Im not on a "journey" and Im not a "warrior." Who is with me?
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A dear friend who ENDURED ovarian cancer for over ten years made the decision, with her doctors, to quit treatment last year, after playing what she referred to as non-stop Whack-a-Mole for the last few years. The first thing she did was wolf down a cheesecake. The second thing she did was shop for lobster. She did not lose any damn battle.
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Gracie with numbers in your name, your post is amazing! I totally love your attitude and am very proud of you for embracing your “inner self”!
Alice, thank you for sharing your friend’s story,
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GR4C1E, this cracked me up, and I love it: The other day my BFF said: "When did you get so obnoxious?" I said; "Well, I was going for a$hole."
Forgot to add: Divine, you've given me a new mantra: Never Turn Down That Turnover. I'm going to my local bakery RIGHT NOW, while repeating this in my head!
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GR4C1E - I love it! I've taken on the same attitude, but instead of a$$hole, my BF started calling me Bad B!tc# (my apologies if that offends anyone). I, like you, became tired of those cheerleader friends that were only ever around when I was feeling better, or when they needed their ego boosted and did so by coming and thinking they were doing good by/for me. I really had to weed out quite a few people, including family members. The F-bomb too became a regular part of my vocabulary, I use it regularly with no "effs" given (well that's not true as I am respectful of others, but I think you know what I mean).
Divine - I'm with you, I'm going to go get me a cupcake! I've changed my eating habits, I've exercised and all for what?! My profile below doesn't reflect it, but I had my exchange to implants last week. At my pre-op visit two days ago I was informed that my cancer was back. So screw it, it's cupcakes for dinner for me today.
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Ivy, lol, I have this pin on my purse. I think you need one too 😁.
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illimae - YES!! Lol, I def need to get me one! Thanks for sharing!
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SFCakes and Ivy, your turnover comments immediately made me think of the dance/hip hop song “Turn Down For What?!" It's not a genre of music I usually listen to but the song has crossover appeal and was popular around 2013. The original video is a bit much, but a few years later on Dancing With the Stars, Alfonso Riberio (Carlton on the show Fresh Prince of Bellaire) danced a paso doble with two dance partners to the song, getting a perfect score from the judges. Those are the only lyrics in the song, btw: “Turn down for what?!" Very catchy. Fun to watch:
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Ivy, I am sorry to hear your cancer is back. Even the Baddest Beeyotch is knocked flat with that news. I hate that this happens.
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Divine - "Turn Down for What" is on my walking playlist, it really is a fun song beat-wise.
runor - yea, this Bad B!tc# is in a daze. I feel like I'm in a funhouse tunnel. Can't stop crying, it's all so overwhelming. And then the wait until Monday to have to get scans and then Wednesday to actually find out the results. I am grateful that they're working so quickly to get me in, but it certainly does not take away the anger and fear that I'm feeling right now.
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Ivy, I’m sorry that you’re going through all that and I wish you the very best. (((Hugs)))
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I totally hate those words, your journey, you are a warrior and now a surivior. I tried very hard to keep what I went through private. heck my own mother and inlaws don't know nor will I tell them. I am just a person who got the drew the short stick and did what I had to get better and scared out of my mind when I am about to going for my annual check ups. Don't want people feeling sorry for me and hate those damn pink ribbons..... everyone has to process what they are going through differently, some love attention but not me..
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Chiming in - A colleague, when I told her about my cancer, told me a long story about a friend of hers who "fought cancer and won" - she was brave, she was strong, etc. I know she was trying to be positive/encouraging, but shit! It didn't help at all. the feeling I had was - bully for her! I'm not feeling brave OR strong, so I guess I'll just die?
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You don't have to be brave, or strong , or positive, tinkerbell65. You just have to show up. Head down, one foot in front of the other. Everything else is just window dressing.
Trish
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I had a scare 7 years before I was diagnosed and a guy friend of mine said "you'll be fine, my mother had breast cancer in the 70's and she is still cancer free!" My entire life I've been super healthy, no issues, barely any cavities, and I was ill prepared to fear breast cancer, so all I could think was, "that doesn't help me!" When I was diagnosed, my boss said "you're so brave, I'd be on the couch curled up in a ball crying". If a wuss like me can do it, anyone can for God's sake.
