MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish
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Whoops! I did forget I always remember I have cancer when I have scans or tests because there's no escaping that scanxiety feeling. And I have a diagnostic mammogram tomorrow, which I had forgotten about. See how my ADD works? So now I am scanxious, haha.
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we're with you for your scan, heartnsoul! Let us know how it goes. At least you had forgotten about it for a while. lol. See there is a good side of our brain fog, we forget to be scared.
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Lovewins, celebrate the milestones, they are important.
One of the BC did was open my eyes and remove the blinders. I had to learn so much, so fast to be able to ask intelligent questions which helped me to understand to make better choices for myself. I was also a caregiver to a fiancé with cancer many years ago. Then I was only the cheerleader and caregiver. Being the one going thru it, I had to give myself an advanced education in which affected me, still be caregiver to my family and be the cheerleader for me and family members. Big tiring, exhausted burden.
And about milestones, thanks for all the support, it helped tremendously! This thread understands that we're not young any more (well, maybe young at heart), but far away from old age. My colonoscopy and endoscopy went well, small polyp in each but not a problem. Yup, it's the 5-year plan for me. You all have magic powers because I had been beating myself up because I waited so long. Will not add that anxiety to me again!
H&S, wishing you the very cleanest of scans! Squeaky clean!
Momine, thank you for the interesting explanation and history of the swastika. I had seen it before not related to Hitler and didn't give it much thought. Glad you took the time to explain.
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HnS, Scanxious sounds funny when you say it out loud. Haha! Good Luck getting through all the squishing today. If you get same day results, report back...we will be waiting to hear.
2TA, You get an A+ for using the bold face type on the word far. The closer we can get to good health, the less actual age becomes an issue. "You're as young as you feel," the saying goes. I felt like I was pushing 70 when I was on the chemo. Coming off of it, I could feel myself doing a "Benjamin Button" and growing younger. (One thing that was unfortunate was I had to renew my drivers license last year, so I am stuck with what I think is a more aged look in that picture for six years now. Arrgh!)
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Lovewins - welcome to the Middies (though we don't ask to see DL to verify age). And I agree 100% with Eli. Anyone who got chemo has certainly more reminders. Heck you can't even be what 6-7 months from finishing chemo not to mention rads - unless they were pre-chemo. Days I go by and it doesn't cross my mind except when I down that nasty little pill in the morning cocktail of others. Then I'll reach for something wrong and Oh boy I remember. But hourly - nah. Daily - nah. Scan time, doc visit - yes. But for the most part it's not here. Do I wish I didn't have to take the AI - sure I do. I do hurt but then I'm more an oldie than a middie and would I anyway - yes. Am I the best at exercising - big fat NO. Do I feel better than a year ago - yes indubitably. Would I feel better if I didn't weigh what I do - yes of course. Medicine talks about "tincture of time" as healing. With BC treatment that is more important than with most other diseases.
New picture Eli if you decide to move. HaHa. But pretty sure moving is not worth the cost of new DL picture. Too bad if you fibbed and say you lost it they would just computer in your old pic.
HNS - in your pocket today for your squishy - someone else has termed them slammograms - I completely stole that. Please let us know results.
I know not in line with squishies but I have to go to the dentist. I am not a good dental patient and though DH likes this guy (new in the last year or so) I don't. Thinking about changing to local guy that DD used to go to - it was just too convenient when she was in school. DH remembers him as being uber expensive but I just remember all those coatings put on back teeth that DH's insurance did not cover. I hate to be inquisitive because I also know staff and him, not like an anonymous call about costs. This new dentist thinks I need my porcelain crowns replaced with gold. Not happenin' to perfectly good ones. The oldest is 12-13 years old. One of them I don't like but it was the shape, placement of the tooth/gums not the dental expertise. OK whine over with. More coffee and breakie.
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Oh Dianarose - I big round of applause for your markers. How's married life treating you and DH?
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I understand why many of you prefer to tell friends and acquaintances that you are doing "fine" instead of how you actually are feeling. No one (very few) really wants to hear the truth of the aftermath of treatment. Seems the common thought is that your cancer was taken care of, everything is good now, move on.
