Illinois ladies facing bc
Comments
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I am soooo sorry about the many posts. I think my computer is having a meltdown.
Have a nice day.
BJ
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BJ: I am wondering if what you are describing is what sent me to the ER about ten years ago. It is esophageal spasm and hurts like crazy. I thought I was having a heart attack. I hope all is well now. When I feel it come on, I sip warm water and it settles down. Cold water makes it worse.
Susan
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Hugs Blackjack! Rest up and take care of yourself! Keep us updated on how you are doing.
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Blackjack....Glad you are home and all is understood. The esophogas part seems to be of alot here and hope this all can be minimized, especially knowing your heart is ok.
Hair is gone and this buzz look, thought i was ready for it and would feel relief to kind of start over for new hair etc. I am not, very angry and emotions are all over the place. Kind of like, you have to act normal, do your routine be who you are as everyone thinks you are and nothing is normal.Cancer takes away so much and i am not normal!!!! Loosing my hair like this feels like i am robbed of one more thing. SORRY, i feel nothing freeing or easier with this look and think this brought me to the anger and grief of it all and need to be at. Tommorrow is another day and hopefully i will be off my pity pot!!
My postitve atttitude is not here today that is for sure and hope no one gets too close to me, i amy smack them!!!!
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blackjack - Bummer! Good that the ticker's okay...but that darned Esoph! Hope it doesn't act up again. What are they doing for it?
About a month before my diagnosis - I had an incredible pain in my chest for over a day. I finally called my PCP and she said to go to the ER. They wanted to rule out the ticker... and kept me overnight. I had a CT, ultrasound of liver and gallbladder and a heart stress test. I also had a barium x-ray. A Hiatel Hernia showed up and mild Diverticula. I was on antacids for a couple of weeks and I take Protonix daily. The amazing thing was - at the time I didn't know yet that I had cancer! It's so weird, here I was laying in a hospital bed having all these tests done, never even knowing a month later I'd hear those 3 dreaded words.
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Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your kind words, advice and philosophy regarding my headache in particular and hypochondria in general. In truth, I'm not sure what my philosophy is any more-- it wavers btw intelligent design and "shit happens." Depends on the day. I'm working on it.
An update on the headache. The day I wrote, things progressed from bad to worse. I honestly conjured an image of an evil little man with an ice pick, driving it into the back left side (toward my ear) of my skull and cackling. DH had a meeting at our church and I was trying to manage the kids- homework, showers- and actually called him at around 8, begging him to come home. For the first time ever- I really didn't think I could manage them on my own. He was great- came home, took care of everything. I tried, in desperation, a Tylenol 3. Nothing. Long story short, at 3am I was finally reduced to sobbing on the couch downstairs. DH came down and tried to help, massaging neck muscles that he said were completely taut and rigid. That actually seemed to help and out of exhaustion, I finally fell asleep around 4. (And got up at 5:30 for work- ugh!) I continued to have a few "stabs" yesterday and just one today. (Big improvement). What's weirder is that my scalp actually hurts-- as if I pulled my hair or it was in a tight band for too long.
Someone mentioned a migraine. I know my mother used to have them and they would send her to bed for the day. But this-- could this possibly have been a migraine? Or I've heard of neuralgia (sp?) headaches? I'm not sure where to go on this one. I figured I'd give it a few days, see what happens and then at least email my primart doc. (She actually answers emails!)
Update on my friend- day 3 of whole brain radiation. A brief note from her after the first session that she was doing okay. But I'm filled with dread and feeling beyond helpless. Sending her a nice pair of pjs....and it seems impossibly lame.
Susan- thinking of you and your hip- I understand acutely-- I'm so so tired of worrying too.
Donna- I remember very well what it was like after I lost my hair. You do...get used to it more and it does get easier. But it's so so hard at the beginning. My DH and I were engaged and living together at the time....it took me almost 3 weeks before I would even let him see me uncovered. And no one besides him ever saw me without the wig. Everyone handles it differently, but I had a very hard time with this aspect.
Blackjack- glad you are back and hope the esophagus starts behaving...
Have to scoot home- and get dinner going. Thanks again to everyone...