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I'm constantly hearing those words: warrior, brave, survivor in relation to my first diagnosis (3/2020), those words did/do not help me at all, but I just stay quiet and smile because I know people mean well. I get it, they just don't know what else to say. Probably why I waited until I was done with treatment and my exchange surgery and moving on, so I thought, before letting others know about my bc; that was on July 10th. Diagnosed again on July 14th! The few people that do know have started their pep talks, and even though they are appreciated, I hate them. I'm angry, scared and ashamed (ashamed, really? I know it's silly, but it truly is something I'm feeling). I had less then four days with a sense of relief to then be hit with those gut-wrenching words "the breast cancer is back." I'm not even a year out of my last chemo! Little did I know it was already back in Feb. and we just thought it was blemish. This literally is a shit-show! Yes, I've already been through it, but I can't say I beat it because the beast decided to stick around attack again. Will I fight? Yes, I'll put my all into it again, but I'm not sure that the brave face I put-on the first time around is accompanying.
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@moochipie I 100% agree. In addition I hate the pink stuff, I hate the "save the tatas" stuff and terms like fighting, battling, warrior, etc. It just isn't for me. I am ill, wounded and in treatment. I am following doctors' guidance and doing my best to manage pain, anxiety, trauma and lack of control. Cancer isn't a thing apart from me- it was manifested by me- inside of me/it is me as much as all the other cells in my body. Like many other illnesses, it is one that causes damage. It isn't a game that we win. None of us "win" and those who don't make it are no less tough, strong, warrior-like than any of those who do make it long term. Maybe the "cheese" of it all is good for awareness. But I don't find it helpful for me as a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient in treatment. (DMX 07-28-2021)
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@Ivy09 I am so sorry about the 07/14 diagnosis. I appreciate your post and your reference to shame. It is something that I think we do not talk about enough. Of course, there is no shame in illness and it can happen to anyone for any number of reasons, but that doesn't make it feel any better or worse. I find that writing this stuff out and saying it to "the world"- even if it is only an online anonymous community helps. And your words helped me today. I hope they helped you as well.
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Barbojoy - thank you! It did help to get it "out there." And I agree with you about feeling shame, not sure why it's an emotion I feel, but it is. I'm glad I could help you feel better, it made my day. My best to you!
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Ivy, before cancer I knew nothing about it. I had all these valiant thoughts in my head about how I would face it if it ever happened to me, which it never would, because cancer happens to other people, but still, let's say it did happen to me, I'd be so cool about it. Well, now I know more than I ever wanted to know. I read you stats. Triple negative. And I said , fuck. And now they found more. Fuck. I am so sick of this filthy disease. I am so sorry.
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runor - fuck is exactly right! I hate it with every ounce of my being. I try not to give it the attention it does not deserve, but it’s impossible! It’s 24/7 of cancer on my brain and I don’t know how to turn it off. I too use to think that IF I ever was diagnosed with it I’d be the one who wears the pretty scarves when I lost all my beautiful hair; that I’d do my make up and look good all the time, I’ll have the girls removed if necessary and rock whatever the outcome was; I wouldn’t give it the benefit of taking over me, mind or body. Ha, that was all such crap. I tolerated and did what I had to do so it couldn’t take over the rest of my life and send me down a dark path, but this one…she’s a bitch and I hate her!
Funny how towards the end of the above rant, I associated my cancer with being female, hope it doesn’t offend anyone.
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Today is my roller skating fund raiser for...Pink Warrior House. They are such an amazing resource for my community that I bit the bullet and chose them as the recipient of the money raised. I won't express my annoyance with the name to the founder. Heck, in spite of it I sat here last night and made pink ribbon skate charms. I cursed and ranted in my head the whole time, and could only bring myself to make a few. I thought I could give them to PWH to give to anyone in treatment, or post treatment. I hate that everyone coming to show support expects to see the damn things. They just look like a noose to me.
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Wow - You guys are cracking me up. Fuck Cancer! I'm so glad I joined here, and that it's not just a touchy-feely positive outlook forum. I'm faking being happy and positive at work. Once I'm off work, I'm being more honest about my feelings.
So - I've never been a huge fan of pink ribbons to support breast cancer. I thought companies just used them to make money. YOu know, pink ribbon-shaped cookies and bagels and pink ribbons on cosmetics. How does that help? Now that I have BC, am I supposed to embrace the ribbons? People here seem to be negative toward them - can I ask why? No judgement, I just want to know.
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tinkerbell,
Some, not all, of the companies which sell pink merchandise in October do donate a portion of the sales to cancer/bc research and organizations. Some do not and simply make a profit off of those pink trinkets. My personal reason for dissing the pink is that it infantilizes bc with pink boas, tutus or sexualizes it with “Save the tatas” etc. Do we do similar things with testicular cancer or other cancers? No, but because we are talking about breasts, we take the giggly middle school approach.
