Had a fight with cancer mentally for 2 years, I was stage 1 BC. Married with two children.Have a good relationship with my husband, but not much sexually driven.I met a wonderfull young man, too young for me, unfortunatelly and we fell in love, quicly enough.I didnt wanted a relationship, I was ok with my husband, even our sex life was not so good. And maybe other parts of our life, but nothing too dramatic.I just fell in love with that guy that I met by accident, something like God sent us one to anonther s way. He was very much in love with me and I was too, our encounter was fantastic and he was not interested in my reconstruction.I must admit, I told him just before making love, I wanted to be fair with him, even risking a rejection and his reaction was wonderfull, saying that s good I still live and that doesn t matter for him. And he is a handsome and artist guy, he is a piano player.
Long story short, don t worry, live life and free yourself from cancer fear. That is the point. Good luck and best wishes!
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Firefly if you are still on the boards, check out https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/99/topics/768339
Mods, it would be better to direct new users to a specific forum with a link or at least to All/Active Topics on the left. not everyone understands how it works, and some just dive into Discussion without realizing how to find specific topics.
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Firefly, I had a BMX 5 years ago, no recon, and am recently widowed. I am also the same age as you. Right now, I can't imagine being in an intimate situation with a man ever again. However, I have read plenty of stories here over the years of women finding sex partners after a mastectomy, with or without reconstruction.
I have looked at the before/afters on many PS sites, and I have not been impressed. The ones that look good are typically done after skin-sparing MX, but once you get to the stage 3 dxs with radiation etc, the results tend to be less than stellar.
In the end, it is mostly a matter of attitude, I think. I remeber one woman here explaining how she got beatiful lingerie, and wore it with he prosthetics during sex. A good time was had by all. If you really want it, you will find a way that works for you and your partner.
Now, apart from all the cancer-relates challenges, I realized that I am just not interested in pot-bellied 65-yos
who are the demographic most likely to pursue me. So if I can't find a hot 40-something with 6-pack abs, I plan to skip that particular exercise for now. ;0 -
Momine, that made me laugh. Can't believe I am as old as I am (57) and the thought of pursuing an "age-appropriate" dude (which in my big city location would be 80 and up) just makes me smile. Not to say that Firefly and anyone else ready to try can't find a fine partner. There's a lid for every pot, and the internet helps a lot in finding it!
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Dear Firefly, the short answer in my experience to your initial question is yes a man will accept you sexually. Pretty much all of the points that I would have attempted to make have being made very well in the responses you've gotten so far. I do think a lot of what you're feeling right now is post-traumatic stress from everything you've gone through. My experience doesn't seem to have been as dire as yours has been so far. As whiney as I can get about the whole thing my Medical Care has being for the most part top notch and very swift. There are a few wrinkles that have to be worked out and there's a pun intended there but it would take explanation. Your problems with lack of support are your first problems right now. I wish we lived closer unfortunately I'm on the East Coast. Halifax has a lot of support that you could tap into if you were here. Otherwise you've found the right place online to get the best information about you're cancer and potentially your reconstruction. Which by the way I hope you don't give up on because I'm in the middle of my reconstruction and it is absolutely all covered financially and for the rest of your life. I was a assured from the beginning by every doctor, surgeon, nurse, and administrator that I have come in contact with since my diagnosis in March that all aspects of reconstruction, going forward infinitely, are covered.
Stay in the game.... best regards.
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I'm happily married for 25 years (second marriage for both). I had a lumpectomy with recon, which I am fairly satisfied with. I have massive scars from two hip replacements, an appendectomy, and of course the lump. IF my DH passes before me, he is 74, I am 67, I can't imagine ever looking for a sex partner again. I have NO desire to explain my deformed body to anyone except a physician. That said, yes, there are men who will accept your situation. Whether you really want a particular man is another question. Don't lower your standards and date a man just because they are ok with your mastectomy. You still deserve the BEST!
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Bosum, don't know your age, but I am 67. DH is in good shape at 74, and could have another productive 20 years. I don't think at 87 I will be looking for sex partners, lol. Our sex life now is great, btw.
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Bosum, I've been on one or another estrogen blockers for almost five years, and that's not an issue. When I was on Effexor, it was. But I have been off Effexor for 3 years.
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Dear girls, especially on Tamoxifen oyr sex life could be great. You know this medicine was designed for being like pills for avoiding a pregnancy. Considering the estrogenic effect of Tam on the vagina and uterus, we could feel blessed with a good libido. This was my case.And especially on Nolvadex, the original Tam .And it was recommended for ovarian stimulation, too, wich mean more estrogen, wich is gold for our sex life.
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I right away put in a dating profile that I had breast cancer and lost my boobs. As well as putting in that I had cerebral palsy and scoliosis.
Don't lose hope. It can happen and you're not alone.
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I can completely relate to all you say! I am not a cute skinny chick and my hair did not come back from the taxotere. My breasts were reconstructed. Multiple men have told me how ugly I am without hair and then there are the health issues so I am not perfect! I have accepted that I will never feel the touch of a man again!
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can you please inform where I can find the single mastectomy group? I am also have doubts about dating and relationships after mastectomy. Thank you
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My husband left me 1 month before my dx. I'm still in the beginning of my treatment and facing all this stuff alone. I can't imagine falling in love again. I'm 47. In fact, I can't imagine how my future will be
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Chiliyan - We want to welcome you to our community here at BCO. We're sorry for what brings you here, but we're glad you've joined us!
This thread where you've posted is a bit old, so feel free to start your own new topic to get more attention and feedback from other active members. Also, in the following forum you may find other ladies who have had single mastectomy: Forum: Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy. Even so, you can also start you own new topic if you want to start a group. Let us know if you need help with that!
Best wishes,
From the Mods
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