Exchange City
Comments
-
Hello sisters,
I wanted to check in. I'm trying to keep up with this thread - sooooooo challenging. There is so much wisdom, stories, generosity here!
I just posted my most recent pics on the Picture Forum. I would appreciate any feedback. That said, I'm not sure anything can be done right now except wait and see if the exchange can correct what has gone.... uh.... astray. My name on that site is "Wabiwoman".
I definitely feel like I'm going deeper and deeper inside myself these days. Work continues to be so daunting (one of my clients suicided recently - I know it is not my fault - he was a long term cocaine/alcohol/amphetamine user - and there is nothing I could have done to stop him - but the experience is casting some darkness in me right now). I do wonder how my work is impacting my healing sometimes.
My physical pain is daunting. I'm at full tilt (430cc in my left breast, 490 in my radiated side). There is 5 inches between the expanders and since they are so lateral on me there is numbness under my arms. The worst part though is knowing my ribcage is being altered - and I know this can be a by-product of expansion. I have sharp pain when I try to even do one sit-up or if I sneeze. I notice myself not breathing fully - I must be unconsciously trying to avoid pain. I think I know a solution would be to take some fluid out of the expander on that side, but I am afraid I will be messing with the final result. I'm going for small 300 or 325cc high profile mentor. Anybody else had this sort of pain and what did you do/not do?
I need to do a gratitude list - 10 things to pull me out of this funk: I'm grateful for you women (especially the ones who seem to always be here - the guardians of the board, the goddesses of the journey), I'm grateful for the soft bellies of my cats, I'm grateful for this beautiful rainy day and the way the wind makes the leaves flicker and dance in their oranges and reds, I'm grateful for music (especially Joni Mitchell right now - again and again), my car, candles, the peace I feel after meditation, good friends, my own healing from other things in this life which gave me the tools to deal with THIS healing in my life, my dream to make my living as an artist someday and, yes, even though I know I'm not supposed to drink coffee - I'm grateful for warm mugs of coffee extra, extra light milk and honey. YUM!!!!!!!
What gets you through, ladies?
Peace,
Geena
0 -
I have been in an emotional funk since Thursday and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. It all started after my post-op visit with my ps. I had my exchange done on 11/4. He asked how I liked my new breasts and I said I wasn't sure how I felt. He then went on to say "you thought they would like like a playboy model's breasts". I knew going into this that they would never look like that and that was OK. I guess I expected them to look better than they do. I have been on the picture forum and knew what to expect and some of yours look damn good! Also want to add that I never really mourned the loss of my breasts and I'm thinking maybe I am now because these implants are permanent. I can't seem to stop crying when I think about it. How much time do you have to give yourself to adjust?
0 -
wabiwoman,
What I suggest is a change in your environment, that works for me. Leave your house and drive, go to a hotel or an inn and free yourself from all of your familiar surroundings. When I was going through a particular dark time, I went to the beach. My room had a balcony overlooking the ocean. Just feeling nature up close and personal helped me gain perspective on my place in the world. It helped me heal . I did this last year as well, went to a hotel with my family to celebrate my son's birthday one week before Christmas. It was an escape from the holiday hustle and bustle and it had a very calming effect.
Perhaps if you are having so much pain with the expanders, you could have some fluid removed?
Maybe now is the time to step away from your work and explore your dream? Can you go out on disability? Dealing with others issues is not going to be healing for you at this time. Grief can manifest in physical pain and illness and cause physiological changes. The healthiest thing you can do is remove yourself from that and surround yourself by things that bring you peace.
I hope things get better for you!
Dianne
0 -
don23
your experience sounds so much like mine. My ps said about the same thing to me, if I am looking at pictures of augmentation, I will never have that result because I do not have breast tissue. I too kept thinking of all of the wonderful results on the picture forum. Obviously are ps's never saw great results because they never produced them, so they are ignorant as to how great a woman can look!
It got to wear I kept going back, wanting him to fix things and crying each time I saw him. My answer came with a new, female, ps. My revision is in December.
0 -
Laura
What is the name of your thread on tim tams site?
0 -
don23-I am with you. I had my xchange Tuesday. I expected them to be at least similar, I wasn't expecting perfection. I too know it is early, but I can't believe my rads boob will ever look anything like my real boob that has a small implant and lift. When my son comes home, he will help me post the pics on the reconstr. board. You can look at me and know you are not alone!
