The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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When I was sitting alone in the tiny waiting room early one morning ready to go in for a mastectomy, a couple of people there were chatting happily about someone who was about to die (or maybe just had done so). They were quite shocked when I asked them please to consider that people in this room might not want to hear such talk.
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I can say that I've not had anyone intentionally say anything stupid to me, but boy oh boy, I've had my lesson in how not to put foot in mouth. I had a friend tell me that when she was holding her little girl during chemo, a friend of hers reminded her it could always be worse. You could be holding your child taking their last breath. Well, now that I have stopped crying for that poor child, my cancer, my fight, my depression is gone??? Hello????!!!! Why would you do that to me and make me feel so bad!
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Wow Holly that's unbelievable. You would think she would have some idea since she was there to "support" someone. Usually at a cancer centre you see people with varying degrees of baldness, head coverings, etc. To comment is in extremely bad taste! I can understand how stunned you must have been,
Barbe brings up a good point about waiting room etiquette. A good friend of mine recently went through chemo for colon cancer. This lady has an extremely large circle of friends. I had offered to take her to treatments if needed but she always had several friends going with her so I never went. I didn't want to be part of a "party" atmosphere. I know some hospitals have a one person policy, possibly to avoid this. I know with one of my ovarian chemos I was in a bed and would actually go to sleep. I certainly wouldn't have appreciated a party atmosphere in the room.
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Oh and Holly I loved the part about one of the shaved head friends being black! Wow, how liberal of her to have a black friend/acquaintance (I take it this loudmouth was white?). Sorry, too much sarcasm?
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When I was in the green room waiting to go into surgery (my DH couldn`t come in that far) for my double mast, there was parents of what looked like about an 18 year old girl sitting there and crying once she went in to surgery. I was upset as my DH wasn`t allowed in and they were! Then they were sitting there upsetting me! I had the guts to get a volunteer to ask them to leave. I don`t even care what they thought, they were too far past where they should have been in the first place!
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windlass, lassie- people don't think and end up saying stupid things....the days it has happened to me I hav ried to look on them as the 'gift that helped my tears come out'...because we allknow sometimes how much we push the pain of this crap down...comments around age, looks , health...frig'em...how do you feel? alive? fighting hard? all that maters my lovelies...all that matters right now is that YOU are alive and fighting and it will be ok...
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Bmac - Lol, yes she was white and probably in her 70's. To her it must have sounded very progressive.
Southhamptonmom - All I can say is wow. It amazes me how some people feel the need to unload their pain onto others and to try and do it in a spirit that is somehow supposed to benefit the person they are unloading on.
Barbe1958 - This was the first time I had seen her there, but yes, she did look to be there as support for someone. I completely know what you mean about the "party" atmosphere. Thankfully, I only encountered an issue once in chemo and it was my very last infusion of Taxol. While the lady next to me only had one person with her, boy were they loud! Talking and carrying on as if they were at a card game and not chemo. I actually said something loud enough for them to hear to my nurse and they seemed to get the hint. The benadryl and decadron pre-infusion made me irritable enough as it was and that pushed my last nerve.
The radiation waiting room seemed to prove the most challenging for me. I don't mind minimal amounts of chit chat, especially when you see the same people day in and day out going through a similar hell. You tend to reach out and at the very least express pleasantries. About ¾ of my way through tx this one man starting coming daily to support and care for his dad. I swear I knew his life story in a matter of days, lol.
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wow!!you gals have made me feel so grateful!!!my onc got you right out of the waiting room, to your room to see her, and off to the chemo room, which they insisted.. you can watch tv, with headphones, read , talk softly, or read.. my DH and i read, sometimes i cried, softly..but always had 2 nurses at my side the whole time... they were very insistent; no cells, no kids unless in and out...since my kids NEVER were interested, i had my DH there, and it was nice... the nurses were all prior NIH nurses, and very compassionate, and thoughtful... there are some nice ones, unfortunately, not all are the same..
im like Barbe; if someone bothers me, in ANY drs. waiting room; i speak right up.. it mortifies my DH, but i don't care.. i have a pet peeve w/ cells in waiting rooms..resteraunts.. they just don't belong.. step out!!!!.that's my rant for tonite.....3jays
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I've completed my treatment and I'm starting to feel better physically and emotionally. But what I can't get over is having the people that you depend on, let you down. How about responding to the news "I can't take this right now, I've been to depressed lately". There are some people for which everything is about themselves. I know it is hard for others, but try and be a little supportive. I should have known better, just don't tell anyone.
