I guess it hit me today that my days are numbered
I’m not sure why today is any different than the last two months when I’ve known I’m stage 4 with bone mets and my days are going in the negative direction. Maybe because tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and as usual, nothing in the mail from my kids. I guess they aren’t thinking that this could be my last Mother’s day and that I’m feeling sad and a failure. I’m really struggling right now to find a reason to fight this evil devil hanging over me. For what?
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@newfmamainoregon Do kids still mail anything these days? I am hoping you get a call tomorrow. I'm sure they love you all the time, even without the annual card. The meaning of life. Now that is the great question for everyone always. As you ask around here, I am sure there are many answers, religious belief, family and community, inner exploration, helping others. For me, it's stuff as small as the sun coming through the window, my ridiculously cute dog, reading a great book, dinking around on the piano, laughing with hubby, making plans to see a friend, an unexpected email. Many small blessings.
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My heart goes out to you. Although our stories are different (I had 13 progression free years at stage IV) , my bone mets have recently decided to take over my ribs and spine. I had rads to the pelvic area and the swelling in my feet and legs is hideous. It feels as if my skin might split.
I know my days are numbered but we don’t know what they actually means. A year? A few months? My adult children live 45 minutes and 90 minutes away, respectively. I spent a lot of time shielding them from all of this. I felt guilty about disrupting the great lives they have and I didn’t want my grandchildren to see me so diminished. However, my physical condition is screaming that I need help. I have finally opened up to them about everything and to my surprise it was difficult but it helped us arrive at a deeper understanding of my reality . I still feel guilty but I know I really have to let people in, especially my own children!My Mother’s Day gift will be a house cleaning and miscellaneous help with things that are now difficult for me. Everyone is coming to my house but I have been very clear about not being up to hostess duty. Yes a clean house doesn’t sound like a Mother’s Day gift, but in my current situation, it is priceless! When you feel up to it, call your children. In the gentlest way, be completely honest about your situation. Let them know, explicitly, what you need and what you don’t need. You may be surprised at how much they want to do and perhaps they have not had a clear understanding of bc, stage IV in particular so educational opportunities abound.
I can’t guarantee any outcomes with respect to your children but I can say, though I still struggle, that being open with them has been an excellent decision. BTW, most of us get more than a year. Remember, I had 13 years before progression.
Be kind to yourself and happy Mother’s Day.
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Happy Mother's day to you, newfmama ❤️
I agree with tougholdcrow, the small pleasures often are my reason for continuing on, and the memories of my dear late husband.
I don't have children, but my Mum is still here, and has stayed with me for surgeries, etc. I really hope to not go before her (I'm 55), and I know all I can do for now is treatment, and enjoy tea and scones.
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Thank you @sf-cakes @exbrnxgrl @tougholdcrow for your replies and Mother’s Day wishes. Emotions are running high and having a pity party seems par for the course. The ups and downs from Letrozole and the bone pain takes its toll some days and I guess Saturday was that day. Plus, I had a very close friend whose been dealing with pancreatic cancer for 2 1/2 years start hospice on Monday and then passed away yesterday afternoon. Another close friend passed in March from liver cancer and I have her 11 year old dog. It seems that cancer has it’s ugly tentacles everywhere in many families. I do count my blessings each day. Yes, I know my children love me even though they don’t show it often and only God knows the days I have left. God bless you ladies. Many of you are in a much worse place than me so I will be thinking of you when I start to feel sorry for myself.
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@newfmamainoregon It took me about a year after diagnosis to get my feet again. I thought a lot about death and what it all meant. But I came to an acceptance. So don't beat yourself up. It's a journey, as they say.
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