0 -
Geena: Oh dear Geena - I pray that you emerge from that dark place. I fear you have one of those positions in life which casts you into regular exposure to people who are grim, joyless, self-destructive and refuse to abandon the notion of anything which might bring them healing, reality and joy. I have so many friends who have adult children or spouses or someone they love, who have gone down a path which is self-destructive and these friends have wrestled as you do with the mantle of sadness they feel compelled to wear, because of choices made by others.
What you are experiencing and internalizing with your occupation, reminds me of passages from "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. This is an allegorical treatise of the differences between those who chose heaven and those who choose hell. This stuff can be so heady for me - I have actually had to read a number of interpretive reviews of the book - to help me expand and further understand some of what C.S. Lewis was trying to convey to the reader. In this book, something emerges and to some, the description might sound callous, insensitive and heartless. I But I don't see it that way. I think that whether one believes in heaven or hell or God - joy IS an element of choice. I think your occupation has many of the hazards portrayed in "The Great Divorce" - but you get yours in mega doses.
So here is the question: "Should the loveless and the self-imprisoned should be able to blackmail the universe? That unless they are happy on their own terms no one else can taste joy? That theirs should be the final power? That hell should be made to beat out heaven? The day must come when joy prevails and all the makers of misery are no longer able to infect it. Or else, forever and ever, the makers of misery can destroy in others the happiness they reject for themselves." The soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will never miss it.
You asked how some of us cope. Well, this is in lengthy, and I hope -not-too-confusing-discourse, my answer. There is this idea of joy that God prepares for those who wish to know Him. I do and this is how I get through the muck and mire...
I hope you rekindle your joy. I know you are a bright, deep and searching soul. I have read your posts over the past year and I have grown to respect your candid and artistic way of expressing your thoughts in a small amount of posting. I honestly agree with Dani - referable to exploring your dream and also referable to getting rid of those darn tissue expanders. I feel that after the diagnosis of cancer - we cannot waste one more precious moment of our lives, locked in a joyless and impenetrable prison - especially in our life's work. I hope we can all explore with you some options, if an "out" is what it takes to find joy. Please stay here on EC for awhile, for here you will certainly find plenty of love and support.
Deborah
0 -
Oops....something happened and the post was submitted before I was finished with my rant....LOL!!!
don23 - I want you to get a second opinion. If you don't want to post your photos on the forum, you can send them to me privately, as many have done. This is not the end of the road for you missy.....
0 -
Okay, something weird is going on with the posts. This was what I wrote FIRST:
don - This comment made by your PS is on my top ten list of reasons I am committed to being a breast reconstruction activist! Do you think for a minute he would have made this comment to a breast augmentation patient? Never! What? We do not deserve some portion of happiness and beauty in our breast reconstruction journey? Are we second rate in his estimation? I-DON'T-THINK-SO-BUDDY! .....
And then part two above....
0 -
Dear don23:
I don't typically post here, but I do read.
But...I'm sorry...he said what? What a DRIP (think other 4-letter word)!
whippetmom (as usual) is right. Go talk to someone else.
Be good to you -
0 -
Thanks for all your feedback. I thought I was just being too sensitive about all this but glad to see I'm not. I will try to post photos soon. Someone may have to walk me through that process. I don't know how to do that. As far as getting a second opinion - should I not wait to see how these implants shape up first?
0 -
don23 - Describe your current status. What led to the doctor making that unbelievable comment? Based on what you described in your earlier post regarding your level of disappointment, coupled with your doctor's response, I would say something is amiss. Let's get your photos posted and see what is going on.0
-
I am seeing some pagination quirks when I come to the EC thread. Today, whenever I post, I am taken immediately to Page 264, which is blank, apart from Jean's header post. It states, "Page 264 of 263", which is odd. Is it just my computer? Anyone else experiencing this? I hope there is not a storage limit for threads....ours is the longest.....
0 -
(((Geena))) I just read your story on the picture forum and I am w/ Deborah. Why can't your PS schedule your exchange sooner? I would be happy to place your exchange date in bold letters any time in the near future. It is not fair that you have to live w/ such pain, especially after all you have been through. I am sending warms hugs and lots of love over the airways. We are with you sister!!!! - Jean
0 -
Deborah - I just posted and it acted wierd as well. But then I could come back to this page. I wonder whether it is something w/ our thread or w/ the entire web site??