Additionally the “pink” campaigns tend to focus almost exclusively on awareness and early detection but put little emphasis on cure and stage IV. Mortality rates for stage IV have changed very little over the past 30 years. Early detection is good but it hasn’t lowered the mortality rate for those with stage IV. The “pinking” of bc has been so successful that many people believe that hardly anyone dies from bc and that it is easily treatable. That is simply not true.
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exbrnxgrl,
Thank you for your reply. It makes a lot of sense. I worked at an office years ago, where one woman wanted all the women to get a pink streak in their hair, in October, "for breast cancer." I declined. my hair color is my business, and pink is not a color I would put in it. I've just always felt that kind of thing was fake and not helpful at all. I am 65, and I can count on one hand the items of pink clothing I have owned.
Now that I am among those who HAVE breast cancer, I thought I might feel different. But no - I have CANCER. I need treatment, I need insurance that will cover all the tests and treatments without sending it back to me "denied" because the CPT code is wrong. I need compassion and for people to allow me to be crabby. Maybe I need marijuana or tequila or something to make me feel better, or some good Netflix movies to take my mind off of it. Or maybe chocolate. But nothing with pink ribbons will make me feel any better.
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Ah, Tinkerbelle, you’re going to get along just fine here!
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tinferbell65. PINK RIBBONS. Don''t get me started on them. On the other hand, do get me started;
Each year, the month of October sees the Pink Charities appear with their fundraising campaigns, very often based around community events. As a man with breast cancer, I've often been asked to talk about the chances men have getting this genderless disease. At each event, I have had women and men come up to me and say, I never knew men could get breast cancer. This got me thinking, why, after over 30 years of awareness raising for women's breast cancer, have we not put the message out there that men can get the disease too. And my Stage IV sisters all tell me that October for them is a crass and derogatory exercise. I've decided there are a few reasons for this. First, the emphasis on the color pink, used extensively is all promotional materials, means that men are blindsided from coming up with a probable breast cancer diagnosis of a lump behind their nipple.
Breast Cancer charities very often sexualise the disease. I'm sure it's because fundraising efforts are more successful if the sexual nature of breasts is part of the advertising. We're all familiar with pretty crass breast cancer awareness slogans such as Save Second base and Booze for Boobs. Then there's the very poor taste Save The Ta-Tas. Men don't have Ta-Tas, and de novo Stage IV women, don't generally have mastectomies. Women are more than their breasts, and men are certainly not the owners of sexy breasts.
Then, there's the commercialisation of breast cancer. There's barely a product that doesn't turn pink in October. There's also the issue of how much of the pink dollar actually gets to the breast cancer charity. As well, what percentage of the amount collected goes to breast cancer research after subtracting the marketing and administration costs? In many cases it's as little as 25 cents in the dollar.
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Well said, Traveltext. I always appreciate your posts.
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Also love your post, Traveltext!
My take on the pink crap - people called me Warrior Princess when I only had stage 2b cancer and gave me pink ribbons, buttons, car decals, scarves, etc (all of which I donated to the thrift store) and they all assumed/expected that I would "beat this", "you got this", "cancer doesn't know who it's up against"...because that is the pink narrative. I also assumed I would go into remission, everyone was telling me so.
When I very very quickly became stage 4, some people literally stopped talking to me. The cognitive dissonance is too much for some, stage 4 MBC directly contradicts all the pink sayings. It's hard not to personalize when people stop talking to me, like it's my fault my breast cancer metastasized. I think some folks genuinely think that, and I blame the pink bs.
Tinkerbell, marijuana and tequila, that's more like it.
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Tinkerbell, you will fit in marvelously here, in the Steam room, and in the Pinktober threads. May I suggest weed brownies dunked in tequila to include all the good things in life?
I'm an outlier weirdo who collects stage 1 cancers. So not a big deal individually, but the cumulative mental and physical effect is exhausting. But because they've all been what people see as lightweight, I'm supposed to be chipper and over it. It gets harder all the time while I wait for the next vulture to land in my head.
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SF-cakes,
It is astounding that pink culture has done such a great job of awareness/early detection that far too many believe that bc is not ever fatal anymore or if you become stage IV you didn't fight hard enough or you did something wrong. Such a false picture of this disease!
Weed and tequila… I'll skip the tequila but am eternally grateful to be living in a legal state!
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