MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish
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i love it too, elimar! Thanks!
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That IS fun stuff!
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Jeannie-glad to see you post. Thought about you with all the mud slides in your area. If A's are our best line of defense I would have liked to have started with them from the beginning. By the time I did all my surgeries, chemo, and radiation more than a yr went by. Maybe my cancer wouldn't have gone to my ovaries if we had started things in the reverse order. We knew my onco score was a 6 so to me it would have made more sense.
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Dianarose, How are your tumor markers doing lately?
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Diana rose, that is a very. good. Question.
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oooooh, elimar! Love Ganesh!
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Thanks, kathec, for also loving the Ganesh pic. I thought this representation looked spring-like (maybe it was the colors or the bowl of eggs.) I don't know what's up with the swastika-looking symbol on the hand, so let's just ignore that.
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Wiki:
The word "swastika" comes from the Sanskrit svastika - "su" (meaning "good" or "auspicious") combined with "asti" (meaning "it is"), along with the diminutive suffix "ka." The swastika literally means "it is good." It is a common practice for Hindus to draw Swastika symbols on the doors and entrances to their houses during festivals, which is believed to symbolize an invitation to goddess Lakshmi.[1] The name "sauwastika" is sometimes given to the left-facing arms symbol, which is a mirror image of swastika (卍).[2]
The Nazis stole it from the Hindus - it is the whole Indo-Aryan thing. Back then, people believed that Sanskrit was the "original" Indo-European language, which would have made Indians the "original" Aryans. This is wrong on at least two counts. We now know that Sanskrit is one of the many Indo-European daughter languages, not the original, but the more serious error, of course, is to confuse culture and biology.
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i think that i read somewhere, that symbol was hijacked by hitler. it was the turning of the wheel, and in india, it went the right way! and bad H, turned it the otherway! love the eggs, too, and am planning on coloring some, and i am 54, and have no kids!
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sEE! momine knew!
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Momine! how did you do that! the little swastika? you are GOOD...boobs on a platter, and now this!
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Thanks, Momine! I like the original meaning a lot better!!!
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When I was writing on another thread, I came up with yet another cancer cliche: "Take the power back from cancer."
This is about how I feel about the difficulties about moving forward after cancer, and meaning after active treatment has finished up. It is about the mental struggles more than the physical struggles which, in many cases, can last way longer than the physical treatment of the cancer. Over and over, women write that they are mopey and feel out of it. I think there is some form of PTSD involved.
I absolutely hate the way that cancer takes things from our lives. The only way I can think of to fight back is to try and carry on as much as I can, as if I never had cancer. People talk about (that other cliche) "finding a new normal," that's fine, but as everyone on this thread knows I always shoot for as close to old normal as I can get.
Maybe I am short-sighted and see from only my own perspective, but sometimes I do think moving on does amount to forcing yourself to think and act certain ways (at least at first) and then before too long it feels quite natural. It is kind of like that little experiment of non-happy people acting happy and cheerful and smiley; and, lo and behold, even tho' they might have been faking it, the act of doing so actually changed their brain chemistry to closely resemble people who did consider themselves happy. Maybe moving on involves some will power.
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Writing on this thread and others has sure helped me to get in touch about how I think and feel about my own cancer saga.0 -
Kath, I am a former Classics nerd and I like linguistics. We are the kind of people who have an entire bookcase of dictionaries for all kinds of languages.
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e, I think some people thing "moving on" means "leaving behind" and as we all know, we can never let this shit out of our sights. So that is confusing. It's like "forgive and forget". Like, seriously, I can forgive, but not forget!! We understand the concept, but it's just impossible to do.
I like to think I've moved AROUND cancer - it's behind me, but still in my radar. And, it DID exist...
Cancer has taken the innocence we all had in our own mortality. We've seen the bullet that may actually kill us. We've lost trust in our bodies and being "good" all those years didn't make any difference in the end! We should have eaten desert first all those years and I think it's that kind of anger and frustration that is prevalent in our emotions. I, too, like being able to "talk my way" through this crap.
