when your loved one refuses chemotherapy
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Hmmm..... How will you explain the Xgeva to her? It's not for liver mets..... Honestly, you need to tell her about the bone mets as well. Bone mets weaken the bones, and she will be more likely to suffer from fractures. If she knows about the bone mets, she might at least try to be more careful when exercising/walking/hiking so she doesn't break any bones.
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The patient needs her DOCTOR to tell her, thoroughly and in layperson's terms, EXACTLY what is going on. The daughter shouldn't be doing anything except offering moral support and other practical assistance IF it's needed. I'm 70, and I swear, if my son tried to make medical decisions for me, he'd be picking his teeth up off the floor. As would any doctor who tried to communicate with my family before telling ME what's going on.
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I agree with Alice & Melissa, etc. It's your Mom's life. It's your Mom's cancer. The doc should tell her exactly what's going on. If she decides to lie down and die at that point, that is also HER choice - not yours. I understand you will miss her and want her to live - but it is HER CHOICE.
Sounds to me like she has refused treatment all along - so the decision was really made a year ago. Maybe she's preparing in her mind to die and doesn't want anymore facts. Let her BE. If she wants to go forward and not think about it - don't talk about it. Let her enjoy what life she has left and enjoy being with her. Someone mentioned pain management and that would be a smart thing to consider for the future.
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I have followed this thread from the beginning and I have to say that this is NOT about your mother, it is all about YOU. Its about Your Feelings and probably not wanting to have these feelings. I repeat, it is not about your mother. Your unwillingness to face this is placing yourself in the place of playing God. This is not right, it's not fair and reduces your mother to a thing.
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Anijet, I haven't commented since you've returned with the sad news that your mother has been diagnosed with mets.
I'm so sorry. Given how quickly the mets was discovered after her original diagnosis, it's pretty safe to assume that even if she'd agreed to more treatment originally, this probably could not have been avoided. No doubt the mets was present but just not discovered when she was first diagnosed.
Reading the other comments, and thinking about my own reaction to what you've been saying (and in fact the reason I haven't posted up till now), I suspect the reason you are seeing some very strong reactions is because most of us commenting here are close to your mother's age. We are her peers, and we can't imagine not being told the truth about our health. We can't imagine someone sneaking treatments on us, against our will. We all understand our diagnoses, our prognoses and we talk to our doctors and make our own treatment decisions. Your mother is 72 and by all accounts, of sound mind. Is there any reason why she is different than any of us?
I appreciate your concern about how she may react. The fact is that everyone reacts differently to bad health news. Some people want all the information, want input and advice from others, and want to do every treatment possible. Others get very upset and may lash out or shun other people. Some get depressed and might want to bury their heads in the sand and ignore the problem. I'm sure there are a dozen other ways that people may react to the type of health news facing your mother. What all of us here are saying, as your mother's peers, is that everyone has a right to know their health information, and we all have a right to react and handle it in the way we choose. Not giving someone critical information about their health because of how they might react is unfathomable. Of course for you, knowing what your mother's reaction will be, and having to deal with your mother as she deals with this, this isn't easy and it will become harder once she knows. That's unfortunate, but it's not a relevant factor in this situation. It's your mother's life and she has a right to know, a right to make her own decisions, and a right to react as she chooses.
I agree with the others who've said that it should be her doctor who provides her with the full detail about her condition, the prognosis, the treatment options and what benefit and risks/side effects those treatments may have.
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As someone who just started XGEVA, I would not recommend trying to sneak it into her. It's an injection every 4 weeks.
Have her doctor tell her the truth. If you're afraid of her kicking your ass if she has side effects, then it would be worse if she learns the reason after the injections.
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Giving her treatments without her knowledge/consent is elder abuse.
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First off alI thank you everyone for precious advices.
Here is an update: my Mom was told the whole truth and she still refuses treatment and as soon as she was informed about everything, her whole body started to hurt, a couple of days before she really had a hip pain, but she thought that it was just a muscle strain, now all her bones, stomach, kidneys and all body hurts,she lies on the bed all day and she is not going to get up, she cries all the time.
Until the day she was told the truth, she felt fine, spent a great timewith friends in a restaurant, and even danced a slow dance.
This is what i was afraid.Her reaction was very bad, but predictable, sometimes a person (like my Mom) who is unaware of the whole truth can live carefree and happy, but now she is thinking only about death and pain. I understand that this is her choice and she should have known the truth, but this truth will accelerate her death,but now unfortunately nothing can be changed. This is end
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anijet,
I am so sorry that your mom has had the reaction you dreaded. I know this must be painful for you but you did the right thing by treating her like the adult she is. You have no control over her reactions. Since her reactions are extreme, and not typical of how adults handle things, would she consider seeing a therapist who specializes in working with cancer patients? No one knows how the course of her bc will unfold but with help, she may have more good times ahead of her than she believes. In the end, she is the decision maker so it may be very valuable for her to explore why she is making certain decisions.Wishing you both the best
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Actually, Anijet, I hope you will consider therapy for yourself. This sounds like a wretched situation all the way around and I can only imagine how hard this is on you.
Please consider therapy for you.
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It's still about her and the pain is her acceptance of death. I wouldn't be able to justify truth of my own existence and then blaming such a truth.
You may think this is the end, and I doubt you would come back and tell us she got up out of bed and actually had a good day? She very well may. I haven't read this whole thread so I don't know if there is Hospice where you live. Clearly they should be on board as they can help her through the transition WITHOUT A TIME LIMIT!!! It's going to happen when it happens.
I am really sorry about your Mom and hope you can also come to an acceptance of her wishes. My husband is currently doing treatment and I had to keep my mouth SHUT as to what he decided for his treatment. He is going to die no matter if he takes treatment, or if he doesn't. Totally his choice. I do understand the feeling that you are doing the right thing for her and trying to save her. It simply isn't true. Be thankful she has lived a whole decade longer than my husband probably will. Peace be with you.
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I too hope YOU will search out therapy for YOU. That's maybe the most important thing first.
I think the hospice idea is great for your Mom. You'd be surprised what a disinterested third party can accomplish with stubborn seniors. You must know in your heart she had to be aware of the seriousness of the diagnosis since she refused all treatment. But at least get her on some medication for depression & anxiety. It's not necessary for her to lie there & cry. And some medication for pain.
Where do you live? If it's not the US, do have access to Hospice?
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Anijet, if you read this board, you will find that there are many women who have a strong reaction upon hearing that they have breast cancer, even an early stage breast cancer. Some women become terribly depressed. Some women curl up in bed for a while. Many if not most women start experiencing all sorts of aches and pains, and worry that these aches are signs of metastastic cancer.
So to me, your mother's reaction to hearing the specifics of her metastatic diagnosis, while not how everyone reacts, doesn't sound particularly odd or unusual. To ctmbsikia's comment, given time, your mother might very well get up, have a good day and enjoy herself. Whatever happens, hopefully she will come to terms with her diagnosis. And hopefully you will come to terms with how she chooses to live her life with this metastatic diagnosis, whether she seeks treatment or not. It's a difficult situation for you both.
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