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No, Debbie, your friends let you down. I think it happens to all of us at some point, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't "bother" our friends and loved ones with our diagnosis. It's so incredibly crushing to realize this person you liked and depended on wasn't worthy of your trust. On the flip side, though, I've found mere acquaintances who have "stepped up to the plate" in a way that makes me realize this person needs to be bumped up to friend status...
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It is amazing the ones that do and the ones that talk about doing... One woman in my book club and church called to let me know that she was stopping by only to drop off food - and she did just - said hello, handed my a bag and left... wonderful - she also gave me a goofy book for my recovery. Others talked day in and out before surgery about bringing by food and never even called or sent a card. Guess we all have our strengths.. I know that I will be a much better person from a caring perspective having gone through this crap.0
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Hollyinmich- yes!!! the radiation waiting room.... As soon as my bum hit the chair, my ipod was in my ears and/or I was deleting phone messages (on silent 3jays:) )...anything to keep me out of the conversations of others ....could not do it....the two days I had forgotten to plug in my ipod, I was a mess by the time I got onto the table i nthe rads room
As for folks stepping up....it is indeed interesting who does and who does not and it does indeed make you more aware. I always thought I stepped up when others were down and out but I am in overdrive now...anyone I know in the hospital, I am sitting there visiting whether I am uncomfortable in the hospital setting or not. I know how it is now (from the heart stuff ) to be in a hospital room waitin gto be let out or be told what is going on..no fun ...scary...
I am not a chitchat person....I like to get straight to the heart of the matter. always have...life is too short to waste on crap talk...but I know that some people are comfortable with that. I was lucky in that 95% of the people in my world rarely ask how I am but make it clear that I am welcoem to talk about it whenever I choose...lucky indeed...it is not intrusive but is supportive. If I am looking tired, they know it is fine to say '"Sandee....drink some tea..take a break...go home"....and since i know it is coming form the right place, I generally do!
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ok ive got one..just had a revesional breast recon surgery and my mil was visiting . I made the comment that i wasnt looking forward to going back on the Tamoxifen as I get alot of side effects from it and her comment was " well when you put crap in your body your gonna get side effects" never thought of Tamoxifen as crap.. but a necessary evil... geez!!!!! where is the bus!
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Tinker: Yeah, like it was a bag of Doritos and a box of powdered donuts, topped off with a double martini. My gosh, some people just don't think very clearly. (And they say WE have chemo brain!?
Run that comment over with this car:
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windlass.. excatly..lol.. love the car! thanks
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So sorry you had to hear such insensitivity! Not like Tamoxifen has any recreational value! Unless a hot flash counts as a mind altering experience!
Some people need to be sent to 'CHARM SCHOOL'.
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Moogie, I think we have to offer Tinkertude's MIL a ride to charm school - in the car Windlass posted.
Get. In. The. Car.
Leah
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THanks ladies! charm school has its work cut out!!! lol
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I love this thread.. just dropping in to vent. My BF's mother (who lives with us) has decided it's OK to make references to my varied looks -- first she laughed out loud when I wore my wig for the first time (which sent me fleeing in tears), then she said I looked like a pirate when wearing a head covering, and now that it's so damn hot here and I have had no choice but to go bald-headed, this morning she made an reference to an alien invsion. I think she thinks she's being funny but she is in fact socially retarded!!!
There is no point in talking to her about her comments (my BF has tried) so now I simply leave the room.....Wish I could throw her off the life bus, but in this case I'm not entirely in the driver's seat ya know? OK thanks for letting me ramble. Chemo brain has the best of me today so I don't know how much sense this will all make anyway.
Hugs to all of you
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Kat, next time she makes you cry, don't leave the room! Let her see what she's done to you. She'll probably say you have thin-skin, but it may work in your favour....good luck!
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HMM: I'd fight back in kind, since my experience of rising above the nimrods has not seemed to improve the world a bit.