-julie b
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I just had this thought about how to approach all the damn symptom-watching that is often connected to a BC dx. I am highly tuned to symptoms that I interpret as possible cancer spread. That thinking is negatively impacting my QOL. Rather than getting easier, it is getting harder as I no longer get treatments (except arimidex) and rarely see the doctors who I saw when I had the DX.
I am now beginning to take the approach (and beginning to believe it) that I have absolutely no control over what happens to me. Of course I take care of myself, but if cancer happens again, I flat out have no control over that. It is what it is. If the pain in my knee is cancer, I cannot make it not cancer. I can get treatment, but I have no control beyond that. No amount of stressing will change the reality of it.
I have been wondering why I (and some of you) worry so damn much about cancer again. I think it is because it snuck up on us. We were just going about our business and then there it was. Deadly cells became activated and lurked within our bodies and we don’t even know it. So now I look, sometimes too hard, to find it before it takes me down again. I want to be in control. But, that is impossible. I have no control over cancer. Realizing that I have no control should terrify me (and has) yet now actually it gives me some comfort. It is like I am giving myself a reason NOT TO BE ON HIGH ALERT all the time when I could be having more fun. I wish I could explain it better.
Maybe that is why you are mad as hell, Donna, and you should be. You are realizing that you have lost some control. Losing hair is like major control loss! WE cannot even hold onto our own hair, for cripes sake (Laura talk) because of this disgusting and mean disease. But maybe it is all a process and we have to go through these emotions before we come to terms with it. I am at new place. I am sick and tired of trying to control the unknown and so I am not mad. I JUST WANT TO HAVE MORE TIME FOR FUN.
Susan
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What a beautiful day today. I am hoping everyone is having a great day. The weather here is gorgeous. As far as vocals, I am not "talented", I just enjoy singing.
Donna - so glad you are able to sleep well. That is so critical to healing and overall well-being.
Laura - your puppy sounds so adorable. The slipper is bigger!! HAHA! So cute!
Wendyk13 - I always love your posts. You make me laugh so much! You remind me of a great friend I worked with named Mary. There never was a dull moment.
Going outside now to fill up the bird feeders. We have several feeders by our house. We live in a pine woods and have a lot of wildlife. Today a woodpecker came up to the window feeder. We love watching them. They are so neat! We actually have more than one type of woodpecker show up to the feeders.
I am going tomorrow for another "fill". Hopefully that will go well. They say you aren't suppose to feel anything but I do on one side for sure. Ouch! Maybe it won't be so bad.
Jennifer
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Jennifer...I hope your fill is non-eventful tomorrow. This has me thinking about reconstruction. WendyTY and I met a gal at Yoga last night who was very curious about Wendy's reconstructive procedure and the nipple reconstruction so she asked if she could see what it looked like. Would you believe that Wendy, she, and I all ended up in the ladies room checking this out? LOL Oh my gosh..........we would have never done this before! LOL It reminds me of a couple of you in the restroom during "the lunch bunch" doing something very similar! LOL
Oh Donna, my heart goes out to you right now! This is such a rough time for you. I understand your anger and your emotions. There were so many times that I had melt-downs that I actually began to worry about myself at times. Susan had an interesting take on this. It snuck up on us and we have no control. It robbed of many good days. Some of us lost our hair. Most of us lost at least part of a breast and spent many nervous days anticipating future treatments. BUT.....always keep in mind that the treatments will end and with that end, you will have MANY more years to treasure. There were certainly days along the journey that I wondered if the end would ever come. Then I realized as we sat around the table for Easter Dinner a few weeks ago that I wasn't even thinking about breast cancer. You can do it, honey. It's not easy and the tears will flow more than once but you can do it. Cry when you need a release and come here and vent when there's something upsetting you. HUGS across the miles!
I'm off to the golf opening dinner at the club tonight. Now if that weather cooperates, we'll be ready to hit the golf course! Hopefully the sun will bring more warmth tomorrow and Friday.
Catch you all later.
Rita
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Afternoon ladies....a few hours sure makes a difference. Susan...I am so with you about all of this. I already had my quota worry basket completely filled before cancer ever showed up in my life-----think that is why I haven't had it too hard since txs were done. I worry right before, just a tiny bit, and a little more during....but the minute I walked away from the facility...I'm back to the parts of my life that I have to handle. I really do visualize myself well -- because for one thing...until they tell me different I am. You are basically what you believe --- I may be well, but some how the rich and gorgeous part doesn't seem to work....now that is a total bummer.