Personally, every day post surgery is getting me closer to "the old me." But until my skin graft scar is completely removed, I have a daily reminder when I look in the mirror. Funny that I can overlook the main mastectomy scar. My appearance doesn't bother me as much as it did right after surgery, and I'm ok with the fact that my landscape has changed, but my self-confidence did drop a rung or two. Not that I was a centerfold model pre-diagnosis. Not that I WAS my boobs. Probably mostly because I miss having a great chest with a lot of feeling that was a source of enjoyment for my husband and me. It's just not the same now.
And after almost two years, when neighbors see me, they get a pathetic, well-meaning, caring look in their eyes as they ask me how I'm feeling. "Fine. All good!"
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Ha ha, eli on the crummy DL pic. Quite a few years ago,when I reached a certain age, my kids were in high school I wasn't taking care of my parents yet, I decided to start taking care of me. I joined a rigorous exercise program, lost some weight, started styling and coloring my hair, got contacts, in other words changed my appearance big time. I had to take my DD off island to get her DL (is this a new abbreviation?) reinstated, whole nother story for another time! Anyway, after waiting for hours at this office I decided to get a better picture for my license ($50 who cares). The woman taking the picture said it was the only time she could remember when someone had a new picture when they looked so much younger!
Of course then life came back into play, I had to take care of my parents while they declined and passed away, my kids moved away, my son was in Iraq for a while and I was dx with BC. I had been so busy taking care of everyone else. So now two years later after getting the med combo right, exercising (yoga) eating better and losing weight, everyone is saying I look great again. And right now I am feeling good, so I say thank you, it's hard work being healthy.
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Oh, hooray hooray! My mammogram was good! I don't believe it! The last one (1 1/2 years ago) was so bad that I kept putting off getting this one. And it led to a very painful stereotactic biopsy that I was whimpering through the whole 40 minutes. And I was so afraid that because of that biopsy they were going to say "architectural changes", you need to biopsy the biopsy scar tissue because it looks different. It's a vicious cycle, but oh hooray, it didn't happen. I feel like I'm free! After 19 months of dread!
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Yay!!! Heartnsoul, relax and celebrate! I am smiling just from reading about your joy!
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Oh, mac! I'm so happy I feel like climbing on the roof and screaming to the sky!
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Luv - I have a gold crown on a back molar from the late 1960s. I didn't think anyone did gold any more. All the dentists I know and all of my friends are having 'porcelain' crowns. In fact, I'm not even sure they're really porcelain any more - probably a composite but they are white. I love my composite crowns. They can match the color to your surrounding teeth. Why go to the expense of gold? Also for gold they have to drill out so much more of the original tooth so replacements would be a problem. I think I'm even a little older than you so the replacement questions may be moot, but I'd never go through all that drilling again w/the gold.
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heartnsould76, Glad you shed your dread. That calls for a little happy dance.
Wait, let me supersize that for you.
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in the beginning of this cancer journey i said things like "when this is all behind me" & "when things get back to normal" only now that I am 3/4's in & dealing with multiple side affects & yes, the emotional upheavel - do I realize that the old "normal" will never return. I'd like things to be better than the old normal - not miraculously- but with strength & determination.
we have a lot of life left - we have endured to make it so - rock on, ladies!
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Welcome, Notbuyingit! You said:
"I'd like things to be better than the old normal - not miraculously- but with strength & determination."
I like that attitude, and some do end up in a better place after all is said and done, so why not give it a shot? But don't think you have wound up on a thread that is a little positive donnybrook. So if you go through frustration, anger, despair and boredom, let it be known that we are good listeners if you need to vent and it's good to have a place to get it all out. Fill us in on what treatment you are getting and what your Dx is.
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Hello everyone....I agree it is important for me to keep it real...and that means with myself and here. I may not allow my co-workers to know how I really feel some times but I also feel like I want and need to show that BC is not all....and I am stealing this from a fellow poster from another thread and forgive me if I can't remember who... rainbows and unicorn farts!
Good for you heartandsoul!
thank you for listening....everyone. Hope you like my picture Elimar!
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Heartnsoul......
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behind as usual so skimming, please forgive me
Lovewins, you said almost exactly how I feel. Everyone has something they're going through, or went through. For us, it was cancer. For me, I'm more than 8 yrs past tx and definitely do NOT fear cancer coming back,or coming again any more than I fear a heart attack or a fall down steps. Actually,I fear falls way more than cancer. I have scars, I have LE, I have tats from radiation. So there are daily reminders. But I see them as part of me now. They're not really reminders, they're just there. I like who I am, I'm comfortable in my skin, I am not fearful, and I've taken more chances since 2005 than I had in the years prior. Yup, I'm ok with my new normal if it has to be called that.
