Feeling close to being back...
Over the years things pop up and I run to the doctor. Thankfully, nothing has turned out to be anything.
Go for my annual ROUTINE mammo on Monday. Its always diagnostic...and I was waiting longer than normal. Told my self they were busy. Then the lady walks in and says follow me we are doing an ultrasound. I stared at her...."for real". "Yes, follow me." In all the crap I never felt like running and hiding until then, I ran head on ready to fight the battle before. Today....I think I can honestly say it was the first time I felt PTSD emotions.
I couldn't even look at the screen, I just looked at the wall and felt myself moving into my "protection" mode. My protection mode is to make jokes, and small talk, take it away from me and on you. She was a lovely lady and I know all about her now, her kids, family, and how long she has been here. Focus on making your day better cause mine just went to crap. lol
Two weeks ago I told my boys how May was going to be a great birthday month----it was going to be 5 years since my most recent dx. I will have made it to the "normal" risk factor. Why is that such a big deal!?!?! Why do we make it such a big deal?
In November I thought why bother with another freaking mammo. I am TIRED of doctors, scans, driving to hospitals.... It's a 3-hour drive one way for the best location. I'll be ok, I just had my MRI in June and it was good. I can skip a few months, and go AT LEAST a year...right? I'm not trying to skip and go two years...just a few months.
In December, my aunt called. She had a clear mammo in Feb 2022, December she had stage 4 breast cancer and is on oxygen for the rest of her life. I called my onco and got scheduled. It was a wake-up call for me.
Today....Tuesday is my biopsy and I am wondering if the clock is starting over. A radiologist is very confident that this is a new lump since June when I had my MRI. BIRADS 4 I have my ultrasound images side by side from over the years, they look the same. If it's back....how bad is it if it is this big in 6 months?
I'm trying to remember how I got through the waiting the first time...and the 2nd time. Let me just say....the possible 3rd time is a whole different ball game. Maybe I'm getting old.
I don't want to tell anyone, cause what if it's nothing and I am just drama? I stopped sharing a long time ago cause my fears never turned into anything and I don't want to be that negative drama person. But this is the first time I have had something real followed by a biopsy. I have had 3 biopsy sessions....not once have I walked away cancer free.
I feel so alone this time. I just don't even know what to think right now. NOTHING on Google or even this site is very helpful - my situation is not common. A third time? In a new breast, is it a distant recurrence that is rare or a new cancer? How is it treated? Do I start fresh and could be stage 1? Four hospitals could not agree with chemo or not with my recurrence so I decided to keep it in my back pocket as an option in the future if needed. Is it time?
So many thoughts....just trying to remember how I got through this the last time and need a place to vent till I can pull my crap together. Thank you for listening.
Comments
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Ugh so sorry greeneyes that you are back on here and dealing with this again! We all understand how it feels, the waiting, the stress, the unknown and endless questions. It all just stinks and there is no easy way but to take it one day at a time to make it through to biopsy day then result day. Like you I had a reset on the "cancer clock" twice and almost made it to the five year mark. Now here I am again. It's not an easy task but try to find that amazing inner strength you had before to get through. Of course you know the drill, keep as busy as possible and channel that nervous energy keeping busy!
Sending you positive vibes and strength to make it through the process. Remain hopeful nothing is in concrete yet! Keep us posted, big hugs.
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