Donna....it is rough to have the hair go. That does so much to define who we are and I would imagine ( I sure did ) that we all have the thud right down to our feet where our heart drops when we look at ourselves for the first time. Cancer exacts quite a price all told. I know it is very, very soon for you, but hopefully time will heal you of the horror and upset you feel right now. This is the cost of saving your life.....for yourself, your family, your closest friends and your wonderful companion animals. I hated it and though I liked my wig I wasn't overly fond of having to wear it. I wore a lot of scarves and that was not a thrill either ---- but before my chemo was completely over my hair was growing back ( a bit sparse ) already.....so the madness ends. Soon you are having your last few days of se's from your last chemo and hope, and health, and new beginnings come to live with you again.....everyday.
I use to get thru some of the tough times knowing how much of me would be all brand new....including hair later on. It's a little early to say it, but you do reach a time where you are able to admire your own grit and determination to take this lousy hand you were dealt and turn it into a winner. Also....because you do tend to look at life on a different plane after you have gone through all of this and come out on the other side....you get a do-over on life. At least that is how I felt about it. All the things I ignored or took for granted or thought I needed or wanted, and all the people who hurt me or helped me......I got to re-arrange everything and put it into a better place.
You do need time to be angry, to mourn what you are losing and I highly recommend that. Hard as it is to believe....all these right now negatives should turn back into positives later on, but you do need to fully have what you are experiencing right now in order for you to move away from it later.
Bj----I knew you were gone for too long and I was nervous. So glad you were able to get some help and relief. Spring is here and hopefully it will be all the more enjoyable for you.
Julie I do hope you will find out your exact problem. There are good medications for people who have migraines...my cousin had them so bad she could not see and would be white as a ghost. She was the boss where she worked and the other gals ( at first ) used to be a little derogatory when Carolyn would call in with a headache....then one day it started while she was at work. They all felt so bad for her.....when they saw what her 'headache' was really like. I don't think she ever had a 'normal' one....they were all horrid.
Jennifer....will be thinking about you tomorrow.
Will see you all later.
Hugs,
Jackie
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Hi Everyone,
Just a quick drive by before I go to bed. Yes, my arm is better and I am back at work!!! Everyone there made me feel so welcome. I feel victorious because I had my life stolen from me the day I had my DX. I have now managed to snatch a piece of my former life back from this monster that we call breast cancer! I feel energized when I am at work, and it keeps my mind off things. Rads are going well.
Donna - I know.....you sound like me back in Dec. I got tears reading your post. It's such an emotional thing to shave your head and lose your hair. It does really and truly suck! There is life after chemo, and hair will come back. (I am praying for that everyday myself!) But come here to gripe and complain, because there is a group of loving, caring women here on this thread, and we will get you through it, and listen to you. We understand!
Blackjack - take care of yourself! REST! I'm glad that the "ticker" is OK!
Heard on the news that Maggie Daly, (Da mayors wife) is a bc survivor, but did go in for a biopsy today. Hope things turn out well for her!
Laura - Call me!
OK, gotta go to bed. That alarm goes off EARLY! Hugs to All!!! Carol
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Morning! Lots going on I see.....Blackjack.....I am so sorry that you were in the hospital! I will try giving you a buzz later. If you are at school, don't bother answering as you are so busy there. I can catch up with you tomorrow. Take care of yourself, okay?
Donna....you have a perfect right to be angry, to scream, to cry. Like Susan said, you have lost control of your body. You were doing just fine, perking along and then WHAM....cancer? I have cancer? I have to have surgery? I am losing body parts? Whoa! I have to do what? Chemo? My hair is going to fall out? I will be bald? It's horrible. And cancer is such an unfair disease. You have earned the right to be mad, to be horrified, to be scared. We all were and still are. This is what non-cancerites just don't understand. And never will. And if you feel the need to smack someone, just throw something at them when their backs are turned so they can't sue you! But seriously, the pain and grief you are feeling right now over your hair will get better, and much sooner than you think. It's when I think that you realize that it IS gone and it will only come back when it wants to - and not before. Another thing we have no control over. I will not try and make light of this process for you. You need to grieve. Our hair in many ways defines us as women. And you have lost that right now. So go ahead - be miserable. You go right ahead. But always know that we are hear and we get it. So....hugs to you!