0 -
Deb, that just happened to me when I came to EC. If there is a storage limit, someone will just have to start Exchange City Part 2.
don23, If you aren't happy with your PS, what he has done so far and his remarks etc, start interviewing some other surgeons. I wish I had done that when I still had my expanders in instead of going thru the exchange and a revision before looking for someone else. I probably could have avoided surgeries 5 and 6. When I told PS that I didn't want high overly perky breasts of a 17 year old, he said Too bad. That's what you're going to get. That should have been my clue. I too cried a lot and obsessed and got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I looked at myself in the mirror. See if you can get your pictures posted and start interviewing other PS. I had a second revision by a different PS and I'm pretty happy with the results now.
Deborah, how are your grafts holding up?
0 -
Hello brave Lisa! Welcome to EC! Yours is an interesting journey to BC....wishing you luck on Monday for a "trouble free" surgery....if that is even possible! Good for you for your strength that comes through your posting!
Geena.....hugs dear sister...I can only say "Amen" to what Deborah stated. My relationship with God has grown tremendously these past couple of years through so much illness with my family and friends. He did not want this for us and he made us to be joyfilled....but we are a fallen humanity and things get in the way. We do need people like yourself who can offer hope to those wh struggle with addiction etc, but you need to know when to pull back. You must first minister to yourself if you are to minister to others the way your work demands. I have been out of work this whole past year since just before my dx. Although not at first, I have come to look at that as a gift. Not sure what I will do next....but I am trusting in the Big Man to direct me. I hope you can take the time to be good to yourself right now, perhaps pull back a bit and take care of yourself....
That and this thread has saved me from at times thinking I was going crazy! The pain, sadness, lack of grief then total grief over the loss of my breasts, the ignorance, the knowledge, the sense of being alone to the sense of community....the acceptance that there are some things I can control and some things not....all of that I have found on this site and especially on this thread.
God has been generous in leading me here. It has given me the strength I needed...I hope we can offer you the same.
Thanks you all sista's!
God Bless!
0 -
I am having the same issues with the pages Deborah....
0 -
I'm only having the page issues with EC. The other threads I visit seem to be normal.
0 -
Whippetmom - My PS had asked me what I thought after he told me that they look great. I told him I'm not sure how I feel about them yet and then he went on to say that about a playboy model. Maybe he wanted me to say that I love them but I was being honest. One breast has contour and one doesn't and I don't know if it will. I never really got an answer on that. He did say he had to do some pocket work. He did try to put in the 550cc implant but it was too small so he went with the 650cc implant (good thing or I would really be miserable - I would have been too small). My disappointment comes in the fact that I did not receive any reassurance that if I am not happy with something that it can be fixed! Now I am wondering - maybe it can't. I will post my photos as soon as I can get one of my daughters to help me do that.
0 -
Same thing with the page issues on the EC on my end too.
don23 ~ I hope everything works out for you. Something's in the water this week because it has been emotionally draining me. Most days I am happy as a lark, then on some very down. Stressing about reconstruction (lift/exchange), the implant size (is it going to symmetrical? Am I going to be happy?), etc. I did miss taking my Tamoxifn for 2 days...I am horrible about remembering to take pills! It seems like this roller coaster of emotions began when I started forgetting to take my meds. Who knows??? Many hugs~~~
NAE
0 -
don23 - You would just be amazed at what CAN be fixed! I am blown away sometimes. The easiest way to start with the pictures loading issue is to go to www.drpic.com. Then, load one photo at a time. Resize that photo by 50%. Save that photo in your photos on Microsoft or wherever you store them but give them a new name. Then, go to the pictures forum and start your thread - give us a little background with your TE information and implant style, type # of cc's, etc., load your photos. I can only get two photos to load per post. You have to answer your own post and then click on other options [or something like that - as photo loading does not just automatically appear on a responsive post] and load two more. But two photos should be all we need to see what you need.
Firni: Ha....you read my mind! I was just going to post about my fat grafting results thus far. Well, I think that I have currently about a 50% improvement. The fat in the upper pole appears to not be "taking" very well. I have read that some women just have persistent step-off deformity issues in this regard and if your skin is thin and your chest wall is bony, perhaps Strattera or some other outlandishly expensive material might work, but Kaiser is not going to bite the bullet on that one in my case. I have a couple of lumps which have formed- one on either breast - which I hope resolve, dissolve, are absorbed. If I am not too worried about them right now. I am sure something can be done about them non-invasively. But I am feeling very good - eleven days post-surgery. I have been walking, but I am going to start exercising a bit more again Tuesday, when I can ditch the compression girdle. I have a number of bullet holes on both breasts - they look like bullet holes. That must have been a horse needle they used on me. Incisions large enough to require sutures. So more scars to address. But I am glad I made that second attempt. The ripples are very much improved. So, that was it for me and now I am moving on to nipples and tattoos. I'll post photos next week.
