Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?
Comments
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Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.
Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever,
even if your whole world seems upset.
- Saint Francis de Sales0 -
And dark chocolate gelato=yummy heaven!
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Hi,
Just checking in. I am back in Fl. It is hot, but so was GA. The upstairs A/C at my daughter's house in GA conked out last Sat. They called the guy they have been using since they bought the house. They have replaced both units costing (me) about $12,000. This upstairs one was replaced just over (6 weeks over) the 2 year mark. Just long enough that warranty doesn't cover labor. Guy came out, was there for a while, then told Scott the compressor and something else major would have to be replaced. The parts were covered by warranty, but labor would be about $500. He said he would call the next day to schedule the repair. When it got to about four the next day, and he hadn't called, Scott texted him. His reply was " I am not going to fix it. Please don't call me again" Huh? We have no idea what happened. Scott is very laid back, never raises his voice and thought he and this guy had a friendly relationship. Now what do they do? They called another company to come out. That night, Nancy was so hot she slept with me- I was fine because my bedroom is downstairs. The only time they could send someone the next day was between 12-2. That's the day I was flying home. Guess what time I had to be to the airport- between 1-1:30. I ended up at the airport at 11:45 so Scott could be home by 12. Nancy ended up arguing with someone over repair or replaced and she got so frustrated she said " you. Better not mess with a menopausal maniac that hAsnt slept since Sat.
Then I get home to find out that my DD who lives in the warehouse has no air either. They are using fans, but they are just moving hot air around They have no fresh air coming in at all. Normally, the landlord would take care of the A/C, but her husband signed a lease saying they would be responsible to keep costs down. They all just came in to cool off, so I will sign off for now.
Prayers for Sandra, Mike and Ryan. On FB last night she said she was on the way home because Ryan was having some sort of crisis.
Anne
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No sooner had I posted that things seemed ok with Ryan, than he called and said he didn't think he could make it another few hours and needed to die. He didn't want to go to the hospital. Mike and I both talked to him and got him to take some Xanex and try to sleep until I could get there. Thankfully there were only a few minor freeway traffic tie-ups in Houston so it only took me 40 minutes to get 20 miles to I-10 from the Medical Center. After that it was fine and I was able to cover another 189 miles in 3 hours.
Ryan was in despair when I got home but responded quickly to me being there and gently supporting him. Unfortunately Mike and I have had many years of dealing with a mentally ill child and it's no different now that he is a bi-polar, suicidal depressive 31 year old alcoholic. He cycled from deep depression and tears to talking fast and loud the rest of the day. By 1:30 a.m. last night everything was ok and I was able to go to bed. I'll stay here in San Antonio for a few days and hope to talk him into going back to the behavioral health hospital. If that doesn't work, I'll bring him back to Houston with me. Maybe seeing his father, even though it will be through a window, will make him feel better. I'll ask a friend to feed the cats and water the plants...or the plants that are still alive. Ryan watered sporadically. The lawn shows large dead circles everywhere and about a third of the plants didn't get watered at all it seems. The house was a mess with empty wine bottles everywhere. Ryan kept apologizing and crying. He did the best he could. At least the cats are happy and fed. In the past, he's done fine during most of our trips away but this time, with the worry over his father, it was just too much.
Mike is relieved that I'm here taking care of Ryan, but sounds weak and very tired. I wish I could clone myself and be there too.
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Sandra, so sorry what you & Mike are going through with Ryan. It's difficult enough to have an adult child with medically-controlled depression, and Bob & I agonize what will happen to him once we're gone: he is dyspraxic and has neither household nor employable skills beyond his improv, acting and writing talent--the products of which the marketplace increasingly expects to consume free of charge these days. Every disappointment now is like a blow to my own soul now and ever since he was little I've harbored a fear that he is only on loan to us from the universe. At least Gordy willingly takes his meds and has his art, sense of humor and passion for spectator sports & music to give him a reason to get out of bed (however late in the day that may be). I can't imagine what it must be like to add bipolarity and substance abuse to the mix. Make permanent room in your pocket for me in that regard.
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Sandra, it must be so heartbreaking to see your child in such pain. My SIL has battled with depression since a child, and while she has a good job, owns a condo, etc., there have been cycles of ups and downs. It's a terrible feeling to think you just can't climb out of the darkness. I hope Ryan is able to get the help to maintain, both for himself and also for you and Mike. Sandy, our children never stop being our children, do they, no matter what their age or circumstances. I'll be thinking good thoughts for all out there with mental health challenges.
