Is anyone else an atheist with BC besides me?
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lisa-I have to agree with you about the thank you notes/texts or calls. I find it annoying when there is no acknowledgement. My older nephews and nieces cash their checks immediately. Text a thank you. My age is showing. I believe in simple courtesies.
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TB90, I can understand how your empathy and compassion can become almost a burden to you. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in this. There is this excellent essay called "Head and Heart Together". Here is a snip.
"Of these four emotions, goodwill (mettā) is the most fundamental. It’s the wish for true happiness, a wish you can direct to yourself or to others....
The next two emotions in the list are essentially applications of goodwill. Compassion (karuṇā) is what goodwill feels when it encounters suffering: It wants the suffering to stop. Empathetic joy (muditā) is what goodwill feels when it encounters happiness: It wants the happiness to continue.
Equanimity (upekkhā) is a different emotion, in that it acts as an aid to and a check on the other three. When you encounter suffering that you can’t stop no matter how hard you try, you need equanimity to avoid creating additional suffering and to channel your energies to areas where you can be of help. In this way, equanimity isn’t cold hearted or indifferent. It simply makes your goodwill more focused and effective."
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SoCalLisa,
I agree. I find lack of courtesy to be a type of failure in upbringing and a failure in living a well lived life. One can be outspoken and passionate about causes and still be courteous. I sense that in the current political climate, courtesy is under attack and that lack of courtesy is spilling over into the social realm.
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Lisa: I agree too. For awhile I mailed presents or gift cards. Now if I send anything besides a card, it's a check. That way I know if the check is cashed, they received the present.
One time I asked a nephew at age about 14 who lived on the other side of the country if he'd received a B-day card I sent. He said - "oh yeah, but there was no money enclosed." He said it was a 'rule' that aunts had to send money and why did I bother to even send a card if there was no money? Needless to say I responded that I wouldn't bother him by sending a card again.
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That nephew sounds like a Wall Street Banker.
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Minus2- a few years ago I notified my nieces and nephews if they did not acknowlege my card or money in a 1 year span, I will not send any more checks. I will continue to send cards because I believe in setting an example. I send cards and checks(small ones) for every major holiday-Valentines, St.Pats, Easter, July 4th, Halloween, Thanksgiving and XMas. They didnt care about the card but they cared about the money. Its poor manners. Face to face, they all, well most, have good manners.
I have sad news. My dear friend passed away this evening. She did not suffer as per the doctor. Saturday, she was talkative and painfree. Im happy my last words to her was I love you and Im taking good care of your dog. She told me she loved me and as soon as she is home from the hospital she wants Bella Her doctor stated the cancer had went to her lungs and brain. She died less than 1 year from her reoccurence.. She had DCIS 7 years ago and had lumpectomy and radiation. She had a wonderful 7 years prior to the reoccurence. She could not tolerate the Chemo. Im rambling. Im going to have a good cry. She was not religious but believed in "people being kind to others"
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jo - sorry for your loss. Holding you close in my thoughts.
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Jo I am so sad to hear your news. I hope that remembering your friend in happier times will help you in the days to come. ❤️
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Jo, Always hard to lose a friend. It's good that she felt pretty well until the end. Yes, try to remember the good times to get through the sadness. Will you keep the dog? Or will family want her?
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Jo. I lost a dear friend to breast cancer a little over a year ago and I still miss her terribly. I hate this horrible disease.
Trish
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I am sorry for your loss. And I am glad your friend had you, to step in to care for her dog. That must have been a huge comfort.
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Jo, I am so sorry for your loss. But how nice that your last conversation was so loving, and that you'll have that memory to cherish.
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Jo,
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Jo- So sorry for your loss, I lost my closest friend to BC a while ago, before I go it, cancer sucks man. Hugs to you.
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Thanks so much for your kind words. My friends' granddaughter informed me today she would honor her grandmothers wishes RE: memorial service. There will be a celebration of life ceremony without a religious componet. Her grandmother would be pleased.
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This short essay always gives me comfort when someone I love dies.
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ananada-Thank You.
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Ananda: And others here. Your knowledge of everything and your ability to support your knowledge with documentation, research and experience has me in absolute awe. It is such a gift to experience such brilliant and sensitive women. I go on my long walks in the snowfall and often think about your words of wisdom.
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TB90,
Thank you for your kind words.
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ananda, that little essay is beautiful.
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Here is another article by the same Aaron Freeman. This one makes me want to think about myself as a particle. https://www.symmetrymagazine.org/article/may-2005/essay-aaron-freeman
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As well as being a physicist, Aaron Freeman is a writer and stand up comedian. Here is his response to the question of god:
Beliefs
In circa 2013, Freeman, in response to a query by Deborah Mitchell, who devoted a chapter of her book Growing Up Godless (2014) to his eulogy, about if he believes in god, responded with the following comedic like agnostic or polite atheist's creed (see: atheist's creed):"I believe in Nike, goddess of victory; Anapurna, goddess of food; Sophia, of wisdom, Shango, of the sky; and absolutely in Dionysus, of wine making and theater!"
I have always loved the goddesses, perhaps in defiance to patriarchy or just in good humour, so this amused me.
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Today was a very emotional day. Today was the funeral of my dear friend. Friends and family celebrated a life well lived and loved. A few individuals interjected a few "she is with God now". None of them said the word heaven because, oh no, she died an atheist. A few even were presumptuous enough to blame her for her cancer. Nobody should be blamed for cancer. This woman never smoked, never drank, exercised daily and was healthy. She was not a perfect person none of us are. She did not suffer fools gladly. She was known to use the GD word in traffic jams. She provided her adult grandchildren with a wonderful upbringing. They loved her And demonstrated their love daily by calling her, visiting with her, rearranging their busy schedules to take her to the doctor and chemo appointments and stay with her while she was hospitalized. They did it out of love. She loved her dog Bella. Bella has been with me since Thanksgiving. Within the next few weeks we will decide the future of Bella. More than likely fellow Bella will remain with me. Today was supposed to have been a celebration of her life but to be honest with you it just hurts like hell. Tomorrow I drive to the West Coast of Florida to spend the day with my niece to work on her pending nuptials. The circle of life.
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It is a blessing of life to have a close beloved friend, and it is terrible to lose them.
By the way please allow me to use the F word about anyone who would blame her atheism for cancer. That's not only irrational, it's disgusting.
You are a good friend, to shelter Bella. I am sure she was a good friend too. The devotion of her grandchildren shows what kind of person she was. I am glad you get to go do something fun and life affirming with your niece.
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santabarbarian-Thanks. Trust ne, I used the F word in my head throughout the day. A funny antidote from today. While one of these lovely ladies was trying to blame her cancer on her atheism, another friend seated next to me who is very religious , looked at me and whispered" WTF"
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hahaha good you had solidarity
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jo, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. That’s hard.Her grandkids’ devotion speaks volumes about her character. It makes me insane to hear people blamed for their cancer, but it’s particularly nuts to try to pin it on her atheism. How in the hell does the person who said that explain all the Christians who get cancer? But her opinion is meaningless. You knew and loved her for who she was and the ones who didn’t can go fuck themselves.
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Wander...totally agree!
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wander-totally agree. Thanks
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Yesterday in NYTimes there was an article on what to say and not say to someone grieving.
Yesterday my SIL used the expression 'as least' many times as she describes her friends experience with her husband having a stroke. At least it wasn't A, At least it wasn't B. Sadly, nothing about how her friend really felt.
It seems to me the key in what to say is about hearing what the grieving person feels and not how to make yourself feel better and feel distanced from the grief.
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