Positive specially for newly diagnosed
I am 3 years 8 months from my CT which diagnosed me with widespread pulmonary and chest metastasis.
I had chemo , targeted therapy, chemo again then for 1 year I have been on no systemic treatment but had 2 brain surgeries , 1 SRS and this month diagnosis of some new brain lesions.
I have been working all the time ( part time but before diagnosis it was part time anyway), going to gym all the time, doing normal activities all the time. Apart from a week or two for surgeries. I have cycled about 300 km in 3 days , been on family holidays to Iceland and Bruges, hosted a few big parties inside my 48th birthday with about 40 people easily, cooked a lot of nice .meals , eaten even more of those, been to a number of nice restaurants, wore a lot of good looking outfits, chatted and spent time and walked with many friends. For the last year I have been helping Ukraine financially, transporting stuff there and morally. I have bought SUP and have used it- some happy memories. I have been to a number of beaches and have witnessed many su scenic sunsets and had a good number of walks. I have helped a d was helped in many ways by friends and unknown to me people. Once I was driving my daughter to the airport with flat tyre and was signalled to an exit and a stop by a complete passer by who advised me I was driving on a flat tyre - may be he saved us. My dad has died a bit more than 2 weeks ago - it is a milestone... I am glad he died before me and he never was aware due to dementia about the gravity of my illness. I met new friends in these years - they are good forever friends. My daughter from 15 yo became an 18 yo one and in the last few months I look at her and think happily and proudly : " my job here is done". So symbolic specially keeping in mind she was 2 when I was diagnosed with primary cancer. She is not ideal of course, specially at 18 but she has so many amazing qualities I am very happy. The core I have done what I wanted mostly and she can fine tune herself . .Me participating in further maturation is a pleasure rather than necessity or pain that I have not done anything.
And least expectedly setendipitously and amazingly I have found love. I was not aware that it was possible, was not looking for it, was mot thinking that anybody will want to be with me when I am stage 4 cancer patient . So the development was even more stunning and wonderful. When I received the diagnosis I was with my ex partner but we agreed a month before we were going to separate. After I thought that my life expectancy should be more than 6 months we have proceeded with a separation and a year later I have met someone who has moved with me 7 months ago , someone who added to my life another dimension and someone who have changed me unexpectedly. I know I have changed myself but it would not be the same without him and likely would not have happened ! I never would have thought it was on the cards and I praise myself for being quite intelligent!
We are all going to die , no need to become so upset about this aspect. Whatever is left for me will be, I do not know how I will be actually dying but I feel I will be happy accomplished person.
I have written the above because I wanted to share it and because it may help many others who see just black and stress now. I hope it will be helpful. Good luck to us all!