It feels like my whole life is crashing down
All my life I have tried to leave healthy , avoid junk food , exercise even if I do not enjoy it, do everything to support my immune system and all that shebang. I watched my mom die from breast cancer at the age of 40 and now here I am.
Late October , I felt a dull ache in my right best that woke me up in the middle of the night and found a lump. I have never done a breast examination before then and had just clocked 30 few months prior. I was so convinced it was nothing , my provider said she was sure it was nothing too but still ordered a mammogram and ultrasound.
while waiting for mammogram & ultrasound appointment , I felt a tiny pea sized lump in my armpit too and that was when I started to worry. Mammogram and ultrasound recorded an abnormally and decided I needed a biopsy.
well, I haven’t heard any good news since then , it has been one bad news to another in my opinion.
I got the call Dec 13th that I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal carcinoma grade 2 ER/PR negative and HER2 indeterminate and sent to FISH and the lymph node is also malignant. Ultrasound recorded lump size as 3.6cm. Everyone thinks I am strong but I don’t think I am. I am so sad and worried.
I had an MRI days ago that now claims that I have multiple abnormal lymph nodes and now I am worrying that it has spread especially because I have had back pains for a while now. The MRI also said 6cm non- mass enhancement which sounds bigger and scarier than 3.6 cm. I had just had biopsy 8 days prior so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it increasing.
I have a PET Scan scheduled for Dec 23rd and I am trying to be hopeful but the MRI saying abnormal lymph nodes in all level 1-3 kinda shattered all the strength I was trying to hold on to.
I am worried it has spread since it was termed aggressive , I am worried it is spreading or getting worse , I am worried about my future. I am worried about everything!
I am a single lady and the idea of losing my boobs ( vain I know ) just makes me sad , the thought of having to through egg freezing as someone who has high phobia for needles. Getting a port placement , doing chemo , shaving my head. Doing all these on my own because all my family are in a different country.
All these when all I have the most all my life is a simple headache , seems like a lot and I just can’t believe it. I am trying to find the strength , the hope but the MRI broke the little I had left and now I am panicking ahead of the PET scan.
I am sorry about this Rant but I have had to appear strong for my sisters who are in a different country and bawling their eyes out but I just needed to take off that mask and show my fears and vulnerability.
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Many of us have been there Deegayes. Slipping down the mountainside without warning, thinking we might be safe, then another tumble further downwards as the bad news keeps on coming. Eventually there does come a time where you have the information needed to take stock and make a plan - both in terms of treatment along with your doctor and in terms of how you will cope with it all personally.
You have found a safe place to vent here so use it as much as you need to. I read the 5/10/15 years out threads on the Stage 3 board for hours at a time. There is a also a 'big tumours' thread a few pages in on the same board. They all brought me a lot of comfort and I still read them if I'm having a rough day. I know a lot of against-the-odds real life survivor stories which I cling to also.
Life has returned to normal for everyone I know with breast cancer. Yes, it may be a temporary reprieve but we are all living life on our terms. Some went back to work, some didn't. Some had reconstruction, some didn't. Some went out and bought pets. I decided I would stop doing the ironing - unless I feel like it..!
Try to take one step at a time or else you will be more overwhelmed than you need to be. The treatment path is a slow juggernaut, definitely more of a marathon than a sprint. Keep posting, you are amongst friends here - we have been through the wilderness.
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@deegayes2, we are sending you a warm and gentle welcome to Breastcancer.org. We're so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but we're so glad you've found us. As you can already see, our community is full of amazing members always willing to offer advice, information, encouragement, and support — we're all here for you!
The beginning is the worst — so many unanswered questions, stray thoughts that spiral, so much to worry about ahead. But try to stay in the moment and grounded until you have more information about what you're dealing with. The more info you have, the better you'll start to feel, and you can get a game plan in place. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Please keep coming back here for support — we've got your back. And consider joining us in one of our virtual meetups if you would like some real-time face-to-face support from our incredible participants. Sending you big, big hugs!
