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@candy-678 You are not bad. This is your life. I have similar thoughts. I am 9 1/2 years on oral treatments and am on my fifth oral med. I am about out of options. I have never been on IV chemo having been dxd stage IV de novo. I am 72 years old, on oxygen 24/7 and am tired. I have four beautiful grandchildren that I would love to see grow up, but I am tired of being sick and not being able to travel and enjoy them. If I could continue on my current treatment I would, but my tumor markers have started rising again. I have a scan next week. If the scans show progression I fear chemo is my only option. I don't want to spend my last year sicker than I am now just to buy a few months. I don't know whether I have the fight left in me either. My daughter asked "what would chemo buy you?" It is a good question and one I am wrestling with.

I just need to get my thoughts down on paper (you know what I mean/computer, not paper haha).

I am reading this fictional book. One of the characters, not the main character or the main storyline, is dealing with breast cancer. They don't say what stage, but you can tell it is not Stage 4. She has had a mastectomy and going to have 5 treatments of chemo. But it describes how she is doing with the chemo. Tells about how her "body is on fire" and "every bone and muscle in her body was on fire", and how she is so weak and vomiting that her family is helping her sit up to drink and eat toast. "Through a cloud of pain and dizziness", it says. "Increased sensitivity to her skin", it says. Then it said the nurse told her the 3rd treatment would be when it hits so bad. That her family is providing her comfort and encouragement. And she voices she doesn't know if she can handle it.

Then I think, I don't want to go thru that. I don't know if I can go thru that. We know that with Stage 4 they do oral treatment until they HAVE to go to "chemo". And I know I have more oral options when I do have progression, before going to the "big guns". But after dealing with this for 8 years now, I don't know if I have the fight left in me to deal with the "big guns".

Of course, I don't know what I will do until that day comes, but I don't know how far I am willing to go in this fight. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I don't know if I am willing to go thru all that, if how they described it is accurate.

Does that make me bad? Do any of you think about this?

@shanagirl - Thanks for what you know about Guillian-Barre Syndrome. It's all pretty new to me. I'd heard of it, but hadn't heard about any actual experiences. I'm not sure anymore that that is my problem, because as you pointed out, it looks like most who get it wind up in the hospital for a good month. I've got pins and needles down my legs and it all crept up, like they say, but I have not experienced anything that is so bad as to keep me from walking. I guess breathing can also be pretty much cut off, until things improve. I'm back to thinking it could be the faslodex/low estrogen, the weather, ergonomics, or don't want to say it: cancer progression in my spine. I had some bad digestive issues with all of this too (something they note for Guillain-Barre Syndrome), but they seem to be improving, knock on wood. Shana, I can't believe what a trooper you are, and how much you've been through with so many health crises over the years. You just amaze me in that regard, as you have fought and handled all of it. Kudos to you!

@irishlove - Yes, these Mom stories are so very moving and sad. I'm just so glad I'm not the only one who misses my mom so much after all these years (17) and being the age I am (72). Sometimes I feel a bit silly. While sad, it's nice to hear that so many continue to miss their moms too.

My insurance is Traditional Medicare with a supplement, so I can speak to the PPO vs HMO issue. Sorry, but I'm sure there are probably many here who can.

I listen to both you and @eleanora describe your diverticulitis situations with great interest, as I have been told that I have the precursor, diverticulosis, but they never see anything active on the scans, thank goodness, just the "necessary framework". I can't believe what the two of you have been through with this problem, and I had no idea it could get as bad as you have described. Hugs and good wishes to both of you, and may you find good and permanent solutions!