FML - ready to throw in the towel
I feel burned out by the bi-weekly infusions, fatigue and stress from this fucking disease. I get anxiety and cry at every needle prod. Being on medically induced menopause changed my personality. I am so depressed that I can no longer be reliable to go to my appointments on time. I am losing the desire to work out. Last week I got injured doing yoga. All of this bullshit is taking a toll on me and on my marriage. I just want to sleep on my days off. I wish I had better meds that would give me more energy. My tumor markers are going down. This disease is ruining my life. Just want to eat Chinese food all day and play Skyrim. I feel I have no energy for relationships at all. Hubby can't understand I am just tired of everything and want to be left alone. I started therapy, but I need help with my medication. My marriage is going down the drain. I an praying my husband can wise up and dump my ass so he can get a happier, healthier wife/girlfriend.
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I am glad that you are receiving therapy and hopefully they can get your meds where they can help you as well. I had to have a hysterectomy my first go around with breast cancer in my 40s (I was stage 2B in 2010). It is pretty tough having the instant menopause. The hormonal roller coaster can be impacting you pretty hard with the instant menopause and the changes brought about from medicine/treatment we receive for cancer treatment along with being a stage 4 cancer patient add to our stress, anxiety, fatigue, pain, etc. Hang in there. There are a lot of us here to support you! Perhaps it would be good for your husband to be in a cancer support group and/or to join the one on this site so he can better understand what you are going through. I find that people don't understand what the fatigue is really like if they have not experienced fatigue themselves. I have tried to explain to friends that the tiredness they feel when they have gone full tilt doing something all weekend long and just fall into bed on a Sunday night is still not fatigue. I remember sometimes in my treatment where I literally just took a shower in the morning and had to go back to bed. Be kind to yourself and allow your body to rest.
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as cowgirl says- hang in there- I don't know what your treatment is- sudden menopause is really awful- I wouldn't want hubby to leave you- but, I realize that he can't relate at all- he lost something too (his healthy wife) and he probably has no idea how to help you- perhaps therapy together? I know when I was going through something rough, my hubby would say, but, you're not alone- I am here. I finally said- "being here" is not the same as having poison infused, getting PETs, radiation, menopause, labs, fatigue. it doesn't balance the scale- I am actually going through it. It did help him to have that discussion. Some things can be helped by meds, like pain, anxiety, I have heard of some people using Ritalin for fatigue- I feel lots better after a cup of coffee and a walk.
Hugs and compassion to you
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thanks cowgirl! I will start therapy (again) this week. But I feel I need an adjustment to my meds. I felt anger towards my oncologist after being on one of his "fatigue-fighting" treatments that did the opposite for me. My hubby does not want to do therapy and frankly, he's right. I won't blame him if he throws in the towel too. My illness has been stress-inducing to the point of tears. I can't keep promises of doing things because every lab test makes my doctors start new treatments that chain me to go in weekly and not allow me to do anything fun.
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lotusnoiramethyst,
I've been on therapy every 3-4 months since my MBC diagnosis and it's definitely been helpful. The visits are video and my husband is usually sitting in the same room so he hears what my therapist and I talk about and I think that's been helpful to him.
I had a particularly bad stretch of time when I was on Verzenio - crying all the time. I read that low B12 can result in depression, so I asked my Primary to check my B12 level and it was low. This surprised me as I'm a meat eater, but I think the episodes of diarrhea from Verzenio was a factor. My Primary also said that as we age we absorb less and I would guess this illness and all the meds might also be a factor. So I started a B12 supplement (sublingual version by Superior Source to assure absorption) and once my level was back in normal range I felt better. You may want to have your Vit B12 level checked?
The subject of taking an anti-depressant came up when I was gong through that bad stretch, but I was not interested. I did however start taking GABA (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid) which "functions as a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system, playing an important role in regulating brain activity and muscle tone. May assist in attaining good sleep and reduce stress." I get the 100mg sublingual version by SuperiorSource from Amazon. I've been pleasantly surprised by the subtle calming effect it has had. I don't feel medicated, just a bit calmer and less reactive.
Here' another hug,
Wendy
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