Struggling
I was diagnosed in 8/2022. Not 100% sure of Stage, 1) because the whole Stage thing causes me additional anxiety and 2) I had Neoadjuvant chemo so I think the “official stage” is the one after chemotherapy. I think my final staging was IIA but not sure.
Anyway, in left breast I had intermediate IDC ER/PR +; HER 2 negative with; 5 lymph nodes involved; in right breast (found during MRI of left breast) low grade DCIS; also ER/PR positive; HER 2 negative.
Treatment: neoadjuvant chemotherapy (4 cycles of Adriamycin & Cyclophosphamide , followed by 12 weekly cycles of Taxol, Bilateral Mastectomies with lymph nodes removed on Left side, followed by 5 weeks of daily radiation, and then total hysterectomy… all in a 9 month period. Implant reconstruction in 12/2023 that failed on left side after 8 weeks due to infection caused by radiation , surgery to clean up infection and place new implant, second implant failed 8 weeks later again so had both implants removed in 04/2024.
Taking Verzenio for 2 years and Letrozole for 10 years.
I had anxiety prior to BC but since diagnosis it has gone thru the roof, off along with depression. Being treated with medication and counseling. My anxiety re: fear of recurrence seems to be easing very slowly but the toll this has taken on my 25 year marriage is devastating to me. We don’t communicate well, I always feel like I’m a burden to my husband due to my emotional state, and I feel like I should be moving forward faster.
Today I stayed home from work because I’m so upset, depressed, and don’t know how to fix everything…. overwhelmed. Took an Ativan and just lying in bed writing this first post ever.
Thank you for reading my story.
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Hi @ougirl91 and welcome to Breastcancer.org.
We're so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here, and the difficulties you're having, but you've found the best place for advice, information, encouragement, and support — we're all here for you!
You're not alone in the feelings you're having. So many of our members focus so intently during the active treatment process on just getting through that they aren't prepared for the emotional, mental, and relational impact that arises after the chaos is over. You're sure to get some responses here from others who have navigated a similar experience — or are still trying to figure things out.
Our section on Taking Care of Your Mental Health After a Breast Cancer Diagnosis might be of help, as well as joining our Bonded by Breast Cancer groups, where we discuss in virtual meetups all the things you're experiencing after active treatment. You can see the schedule and register here:
We hope this helps and that you find great support here. Let us know how else we can help.
Sending hugs!
—The Mods
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Oh gosh. I am so, so sorry. But please don't feel guilty for how you feel. Breast cancer is a not just an inconvenience. It's a world altering shift in how we think about ourselves and our body. And it takes a lot of time to adjust to it. You are doing all the right things to do so and there is no time frame in which you should expect to be finished. In fact, having breast cancer has probably brought out other traumas you've been unconsciously dealing with also so there's a ton to unpack I'm sure. All normal and to be expected. As far as the toll on your marriage, maybe couple's therapy is in order for your husband, too. Being a caregiver and watching your life partner struggle with such a horrific disease is agonizing. You both might need help navigating this new life together.
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@kaynotrealname thank you for responding. It means so much to know people are out there that take the time to read my story and actually respond to it. Means so much to me. I think you are so right that the trauma of breast cancer treatment can bring up other trauma from my past. I think I have trauma and issues around other relationships, including the one with my mom. Things about abandonment, not being good enough, etc. I can see how breast cancer could trigger this. Thank you for giving me that insight. Yes my husband has started to go to marital counseling with me. So much to think about and work on…
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Hi. I just finished radiation and had a lumpectomy before for stage IIB IDC. Now on Kisqali for 3 years and letrozole for 10. I am more emotional now . Have been out of work but anxious about going back to work and feeling guilty for having to have my colleagues cover me. I started online counseling and have been on an antidepressant for years. Trying not to think of risk of recurrence but it is not easy. I find it hard to discuss with my husband this fear. I think he will judge me and tell me to try to move on.
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Hi Musiclover1. I know what it's like to have a loving husband who is not comfortable discussing fears. For me the thing I remember is that breast cancer happened to our partnership, too. He suffered with me even though he wasn't the one who diagnosed. And for him, not thinking about this fear is vital to his wellbeing. But - and this is big - he knows I have the fear, he understands it's genuine, that I'm not making it up, and he validates it. He just can't be the one who comforts me. So I use my friends or my therapist for that roll. So perhaps a compromise like that is possible. And ougirl, yes. There is no way that the trauma of breast cancer doesn't bring up other traumas and they all get caught together. Personally I looked at it as an opportunity to finally start putting everything to rest. Still have work to do and in fact last session, almost three years later, my therapist identified another area I need to address in my life. But even so, I'm happy, by all appearances quite healthy, and satisfied with my life and that is worth it's weight in gold. It was a hard road to travel to get here but it's worth it. As long as you do what you need to do to address your issues you'll get there, too.
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I know it’s hard when progress feels slow, but every step forward—no matter the pace—is still progress. You are strong, and you are healing in your own way. Trust that you’re moving forward, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. You’ve come so far, and you will continue to move toward brighter days.
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