And heat really just exacerbates all the stress! We're heading into about a week of triple digits with heat. We have air, but if it goes out, there's always a backlog to get a repairman out. Take care all...
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ChiSandy and Dara, I appreciate your supportive words. Not only do they test our patience like stubborn 2 year olds, our mentally ill adult children are able to touch every other emotion we are capable of feeling...sometimes all within the same day.
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Come from the heart, the true heart, not the head. When in doubt, choose the heart. This does not mean to deny your own experiences and that which you have empirically learned through the years. It means to trust your self to integrate intuition and experience. There is a balance, a harmony to be nurtured, between the head and the heart. When the intuition rings clear and true, loving impulses are favored. -Brian L. Weiss
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As all the others have said, it is hard to have a well-grown son or daughter that has such mental issues that they need our help nearly as much as when they were on the way to adulthood. I've learned not to blame myself or feel in-adequate that I can't change anything for the better. It is sometimes a tiresome aspect to feel like there should be something if you could just find it. All doors have keys it seems --- so I fall back on feeling that both of us, the child, and us the parents, are growing our souls through challenges and that this, for both of us, is one of them. We may not know the answer, but God does and when all else fails, I rely on God.
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Listen for my stories in the whispers of the wind.
Listen to the truth in the gurgling of a mountain brook.
Nature remembers the truth. Be still and listen.
Listen to your heart's guidance.
- Susan Gregg0 -
Hi all,
I just got home from Ga Wed evening and I'm headed out again on Thurs. I am going to NY to be with my brother and the rest of the family. Our younger brother will be driving up from NC next Mon. There hasn't been any major changes, but he is sleeping more and eating less. I had sent his wife a message, saying that my brother and I wanted to go up ASAP when we originally heard he was headed to Hospice. But his wife said he knew we were coming up in the fall, after their son and his family went back home to Germany and she thought that us coming sooner would upset Bill, so we waited. But then I thought it would make sense to go up while their son was there, I've never met his wife or kids and asked if she was okay with that. I never heard back. So I sent another message on Thurs to his daughter. She responded and said we are welcome whenever we want. She apologized for her Mom not responding to the original message. She intended too but.... I told her I knew how stressful their situation , but the reason I'm goingwas, and knew from experience that some days you have trouble remembering to brush your teeth, much less answer your emails.
When I told my sister I was coming, she sent me a picture of my brother taken within the past week. I am so glad she did. He looks awful, thin, old, frail. The most recent picture I had of him was 2 years ago, and you would never guess that it is the same person. Without her picture, I would have walked into Hospice, my jaw would have hit the floor and I would be a sobbing mess. At least I will be able to keep my face neutral, I hope. I will be staying with my sister, but am not looking forward to that. She doesn't believe in A/C, even if though her apartment has it. She only uses it when the humidity is very high. I am a FL girl who uses the air all the time except for when we need to put the heat on, which happens maybe a couple of days every 3 years or so. She still hasn't told me about her trip to Disney World in May yet, and has been in a very prickly mood since then. My cousin/older sister tried to tell Margie it would be easier for me to stay with her, because she actually has a spare room, and because of her asthma, she runs the air conditioner. At my sisters, I get the bedroom and she sleeps on a pullout couch. Margie wasn't having any of that, so vehemently that my cousin said she hopes to see me when I'm there. I said I will see her if I have to rent a car to get to her. That won't happen, because my sister doesn't let me out of her sight when I am there- she is afraid that we will talk about her behind her back. Little does she know that we exhausted that topic years ago and we all know she is what she is and she is not going to change.
I only bought a one way ticket. Not sure if I will drive partway back with my brother, stay longer than him, or fly back in two weeks. I am thankful that I have the freedom to not make a binding decision right now. If I feel my presence is helpful, I'll stay longer. If I am just sitting at my sister's house, sweating to death, I'll head out sooner. I am glad I am going to be with my family at this time, but not happy about the circumstances or accommodations.