Susan....you got it in one. We have NO control over this disease except the little things like doc appts, scans/tests as warranted, eating healthy, exercise and whatever pills we need to take. But of course the scary part there is....most of us did all that BEFORE our dx and we got it anyway. Once you let go of that, I think it gets easier. I've let go of a lot of it, but it is still the elephant in the room. I have a feeling it aways will be there. It's just a part of me now, as would be any chronic illness. I just don't let it define me anymore.
Carol....you sound so much better now that you are back at work! Glad rads is going ok. Boring isn't it! Seemed to go on forever for me....
Julieb....glad your headaches are for the most part gone. Sounds like it was stress and DH's massage helped you a lot! Heck....ask for one every night as a preventative! As for your friend, I think the PJ's were a nice idea. Just hearing from you I am sure will do wonders for her. If she likes to get cards, notes etc....if you want....we could all send her a little note or something and forward them to you. Do you think she might like that? I am sending her a hug today, so be sure and tell her that we are all pulling for her.
Jennifer....glad you find my life amusing! It has been somewhat quiet around here. Did I ever tell you about the day I got attacked by killer swans at Delnor hosp during rads? Funny stuff....Hope your fill goes well. And tho I didn't have to deal with any of that, I am sure having a bunch of liquid shot into your foob would not be very comfortable...heck, it's gotta hurt like h**l!
Rita....too funny re: WendyTY and getting "naked" in the ladies! But I think it was very brave and so great of her to do this! In some ways I really do think it takes away some of the fear that women have of this disease....seeing how things do turn out after the dreaded dx.
WendyTY ....good for you! Will you be posting pics on the world wide web for all to see?????? (wink-wink)
Time to get moving....to the gym then the grass including edging is in my future. I think too I will wash the Z and take her out for a spin tomorrow. Have a wonderful day, my pets, and enjoy the weather...I heard more snow is coming.
Hey...stop throwing things at me! I was only kidding! Jeesh...a little cancer and you all lose your sense of humor......
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WOW!! Such powerful wisdom and am actually able to absorb it today!!!!This is where it is safe to let emotions out and can be understood. I think that was half my breakdown yesterday, as Wendy termed non.cancerites!!! My DH so gentlty buzzed my hair with love and trying to do it without alot of commotion and i just looked at myself and realized this is the last part I cannot contol anymore. Rita andSusan. ,Jackie..ALL of you always say the right stuff and it is soooo appreciated.
Berrypatch...it is true.. i have to remember and i am working on it. there is life after this. This whole process started nov 21st and the journey will wear anyone down and as long as you pick yourself up and brush yourself up and do it all over again and know we can do this!!Glad your arm is better for work!
Today is a new day and will journal how i am doin so i can get it all out.I think all caught up to me and it is a time to capture where i am at so i can be grateful to the fact, for now, the cancer is out of me and have a chance for a heathly life!!! Triple negative is a bit tricky and i know i am still fortunate it was caught in the early stage as it was.
Bald but Grateful,
Donna
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oops forgot Julie... i am wearing my turban around here and don;t even want my DH to see me,, and he did the buzz!!! Hair is my control and feel stripped and so vulnerable. This is my weak part of the journey for sure and i see that i am worried how i look to others. Have some growth needed here and grateful for all the wisdom here!!! You are with hair now Julie? I am getting ready for tx#2 next WED.. and then 2 more.
Hugs,
Donna
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Good Morning.....Going to get to 80 today here ( my first day back to work...DRAT. Well, at least I do have that deck furniture out. Hmmm, great day to have a Daniels and coke to celebrate after work that warmth seems to have finally arrived.
Donna, glad things are not quite as grim today, but it is a big reason why we stay here. It is not so much that cancer is any special disease....it is because it brings special problems to deal with and because it creates emotions that we don't experience in the same way that happens with other types of illness. I became one of the luckiest people I know when I found this spot and chose to stay....
