It's back. Need help and hope.
So the thing I've been frightened would happen for 12 years happened. Recurrence. I'm too afraid to look at my PET right now (every nerve in my body is telling me NO, so I will honor that, since I'm a quivering, heart pounding mess at present, medical PTSD on full red alert, catastrophic thinking roaring at supersonic speed): why would it matter what I saw? I know it's in me again. It is in stomach, lung and probably ureter. Not in bones so far she thinks. I couldn't bring myself to ask more because I was in shock when I saw her Friday.
My Mayo oncologist is certain it is a return of ILC (biopsy scheduled in two weeks, then pathology, sequencing of the tissue, etc. etc.), and that it was there for some time but that the Aromasin was holding it back, and that the hobgoblin cleverly figured out how to bypass it finally. I get all that — I've read the research about how cancer behaves and how ILC behaves. I was always high risk because of original dx. I get that, but:
My WBC, RBC, all CBCs are normal. Which baffles me. I have no symptoms. I thought I was in the best shape of my life to date (age 65). I just hiked 9 miles out of the Grand Canyon 3 weeks ago in a day, for heaven's sake.
No shortness of breath, except for my anxiety, no pain, no aches, no nothing, except for that pesky urinary problem we initially thought was overactive bladder. And that pesky loose stool sometimes thing that was dx as IBS and controlled with adding fiber.
The fact that I have no symptoms seemed to lift my oncologist's spirits and thought I could get at least a few more years. Wow, I've never heard my life described in a "few years", ever.
I go to hot yoga 4 times a week and walk (miles) a lot. I meditate, I was having a happy life, getting ready to retire from university teaching.
I've been Swedish death-cleaning the past two days. I'm getting out my will today and updating funeral arrangements. This is where my head is.
And my 79 year old husband currently is in bed, napping off the fatigue of his androgen-deprivation injection. He has advanced cancer, too: of the prostate. We seem to be in some horrible, awful race to the end.
I'll know more in a couple of weeks (mutations, genes, all that), 27-29, aggressiveness. MO is having me start Verzenio and Fasolodex? I think that's it. One pill 2x a day and an injection 2x a month.
Once pathology is confirmed I'll jump over to the ILC boards, or should I do it now?
I need hope, reassurance, and NO fear-based, alarmist words right now. I need to know there is more time out there for me. I'm afraid that the drugs will affect my QOL so badly I won't be able to be my normal active self, one that relieved PTSD by moving my body regularly. This is just too much to take in. I can't do it. Crying now, so must just just "post" and be done with it.