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At just 33 years old, this feels like a nightmare that won’t end. It’s been over a month since I first discovered the lump, and I’m completely drained, mentally and emotionally. The endless waiting, appointments, needle sticks. it’s all just so overwhelming.

I shared more details in another post, but to sum it up: there’s no history. No family history of breast cancer. No dense or fibrocystic breasts. No past scares. No inverted nipple, no discharge, no dimpling. I don’t smoke, I rarely drink, and I’ve lived a relatively healthy life. There was absolutely nothing that pointed to this happening. Just a girl who found a hard fixed lump and ever since, life has felt like it's spiraling out of control.

I feel like I’ve been dealt the worst possible hand. All the odds were supposedly in my favor: my age, my health history, even the breast reduction I had 12 years ago, which statistically was supposed to reduce my risk. And yet, here I am.

I keep thinking of my grandmother, who was diagnosed with colon cancer in her late 70s. I never saw her cry. She refused treatment and told me, “I’ve lived my life.” But I’m only in my early 30s. How does someone my age come to terms with this kind of diagnosis?

Right now, I’m in that awful waiting phase: trying to find out the type, the stage, the full picture. That part is excruciating. My biggest fear is the stage. The lump is 3.5 cm and located deep, you really have to press to feel it. If it was any smaller, I wouldn’t know it was there. My mind races with questions: How long has it been growing? Has it spread?

Every few days I notice a new symptom: leg cramps, shortness of breath, changes in bowel movements. It’s hard not to fear the worst. People keep telling me it’s unlikely to be stage 4, but I don’t find much comfort in statistics anymore because none of the odds have worked in my favor so far.

Part of me feels angry and devastated at the thought of being diagnosed at stage 4 and not being given a real fighting chance. But the other part is terrified that even if it’s early-stage, I’ll be stuck living in fear, panicking at every new ache or pain, always wondering if or when it will come back.

No matter what, my life has changed forever.

I know this post might come across as negative, and I’m sorry for that. I’m still trying to process everything. I just needed a place to vent, especially to a group of women who truly understand what I’m going through. Lately, I haven’t been getting much support from my family, and it’s been hard to carry this all on my own. I feel as if I’m not even living at this point. I’m waking up everyday just to get through the day and then do it all over again tomorrow.