Well, I have to feed my animals and get ready for work.....see you all after.
Hope, heath, and hugs to everyone.
Jackie
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Morning!
Supposed to be a nice day today! I'm having lunch w/Little C! We live not too far from each other.
CAROLB - I am so sorry! I will call you this afternoon!
Donna - Hang in there. I know it's tough...it's a roller coaster - no doubt! Buckle up and hang on... it will get better!
HAS ANYONE TALKED TO BUDDY1?
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Jennifer - Oh... I forgot...we have Pecker Heads too! (that's what dh calls them) I think ours are Pileated and Red-Headed?
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Laura, Give LIttle C a hug for me and encourage her to keep in touch. I miss her! Hope you gals have a nice lunch. I'm heading for the golf course in a few minutes. It's still a little cool out there so I hope it hurries and warms up!
Rita
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Just a day or two away & so many things are always happening with you all. Not always good stuff, unfortunately
I just wanted to jump on & say hi & I'm thinking of all of you. I miss you guys!!! I really hope there will be an IL gathering again soon.
My 2nd interview was very quick yesterday. I am pretty sure it's the curse of being "overqualifed" but I am still going to be hopeful that they will offer me the job (I'll know by next Friday).
Meanwhile just applying for jobs like a madwoman. I've probably applied for about 50-60 jobs & tried 4 agencies as well. It's a full time job trying to find a job! LOL.
Going to PS for f/u up today (or as I like to tell DH, the "foob squeeze", haha).
Nice warm weather coming - 80's!! YAY!!!!!! I hope everyone is able to get out & enjoy it, even if it's just for a bit. Anytime I'm feeling crappy/sick/in pain/blue, the warm sunshine really seems to help.
Hugs to everyone!!! MISS U !!! Juliet
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Stop talking about my boob!
I can't keep the damn thing in my shirt. I figured a bunch of people I didn't know have seen it, what is one more?!Rita and I just got back from golfing. It was suppose to be nice, but I froze my butt off. Jackie, I hope the weather in Southern, IL is better than here!
Reading though the posts and the conversations on worrying, etc. I started thinking. Girls, we've been though everyone's nightmare. The reality of a cancer diagnosis has hit each of us. Now we can no longer live in denial that bad things do happen and there is nothing that we can do about them but endure. We worry more because we know what it is like to have our world's dumped upside down. It gets back to the life before and after cancer diagnosis. I don't think anyone can take this journey without learning that denial is no place to live. It might be nice to think it is, but it is not. Two of the benefits of the experience that I am thankful for are being able to support each other and the realization that life is fragile. Now I am not suggesting that we live in fear each day of the cancer returning. I think worrying about the worst it is part of our "new normal". This of course is just my thoughts.
Susan - Check out Laura's suggestion about the grape seed oil. I was just reading on using organics. The articles talked about how many people are allergic to regular lotions and one of the reactions was dryer skin. Go figure, trying to get rid of a problem and causing a bigger one.
BlackJack - Glad you are home. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Donna - So sorry you lost your hair. I know how much it sucks. Mine hurt falling out and coming back in.
Juliet, Congrats on getting a second interview! I hope you get the job.
Jennifer - Do they numb you before the fills? Mine didn't hurt beyond the first fill (after the fill - not during). Make sure you let the doctor know. It might be to much to soon, not enough time for numbing, or you have more sensation than I did.
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WendyTY - OMG... too funny!..."can't keep the damn thing in my shirt"!
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I had lunch with LittleC...we didn't shut up for a minute! lol It was great to see her! She looks great... we live really close to each other. Hopefully we can get together again soon!
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Hope you all could get out a little today and enjoy the weather. It wasn't sunny here, but it was warm. Hope it's nice tomorrow... have plans to go bike riding with my friend Celeste... she lives across the road. NO RAIN, PLEASE!
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I had been on Taxotere and they stopped that this time and put me on Taxol. Has anyone taken Taxol?
