Not mentally well- how to deal with the stress
This week, while getting one of my infusions, I was in so much pain that I asked the nurse if she knew if euthanasia waa legal in the current state. She responded that it's not and walked away. Ended up having a private conversation with the head nurse. I apologized about my comments because I freaked out that nurse. Got into huge fight with spouse about not doing everything I can to fight the disease (not exercising, skipping supplements, no bucket list made, no decision on where to move, etc). I told him I was tired from the prescribed injections I am giving myself. Had a mental breakdown because I wasn't ready to talk about such topics with him. The 2+ years of twice weekly infusions, radiation treatments and stress related to work are taking a toll on me. I can't focus on living in the present when U am constantly in pain. I dread getting my infusions and cry when getting them. Is it possible I am getting PTSD? All I want to do is to be left alone
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You are absolutely not alone. I didn’t cry at my last infusion but the one before I cried the entire time all afternoon. I kept telling them that I’m just tired! I’m tired of doing this!
There is one nurse practitioner that I see and nobody is really that pleasant, TBH but twice I’ve talked to her recently and said look what about hospice care or palliative care or something because I can’t get the medication that I need, I’m in pain and I’m sick and tired of doing this.
Both times she told me that it wasn’t yet time and that I was cutting myself short, so to speak. I’m here at wow almost 6 AM feeling nauseous and nervous and in pain so it’s difficult to say this right now but I thanked her the last time I saw her.
Right now I don’t really know what I thanked her for but I think it’s because I don’t know anything well except that I can die at any moment which is a tremendous burden. It is so easy for people to say live like you’re dying, heh. Yeah enjoy every last minute. WTF!! Seriously, WTF! I don’t even know what to say to that.
I will say it’s really tough when people accidentally guilt us because when I found out I needed brain surgery and my surgical oncologist had told me that as long as it’s not in the brain bones or the blood, we can cut it out - but if it reaches those places then you are screwed. I recall well, I shut my phone off for eight months after I insisted upon getting some kind of timeline of how long I would live with or without surgery. I got a call and was told by a nurse that without surgery I wouldn’t make it three months and with surgery they had a really good feeling about me that I would make it six or maybe even seven months. This was several years ago.
What I mean about guilting us is that I talked to my father who lives eight hours away before I shut my phone off completely convinced that there wasn’t any difference at that time in three or six months and that I was going to just sit there and die. When I talked to him I said that I wasn’t going to have brain surgery and he started crying. You know, he’s a tough guy who never apologizes and never cries ever at least that I’ve ever seen or heard. He cried because he said I was quitting. I felt like - I have tears in my eyes right now - that was so unfair - to make me feel guilty about my dying.
He has said some really callous things and I’m not sure he even realizes it. He has said much worse than that because that I guess, is understandable from someone else’s point of view. I mean he has said things that make me feel like will he be able to get money back after I die like from my vehicle… These are things that I need to deal with because I still don’t know how to feel about some of that stuff.
I don’t think anyone can relate to that exact feeling of being made to feel guilty about being sick or especially about dying. By that I mean I think only we - as people in thi situation - can even begin to relate. Gosh I feel so sick right now.
I apologize that I don’t have something more positive to say. I feel like I should say something positive but I don’t feel it. I would think some kind of relief would be great like some verbal reassurance and I wish I could give it to you. I definitely understand.
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Purple-y, I had recently on May zoom 1.5 hr appointment with cancer center psychiatrist, ended up with anti depressant medications & ativan & it is making a difference. I might also talk more with a psychologist on top of the psychiatrist appt - still thinking about it
I was actually physically extremely liver met ill & in danger that started in may. jus think the psych meds helped me get through it a lot.
I'm wondering if this might be a very good thing to change things for you.
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I am already on anti-depressants as well as anti-anxiety medication. I've done therapy when I first got diagnosed but it wasn't helping. She was not experienced in dealing with cancer patients. I am already on 20+ pills daily on top of thr IVs and injections so I am reluctant to add more to my arsenal.
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Wow. I did not know accidentally guilt tripping some one about dying was a thing. My spouse lost his mother to cancer last year, so seeing me go through hell is breaking him. I don't blame him for being upset. He is doing everything he can to help me stay alive. All I could do is to act as healthy as possible for his sake because my family doesn't know I my cancer came back. So he is all I have in this goddamed nightmare.
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