—The Mods
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@deegayes2 i hear your worry and uncertainty, it’s natural. This is a good place to rant and reflect, give and get support. And I agree with @starbridge it will get better as your tests come back, and your treatment plan is developed , and you can move forward . No one wants a cancer diagnosis lol… and to say enjoys treatment is a stretch, but you learn to make peace with what is here, what is to be done and create a life a joy at the same time. It takes coping strategies, support, and intentional inspiration. Big hugs, we are here for you ❤️
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Thank you so much for your kind words 💕
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Thank you so much. Your words have been helpful and I will check out those threads too 💕
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Oh, deegayes2, you've spent many years taking excellent care of yourself and I'm sure you're physiologically stronger because of your efforts.
The advice to take your time to have the tests, understand the results and implications is before making any decisions is excellent.
I also have been dealing with cancer alone, without a non-medical support network and without family. It's possible, even though at this moment it may seem too daunting.
Breath.
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You are stronger than you think. Aren't you living in a country without your family?. You can do this.
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After a couple biopsies, one to my left breast and one in my armpit area, I was diagnosed with breast cancer just this week, estrogen+ and her2+, invasive ductal carcinoma. The lymph nodes came back benign but after a full body scan yesterday, it seems they want me to have my lymph nodes checked yet again.
I have had minimal sleep ever since finding the lump 2.5 weeks ago. I'm a basket case at work and I'm just a wreck overall. There's no being positive or trying not to stress here, I am full on anxiety and depression and I just wanted to rant that here.
As it looks like I'm going to undergo chemo in addition to surgery, I am all the more anxious, upset, depressed at the thought of losing my hair… but I'm looking into cold caps and they look promising.
On Tuesday I find out what my options for treatment are. Wish me luck.2 -
@karenjsf i am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Feels like so long that I posted it and I know there is no stressing over this because no amount of what people said made me feel better or relieved the anxiety. Especially the anxiety before the PET scans and just the thought of what the future looks like.
But I do wanna say that it gets better. I started chemo already and I’m doing okay , you will start to feel more calm once all of the scans are over and you know exactly what you are dealing with and how to.
I am not gonna say there won’t be days where you wanna bawl your eyes out or just want to turn back the hands of time but it will get better.
please feel free to rant all you want.I am sending you loads of hugs
update: I tried cold capping with penguin and it’s very expensive especially because I had to pay for their white glove service. After the second infusion , my hair was falling out in chunks and since I have also struggled with dermatitis for a while, my scalp was so inflamed and sore from all the not washing properly and pampering. I have shaved my head off now and will be canceling the service since I have no hair now. Just thought to share that0 -
@deegayes2 thank you for the hugs. Good to hear this all actually gets better. Can it really? As for penguin cold cap, I'm discouraged hearing this didn't work for you. I'm going to try Dignicap at Kaiser hospital where I'll be getting my treatment done. I'm even willing to go to a different Kaiser if it's not available at the one I generally go to. It's worked for a lot of women, so I'm hopeful.
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@karenjsf well , I like to believe it gets better because what other choice do I have lol other than make myself miserable. But really though it does get better lol. You should have seen me while waiting for results from all the scans and testing. I couldn’t sleep , I had body pains from anxiety , I was severely depressed but I’m in a better place now.
About the capping , yes please, consider dignicap. I considered it too but because of the availability , my treatment would have been delayed a bit and I was so ready to get this thing out of me so I went with penguin which is more stressful especially if you have no one one to constantly change the cap for you. And my lord is it heavy ?!!