Mae
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Morning! Hey...remember this picture of Blackjack???? Looks just like her! Hope you are feeling mucho better, dear friend!WendyTY....good words from yesterday! Cancer will ALWAYS be the elephant (or here they call it the whale) in the room. We went skipping along, living our lives and then WHAM...cancer. It will be with us for the rest of our lives, the uncertainty and the fear. BUT....we eventually learn how to live in the "new normal" and it is a great life, but forever changed. This is what non-cancerites will never understand. We cannot move past our diagnosis but we do learn to let it into our lives in such a way that while it may always be with us, it co-exists with everything else, like having to wear glasses or take a thyroid supplement or manage our diabetes/heart disease. We learn that it doesn't mean the end of life today - our world has just shifted and as time goes on, we learn to shift with it. Time...ahhhhh, the great healer. But time moves at her own pace, not ours - so hang in there, my friends. Sunny days are coming.....
Mae...I think some of us were switched from Taxotere to Taxol due to side effects...scroll thru the chemo section and check out the threads. Sorry you had difficulty with the drug.
Laura...you have been having such a nice week! Looks like the rain will hold off enuf today to give you a wonderful bike ride. I see that rain tho has moved into the forecast for tomorrow. It wasn't there at 10pm last night.
I need to get moving. After the gym I am going to look for my mulch and I will see if I can lift those bags. I probably should NOT be doing that with my back, but maybe I can find a nice young man. Years ago I could bat my eyelashes and have them do this for me but alas, those days are now gone and money talks! Heck - it still gets the bags in my van! Enjoy the sun and the warm temps, girls!
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WendyTY... How long did it take for hair to start coming in? I could handle the pain of it coming back!!! I still have two more tx's so hair will not be comin back for awhile.
Mae.. Sorry i AM on Taxotere. I thought the taxol and such were all part of the same family? Someone here will help you!!
Enjoy..today willl be a beauty!!
Donna
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HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
This is hysterical. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
You have to try this it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an Orthopaedic surgeon........... This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying it over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While no one's watching, (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.Your foot will change direction..........
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you haven't already done so.
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Hi girls -
I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day.
Blackjack - sorry about your trip to the ER - hopefully someone can figure out what to do to help you.
Donna - I am like Julieb - I never got used to being bald. I hated it from moment one - it never felt freeing to me. I just went for a haircut this week and my hairdresser was asking me how long it had been growing, so I went back with my dates. My last chemo was Oct 30 07. I remember having a bit of growth around Xmas but not enough to even consider getting rid of the wig. I ditched the wig in April 08 and my hair was very short but long enough so that others would think "why did she cut her hair so short" and not "oh, she has cancer and is bald". So, a good six months before I felt comfortable to go without. Flash forward to a year later and I have a full head of curls. You will get there and trust that we know how difficult it is. You have every right to be mad!
Glad the headache is better, Julieb. I'm surprised you made it through the night and didn't end up at the ER. Sounded so painful.
Carol - glad your arm is better
WendyTY - you are right - it is everyone's worst nightmare. When I think about my biggest fears before bc, cancer was right up there. Not that I thought about it much because of course, it is not going to happen to you, but just the thought is very frightening.
Mae - I was on Taxol after Adriamyacin. I had some severe bone and joint pains during it (Vicodin usually wouldn't even help), but they always went away after about 2-3 days and I felt back to normal. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
I hope everyone has a glorious day.
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Laura,
I had my last class try it and they were so funny. That was soon a mistake as they kept wanting to try again and get it down. So funny!
Susan
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Hi gals!
The wind is whipping fiercely around here but the sun is out and it is WARM!!! I'm still heading for the golf course in spite of the wind. I hit the yard sales this morning and came home with the whole back seat of my convertible filled. Such bargains today!!!!
Laura, I've wiggled my food in a circle and traced the letter 6 in the air and you are so right. Now, being a former science teacher, I'm intrigued about WHY!!! You have me searching through the old anatomy books. I'll have to show my junior high kids at church this on Wednesday. It will keep them entertained for at least 5 minutes! LOL Thanks for sharing!
Well, I need to find some food before I get that Cubbie cart out of the garage. Enjoy this day, ladies. Even with the wind, we've waited a long time for it!!
Rita
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Hey Susan, we were posting at the same time. It's strange how teachers seem to think alike!!! LOL
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Kater - got your email about Joanna. Please let us know how she is doing. Is the bc related?
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