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Upset at myself

So I was just diagnosed with stage 4. When I turned 40 I want to get a mammogram because the skin was weird and never made appointment. Then I turned 41 got a mammogram and BOOM it’s in my bones which what the heck!! Maybe I’m naive but I had no clue that could happen on top of that it not being cureable.

I’m having a hard time processing everything and blaming myself for not being on top of it and going to Dr. I feel like I could’ve saved myself with one phone call 📞 and didn’t it’s a hard pill to swallow

Comments

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12
    edited February 22

    I can’t sleep 😴 I’m having nightmares

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 7,887

    @lexierose, blaming yourself is a natural reaction, but it's important to remember that cancer is complex and often unpredictable. Try to be kind to yourself and get support from your family and friends and of course from our community members. We're all here for you! You may also benefit from our free weekly virtual Zoom meet-ups with other BCO members, where you can connect with others who are going through similar experiences. Groups like these provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can share your feelings, concerns, and receive support from others who understand. If you're interested, please check them out here: Virtual Community Meetups

    Hope this helps. We're thinking of you!

    The Mods

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12
    edited February 22

    Thank you but I’m to blame because I ignored my body and I just can’t believe I let. This happen. i feel i failed my family and am having shaking spells. I could of prevented this.

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    im so lost and feel so guilty I don’t know what to do

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    I’m so hurt I didn’t do better with myself. I’m feeling like a million emotions and constantly have panic attacks

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 7,887

    Lexie, you are absolutely NOT to blame for this diagnosis. We know it's hard to wrap your head around and accept this diagnosis, but it's out of your control. Many, many of our lovely members felt similarly when they were first diagnosed, but please try to be kind to yourself. Once you talk to your doctors about next steps and have a treatment plan in place, you'll feel a little better. Metastatic treatment options are getting better every day and it's possible to live a long, happy life post-diagnosis. You're not alone — we're all here for you!

    Have you considered talking to a therapist about your feelings? Here's some information about Mental Health Options for People With MBC. You can also learn about Managing Your Feelings About MBC and Getting Emotional Support for MBC.

    In addition, you might find it helpful to read these articles for some inspiration:

    https://www.breastcancer.org/types/metastatic/life-with-metastatic/tips-for-moving-forward

    https://www.breastcancer.org/types/metastatic/life-with-metastatic/inspiration-motivation

    https://www.breastcancer.org/types/metastatic/life-with-metastatic/advice-for-newly-diagnosed

    https://www.breastcancer.org/types/metastatic/life-with-metastatic/tips-from-real-women

    We know others will be by soon to post and share their experiences to help support you. Remember, we've got your back and you're NOT alone!

    —The Mods

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    Thank you!! I’m just devastated right now but I gotta pick up the pieces and find joy

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    Thank you

    you are right I can’t let them loose me now

  • elderberry
    elderberry Member Posts: 1,058

    lexierose: Please listen and take comfort in what these wonderful and wise ladies have to say. I was also De Novo after a clear mammogram the previous year. I was relieved to see that you wrote "..gotta pick up the pieces…." YES!!! I was a total mess for at least a month. I couldn't sit still but I couldn't lie down. I paced the house like a caged bear. I composed my "play list" for my impending death. I made copies of touching poems about crossing over to be read at my wake. I listened to recording of "Going Home" played on bagpipes. I worried about leaving a mess behind for my DH, relatives and friends. I cried and was awash in self pity and guilt that I placed on myself. That was FOUR years ago. SInce then I have travelled, renovated the basement so I could have my own personal arts/crafts spaces, adopted a cat.

    Once there is a plan in place and you have started treatment you actually will feel better about your life going forward.

    I took anti-anxiety meds and they kept me from falling over the edge. I seldom use them anymore. Maybe around scan time?

    We are supportive strangers so you can confide in us where you might feel uncomfortable with relations.

  • lexierose
    lexierose Member Posts: 12

    Thank you for helping me through this process. I like reading how you still travel and love life I’m working on getting there. I got a text buddy from here so that helps me a lot

  • bighubs
    bighubs Member Posts: 24

    Lexierose, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'll reiterate what others have already told you. You did nothing wrong. The first thing my wife asked the doctor almost one year ago now when she was diagnosed Stage IV de novo was, "How could I have prevented this?" She was mid forties and had never had a mammogram and automatically assumed it would have been caught earlier if she had. I don't think the doc was just trying to make her feel good when he replied, "There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this." She subsequently had both a mammogram and ultrasound of her breasts and no tumors in her breasts were found then or have been found since. The doc said that they preach early screenings and mammograms because for some/many women they work and when detected early the prognosis is much better, but the reality is that they don't work for a huge number of women even when they are getting them regularly (like exbrnxgrl and elderberry appear to have been doing). I know it's hard to hear when you're casting about for something or someone to blame, but sometimes no one and nothing is to blame except for the cancer itself.

    I'd also like to reassure you, as the others have, that the despair and grief you are experiencing right now will pass. It may not feel like it, and that is common for those suffering acute depression, but take it from the others who have been where you are; there are brighter days ahead. When my wife first got her diagnosis a year ago I was just like you. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't look at my wife or kids without crying; thought I was losing my mind. But what helped immensely was to hear from others who had walked that road before me who told me it'd get better. And you know what? It did. Not immediately, but gradually, and over time, as we developed a treatment plan, started treatment, saw it begin to work, and began to realize that while this disease may shorten her life, she wasn't going to die from it the next day, the next week, the next month, or even within the next year in all likelihood. The statistics you might read about survivability rates are all retrospective; meaning they lag behind by about 5 years what the current treatment protocols are yielding. And even if they didn't, statistics don't dictate an individual's outcome. They are just averages. Those who seem to have the best prognosis are those with bone only mets. If that is you, then you're already likely to do better than those diagnosed with mets elsewhere.

    Hang in there. It'll get better. I promise.