Anne
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Anne, that does sound like it will be a little rough for you. Good though that you are accomplishing getting to see your brother. At least then no regrets for that. Too bad your sister couldn't be a bit more generous with you --- and she must realize that she HAS some real deficiencies elsewise she wouldn't be sure anyone would say things about her that she would find un-pleasant or feel were un-truthful.
Most of us know what we are and learn to live with it --- and likely accept that others may "see" us in a less than great light. Ah, we are all such unique individuals, aren't we !!!! Well, through each and everyone we learn something and it all helps us in some way or other --- even when it may be hard to be around at times. I learned much from a sister who just hated me because --- I never really discovered much of a reason ever. Forgive me for saying it, but I can't say I was totally torn when she passed away shortly after we moved back home here. Yet --- I learned so much of what I did not want to be ---- so to everything that happens, there are lessons, and things to discover, and as well --- others may watch how you handle things and make decisions of how they might feel or wish to be. Even my sister's husband said to his now wife that he thought I was just the sweetest person.
Well, I'd like to say what did he know, but even though he sincerely loved my sister --- he wasn't blind to her behaviors. I thought he was an absolute saint for many of the things she did to him.
Long story Anne, but just how things can go and I hope it all comes out okay for you.
Jackie
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I promise to keep on living as though I expected to live forever. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years.People grow old only by deserting their ideals.Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. -Douglas MacArthur
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Good Luck Anne. I"m sure this trip will be very difficult. Thinking of you and your family.
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We have been accustomed to thinking that we have to get something
from outside us in order to be happy, but in truth it works the other way:
we must learn to contact our inner source of happiness and satisfaction
and flow it outward to share with others--not because it is virtuous
to do so, but because it really feels good.
Shakti Gawain0 -
(((((Anne)))))
Today, well hmmm. Several super pour downs yesterday along with the rain that fell all night long beforehand. It also rained all night long last night. Our water table --- the forecast is sort of mushy ground all over the place and even parts of lawns with a bit of standing water. This is not the kind of crispy, dry Augusts we normally have. Anyway ---- not sure what we will get today. Though I was glad of some rain --- as usual when it rains it pours and we have had enough for awhile but could get more. We will just have to see how it goes.
Otherwise life continues. Did hear some bad news last night. I have a cousin, a little older than me that has terminal liver cancer. Her brother passed away about 5 yrs. ago form Esophageal cancer, and the oldest sister died of cancer as well. Lately ( as I'm sure so often happens ) with the dx. itself becoming so prominent --- there is now a 'family' history building up. When I was dx-ed. I really couldn't point to anyone in my family for sure -- and now that has changed --- in just the space of a few years. Since my Dad, Mom, and Sister have all passed --- I have no one in the immediate family -- there was just the four of us, but so many cousins etc. now.
Anyway, my cousin was a very sweet, loving, caring woman who raised her family, then went to school and became a nurse until retirement a few yrs. back. She did not have 'bad' habits so it is just one of those things. Sure hated to hear it though. We don't pick and choose ( as though a reminder is needed ) but the storms come when they will and it is for us to deal with those challenges as best we can.
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hi guys just thinking of everyone. God be with the ones that are dealing with tragedy and grief. 😢 shuf
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Jackie, so sorry about your cousin. I guess as we get older, the numbers of those we know with cancer certainly creeps up. My husband just spoke with a close friend from high school last night. He mentioned my dx and his friend told him he goes in on the 23rd for surgery for throat cancer. Of the 5 close friends, 1 has already passed with cancer (he was in Vietnam and they think his cancer was linked to Agent Orange, and another died of an aneurism. We all just have to stay diligent and safeguard our health.
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Looking back, cancer has touched quite a few folks in my life: my best buddy in law school (who’d been a combat medic in ‘Nam) died at only 31 of ALL when he was about to leave Ft. Huachuca for JAG school at the Presidio; another law school buddy has had both melanoma on his arm and a squamous cell carcinoma on his forehead. A dear friend, who’d been a radio news producer and auto-racing commentator, was also a lifelong smoker. She and her doctor had thought that radiation had cured her throat cancer, but a routine CT scan showed mets to her liver and lungs, and she passed at only 53. Yet another friend who worked her way up from an OB LPN to an assistant professor of nursing had smoked for 15 years and given it up for another 15 before developing lung cancer--she passed away at only 46. A friend has just celebrated 4 years NED from non-small-cell lung cancer (but only grudgingly has switched from cigarettes to a nicotine patch). He had a lobe resected and had to have neoadjuvant chemo & rads in order to shrink the remaining part of the tumor to operable size; instead, he had PCR and there’s no tumor left to have to remove. My dad’s sister (a heavy smoker & drinker) died of esophageal cancer at 64; his half-sister died of liver & gall bladder mets from melanoma at 77.