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Barbe - GREAT thought. Maybe the horse is out of the barn door, but I think I'll swear to eat dessert first from now on.
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I wouldn't say that I have forgotten or will forget any of it. I just want to mentally reclaim my life.
Move on? Move around? Each to their own terminology.
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e, you missed my point!!! Saying about "forgive and forget" was just an analogy of terms people throw around thinking they're being helpful.
Also, when people say "move on" or "get over it", I like to use a different method of going "around" it. Yep, to each their own terminology, but I thought I was making a clear point....sigh.
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Barbe, thanks for the explanation. I know, for me, after 1st DX (years after), I could go periods without thinking of BC even with my non-reconstructed chest. It just evolved to a state of acceptance most of the year (my yearly mammo for the other side and time for new bra/prosthesis) for me. I'm trying to get back to that now: not denial, just didn't constantly think about it. But that's just me
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I think about it all the time, but life goes on and we go on.
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Barbe, I do miss your point a lot. I don't know why. Sometimes I think we are using different words for something similar, but I am never really sure. Was your point the opinion that we cannot be the same as we were? Was your point the opinion that it is in our best interest to have continual awareness because our we have more likelihood to grow more cancer in the future? What is your method of "getting around it" because I really do not understand?
2TA, I think I understand where you are coming from. It pretty much describes how I feel. I don't think of it as denial either, just a conscious effort to push the cancer out of my mind, to make way more more enjoyable things.
p.s. My comments come from my perspective as an early-stager and I should add that I realize that women with more advanced and Stage IV cancers might have a greater challenge to do what I am suggesting, but that they should also try because otherwise I think the QOL suffers when cancer occupies too much time and thought.
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i am just happy to be getting some energy back, to do things that i love, and sometimes for minutes at a time, i can forget! when i am watching a movie, i can frget during the whole thing! but i do get jealous, when my boyfriend is watching the basketball game. their arms! they look so strong and shapely, no LE! and i miss my old arms....
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My point is how easy it is for someone to tell us to move on or get over the cancer and how hard it is to do that. In fact, impossible. We can certainly function and live, but it will always be there. I, too, hate the term "new normal". Describe "normal" for me!
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Easier said than done, o.k., I do understand that point. Impossible? I understand but don't agree on that. It is my goal to move on and get over it. I am not quite there, but I do feel like I can get there in the not too distant future.
Barbe, Before I got my Dx I had a 1 in 8 chance to get BC, and I did know of those odds, but did not give it much thought or live in fear that I might be the "one." I led a happy-go-lucky, non-cancer existence. Now my risk is higher (don't know what the ratio would be exactly) but I think I can once again get back to not living in fear or giving it much thought. Yes, my scars will always be there. Yes, all of the medical info. I have had to absorb will be there. But I do feel I can have a sense of freedom from cancer domination in my mind. I guess that would be my description of "moving on" and, because I think I can get to that point, my opinion differs from yours in that I say possible. (I feel like I am almost there already. It took time and it took some mental effort.)
My initial comment was about those who feel an ongoing dread, or have lost the joy of life because of this disease. There are several ways to get help for that. My suggestion was that one way was to search out the strength inside your own mind to push you forward.
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kathec, It is terrible that cancer leaves us with lifelong souveniers like LE. When the physical reminders are there is is definitely a harder struggle to "move on" but then it becomes even more important for the mind to help you do that. You pointed out what I do see as a pattern...The normalcy first returns for just minutes at a time, then some hours, then days and longer. It is a process.
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Eli-tumor marker holding at 31. I will take that as it is in the normal range. My friend of 30 yrs is going for a breast ultra sound because of a bad mammogram and the same results when they re-did it. I think a biopsy is the only way she will know for sure. An ultra sound always said I was fine. I don't think too highly of them.
