What you wish your friends knew
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We really appreciate this thread. Thanks for all sharing here.
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moth, I agree with you. I have friends who have chosen not to be vaccinated. I'm finishing up some training with my replacement at a job I've been doing for our church. One woman came over and wanted to know if she could take her mask off. I asked her if she was vaccinated. I could tell she wasn't comfortable telling me that she wasn't, but hey, this is MY house, MY health and MY decision as to what exposure I want. I feel like putting a sign on my door that says, "If you are sick, please DO NOT come into my house. If you are not vaccinated and want to come into my house, you MUST wear a mask while inside."
My home - my decision. Am hearing about a few family members and friends who have colds right now. I can't afford to get one. I feel like I've been more tired lately. Slept in this morning past my usually wakeup time of 6:30-ish. My temp was 98.9 - it's usually 97-ish. Not a big deal, but it's up for me, and I need to keep a eye on it and protect myself.
Am hoping I didn't make a mistake traveling to see family this past weekend. None of us were wearing masks, but I felt like that was OK, I hope I wasn't wrong...
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Sunshine, definitely your rules in your house! Put that sign up!
People seem to want to tell me, "I got my mammogram because of you", and then tell me their results were clear. I refrain from saying my own mammogram results were clear one year before my diagnosis. Would love for friends to understand that I did keep up on my recommended scans and yet still developed cancer.
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SF-Cakes- my mammograms and ultrasounds were always normal, and even breast MRI didn't show much- I had it after a biopsy of a lump.
I always feel weird when people tell me their mammograms were normal so ignoring their lumps or that their biopsy just showed atypical so they are good. I just say- please keep following up- I don't want to say that nothing showed up for me- they even said I didn't need the biopsy, but, could have one if lump didn't disappear.
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To All: haven't visited this site for ages.
I am with moth. If you are not vaccinated you have to wear a mask around me, outdoors. No coming in.
I had a totally clear mammo the year before my MBC DX. Dense tissues. I should have had an ultrasound. My MO figures the tumour was much older than one year, it just took that long to be felt.
I felt a little dismissed or diminished or whatever when I wrote to friends about my DX. Most wrote back about being "shocked' "sorry" even "how devastating for you and Bob" One replied with "So - what's on you bucket list?" And that was all she wrote WTF? I have just been told I have a terminal disease. Oh my! Better get to Petra before I am dead. I wrote back saying "Staying alive" as what was on my bucket list. One friend came over and weeded and prepped my veggie patch and cleaned my bird feeders. She came back regularly to weed and to clean the feeders. I didn't ask, she just came. Another drove in from out of town with a bunch of frozen meals in case I was too tired and sick to cook. Bless her heart, she didn't want to overstay her visit in case she exhausted me. She brought me about a week's worth so maybe that is how long she thought I had left.
Covid got in the way of my normal socializing, which isn't a lot. Since I am not doing Taxol anymore I am not at the same risk for infections but Covid aside - it would be nice to have someone else still clean the feeders. :-)
Sunshine: were all of your family vaccinated?
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Elderberry, everyone in my family has been vaccinated. My neighbors have, too. Last night we had an outdoor birthday celebration for a neighbor. It was SO great to be together again.
Sadly, there is a pretty significant group at our church who have chosen not to get the vaccine. We won't be going back any time soon. We watch the services on You Tube. We're a very small congregation, but I still choose not to be inside with the worship leaders singing from the front when they are unvaccinated. If any of them want to visit, it is on our front porch where we can sit 6 feet away from them.
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What I wish my friends knew... They need to find someone else to call and whine to for hours about their problems. I am not their free therapist just because I'm not working! I guess I never realized I know so many messy people. Stop cheating on your husbands, go get some exercise and fresh air, quit trying to help people who don't appreciate it, tell your loved ones what you want and don't want, write your novel, and go on that trip. Life is short, peeps. Don't waste any of my time or yours complaining instead of doing.
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This is excellent, NIneTwelve. Now all you need to do is record it on your voice mail/answering machine!
"Stop cheating on your husbands, go get some exercise and fresh air, quit trying to help people who don't appreciate it, tell your loved ones what you want and don't want, write your novel, and go on that trip. Life is short, peeps. Don't waste any of my time or yours complaining instead of doing."
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ninetwelve and SP- so true. I once called someone when I was still working and her voicemail said “ I am making a lot of changes in my life - if I don't call you back, you are one of the changes"
Although they say pain is pain- I just wish some folks could move on to a good place in their pwrspecor as Ted lasso show- “football is life, football is death, football is football, but, mostly football is life “
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couldn’t edit so * perspective was the word
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Well said NineTwelve!
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NineTwelve,
I love what you said! I feel this way so much. I’m so happy to be alive and kicking, that I can’t handle the complainers very well. I’m living 3 months at a time here peeps, and relishing every semi normal day I can get. I have started telling people what I really think (usually in a loving but very direct, if not sometimes frustrated way!)
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Shetland Pony - Now all I need to do is read it to myself! (As I complain to other cancer patients about my friends. Sorry, everyone!)
Nkb, that is one brave voicemail outgoing message. I could see myself leaving the "football is life" quote on there, though. I've been telling myself "chemo is life," but Lasso's wisdom is more upbeat.
Kikomoon, yes, life is pretty good when I'm not in pain and not struggling to empathize over the phone about a situation that could (in my mind) easily be cleared up now and completely avoided in future.
I'm putting my affairs in order, finally, after 7 years of cancer, and I am going to screen my calls, roll up these sleeves and get those papers sorted and that mortuary contacted. Cuz life is short and I don't want these things hanging over my head anymore.
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What I wish my friends and family know about Stage IV breast cancer. I want you to know that it’s okay to talk about “It.” So many people are fearful of stirring up emotions or of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all, and that silence is deafeningly painful. There is no perfect response, only perfectly expressed feelings said out of love and concern.
Also, in addition to what I wish others knew, I must add what I wish I had known…. I wish someone would have prepared me for the roller coaster of emotions that flare up when you think all is smooth sailing. That just when you think you have a grip on your sadness, denial jumps in to take its place. And then anger comes along, and so on. I also wish someone had prepared me for the unending comfort I would inevitably be giving to my loved ones when sharing the diagnosis. Just when I needed a hug or comfort the most, I found myself exhausted, emotionally drained, because I felt the need to reassure my loved ones. Educate my loved ones. Smile for my loved ones…. To spare their feelings. Why are there not more educational resources for friends and family members of mBC patients
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cancerchic- besides all the reassuring I needed to do, I also noticed that my experiences were “ triggering” other people’s sadness over other people they loved and lost and what they had been through.
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CancerChic, first, welcome.
Second, you know it! We're trying to cover all topics that could be helpful to someone with MBC. Feel free to write us with your input. Sorry you had to join us, but thank you for sharing.
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