And my mom had smoked for 50 years before giving it up at 65. Her lungs never fully recovered, and 20 years after quitting her COPD gave her congestive heart failure. A CT scan for a bad productive cough that landed her in the hospital showed a “6cm lesion, highly suspicious for malignancy” in her lung but she refused biopsy--at 84, she asked “what for? I’m almost 85 and my heart & lungs are shot anyway.” She also was diagnosed with MRSA in the other lung--treated successfully with IV vancomycin--went on home hospice, was discharged 6 months later when she was declared no longer terminal. But a month after that, she relapsed and died.
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Humankind has not woven the thread of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.
- Chief Seattle -0 -
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. But it makes me SO angry that hey found a way to treat AIDS within 10 years of the first outbreak- they still can't cure cancer? It's all about money. On Facebook, I saw a Dr saying that ONC's get a share of what the chemo costs. It's Facebook, so it may or may not be true, but still...
I should say I am very glad about the progress on AIDS, it's just an example.
My niece sent me a message last night saying my brother took a significant turn for the worst Mon. He is sleeping a lot and has taken pain meds for the first time. She said he also said he doesn't want anymore visitors. I am not sure if that means friends or if it includes us. I plan to go there at least once, regardless.
And the wax in my ears has built up, so much, I finally went to the Dr yesterday. It started in Ga, and my right ear popped all the way home. The flight to NY is almost double the length than Ga, so I wanted to clear it up before I fly again. The used 3 Windex size bottles of hot water and still didn't get a lot of it. But, while I was just dealing with the popping before I went, my right ear is muffled and I can't hear out of the left one at all now. I am using Debrox drops twice a day.
I have promised Vctoria I would take her school shopping this week, and need to get me some tops, but I would rather just go back to bed and shut the world away. With the bad news about my brother, the stress of staying at my sister's in Aug, my ears and needing to go shopping, I am a total mess.
Thanks for listening
Anne
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I hear your frustration about AIDS & cancer research, Anne. But while AIDS is caused by a single virus, cancer in general (and bc specifically) is a giant bushel basket of different diseases with different etiologies, the only common factors being out-of-control cell division and potential to spread.
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No one is happy or free who lives only for him or herself.Joy in living comes from immersion in something one recognizes to be bigger, better, worthier, more enduring than his or her own self.True happiness and true freedom come from squandering one's self for a purpose. - Carl W. McGeehon
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Hi all,
Sorry to say, but my brother passed about 45 minutes ago, less than 8 hrs before I will be there.I do not feel guilty about that because I was on my way, and it was his wife that asked my younger brother and I to wait. She asked us to wait until after Bill's son's visit because that was what Billy expected and she didn't want to scare him with a change in the expected.
As my younger brother said, Billy made people smile. He was a true gentleman that I never heard an angry word from. He was a NYC firefighter who was based in the house that had the largest number of fires in the country. Then he worked at the least busy firehouse- without moving at all. His house was in the South Bronx, and eventually, every thing that could burn had burned.
The last time I visited him, he took us all on a great tour of our old neighborhood in the Bronx. Then he and his wife took just me out to lunch at a great sports memorabilia restaurant. You know it had to be really special, because I know next to nothing about sports and I saw superball rings and World Series trophies and knew a lot of names of athletes who have stuff on display.
He will be missed by a lot of people, not just his family. I am flying up tonight
Anne
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So sorry for your loss Anne. My prayers are sent to you and your family. Dara
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Anne, it is so difficult to loose people we love. They live in us thru the good memories we have.
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Sorry to hear this news -- not what you really would have liked I know, but there are many things for which we have no choice. Prayers and love for you and your family as you all learn to adjust and accept this world without your loved one in it. As long as they are in our heart they are not so very far away. Peace and comfort to all.
Jackie
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Sorry for the loss of your brother, Anne. May his memory be for a blessing.
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Anne - I'll be holding you in my thoughts.
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So sorry for your loss Anne
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