It feels like my whole life is crashing down
All my life I have tried to leave healthy , avoid junk food , exercise even if I do not enjoy it, do everything to support my immune system and all that shebang. I watched my mom die from breast cancer at the age of 40 and now here I am.
Late October , I felt a dull ache in my right best that woke me up in the middle of the night and found a lump. I have never done a breast examination before then and had just clocked 30 few months prior. I was so convinced it was nothing , my provider said she was sure it was nothing too but still ordered a mammogram and ultrasound.
while waiting for mammogram & ultrasound appointment , I felt a tiny pea sized lump in my armpit too and that was when I started to worry. Mammogram and ultrasound recorded an abnormally and decided I needed a biopsy.
well, I haven’t heard any good news since then , it has been one bad news to another in my opinion.
I got the call Dec 13th that I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal carcinoma grade 2 ER/PR negative and HER2 indeterminate and sent to FISH and the lymph node is also malignant. Ultrasound recorded lump size as 3.6cm. Everyone thinks I am strong but I don’t think I am. I am so sad and worried.
I had an MRI days ago that now claims that I have multiple abnormal lymph nodes and now I am worrying that it has spread especially because I have had back pains for a while now. The MRI also said 6cm non- mass enhancement which sounds bigger and scarier than 3.6 cm. I had just had biopsy 8 days prior so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it increasing.
I have a PET Scan scheduled for Dec 23rd and I am trying to be hopeful but the MRI saying abnormal lymph nodes in all level 1-3 kinda shattered all the strength I was trying to hold on to.
I am worried it has spread since it was termed aggressive , I am worried it is spreading or getting worse , I am worried about my future. I am worried about everything!
I am a single lady and the idea of losing my boobs ( vain I know ) just makes me sad , the thought of having to through egg freezing as someone who has high phobia for needles. Getting a port placement , doing chemo , shaving my head. Doing all these on my own because all my family are in a different country.
All these when all I have the most all my life is a simple headache , seems like a lot and I just can’t believe it. I am trying to find the strength , the hope but the MRI broke the little I had left and now I am panicking ahead of the PET scan.
I am sorry about this Rant but I have had to appear strong for my sisters who are in a different country and bawling their eyes out but I just needed to take off that mask and show my fears and vulnerability.
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Many of us have been there Deegayes. Slipping down the mountainside without warning, thinking we might be safe, then another tumble further downwards as the bad news keeps on coming. Eventually there does come a time where you have the information needed to take stock and make a plan - both in terms of treatment along with your doctor and in terms of how you will cope with it all personally.
You have found a safe place to vent here so use it as much as you need to. I read the 5/10/15 years out threads on the Stage 3 board for hours at a time. There is a also a 'big tumours' thread a few pages in on the same board. They all brought me a lot of comfort and I still read them if I'm having a rough day. I know a lot of against-the-odds real life survivor stories which I cling to also.
Life has returned to normal for everyone I know with breast cancer. Yes, it may be a temporary reprieve but we are all living life on our terms. Some went back to work, some didn't. Some had reconstruction, some didn't. Some went out and bought pets. I decided I would stop doing the ironing - unless I feel like it..!
Try to take one step at a time or else you will be more overwhelmed than you need to be. The treatment path is a slow juggernaut, definitely more of a marathon than a sprint. Keep posting, you are amongst friends here - we have been through the wilderness.
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@deegayes2, we are sending you a warm and gentle welcome to Breastcancer.org. We're so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but we're so glad you've found us. As you can already see, our community is full of amazing members always willing to offer advice, information, encouragement, and support — we're all here for you!
The beginning is the worst — so many unanswered questions, stray thoughts that spiral, so much to worry about ahead. But try to stay in the moment and grounded until you have more information about what you're dealing with. The more info you have, the better you'll start to feel, and you can get a game plan in place. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Please keep coming back here for support — we've got your back. And consider joining us in one of our virtual meetups if you would like some real-time face-to-face support from our incredible participants. Sending you big, big hugs!
—The Mods
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@deegayes2 i hear your worry and uncertainty, it’s natural. This is a good place to rant and reflect, give and get support. And I agree with @starbridge it will get better as your tests come back, and your treatment plan is developed , and you can move forward . No one wants a cancer diagnosis lol… and to say enjoys treatment is a stretch, but you learn to make peace with what is here, what is to be done and create a life a joy at the same time. It takes coping strategies, support, and intentional inspiration. Big hugs, we are here for you ❤️
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Thank you so much for your kind words 💕
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Thank you so much. Your words have been helpful and I will check out those threads too 💕
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