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HnS....woo hoo!!! I'm sooo happy for you my friend. Despite my post above, I too hate mammo day, which is next month for me. Celebrate YOU from today through the weekend!
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H&S: that's the best! Now you won't have to dread the next one, will be proof you're perfectly ok! Jumping for joy, but not too high
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HNS - Happy dancing for you. Hope you are having a grand evening.
MinusTwo - dentist is a poopy head. But I actually survived today with no trauma. He says porcelain crowns will eventually crack till I pointed out the oldest is 12-13 and shows no sign of that. His comment was "You don't chew ice?". Well no I don't hurts all these filling too much anyway and I'm pretty careful with things like popcorn kernels etc. So no talk today of replacing but instead talk of working on the one side that doesn't have any crowns. Did I mention I hate change? I'd had my old dentist for nearly 30 years. Now the next hurdle is my optometrist retired and had him about as long. BOOHOO. He's the one bless his heart who found my glaucoma.
No Mac DL is not a BC approved abbreviation, I was just tired of writing.
Eyes drooping. Too long a day in the city. If I make an early day appt I'm bound to be late but if a make an early afternoon appt I rarely get off very early to get anything done b4. I love living out here but shopping other than to WallyWorld is the pits.
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Lovewins, If by like your picture, you mean...
1) Be scarred for life by it to the point of possibly never eat a festively frosted cupcake again
or
2) Be going to try to work the phrase "unicorn poop" into my next snappy comeback(*)
well then, YES, you could say I like it.
(*) Anticipating my visit to the NP next Mon., where she'll say, "Numb feet? Most people have that go away after a year or two" And then I'll get to say, "That's a huge load of unicorn poop because A LOT of people I know still have it!"
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Hi, Marlegal. So true. We are all changing, daily, weekly, monthly, whatever; from cancer or some other something. The so-called "new normal" of having things change, is also the "old normal" of having things change. Or, as Heraclitus(*) was fond of saying, "Nothing is permanent except change." Of course, he said that in Greek. Then a few more people worked it into pop songs.
(*) Oh please let me have the distinction of being the first to work a quote by Heraclitus into a BCO thread. Oh let it be me!
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Clear Mammos are wonderful!! I do have a complex cyst being watched which they say is probably benign I SURE do not like the word PROBABLY!! grrrr - if they had just removed it during surgery I wouldn't be worrying about it.
Happy Happy Dance though!!!
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How about being better in some ways and worse in others after cancer, and taking it as yet another interesting experience in life? I think that is pretty much my approach. I am missing some body parts. My mental stamina is not what it used to be. On the other hand, I am lean, mean and in better shape than I have probably ever been. I am more relaxed, more forgiving and make an effort to enjoy things.
As for the dying thing, it can still throw me for a loop once in a while. With stage 3 cancer and a T4 tumor, there is bound to be some degree of fear once in a while. At the same time, it brings calm to come to terms with the idea that you will die, as everyone will, and it helps me to focus on making the most of what time I have, be it 2 years or 40.
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It is nice when people confirm how you feel and learn how others feel coping with the situation when the are going through something simular. Although having a MX I think would have been a lot more difficult for me.
Elimar...I sure hope I didn't scar you for life from eating heavily dyed, chemical filled cake and cupcakes. You made me laugh out loud at work! I think the description of Oh Unicorn poop is going to become the next popular catch phrase.
Hugs to all.
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i am with momine, it WAS sort of interesting, and i try to cram as much enjoyment into each day as i can stand. i had some really early hits on the idea of immortality, just not being a true thing, and sometimes i feel as if i have lived like four different lives, or complete phases of exixtance, and have always tried to have as much fun as possible, altho i don't think i am in as good as shape as she is, yet!
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Thanks for all the happy congrats, ladies! I'm still pretty much floating on a cloud.
So of course the dread was much worse than actually dealing with the problem. But like you said 2TA, hopefully from now on there won't be the "architectural changes" run-around. No more dread!
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Thinking of all of you:
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youch. i am a little frightened. today i get mri of breasts. it is the first one since dx. i see on here that some women have them, and then 6 mos later, regular squishing, and then 6 mos after, back to mri! i just dont want them to find ANYTHING, i don't care how small!
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