SO, BF MOM: " gee you really must be so worried about me cause you look like hell...its like you have instantly aged BF Mom! Are you feeling okay? Maybe you need to see a doctor? Those lines around your eyes are very pronounced...and I was noticing...is your hair thinning too? May be we both can go wig shopping? We can make a day of it! You must already know how it feels when the estrogen is , well, 4 quarts low--any tips for hot flashes? Certainly old ground for you by now...Is that a light moustache you have got going there? "
Anyone who needs a trip to CHARM SCHOOL may also need a trip to the empathy bank, a place none of them will willingly drive but where we can send them nonetheless! If she cannot " walk in your shoes" at least make her try them on for size once in a while!
FORTITUDE! And know she deserves a GOLDEN NIMROD AWARD , requiring her to do 6 months hard time in Charm School and deliver you all the chocolate you require!
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i absolutely LOVE the car you found,windlass... i actually tell people lately "Gods' gonna get you for that" they go HUH??? then i say think about it... i can't hhelp it sanymore, my health has me so down right now, i burst out in tears, before i can leave.. but, i feel like Barbe; if they hurt me, they see it.. of course, then im deemed a "drama Queen" and that hurts, too...
so, when i can, i just tell them they are SOOO going under the bus, and then walk away. i have a relative, that everytime he sees me, he asks me whats' "under the bus" i tell him YOU...he's going crazy trying to figure out what it means, and it gives me some satisfaction..hahaha.3jays
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moogie -- your post had me laughing so hard ! I love all the ideas for what Kat can say !
3jays -- I'm sorry you're so down right now. It's such a terrible place to be. You feel so alone. Sending hugs....and keep sending that bus !
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Sorry you're feeling down 3jays. Sending hugs too!
Kat, probably won't make you feel any better, but the first time my 13 y.o. daughter saw me in a scarf, she said I looked like Pirates of the Caribbean. I posted that on my March chemo website and everyone thought that was the best descriptin anyone got. Some were told they looked llike Russain peasants and some other unflattering things. Also, the first time she saw me in my wig, she bursted out laughing. The good thing is her friend was here, and her friend said I think it looks great. It made me feel good, and my daughter feel bad for what she said. I've always liked that friend! I go bald around the house all the time, but never got the Alien comment. She has absolutely forbade me from letting anyone from school see me bald though. (It's okay with her really good friends that come over.) I was taking her home from her spring concert at school (where it was 90 degrees in the auditorium) and pulled my hat off when we got in the car. It was dark outside and there is no way any one could see me in the car. But she got nervous, and yelled, Mom, not on school property. LOL! I am sure it is easier to accept and laugh at from a 13 y.o. than an adult though. Your bf's mother is an insensitive clod!
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I prefer to put my bandana on and pretend I'm riding a Harley
When I cut my hair shorter a couple weeks before my buzz cut, my son said I looked like Harry Potter. The next day I put gel in my hair and left it crazy. He said I looked like Ellen Degeneres. It's funny when it comes from kids. Some adults need to learn how to shut up and not say anything at all! I love when I hear about all the survivor stories on here and it gives me hope, but hearing that an "uncle's, sister's, best-friend's mother had BC 13 years ago and is still alive" while I am feeling horrible after a chemo tx, drives me nuts. 0 -
The hippies who tell me I need to eat only raw to "detox" drive me crazy.
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A kinesthesiologist who told my friend I HAD to see her because the real cause of my bc was heavy metals and parasites and she could cure me.
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A friend of a friend who told me that studies show bc is caused by childhood trauma, assuming I had a traumatic childhood (and she didn't, so she will never get bc).
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Sometimes people are just a**es...the question I would pose to myself is "Are they normally an a**hole and I have just never noticed?"...we are super sensitive and rightly so...some people have no idea how to show empathy and it comes out all wrong. Anger begats anger ....not sure I agree with the opinions(which is fine..thank god for the diversity of these lines) to get her back with a comment of your own,since it puts you are her level and if she doesn't get it..well, she doesnt get it but perhaps tugging at her empathy bone might help...ie. My being bald must really scare you....it must be hard to see someone your son loves going through something so difficult and scary. Childhood mus have been hell with this woman. I hope she stops....suddenly hears herself and realized how hurtful her comments are....if not, maybe i is time to find her an apartment so you can heal in peace
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kks and lalisa: Let 'em eat your dust! (Or breathe your fumes
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