But I lost my hair anyways. It does protect the follicles though because right now while waiting for my third infusion, my hair is growing back which I reckon wouldn’t grow out that fast once I stop the cold capping but I can’t justify paying that much anymore now that I have no hair.
so yes , please consider Dignicap , it’s more affordable and convenient and I hope it saves your beautiful hair.0 -
@karenjsf glad you found us here, BCO is a supportive space. And yes, it does get easier with time. It’s all so shocking in the beginning and depressing. But then it’s not , and life is on . At least thats been my experience. There have been Rough patches as well as easier than I thought transitions. I’ve lost my hair twice on this journey, and each time it’s grown back nicer than it was before lol. I didn’t do the cold cap, good luck with it. I did buy a wig this second time, and I love it. No one can tell it’s a wig. But I am happy that my hair is also growing back too lol. You'll feel better once you have a treatment plan in place and know what the schedule will be. Lots of good advice here on managing SE too. Will be thinking of you and sending good energy for your appt on Tuesday !
@deegayes2 so glad you are doing and feeling better. ❤️ I shaved my head too once I started loosing my hair, felt empowering ! Then I bought a wig lol..
hugs to all - Rhonda
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Thanks @rlschaller and @deegayes2. Right now any positive vibes are welcome, I really appreciate it.
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@karenjsf and @deegayes2 and @rlschaller I have to share with you all that I became a nun four years after being diagnosed. I now shave my head every month! I love it! Some nuns shave on the '0' setting (to the scalp), and some keep a bit more hair depending on their tradition.
It's especially humorous since an unnamed male doctor accused me of refusing surgery because of vanity in that he assumed I didn't want to lose my hair during post-op chemo. Imagine... So, I explained for the upteenth time that I refuse surgery because we found the cancer tumour too late. I should send him a photo ;) Good luck!
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@pemala my son shaves his head and always shares how liberating it is as he went bald in his early 30s. Love that you were able to fulfill a 50 year dream! Fabulous, thank you for sharing. I’ve been a student of Buddhist philosophy in the Tibetan tradition for 40 years, though was never drawn to becoming a formal student and nun. Though I have joked that as my hair grows back slowly, I’m in my Buddhist nun phase lol… so happy for you. My experience has been as well, cancer is found, cancer goes, cancer comes back, cancer dissolves again. And for some it comes and it goes and stays gone. Who knows what will unfold, we just , as you say… keep walking keep talking live life to the fullest. 🙏❤️
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First of all you are Not ranting. You are sharing reaching out that we are all looking for here. Your experience is terrible worthy of expression and useful to others as well.
Individual Exercising, Eating healthy, not abusing alcohol or junk food etc doesn’t seem to help prevent it all. Maybe something else in the environment. My son was born with , developed in vitro with germ cell in his brain that became cancer too & grew very large before finally being discovered. Germ cells do not belong in your brain by any means , it’s as if it’s some type of mutation like a finger growing on your face. They don’t know what causes this, but they still do the research in the US & different countries. Then 11 years later he had a recurrence of it where it spread out in his brain & much worse ( but against all the statistics ). Puberty or Growth hormones can make it grow / spread if any of its cells still existing.
I now Have a firm fixed irregular lump in one breast . I’m still waiting for my mammogram ultrasound combo. I stopped taking my estrogen + progesterone, synthetic birth control pills and it seemed to soon later help shrink down the lump & contain it to a pea size , but it is still there. Statistically is 90% benign or nothing to worry about.
I just found out my aunt / my dad‘s sister in a different state that I haven’t talked to in a long time has breast cancer now in treatment . So now finding out that I do have family history of breast cancer. So a new recent (bad) surprise. I hate that bad things happen to good people.1 -
@rainy100 Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Hugs and thanks for sharing here. I too hate when bad things happen to good people, so much out of our control. So sorry to read about your son, yourself and your aunt. Big hugs your way !
No matter what we do the body seems to have a mind of its own. Ranting helps. Then calming down helps. Then love and laughter helps. Then crying helps. Then fill in the blank….. helps. I love that we have eachother here, which helps. Everyone has their way , I love learning and listening to what helps each person. I have my way to feel good amongst the chaos of managing chronic cancer. It’s so different for everyone. And yet, we all do the best we can. Hugs to all on this rainy where I live Monday. ❤️0