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This is what I know about me since my diagnoses, I am not the same person I was before, am I ever going to be, not sure, am I trying, YES. But I know I'm damn tired of people who almost die when they have a cold telling me HOW I should be doing or feeling 2 1/2 years later. Which is why other than my hubby, sister, brother-n-law, my kids and y'all I lie! To everybody else I'm fine, I have good days and bad, I don't tell them that just getting out of bed now is a chore for me, between the bone and joint pain, the insomnia, the fatigue, (all thanks to Tamoxifen) to my sensitivity to changes in the brand of meds (that recently sent me to the ER with heart palpitations everything checked out ok with the heart, cardiologist definitely thinks it was medication induced, since CVS had just changed the brand of my Lortabs). As my oncologist tells me all the time which I now say, having cancer and going through treatment is a "marathon not a sprint". That does mean I don't get pissed at my self when I come home from work and I have to take a nap just to make it to 8:00pm. But I'm here, I've made it and I'm making it.
And I haven't even begun to talk about the physical reminders that I have, the scars, from hip-to-hip and all on my chest. That is my daily reminder of where I was and where I am, so my response to people who judge and don't know is, BITE ME! I guess that's very New Orleans of me!
I guess what I'm saying is you are all remarkable women for making through this, don't judge yourself to harshly!
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I really enjoy reading this thread and have only posted once or twice. It is full of intelligent ladies. I just finished rads 1 week ago today. Right now what I am feeling is different or separated from everyone because I feel or felt my experience made me different, but when I really think about it that is true for a lot of things...no one really knows what it is like to be in any ones shoes really. I am becoming a new me....we are all growing and changing no matter what circumstance we are in and evolving into our new selves. I hope BC is stepping stone for me, I hope I don't linger and become stuck. I can see the more a person has to go through as far as stage and treatment would be a huge consideration though. I still have some SE and have to tell myself to keep it moving. I can't say I have moved on from BC I still get twinges of fear it will come back...but I think to some degree I have decided to put blinders on and keep going if that is possible? I take a peek now and then but I don't think it would do me much good to dwell on thoughts of bc. I am setting my sights on moving on...but I know I am forever changed. # IMHO.
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lovewins-"Right now what I am feeling is different or separated from everyone because I feel or felt my experience made me different" I remember feeling this very thing. It was daily for quite a while right after finishing active treatment but now it's a transitory thing. It crops up occasionally & I'm not sure why, but as you say, It is true for a lot of things! Congrats on being done with the fake & bake tanning machine. Here's too better days.
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mstrouble - I agree, I always tell people I'm fine. Otherwise they act like something's still wrong with me (cancer) or else I get their pity - ugh. Screw both those attitudes.
I have not had any trouble moving on from cancer. It's probably my ADD, that and all the worries of the usual day to day existence that keep me constantly distracted. I finally got to the point where I refused to think any strange ache or pain was the cancer again. Yes, it was definitely a mental effort. My MO does take my tumor markers every 3 months and they've always remained in the low teens. I hate going every three months and I really hate have my blood drawn every three months BUT now we have established consistency with my TMs so that makes it all worth the peace of mind it gives me.
Dianarose - you're right, your tumor markers are normal so keep on keeping on. I know the AIs are painful, though. I've been on Tamoxifen for 3 1/2 years and I think the toxicity is starting to build up. It's absolutely killing my bones, every single one of them. I'm thinking about asking her for some Lortabs to help me get through the roughest times. Seems like she would rather I take one or two of these when I need it than quit this damn pill.
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lovewins, You are not even a year out from your Dx, barely past your active treatment. To still feel in the domain of cancer is very normal under those circumstances. It is all very fresh. As more time passes, I think it will take up less of your life. I hope so.
Oh yeah, Dianarose, a 31 sounds like a very agreeable number to me. Best wishes for your friend and her biopsy too.
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