0 -
I am going to ask one of the moderators about our pagination issues....just want to make sure we do not lose any posts.....
ADDENDUM: I just realized the moderators probably cannot help and so I reported it as a technical issue to BC.org.
0 -
Deborah I'm glad there was some gain from the procedure but it's too bad there wasn't more success. At least the ripples are improved. Yea.. Nipples.
shoshi How are you feeling?
0 -
firni thx for asking, i am still feeling quite sh**ty..i have been trying thru out the day to start from page 1 of this forun=m & the 1 step...havent gotten very far..i have to keep re-reading the same line..LOL thank goodness for the silly games on FB...i dont have to concentrate on those.
Deborah, i'm glad ur feeling better, i still dont c where they could have taken any fat off, gosh u r in perfect shape if u ask me..LOL
Don23 if my ps said to me anything that was in even remotely rude, i'd be gone. Yesterday i had to wait for an hr b4 i was seen & 2 ppl went ahead of me..i am quite blunt..i told him that was rude..well he waited till i had every question answered..i wound up even asking the questions that deborah suggested i talk to a surgical nurse abt & i was going 2, but after that....he answered everything very patiently...LOL it's the New Yorker in me..Firmi, i am so sorry u had to go thru so much b/c ur ps was a piece of sh** for telling u too bad!!!! i told my ps since i am going to have new scars i want him to fix up the old ones...he said no problem..he has it all in my chart & 2 bring other implants & expanders just in case!!! i made sure it was in my chart, I have had many surgeuires on my foot & if i would have opened my mouth like i do now, i probably wouldn't have such problems..so i am used to going to Dr's & asking questions abt surgery & telling them what I WANT!!!
hope everyone is feeling good!!! say a prayer for me to get better soon, i am not used to feeling this yucky
0 -
so even though i am not getting TE (as of now) i'd stilll like to b part of this board..i hope this is ok. My surgery is for Dec 15th, :-)
0 -
I haven't been here for a while but I find I, once again need some advice. I think I may have developed a leak in my right foob. It used to be very hard but has started to get kind of squishy on top of the TE. I can feel about 1/4 inch of fluid between my skin and the TE. I am scheduled for my exchange in a week and a half. Is this something I should call the PS about over the weekend or just wait until Monday - or not call at all. Any advice would be welcome.
Allison
0 -
test
0 -
Allison,
My PS always told me to call at anytime if I had concerns or questions....that is what they get paid for. Sounds like you have a question/concern. I would call. Saline won't harm you, but I would seek advice regardless.
Godd luck and God Bless!
0 -
Geena ~
First of all my expanders looked SO bad they were really far apart, one was higher than the other and they were under my arms - that alone was SO uncomfortable. As I got more fills it just got worse. I had to get them at least 2 weeks apart and only 50ccs. I understand why you don't want to get any saline out because you want your skin to stretch to have enough room for the implant. Some women just have a hard time during the expansion and I was one of them and it sounds like you are too. That really brought me down at times too. I also felt like I couldn't take a deep breath for 6 months and I believe my ribcage was affected. My last fill I had was to 400cc (which I knew I needed if I wanted 475cc implants) was SO painful that I had to take oxycontin. I couldn't sleep and thought I have to take out some ccs, but it was better by morning.
HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS - My implants are soft and comfortable. I talked at length with my PS about not being under my arms (and they aren't) and after the exchange I let out a huge sigh of relief (because I could breathe again!) They look so much better too!
IN THE MEANTIME - Be good to yourself and realize this IS temporary. Eat chocolate, read trash novels, watch reality shows or Doris Day movies, whatever can get you through the day. As others have said your job gives you an extra hurdle. Take the pain meds - I took them off and on the whole time I was expanded. I have younger kids so I couldn't take them during the day when I was driving but during the evening I did. It helped to sleep too. I took a lot of hot showers, rubbed Palmers cocoa butter cream into my skin, and used those rice bags that you heat in the microwave.
You will get through it. I wish it weren't so hard for you now. PM me anytime. We are all here for you.
don & new exchange sisters ~ I didn't like my implants very much at first either. I was so disappointed the first week I couldn't even post about it. They really needed time to drop and settle. They look so much better now after 6 months, which is not to say you shouldn't find a new PS or consider a revision, but they do look different with time.
Love to all ~ Peg
0
